Lindsay cleans up

OWNER / SELLER: Lindsay Lohan
LOCATION: 9255 Doheny, West Hollywood
PRICE: $2,850,000
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms, 2,117 square feet
DESCRIPTION: Opportunity awaits. The most famous full service high rise in the city. This 3 bedroom, 2.5 bathroom Northwest corner uit is on the desirable 27th floor. Boasting killer ocean, city, sunset and Hollywood Hills views. Ready for your client to customize and make it their own ultimate retreat.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: It is no secret to anyone who reads celebrity shit, or lives in Los Angeles, that the photo above is of the Sierra Towers apartment building in West Hollywood. And it is true that Ms. Lohan owns an apartment here. But don't be standing out front bugging the doormen and other tenants with your prying eyes, because La Lohan does not live here and has never occupied this apartment. (Her people state it was purchased as an investment in 2005 for $1,900,000.)

This poor ak-tress, whose every move, word and vaginal exposure is printed up in the tabs, has instead famously taken up residence at the paparazzi surrounded Chateau Marmont Hotel. (Interesting choice for someone looking for some privacy if anyone wants Your Mamas opinion.) Perhaps hotel living is just simpler for this fast living gal, even with all the strangers roaming the halls and photogs out front. This way she does not have to try and scramble her own late night eggs but rather can just scramble for the house phone after a late night at Teddy's or Hyde partying with HER mama.

By all accounts the Sierra Towers apartment is "dated" and needs loads of work. Even still this little lady stands to make a small fortune selling this apartment on. Even after she pays her people at the Westside Agency and whatever flip tax she'll be responsible for, she's likely to walk with upwards of $500,000. Not bad for a sub-par place that's just sat collecting dust for a year or two. All you babies should be so lucky in your real estate deals.

I'm sorry there are not more photos children, but neither the mls nor the listing agent's website had any other photos. I don't think the lack of photos is a privacy issue, but rather that the apartment is simply too undone.

EXTRA NOTE FROM YOUR MAMA: Your Mama wants you to have a little extra celebrity informaton on this building...Matthew Perry and Cher also maintain residences in this building along with a few other big name Hollywood types like Diahann Carol. As you know, Your Mama's mind is not what it used to be, but I seem to remember there was a lot of talk about Cher, who has resided in Malibu for many years in a spectacular ocean front estate, spending an astronomical sum of money for her apartment so that she could have a place in town near her hair and make up people. Can you imagine? Reportedly she paid around $4,500,000 smackers for a 1 bedroom duplex that at one time belonged to David Geffen. Yes, children, I did say a 1 bedroom apartment. And apparently she gutted it too. Phew...I guess that's what one does as a semi-retired celebrity with oodles of cash.

Divorce and sell

SELLER: Hillary Swank and Chad Lowe
LOCATION: 33 Charles Street, NYC
PRICE: $7,550,000 (taxes: $21,348/year)
SIZE: 3,243 square feet
DESCRIPTION: 33 Charles in prime West Village is a completely restored four-story, beautifully proportioned home. Because of the position of the house on Charles, the sunlight is extraordinary through its French windows and doors. There are six wood-burning fireplaces, central air throughout, a new kitchen and baths, and a deep, beautifully planted garden.

YOUR MAMA NOTES: Looking at the photos you'd think this property would have high end buyers interested left and right. It's gor-gee-us. But alas, Hillarykins and her (now ex-) Mister had to reduce this place by nearly $750,000 to get it sold. But we shouldn't feel bad for these two, they paid $3,900,000 back in 2002. And even though they did an extensive and expensive two year renovation headed by designer Mark Zeff, they're still walking off with couple million. or close to...

Check the well considered floorplan babies, you can see that each of these celebs had a big walk in for all the free clothes, bags and shoes that designers gave them over the years. And for all their success (let's not forget this gal has two Oscars), the house is sorta modest, right? But what all the children want to know about is that crazy rabbit.

We got some Star Jones here

SELLER: Star Jones
LOCATION: East 90th Street (and 2nd Avenue)
PRICE: $2,250,000 (maintenance approx $3,200/month)
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Stunning penthouse triplex with huge roof terrace. First floor: 2 bedrooms with full bath. Second floor: Large living room, dining area with gas burning fireplace, kitchen, powder room. Second floor master bedroom suite with dressing room, gold tiled bathroom with sauna and steam. Huge built-in closets thorughout. Third floor: presently used a "party" room off terrace. Can be fourth bedroom and additional bath can be added. Exceptional private terrace with four exposures. Excellent light throughout. Elevator access from first two floors.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: I pulled this one from my archives babies, so I know it's a little dated. But I'm sorry, I just can't resist me some Star Jones. I vaguely remember hearing this apartment had been taken off the market, but Your Mama's memory is not what it used to be, so if anyone has any current 411 on this listing, please let me know.

Anyway, the photos here show how the once fat and now sorta skinny Star Jones lives the good life in New York City. Sure the apartment looks impressive, but let's get down to brass tacks. This place is a little east to be a prime location. It may only be 4 blocks to Madison Avenue, but that's a long way if you're wearing you some Christian Louboutin stilletos...or carrying around some extra weight. And the building, well let's just say it's not one of the better buildings uptown.

My favorite photos are of course those of the boudoir and the dressing closet. All those red fuck-me pumps are impressive for sure. And puppies, what about that gold bathtub surround. That is really something, isn't it? I can just imagine Miss Star Jones luxuriating in a warm milk bath ordering her husband to get her some champagne while she admires her milk chocolate skin in the gold-plated spigot.

And of course all the children want to know if Al gets to keep his clothes in that closet and put his make-up on in that mirror? I don't see any of his manyly things in these photos so maybe he's relegated to those bedrooms on the lower floor? I'm not being mean for mean's sake people, there are questions about this and you know it. But let's be honest, these lovebirds have lasted far long than any of us jaded folks imagined and bully for them.