Another Orange County Housewife House Goes on the Block

SELLER: Simon and Tamra Barney
LOCATION: Pointe Circle, Ladera Ranch, CA
PRICE: $1,599,000
SIZE: 4,300 (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Tuscan Beauty! This very desirable plan 3 sits on a pie shaped lot at the end of a long cul-de-sac with only 4 houses on the street. 5 bedrooms all with full bathrooms. down stairs office with built in bookcase.loft, master bedroom retreat, hardwood floors with custom stone inlay. Large kitchen with granite center island. rustic wood beams, crown molding, Iron staircase. Entertainers DREAM yard. Wrap around yard has everything. Saltwater pool and spa w/ waterfalls, fireplace, fire pit, built in grill with prep area, 2 refrigerators, built in covered bar, lush landscaping and so much more.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Since the fourth season of the terrifically trashy tee-vee train wreck that is The Real Housewives of Orange County is soon to spill into our family rooms and liquefy the intellectual framework of our already gin and tonic sotted brains, Your Mama thought the children might like a little real estate scuttlebutt about one of the stupidly stereotypical southern California ladees that make up the publicity craving cast of the program.

Thanks to covert communiques from several of Your Mama's tipsters from down behind the Orange Curtain, we recently learned that 40-year old real estate agent Tamra Barney and her uptight Mercedes-Benz salesman huzband Simon have put their Ladera Ranch tract house on the market with an asking price of $1,599,000. Do y'all recall which one she is? She's the deeply shallow and looks obsessed blond gal with four children and perky plastic boobs who was utterly wrecked about turning the big four-0 and who seemed to think she was clever and cute when she was drunk but was really quite annoying and embarrassing. Remember her? She isn't as troubling as the colossally cleavaged Christian cougar Quinn Fry, but she's a close second.

Anyhoo, property records show that Mister Mercedes and his reluctantly slipping over the hill wifey scooped up their tract house in August of 2005 when they forked over $1,320,500 for their approximately 4,300 square foot so-called "Tuscan Beauty." Wedged into an 8,937 square foot pie-shaped lot, the 5 bedroom and 5.5 bathroom residence is located in the gated community of Covenant Hills which, rather surprisingly, is the only gated community in Ladera Ranch.

Listing information indicates that each of the five bedrooms includes a private pooper and another half bathroom services the downstairs where guests are greeted in a narrow, double height entrance hall with a slightly curved staircase. The oppresively beige living room is focused on a fireplace and has been painted beige, filled with a boat load of beige furniture and topped off with a breathtakingly absurd chandelier. Somewhere there is a formal dining room, but if it looks anything like the living room, we do not care to see it. Listing information also indicates the downstairs includes an office with built in bookcases where we like to imagine Mrs. Barney works her real estate empire and schedules her Botox appointments.

The reasonably sized and well appointed kitchen is not to our taste, but we do think with a few minor tweaks–say, replacing those nasty hanging lights over the work island–this could be a very functional and family friendly food preparation room. The adjacent family room features an unfortunately off-center fireplace, more banal beige furniture (not to mention a truckload of beige floor tiles), and a built-in entertainment center where the ever so humble Mrs. Barney made sure her image was on the big screen tee-vee when the photo was taken. Now that, children, is klassy with a "k" if we ever saw it.

Upstairs, a saloon-like sitting area is flanked by four of the five bedrooms including the master retreat with a day-core so perplexing and horrendous that Your Mama can not stop looking at it. Could that be one of Suzanne Somers' ridiculously obscene ThighMasters stashed under the bench at the foot of the bed? If not, she might want to consider ordering one of those exercise contraptions. Your Mama sincerely recommends Mrs. Barney keep her thighs tight, tight, TIGHT in order to stave off the threat of Mister Mercedes turning her in for a newer and younger model.

The Barney backyard has been did up and worked over in an extravagant manner like most of the other Housewives houses. A greenery surrounded barbecue center has plenty of counter space for ripping the skin of chicken breasts, a built in gas grill, not just one, but two mini-fridges, and an outdoor fireplace flanked by a couple of padded benches. Somewhere, according to listing information, there is also a built in fire pit, which just seems like gilding the lily, don't it? Naturally, since the Barney babe and Mister Mercedes have a few shorties running around the tract house, the saltwater swimming pool and spa have been surrounded by a protective barrier to keep the kiddies from drowning while all the grown-ups get crocked at the semi-circular wet bar that occupies a covered patio.

Listen puppies, these Orange Country tract homes are about as far from Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's Barbie Dream House as a home can get. But clearly there are many folks who feel just the opposite. For all we know, and we truely don't know a thing about anything, this is an exquisite and desirable residential example of a finely feathered Orange Country nest that easily justifies the $1,599,000 asking price. You be the judge.

