Cuttino Mobley Dribbles, Shoots, and Breaks Even

SELLER: Cuttino Mobley
LOCATION: Clear View Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $3,995,000
SIZE: 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: No expense spared. Master bedroom with large walk-in closets and mountain views. Master bathroom with spa tub and steam shower with imported Italian stone. Patio off upstairs landing. State-of-the-art gourmet country kitchen with top-of-the-line appliances. French doors lead to a grassy backyard with pool and spa. Hardwood floors throughout. 4-Zone A/C. 2 car garage. Refrigerated wine cellar.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We hear from Little Jack Horner, one of our little tipsters, that another sports figure Your Mama has never heard of is selling his Beverly Hills residence. And don't you know, but our sports expert pal Fiona Trambeau is once again indisposed after a long night of Jaegermeister and the company of men young enough to be her damn children. Which means Your Mama is left to sort out who this Cuttino Mobley person is all on our own.

Turns out this Cuttino "The Cat" Mobley plays for the Los Angeles Clippers, which Your Mama understands is a professional basketball team. Due to Your Mamas limited interest in sports, particularly the big three of baseball, basketball and football, we were only able to spend a short time researching Mister Cuttino before we thought our little head would explode. As best as we could determine, Mister Mobley came to the Clippers in 2005 (from where we don't know, and frankly, don't care), is 32 years old, six foot four inches tall, 210+- pounds, and has a son, also with the unusual name of Cuttino.

Not long after moving to Los Angeles, property records indicate Mister Mobley purchased this newly built 5 bedroom and 5.5 bathroom house high in the Hills of Beverly for $3,650,000 Given that the house is currently on the market for $3,995,000, it would appear that Mister Mobley will pocket very little after real estate fees and closing costs are paid. What do the children think, did Mister Mobley over pay for the house at the tippy top of the white hot luxury real estate market in 2005, or is the house priced aggressively for a quick sale?

Mister Mobley's quasi Mediterranean / quasi Tuscan style house has been wedged into the hillside with a gargantuan retaining wall nearly encircling the house. Out the front are lovely views of the hills across Benedict Canyon.

There is nothing in the living room that Your Mama would recommend keeping, but the dining room is getting there, style wise. We can't see the dining room table legs, so we don't know what to expect there, but the padded chairs have a sophisticated 1940s feel to them that we appreciate. The curtains have a nice sheen and the painting, while too small to carry that wall on its own, is a good start towards dressing the room up. However, the room looks curiously unfinished and, despite the set table, like it's never seen food. Your Mama just goes ballistic over formal dining rooms in which the table has been set with all sorts of glitzy tableware for a dinner party that is not going to be happening. Note to people who do this: Unless there are actual people coming to dinner, please do not set the dining room table. It just makes the house look like a furniture showroom, and nobody wants to live in a furniture showroom, do they?

While done up in a more traditional and exuberantly beige fashion than Your Mama would prefer, the good sized kitchen does have a nice selection of high grade appliances, including two dishwashers and a trash compacter. However, Your Mama has nightmares over balloon valances like the one hung over the sink, and we do not even know how to mentally digest that curly-cued stool/chair thing that has been pulled up to the breakfast counter.

Up to the master bedroom and we are sad to say that we find an interior decorating crime scene. Seriously children, Your Mama does not even know where one would buy a bedroom set like we see up in this house. Does anyone know? We are quite certain that four poster bed cost Mister Mobley and arm and a damn leg, but it just screams faux Versace and whispers, "please make me into firewood."

Out into the backyard, which is really at the side of the house, we have a petite swimming pool and a spa large enough to host Mister Cuttino and a few ladies who like big and tall basketball players. The small yard is quick and easy maintenance for landscapers and the view from the patio is really quite lovely. We might encourage the next homeowner to attach a pergola to the side of the house and add an outdoor fireplace which would provide a really great outdoor living space.

Mister Cuttino, we have no doubt you are a master of the basketball court, and as such we certainly would not expect you to be a master at decorating your house. But one of the beauties of making the big bucks that professional basketball players make is the financial wherewithal to hire a nice gay decorator. And don't worry a minute about being your decorator's sexual fantasy. Trust Your Mama when we tell you that most nice gay decorators are far more interested in the green in your wallet than the junk in your trunk. So with your next house, please give Your Mama a shout so we can give you the names and numbers of a few good gay men to work their magic on your new home.

Your Mama really has no idea why Mister Cuttino is selling this house. Is he trading up? Trading down? Is he himself being traded? Whatever the case, we wish him luck in getting close to his asking price so that he doesn't actually lose any money on this real estate transaction.

Farrow and Ball and Emma Jane

There is a rash of new design books coming out this fall in time for the Christmas shopping season. My pre-released order with Amazon is obscene: I owe them a king's ransom for all these soon to be released books. But that's ok, this is my only hobby, so I indulge it. These new books are just starting to trickle in. Alex Vervoordt's came the other day and it's a winner, totally gorgeous. Another one that's arrived is the new Farrow and Ball: The Art of Color. For those who aren't familiar with Farrow and Ball: F & B is an English company specializing in paints. Not paints as in Sherwin Williams, but paints like those made centuries ago. With names like Cooking Apple Green and Book Room Red, part of the appeal is in the romance of times gone by. Their palette is extremely limited, only 132 colors as opposed to the thousands of colors made by other paint companies. Their paint is made the old fashioned way without "modern" cost cutting measures taken. Besides paint, they also manufacturer wallpaper of the highest quality. Their designs are traditional stripes and damasks, but recently they came out with a few hipper colorways.

A company that produces such high quality goods deserves to be written about and now, they have been, twice. I wasn't taken with the first F & B book, Paint, but the new one The Art of Color is a completely different story. The photography is luscious at times and moody at others, the lens' subjects are breathtaking. One chapter that really stands out is Emma Jane Pilkington's apartment. I'm not sure if it's ever been published before, I googled for awhile and couldn't find any hint of it anywhere. So, forgive me if you've seen her apartment before.

Emma Jane, an Australian by birth, but raised in Greenwich, is a young, hot decorator who has received volumes of national press. Her apartment for Ivanka Trump is a work of art, done in bright shades of blues and reds. In fact, most of Emma Jane's published work is bright and happy. Her apartment, though, is anything but. Mainly painted in three shades of Farrow and Ball paints, the apartment is neutral in color. With a combination of modern art pieces and antique furniture, it shows Pilkington's sophisticated knowledge of classical design and refined taste for art instead of the more trendy look we've come to expect of her. Take a look at these pictures to see a side of Emma Jane that might suprise you.

Pilkington's apartment for Ivanka Trump, young and dynamic, exactly like it's owner. The colors are bright, the prints are bold.

Another design by Pilkington, here she uses Raoul Textiles in bright pinks and yellows.

And now, for something completely different, Pilkington's apartment. Modern sculpture by Mauro Corda plays against antiques such as the gold mirror. An obvious book lover, she displays them on a center table, an antique from a Rajastani palace.

Here, she mixes antique furniture, a pair of crystal chandeliers, and a stunning modern art piece just reflected in the antique mirror.

A close up of the sculpture by Verner Panton.

A contemporary sculpture by C. Jere sits atop an antique settee. Nearby is a spoon back Regency chair.

A corner of the living room with an antique zograscope and Buccellati silver atop an antique Tric Trac table, from 1760.

The study, with an antique directoire daybed juxtaposed with a leopard print contempory chair.

Close up of the daybed and another gorgeous antique mirror.

The classic kitchen with a wall of antique mushroom prints.

This bathroom is so atmospheric with the moody candlelight and marble tub. The hanging basket under the antique prints with just a touch of color from the purple flowers.

A close up of a Venetian mirror from the 1840's.

The master bedroom, with a gorgeous wall of mirrored closet doors.

Another view of the bedroom and it's unusual antique lighting fixture.

If you enjoyed these pictures, I would suggest you pick up Farrow and Ball: The Art of Color. These are just a small sample of the wonderful images from the book.

Ron Burkle's Swimming Pool in the Sky

BUYER: Ron Burkle
SELLER: Jonathan Leitersdorf
LOCATION: 704 Broadway, New York, NY
PRICE: $17,500,000 / monthly charges: $7,836
SIZE: 11,000 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: One of the most unique and spectacular homes in the world, this Penthouse triplex home in the sky boasts: 5 bedrooms, 5 full baths, 2 powder rooms, 13'-17' ceilings, more than 50 windows, and a landscaped forest alongside a heated outdoor swimming pool...Unmatched amenities include two separate professional grade kitchens, W/D on each level, exquisitely detailed with massive Danish Tudor wood burning fireplace, two separate sound systems controlled from every room with speaker throughout.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Braden Keil, the virtuoso celebrity real estate writer at the New York Post, was on fire this week telling all us disciples about half a dozen big buys and sells in and around New York City including some juicy tidbits about the sale of a very well known downtown Manhattan penthouse that former owner Jonathan Lietersdorf recently sold to billionaire grocery store tycoon Ron Burkle.

The triplex penthouse sits atop a non-descript building, called "The Dandy," that offers residents a central location near the Bowery Bar and BondSt, but no luxury amenities such as a doorman, which might be the least one could expect when coughing up nearly $20,000,000 for a Manhattan penthouse.

Built by venture capitalist Mister Lietersdorf as a pied a terre for himself, the residence doubled as an event space called Sky Studios that could be rented for private parties, photos shoots, and other such glamorous and typically New York functions. Sex and the City shot at least one episode here, presidential daughter Chelsea Clinton had a birthday party here, and Jerry Seinfeld was married in the gargantuan living room on the first level.

The 11,000 square foot behemoth has ridiculously high ceilings, 50+ windows, walls of glass, a panic room behind the library bookcases, and a carpet of green grass and a small "forest" on the Eastern terrace. But by far the most remarkable and notable feature of the aerie is the heated swimming pool that hangs over the city with 360 degree views as far as the eye can see.

Mister Lietersdorf first put this impressive home on the market in 2002 for $27,500,000, but had to reduce the price over the years to it's final asking price of $18,750,000 before anyone took the plunge to purchase the 5 bedroom 5.5 bathroom mansion in the sky.

According the the NY Post and records on file with the city, the Los Angeles based Mister Burkle, who pocketed billions from buying and selling huge grocery store chains, paid $17,500,000 for the penthouse that Your mama imagines he will use infrequently.

While he comes from modest means and is often thought of as a very down to earth guy (for a billionaire), the famously private jeans wearing Mister Burkle is no stranger to a large and lavish lifestyle and travels in a private 757 airplane. Lawhd children, just imagine Mister Burkle's yearly fuel bill for that steel bird.

In California, where he lives in an extremely posh section of Beverly Hills in a legendary 23,114 square foot house on a deliciously beautiful estate called "Green Acres," his nearby neighbors include fellow billionaire Miss David Geffen, filthy rich dee-vorcé Suzanne Saperstein, and Paris's grand daddy Baron Hilton, just to name a few.

Unless this purchase was simply an investment and/or a convenient place to park a wad of cash, Your Mama can't imagine Mister Burkle will continue to lease the place out for the weddings and bar mitzvahs of Manhattan's demi monde. But then again, it's hard to believe that even a down to earth billionaire would call a doorman-less building home.

Sources: New York Post, New York Observer, New York Magazine

UPDATE: Gisele Bundchen

While making our morning peruse through the venerable and always informative New York Post's Page Six gossip column, we learned that Brazilian bombshell Gisele Bundchen has put her two bedroom West Village triplex penthouse on the market for a pocketbook draining $10,900,000.

Your Mama discussed this penthouse back in late June when it popped up as a $29,000 per month rental (for August only), and now it appears that the Maserati of models is ready to let go of the penthouse and settle into the West Village townhouse she recently purchased and renovated.

The picture perfect human mannequin also recently sold her Los Angeles house for $3,980,000, although there seems to be some confusion among the gossips about whether it was purchased by Quentin Tarantino or French film director Luc Besson.

Rent the Governor's Getaway

OWNER: George Pataki
LOCATION: Lakeshore Road, Essex, NY
SIZE: 300+ acres
PRICE: $4,000
DESCRIPTION: Just a short walk outside the historic Village of Essex you'll fiind this wonderful farmhouse located on over 300 acres on Lake Champlain. Recent renovations have made this a perfect place for a family getaway or corporate retreat. The main house sleeps 8, add the Annex and the capacity expands to 15.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama has never been to the Adirondacks, but Molly Motormouth has. In fact Miz Motormouth, a friend and colleague of Your Mama, has intimate knowledge of the Adirondack region as her family has summered near Lake Placid for generations.

Turns out former Republican New York State Governor George Pataki has a thing for the rustic Adirondacks, where Miz Motormouth tells us the high profile politico recently purchased a 300+ acre farm fronting lovely Lake Champlain.

Motormouth Molly also managed to locate and provide Your Mama with a listing for the property which is, apparently and strangely, available for short term rental. What is unclear to Your Mama is the length of time $4,000 will buy you at the Pataki Farm. One week? One month? Anyone?

Pictures of the property, which includes private beach front as well as a private dock, are slim, but from the one available, it sure does look purdy. This is rustic simplicity and charm done correctly with a classic, elegant, and strict palette of green grass and white hydrangeas. Martha Stewart would be proud.

It's unlikely that Mister Pataki needs the income. So Your Mama wonders, why rent the place out at all?

Alexis Stewart Keeps it Clean in Tribeca

SELLER: Alexis Stewart
LOCATION: 27 N. Moore Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $12,400,000
SIZE: 3,884 square feet, 3 bedroom, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: WIth almost 4,000sf of space, the three bedroom, three and one-half bath loft has four exposures with incredible views overlooking Tribeca, the Hudson River and the city. There is a 14' x 34' terrace overlooking Tribeca, the City and the Hudson. The living area is solarium like with glass ceiling flooding the loft with wonderful light. The downstairs bedroom has a full bath and is now being used as a den/office with custom wood bookshelves and built in desk.

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: Children we have heard from Miz Stewart–and another person who seems to know a lot of things about a lot of people–and we're told the apartment is actually grey, a very pale grey rather, than stark white. So please substitute "very pale grey" everywhere we say "white" below. We have also been told that the apartment was decorated by big bad mama Martha's number one gay Kevin Sharkey (the interior designer, not the Irish artist). Apparently it was Kevin who called for and then swooned and gasped with glee over those seamless grey terrazzo floors. Alexis hunny, if we're wrong anywhere here, we'd love to have your sassy input. You can email Your Mama at realestalker@yahoo.com.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Continuing with the theme of Manhattan penthouse apartments that have been purchased by filthy rich parents for their lucky children, we head down to Tribeca (Triangle Below Canal for those unfamiliar with New York City) to the nearly colorless home of Alexis Stewart, daughter of big bad mama Martha Stewart.

Yesterday we received a nice email from a gentleman whom we'll call The Socks Luver, who kindly linked Your Mama over to a recent and wee article in New York Magazine about the downtown penthouse the younger Miz Stewart recently dumped on the market with the ear piercing asking price of $12,400,000.

Your Mama did a little digging and investigating of our own and it appears from the property records and deed information on file with the city that it was actually big bad mama Martha who purchased this condominium back in May of 1999. The purchase price is not revealed in the documents we perused, but mortgage information suggests big bad mama Martha spent close to $3,000,000 to provide her daughter Alexis a home. Naturally, the mortgage has already been satisfied and ownership has been transferred to an LLC with Alexis' name.

Earlier this year, there were scads of rumors and reports that Miz Alexis coughed up $35,000,000 to purchase three floors at one of the Richard Meier towers in the far West Village (165 Charles Street) with the intention of creating a colossal triplex overlooking the Hudson River. Subsequent reports stated that it was actually big bad mama Martha who purchased the trio of all glass apartments.

If history is any indication of the future, we might reasonably assume that big bad mama Martha is not so interested in actually living in the Meier towers, having already bought and sold a duplex at 173 Perry Street that she never actually occupied. History also tells us that big bad mama Martha has purchased multi-million dollar homes for her only child before. So perhaps all the rumors were indeed true and radio hostess Alexis will move into the 165 Charles Street triplex after all? We'll just have to wait and see on that one children.

We can appreciate Miz Alexis' penthouse with it's expansive layout, huge custom fitted walk in closet in the master bedroom, and the well equipped kitchen, but there are a number of issues that concern us here.

Your Mama appreciates a monochromatic color scheme as much as the next person, and we can dig all white rooms. But this place is just ridiculous children. There is so much sunlight and so many reflective white surfaces that surely one must wear their damn sunglasses inside this house during the daytime or run the risk of searing their retinas.

Another worry we have about Miz Alexis' very clean and all white penthouse is that it overlooks a very bizzy traffic circle that is often clotted up with cars exiting the Holland Tunnel. Not only does this mean the terrace is off limits during rush hour due to the excessive and annoying honking to which New York City commuters are unfortunately prone, but windows can never, ever be left open for any length of time lest every inch of that all white apartment be covered in a pesky and nearly impossible to clean layer of soot and car exhaust. Anyone who has ever lived in New York or any other traffic laden city knows just what we're talking about.

At the risk of sounding hostile, this place is practically devoid of the little objects and artworks that make a house a home, and while it's lovely in it's very spare and extremely clean way, it does not look friendly. So Your Mama is thrilled to see all the bookshelves stuffed full of books in this penthouse, because not only do they look great and add the only color to be seen in the place, but they're also the only personal and intimate items to be seen (poorly placed gym equipment does not count).

Given that the customized kitchen features two SubZero refrigerator/freezers and two dishwashers, Your Mama assumes that either Miz Alexis got the cooking bug for her mother, or big bad Martha wanted a well equipped kitchen so that when she visited she would have all the necessary equipment to whip up a chocolate cake with butter cream frosting on a moments notice. From scratch, natch.

We understand that Miz Alexis' biological clock is ticking loud and she wants a baby. In fact, she wants a baby really bad and reports say she's spending a fortune trying to get one. Perhaps that is why she wants to move out of her stark white penthouse apartment that would surely be destroyed by a toddler who can't help but put their grimy hands on the white walls and spill grape juice on every white sofa in the place.

Although $10,000,000+ residences are a dime a dozen in celebrity and Wall Street tycoon friendly Tribeca, Your Mama has to wonder if there's any real possibility of Miz Alexis' penthouse fetching anywhere near the asking price. A little digging reveals that in August of 2006, another similar but much larger penthouse unit in the same building sold for just $7,850,000. Is Alexis being optimistic or just plain foolish? You decide.

The website for Miz Alexis' radio program actually has a few photos of the penthouse and reveals that Miz Alexis is every bit as organized and tidy as her mama, which is, of course, a good thing. She also has a lot of bras. A lot.

One of our lovely readers also provided a link to a funny little YouTube video that will give everyone a sense of who Alexis is and her orderly lifestyle. She's a lot like her mother, isn't she? Honestly, she seems like someone opinionated and outspoken and very sure of herself. We like her, despite her too white penthouse.

A Little More Real Estate Pornography

BUYER: Sol Kerzner for Beverly Kerzner
LOCATION: West 23rd Street, New York City, NY
PRICE: $8,350,000 (sale price) / monthly charges: $4,581
SIZE: 7,000 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Soaring 30ft. ceilings in the double-height living room provides the most impressive entertaining space, surrounded by enormous windows with superb light. A banquet-sized kitchen is attached to the ultra-chic dining area. A svelte, sound-proofed media room/home theater attached to a large home office leads to a 3rd-level perch over-looking the entire loft. The Master Suite features a grand bathroom with 2-person steam-room and has a room-sized closet. 3 additional bedrooms provide ample accommodations. A separate studio with bath and kitchenette is perfect for a housekeeper.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: This morning we read with amazement and glee the comprehensive report by celebrity real estate wunderkind Max Abelson at the NY Observer about South African hotel tycoon Sol Kerzner, who developed such mega resorts and casinos as Sun City in South Africa and Atlantis in the Bahamas, purchasing a Manhattan penthouse for his daughter Beverley.

In early 2006, there were many rumors and reports that Mister Kerzner had purchased the $10,500,000 penthouse in the Phillip Johnson designed Urban Glass House for Beverley. But apparently Miss Kerzner wasn't feeling that penthouse because, as Mister Abelson reported, daddy Kerzner just spent a whopping $8,350,000 to buy his baby Beverley a massive 7,000+- square foot penthouse apartment in the Chelsea neighborhood in downtown Manhattan.

Well, we know this building and penthouse for several reasons. Number one, the penthouse is located atop the old MacBurney YMCA building on West 23rd Street that now houses, among the luxury condominiums, the sort of swanky David Barton Gym, which is widely considered the gayest gym in New york. Now children, this gymnasium certainly has it's fair number of heterosexual members, but the men's locker room, showers, and steam room is so notoriously naughty that at one point security guards were posted in the locker room in an attempt to curb the pornographic activity.

The gym also lays claim to a fair number of celebrity members including known homosexual songbird Rufus Wainwright and known heterosexual Seth Meyers from Saturday Night Live. We also hear from some one we know to be very, very reliable who belongs to the D.B. Gym, that CNN stud Anderson Cooper often works out (and showers) here. Your Mama is not saying anything, we're just saying...you can draw whatever conclusions you want.

Anyhoo, the behemoth and loft-like triplex penthouse atop the old YMCA was carved out of what was once a basketball court by a team of investors who include the design firm the Apartment. According to Mister Abelson, the investors paid $3,300,000 to purchase the raw space and another $3,000,000 to turn the place into a residence that very closely resembles a club in South Beach.

A peek a the floor plan reveals an entrance hall that overlooks the triple height living room and includes an indoor garden with grow lights for keeping the plants alive, which of course would be the perfect location for Miss Kerzner to grow weed should she be so inclined.

The massive all white kitchen is adjacent to the large dining room which the sellers have kitted out with a massive dining room table and twelve lovely white Panton chairs.

But you know what, it doesn't really matter what this apartment looks like or what furniture is there because, according to Mister Abelson's report, Miss Kerzner is planning on "keeping the kitchen and bathroom and redoing everything else." Including, Your Mama hopes, painting over that awful hot pink support column in the living room.

Back when this penthouse came on the market for $8,950,000 Your mama saved the pictures and floor plans because we were very curious as to what sort of person would buy the heavily designed apartment. Well, now we know.

Anna Friel? Who?

BUYER: Anna Friel
SELLER: Tim Metcalfe
LOCATION: Ledgewood Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,195,500
SIZE: 1,821 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2.75 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Sophistication, character and "Old World" charm best describe this 1934 classic home! Beautiful hi-beamed ceiling and fireplace in living room. Cozy den/office also with fireplace. Country decor is depicted in the decorative tile and hardwood floors of the remodeled kitchen. Refinished peg & groove hardwood floors, original wood windows and French doors leading out to yard. Elegant yet colorful bath on main level. Lower level is bonus square footage media room/art studio or game room etc.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama is only a tiny bit embarrassed to admit that we'd never heard of this Anna Friel woman before Mister Big Time recently wrote about her purchasing a million dollar home in the Hollywood Hills. A little research on the internets and Your Mama learned that the British actress has a quite long list of credits for roles in films and television programs that we have never heard of before. However, Miz Friel is perhaps on her way up the celebrity ladder now that she's landed a plum role on the new, quirky, and widely publicized show Pushing Up Daisies, which features Swoosie Kurtz and Kristin Chenoweth.

The internets also tell us that Miz Friel is British actor David Thewlis' live in lover and baby mama. But of course, Your Mama does not know who Mister Thewlis is either, despite his having appeared in such films as Basic Instinct 2, The Omen, and a couple of the Harry Potter films. Of course we'd have to watch the Harry Potter movies to know anything about the actors, so we confess to never having watched the block busters. Simmer down now children, Your Mama is simply not interested in the hocus pocus science fiction genre, so we do not want to hear your shock and flabbergast about our ignorance of these Potter movies. Honestly.

Anyhoo, this Miz Friel recently purchased her house for $1,195,000. Which is nothing remarkable, except that listing information shows the asking price for the property was $1,169,000. What does this say about the general cooling of the recently white hot real estate market in Los Angeles? Maybe things aren't so cool after all?

We haven't a clue if Mister Thewlis will be living in sin with Miz Friel and their illegitimate baby (we kid darlings, so back off). Whatever the case, Miz Friel's new house sits just north of the itty bitty shopping district in Beachwood Canyon and measures a modest 1,821 square feet. As Mister Big Time noted, listing information shows the house having 3 bedrooms and 2.75 bathrooms, but property records show just 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. Hmm. (P.S. for the kids who don't know, a three quarter bath is one with a sink, terlit and shower only. No tub).

Both property records and Lucy Spillerguts, one of our always on top of things sources, tell us that Miz Friel purchased the house from writer Tim Metcalfe, who was one of the scribes for the Revenge of the Nerds series of "films." Records reveal that Mister Metcalfe purchased the house in 1991 for $454,000 with a wonderfully named lady named Prudence, who we presume is (or was) his lady friend, although we have no proof of that whatsoever.

The house itself is a study in contrasts. The exterior is ordinary to the point of boring, and the kitchen is a little too country for our taste. I mean check that plate storage rack thing. But the 1930 black and white tile in the bathroom is dee-voon (even with the feminine and slightly too dark lavender paint), and the living room itself, with the beamed ceiling, is really quite fetching despite the too small rug and too small artwork on the fireplace mantle.

The den has a certain appeal if you like cabins in the woods (which generally speaking we do not), but please note the exquisite order in which Mister Metcalfe kept the shelves. Very impressive and revealing indeed.

As for the "man's room" with the pool table? Ack. Yes, we love a butterfly chair just as much as anyone else with any modern design sensibility, but there's just something so forlorn and bachelor-like about them sitting there all alone in front of that countrified brick fireplace. It looks like an advertisement for a man who does not have the money or good sense to hire a nice gay decorator. In fact, after seeing the beautiful and obsessive order of the den, we're somewhat surprised to see such a sad little room.

Perhaps Miz Friel (and Mister Thewlis too?) will spend a little of their newly earned income hiring someone to come over and wave the decorating wand over the house and turn it into a house worthy of two up and coming British actors making it in the tough as nails Hollywood system. Happy house dollies.

The Ex-Mrs. Sheen Buys Again

BUYER: Denise Richards
LOCATION: Long Valley Road, Hidden Hills, CA
PRICE: $4,395,000 (list)
SIZE: 1.118 acres, 5,651 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We confess. Denise Richards scares the bejeezis right out of Your Mama. So we proceed here with some trepidation. We are going to attempt to piggy back on Ruth Ryon's recent report on the purchase of a new Hidden Hills residence by Miz Richards, who is starting to remind Your Mama of a character Glenn Close once played on the big screen. Subsequent to Miz Ryon's Hot Properties column in the Los Angeles Times, Mister Big Time also discussed Miz Richards' recent real estate whirligig.

Everyone who turns on the television or reads any of the many glossy tabs knows that Miz Richards and her ex-huzband Charlie Sheen are locked in a fever pitched and hideously bitter battle over the custody and care of their two toddler daughters. Some of the things that are being reported are so shocking and salacious, that Your Mama's gasps can easily be heard by the neighbors.

Your Mama suspects, and hopes, that we are at the tail end of taking up space on the internets and tabloids yakking about the former Bond Gurl and her attempts to stay in the spotlight in the absence of proper acting roles. Mister Sheen may in fact be one of the the hihgest paid television stars whose celeb status will burn brightly for years to come, but it appears that Miz Richards is soon to fade into the special sort of oblivion reserved for minor celebrity wives who were once married to huge stars. Poor gurl.

Anyhoo, as many of you will recall, Miz Richards has been moving around quite a bit since her bust up with Mister Sheen in 2005. First, she bought a house near ex-bff Heather Locklear. However, she quickly sold that place not long after she started screwing around with Miz Locklear's ex-huzband Richie Sambora. Sambora and Richards have since put the kibosh on that controversial relationship. Miz Richards then paid $4,000,000 to purchase an equestrian estate on Long Valley Road in the fancy, guard gated, and celebrity friendly Hidden Hills, but quickly put the place back on the market for $4,495,000.

At the time, there was considerable tabloid chatter about why and where Miz Richards and the children would be moving. Turns out, it's just a few doors down to another house on Long Valley Road. The new house measures in at 5,651 square feet with 5 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms and sits on a 1.118 acre lot. According to listing information, the house also features a foyer with curving stair case, living room, dining room, a chef's kitchen with sunny breakfast room, spacious family room with a brick fireplace. The master suite includes a sitting room and a "spa bath" with a fireplace. Out back is a spa and a large pool with an electric pool cover, which is a nice feature for the lazy and those with small children.

Sadly, Miz Richards has yet to unload the first Long Valley Road property which is now listed at $3,900,000. Yes puppies, the asking price is LESS than she paid for the property in May of 2006. Which means the lady is going to lose money on that transaction. Meanwhile, the acturuss carries the considerable financial stress of two multi-million dollar mortgages–which surely eats a huge bite into whatever spousal and child support she was granted in the dee-vorce–in addition to all the stress that comes with trying to give her ex-husband a (mostly futile) public beat down in the court of public opinion.

Many reports in the past said that Miz Richards was looking to move to another house that would be large enough to accommodate her ailing mother. Sweet. Caring. Sincere. Since we don't know Miz Richards personally, that may be exactly what has transpired and Mama Richards is now ensconced behind the gates of Hidden Hills. None the less, Your Mama does know that in May 2006 Miz Richards' parents purchased a 4,000+ square foot house in Encinitas for $1,599,000. (Encinitas is down by San Diego–we had to Google it too, children.)

Whatever the case, Your Mama really does hope Miz Richards finds some much needed peace and quiet in her life. We are not in the PR or crisis management bizness, but if we we're, we'd strongly advise Miz Richards to stay camped out in her pretty new Hidden Hills house and don't speak to the damn press about anything related to her children or her ex-huzband Charlie Sheen or his new fiancée Brooke. ZIP IT!! We'd recommend she stay deadly quiet and let all the nonsense die out and then cross her fingers and toes that there's room and time for a comeback on the silver screen. Or at least another butt-nekkid photo shoot for Playboy.

The Studio and Residence of Artist Jennifer Bartlett

SELLER: Jennifer Bartlett
LOCATION: Charles Street, New York City
PRICE: $17,900,000
SIZE: 12,800 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 5 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Extremely versatile interior features 50' living/dining room with fireplace opening onto huge terrace, chef's kitchen, spacious library with fireplace and up to 5 bedrooms. Upstairs, enclosed lap pool, with fireplace and Hudson River view, opens onto lavish rooftop gardens where flowering plants abound...Linked by charming exterior stair to the lower deck adjacent to the glass-walled living space where trees and shrubs surround dining terrace and koi pond.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Clearly, not all artists are starving. Case in point, the mammoth New York City home and studio of accomplished American born painter Jennifer Bartlett. Located in the far West Village and just a short walk to the newly refurbished and gorgeous Hudson River Park, the 12,800+- square foot space was once a warehouse that was converted into a sprawling complex that only a rich and successful artist can truly appreciate, or afford.

While we are aware of Miz Bartlett's work–sorry, we're not a huge fan–we're not privy to any scandalicious information about her private life, so we're just going to have to stick to a few of the simple facts we were able to obtain from a very brief and admittedly shabby online search.

Miz Bartlett, brought up in the school of minimalism, isn't exactly a minimalist. She does, however, strictly limit the shapes, patterns and narratives in her paintings, having used themes of water and grids throughout her career. She also has an obvious fascination with the simple shapes of square and triangles that are often put together to resemble houses. The paintings Your Mama are most familiar with are from the mid to late 1990s, where small objects float on the canvas under and intertwined with a complex grid of painted streaks. Complex, layered and interesting to look at, we'd be lying through our teeth if we said we understood them.

Anyhoo, enough of that art stuff, let's get to the real estate. According to listing information, the building has a long history of artistic use and ownership. The building was the former residence and art gallery of noted art collector Walter P. Chrysler Junior. Yes children, Mister Chrysler is from the Chrysler family, but somehow Your Mama doubts he parked a K-Car out front of his building.

Property records indicate that Miz Bartlett purchased this building in December of 1989, not long after the death of Mister Chrysler. If Your Mama is being honest with the children, we'd tell you that we have been unable sort out the actual purchase price of the property among the myriad of documents associated with the property. Another mystery we uncovered is that it appears from the mortgage information we accessed that Doris Saatchi, the first wife of art tycoon Charles Saatchi, might have co-signed the original mortgage for the property. Which would make a certain amount of sense. The Saatchis were well known patrons of Miz Bartlett in the 1980s who collected and commissioned several works by the artist.

According to listing information, Miz Bartlett embarked on a massive renovation that was completed in 1992. In addition to carving out a massive studio and office complex on the lower two floors, she created a loft-like residence on the upper two floors that spills out onto massive terraces that have been extensively and lushly landscaped.

By far the most interesting and unusual feature is, of course, the indoor lap pool that has somehow, in an impressive feat of engineering, been put up on the top floor of the building. Now puppies, while Your Mama thinks it would be magnificent to have a private swimming pool right in the heart of Manhattan where we could paddle in the nood, we are certain we would develop an addiction to Xanax if we lived in this house., because we would surely require a big fat pill every night in order ease the extreme anxiety about the possibility of the swimming pool crashing down on us as we slept in the bedroom below.

Overall, we're very impressed with the serene and comfortable looking interior appointments of the building, although we'd have to change out the really awful floor tile in the kitchen A.S.A.P.

But children, it's not even the expansive interior spaces that make this place worth the humongous asking price. It is the 2,500+- square foot of outdoor space which has Your Mama swooning with envy and pulling out the checkbook. Naturally Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would have to hire a small army of good looking and shirtless landscapers to keep all that foliage from wilting and getting choked by weeds, but it would be worth it to be able to sit under that arbor reading the tabs and working the crossword puzzles over morning coffee.

In addition to this big house and studio in New York City, we read that the painter also maintains a residence in Paris where it's easier to spend time with her French film star husband. We spent about one minute looking for the name of her famous in France husband, but alas, came up empty handed...any of you arty farty types out there know to whom Miz Bartlett is married?

Sources: Art Net, Art Scene

UPDATE: Shelter Island's Shorewood Manor

SELLER: Chris Knight
LOCATION: Shorewood Road and Apple Orchard Lane, Shelter Island, New York
PRICE: $24,900,000
SIZE: 8 acres, 8,500 square feet, 11 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: With just about 8 acres total, this home features all the details of the grand era gone by. Original moldings, windows and hardwood floors, this home is ready for a 21st century renovation. Approximately 8,500 sq ft in total, the possibilities of a total renovation are endless. Over 1,000 feet of waterfront and a honeymoon cottage located at the waters edge and an impressive history of ownership, this once in a lifetime chance to own this property should not be missed. Property also features an original Celtic style water tower and massive copper beach trees.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Shorewood Manor, the Shelter Island estate formerly owned by New York State governor Hugh Carey, has recently seen a massive price reduction form $33,000,000 to the still astronomical asking price of $24,900,000. The property is still being marketed as a fixer-upper, but it appears that current owner Chris Knight has wisely put a little money into making it look nice for prospective buyers.

As many of y'all will recall, Your Mama discussed this property and our intimate knowledge of the place back in early April 2007, which was not long after Mister Knight purchased the property for a reported $10,000,000 and just two weeks later put it back on the market for a staggering $33,000,000. That much of a mark up in that short of a time period takes some serious real estate cajones. While Your Mam never thought for an instant that Mister Knight would get anywhere near 33 million clams, we have to stand up and applaud Mister Knight's brazen money grab.

From the new photos, the interior looks to have been sanded and painted and stuffed full of eclectic furniture, some of which looks like catering company furniture and some of which looks like it might be better suited to an outdoor patio or screened porch. None the less, the old gurl is looking better than she has in years.

Your Mama has read and heard that the estate can be rented for special occasions and certainly this would be a spectacular location for a soiree of the Hamptons hoi polloi...if you can get them to cross over on the nearby ferry.

We have no doubt this property is worth more than the $10,000,000 Mister Knight paid for the place, but we still have a hard time getting our itty bitty and tired mind around the idea that someone might pay upwards of $20,000,000 for a house that needs updated and upgraded everything, and we mean everything.

It is the humble and meaningless opinion of Your Mama that Mister Knight would be better off listing the stunning 8 acre property with 270 degree views at $16,500,000 and selling somewhere around fourteen...that would certainly net him a few million. However, given that he's clearly looking for a $10-15,000,000 profit on his investment, perhaps it's worthwhile for him to wait it out, even if it takes years to sell.

Best of luck with that Mister Knight.

Rent Dan Aykroyd's (Allegedly) Haunted House

OWNER: Dan Aykroyd and Donna Dixon
LOCATION: Woodrow Wilson Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $30,000 / month
SIZE: 4,828 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Gorgeous English Country celebrity compound behind the gates for total privacy. Extraordinary taste & style, furnished in turn-key condition, fabulous ground, superb pool.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: For some reason, Your Mama has increasing amounts of information on celebrity owned houses that are available for short and long term lease. For example, we have previously discussed homosexual boy band graduate Lance Bass' house of two swimming pools, we've discussed Faye Dunaway's West Hollywood hideout, and a hundred moons ago, we discussed the spectacular Runyon Canyon residence of Naomi Foner and Stephen Gyllenhaal (parents of famous sibs Maggie and Jake). Today we're going to be letting it fly about venerable comedian and original cast member of Saturday Night Live Dan Aykroyd and actress wifey Donna Dixon's allegedly haunted house high in the Hills of Hollywood.

The secluded "English Country" style residence has a long history of celebrity owners including Beatles drummer Ringo Starr. The property was also called home by one of the most famous mamas that ever was, the corpulent and hugely talented Cass Elliot from the legendary folk rock group The Mamas and the Papas.

Listing information for the 4,828 square foot house indicates there are 5 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms (property records show 6 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms), and is available on short term lease for $30,000 per month, fully furnished. Listing information shows the couple is willing to negotiate the price on a long term rental. Interestingly, no one seems to want to lease this house. Listing information Your Mama received from a very smart and talented realtor in the valley we'll call Big Bird shows the property has been on the rental market for more than 450 days, which is a very long time.

Oh hunnies, with all due respect to the Aykroyd/Dixon household, Your Mama could not be paid $30,000 a month to live up in this house. And it's not because of that awful kitchen where that horrid and eyeball assaulting floral wallpaper has been stuck to every flat surface in the room including the damn ceiling. Oh, no. The reason Your Mama would not be found sleeping up in this house is because the house is reported to be haunted.

Of course, Your Mama has no peersonal experience of the house being haunted, but Mister Aykroyd, a man with a huge and well known fascination of all things paranormal, claims himself that the house is inhabited by apparitions, stating that a poltergeist has gotten into bed with him (what!?!), turned on the Stairmaster, and moved jewelry across the dresser. He also said, "I'm sure it's Mama Cass because you get the feeling it's a big ghost."

Children, back in our university days, Your Mama lived in a haunted house, and let us tell you, there was no peace to be found in that house. That damn ghost would rattle things, hide things and STEAL things. Yes, we said steal things. I'm telling you the honest truth here babies. Your Mama came home from Latin class one day to find all the drinking cups in the house gone. GONE. Another day we returned home to find all the flatware had vanished. After having a crazy fat lady come over and do a séance in the middle of the night during which the entire second floor of the house heated up to more 90 degrees and the walls began to sweat, Your Mama packed up and moved our belongings out of that scary house right quick.

Anyhoo, despite our passionate love of white sofas, Your Mama finds most of the interior photos of this house to be done up in a boring Pottery Barn 101 style that has collided with a frumpy British woman. Except for that amazing library, which looks like something marvelous and decadent out of a mad Count's castle in Bavaria, or maybe the library in a massive 16-room Park Avenue palace inhabited by an educated and bohemian heiress and her well-traveled and well-read male companion.

The flat and grassy backyard area certainly provides enough space to run the dogs and exercise the children until they drop from exhaustion, and the natural stone pool deck appears to be sufficiently sunny. Your Mama is certainly not keen on that massive chunk of lattice work we see on the end of the house, but we do imagine it's a sun dappled and cool spot to suck down gin and tonics while the children frolic in the pool with their various nannies and security personnel.

Property records reveal that in addition to this Hollywood Hills house, The Canadian born Mister Aykroyd, a co-founder of the House of Blues empire, appears to maintain another Los Angeles residence on Selma Avenue, which records indicate he owns in partnership with his brother Peter, an actor and psychic researcher, whatever that is. We also located residences for Mister Aykroyd in on East 89th Street in New York City, as well as a property on Martha's Vineyard, a favorite East Coast hangout for the rich, famous and discreet. Some reports say that Mister Aykroyd also maintains a summer home in Kingston, Ontario, Canada, around Loughborough Lake.

A March 2002 report in Forbes stated that the couple had put their Hollywood Hills house on the market for $2,500,000. However, property records reveal that the famous couple continue to own the property.

Your Mama wishes the couple all the luck in the world getting this house leased out to someone very rich who does not mind having a phantom crawl into bed with them at night. Certainly in the the strange and eccentric sprawl of Los Angeles, there has to be at least a couple of people curious to know what it's like to live with the ghost of Mama Cass, right?

Sources: Forbes, The Guardian UK, CBC, About.com

Scary Spice Double Whammy

SELLER: Melanie Brown, aka Mel B, aka Scary Spice
LOCATION: 5656 Hill Oak Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,810,000 (sale price)
SIZE: 2,990 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: "The Oaks." Fabulous city and canyon views. Huge private deck plus pool. Remodeled with great cooks kitchen with BBQ and all Viking appliances. 3 bedroom suites, high ceiling living room and dining room area. Wood floors and security system.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: This morning Your Mama is going to piggy back on Mister Big Time's excellent scoop from earlier this week about Melanie Brown (aka Mel B, aka Scary Spice, aka Eddie Murphy's baby mama) buying and selling houses in Los Angeles.

First let's start with the property that Miz Scary Spice purchased back in June of 2003 for $1,495,000 and recently sold for $1,810,000. The property, nestled in the crook of the street with lovely views of the canyon, is located up in the desirable Los Feliz neighborhood called "The Oaks," which is of course the same neck of the woods that Mister Angelina Jolie has long owned a compound of properties on Valley Oak Drive and Briarcliff Road, and also the area where OCD house flipper Jeff Lewis often does bizness.

In April, the much in the news Miz Scary Spice pushed out a baby that recently engaged Eddie Murphy, who already fathered a half dozen children, has been reluctant to claim. Naturally, an epic, public, and bitter battle has ensued over child support and such. Then she up and married some music or movie producer dude named Stephen Belafonte, who she got with while she had Eddie Murphy's baby in her belly and appears to have paternity and child support issues of his own. The beleaguered tabloid queen and new mommy will soon be hitting the dance floor on the disturbing but fascinating Dancing With The Stars program. It has been reported that Victoria Beckham, the publicity hungriest Spice Girl of all, would like to design Miz Scary Spice's sequined and high-slitted outfits. Hmm.

Anyhoo, Your Mama is kinda digging the former House of Scary Spice. Yes, it does sit a little too close to the road for our liking, but we like the easy maintenance front garden which surely cuts down on the landscaping bills. Fortunately the front facade does not appear to have many windows because we do NOT need the dog walking neighbors peeping in the front windows trying to get a look at our furniture and artworks.

Once inside, we appreciate the high wood ceilings and the informal layout. The recently renovated kitchen looks both sleek and warm and of course Your Mama loves all the Viking appliances. We might have considered a nice tiled back splash behind the sink. Your Mama is feeling mixed on the baby blue master bathroom. Maybe it just needs a lovely photograph on the wall behind the tub? Or maybe it just looks devoid of life because there are no lotions and potions to be seen? Is it dark? Is there a window in here?

All the major rooms of this home spill out to the mammoth deck that stretches across the back of the house and provides an excellent location for our pussycat Sugar to stretch out in the sun. The deck leads to the lovely kidney shaped pool. Given that the South facing deck is drenched with the scorching sun most of the day, we are pleased and relieved to find a nice shady spot behind the swimming pool for afternoon naps.

We can't imagine why Miz Scary Spice would sell this seemingly well outfitted single story house and move to another, but she did. It can't be because she wanted more yard for the brat, or a more child friendly property, because the new house, as you'll note, does not have any more yard space than this house and is certainly no more children friendly. Your Mama is convinced that celebrities, even the "b" and "c" list celebrities, just like to move frequently.
BUYER: Melanie Brown, aka Mel B, aka Scary Spice
LOCATION: Mount Olympus Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $3,000,000 (sale price)
SIZE: 3,476 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Sophisticated vibe. Understated luxury! Ultra chic showpiece w/ commanding city to ocean views. This 4 BD, 3.5 BA contemporary has been recently redesigned to integrate a sexy vibe w/ an ambiance of understated luxury. Private entry leads to hip outdoor lounge, pool & spa. Spacious open floor plan features sleek stylized doors, gourmet kitchen, fire & ice F/P, walls of seamless glass, floating staircase, hot master suite w/ views, F/P and infinity spa bath. A Mecca for the ultra sophisticated.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Okay babies, although we are not fond of the Mount Olympus location (nice views and great central location, but too many horrendous and ugly houses to look at as you drive through the nabe), we like Miz Scary Spice's newly renovated new house, even if it is a little W Hotel in its interior appointments for our taste.

Keep in mind that the decor in the photographs is NOT that of Miz Scary Spice, so we can't knock her for that uber gay and frightening close up of Madonna's face on the dining room wall, which is so impossibly and heinously in error that it is almost not worth mentioning. Almost.

Naturally we would prefer a gated motor court in a house in this price range so that the neighbors aren't able to see what groceries we're buying or what celebrity we're squirreling into the house, but unfortunately for Miz Scary Spice, all that bizness will be played out in the tabloids.

One of the features that Your Mama likes about this house is that it both faces the interior courtyard where the swimming pool and spa are located, but it also faces the big views towards the ocean from the Southern side of the house.

As cliche and over-done as they are, Your Mama digs the espresso colored floors and the cabinetry in the kitchen. The juxtaposition of the white counter tops is lovely and even more lovely if it's Carrara marble.

But hands down, our favorite feature of this property is the outdoor covered living room area near the front entry doors and the kidney shaped swimming pool (lowest right photo). This shady and cool location looks like an excellent spot to get out of the blazing sun and read all the glossy tabs. This space would be even better if it had a fireplace, but alas, the addition of that feature appears to have been overlooked.

Given that Miz Scary Spice just had a child, we're a little surprised that she would choose a residence with a floating (read: dangerous for children) staircase and acres of floor to ceiling seamless glass that she is going to have to pay the nanny extra to keep fingerprint free. Also, there is no yard here for a jungle gym or sand box, so we imagine Miz Scary Spice is going to have to pack it up and move again with the peanut is a toddler.

Your Mama wishes Miz Scary Spice luck on Dancing With the Stars. Everyone has high hopes for you gurl. You were a singing and dancing pop star at one time, after all. And we wish her some peace and quiet in her life, because hunny, you might get off on the drama and resulting publicity with Mister Eddie Murphy, but Your Mama assures you, that baby of yours will not.