Lance Bass Tries Again In Beverly Hills

SELLER: Lance Bass
LOCATION: Mulholland Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $3,925,000
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Private Celebrity Compound up long drive sitting on its own promontory high above Beverly Hills on 1+ acre. Elegant 2-story main house with pool and large deck, open floorplan, chef's kitchen, 3 fireplaces, sexy master suite. Guest House with fireplace, kitchen, bed/bath and 2nd pool, huge sep gym facility with spa-like bathroom, panoramic views on both sides of hill, extra large motor court. Incredible value even in current market. Fabulous entertaining property.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Although it's a little upsetting to the equilibrium to do so, let's begin the day by discussing Hollywood homosexual Lance Bass and the Bev Hills Post Office property he recently (re)listed for sale with an asking price of $3,925,000.

The former N' Sync singer who bravely, but not very surprisingly, busted out of the proverbial closet in July of 2006, went on to become a fixture at Hollywood hotspots like Villa and Roosevelts and can currently be seen spinning, dipping and shimmying across the stage on that dee-pressing but terribly popular Dancing With the Stars program where he is making a valiant attempt to revive his lagging career.

Some of Your Mama's older children will recall we discussed and skewered his Mulholland Drive estate way back in August of 2007 when we'd heard whispered through the real estate gossip grapevine that Miss Bass was looking to lease out his hilltop house while he was back in New York City appearing as Corny Collins in Broadway's blockbuster musical Hairspray.

At that time, thanks to our wickedly well informed tipster Lucy Spillerguts, we also came across an old and expired listings which indicated the former boy bander had actually listed his 3 bedroom and 5 bathroom estate for sale in both in 2005 (for $4,900,000) and 2006 when he hoisted it onto the market with an asking price of $5,250,000.

Property records show that Miss Bass bought his big house in October of 2003 for $3,880,000. It does not require Your Mama flicking the well worn beads of our bejeweled abacus to understand that ol' bug eyed Bass is going to lose his Jimmy Choos on this real estate transaction. Not only will the hefty real estate fees leave him short, he's also going to be out for any improvements, repairs and renovations he made his 1+ acre property that includes a medium sized main house, a good sized guest house, two (two!) swimming pools and extensive gardens that require constant and expensive maintenance.

Records show the main house measures in at 3,811 square feet, but we'd swear it was bigger than that. But then again, as we said in our previous discussion, so many mens things look larger in pictures, okaaay. Anyhoo, listing information indicates the main house includes 3 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms, three fireplaces and an desperately uninspired day-core that perfectly suits one of those too large suburban tract houses that litter the land. Since Your Mama worked ourselves into a lather and wore ourselves out picking apart this house last year, we won't bother to do it again other to say that we are soo-prised that Miss Bass did not get a nice gay decorator up in his house to work out some of the more disturbing decorative kinks before re-listing his mansion. A reduced price, albeit a huge reduction, simply does not justify that dreadful coffee table in the living room or the dining room set that looks like something someone would win in the Showcase Showdown on that Price Is Right program.

Listing information also indicates the guest house, which has it's own private swimming pool, includes a living room with fireplace, kitchen, bedroom and bathroom. Somewhere on the property, according to listing information, is a gigantic gym facility with its own spa-like bathroom where Lance can get a sweat on and then take a steam with his well-built trainer. We think this work out room may be attached to the detached garage, but don't know for sure.

A long winding driveway terminates in a motor court large enough to park the fancy vehicles of every member of Hollywood's alleged pink mafia. A large deck at the rear of the house provides panoramic views over the San Fernando Valley while the front of the property offers a long view over Franklin Canyon and towards the glittering lights of Beverly Hills.

Your Mama sincerely hopes that when he sells this compound like estate, Miss Bass will wise up and buy a more modest crib that will not require he sell his soul to the show bizness devil to maintain. And, as we very sincerely offered in our previous discussion, we encourage Miss Bass to let us know when he moves house so we can provide him with a long list of decorators (nice, gay and otherwise) that can help him create a much more dignified interior day-core than he currently has. Because let's be honest children, no gay dude with this much money should be living up in a house like this. Are we right?

Teenager Hayden Panetierre Buys a Grown Up House

BUYER: Hayden Panettiere
LOCATION: Curson Terrace, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,635,000
SIZE: 3,120 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...Floor-to-ceiling windows in most rooms looking out to unobstructed 180-degree views of the city from downtown to the ocean. 3Br/3Ba including large master suite. Open floor plan w/ lots of natural light. Large living room and family room w/ fireplaces. Office, laundry room & recently upgraded kitchen w/ high end appliances. Pool and expansive deck areas w/ huge city views.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to the ever intrepid gentleman who compiles the extensive and impressive Celebrity Address Aerial database, we have learned that very bizzy teenage ack-turuss Hayden Panettiere recently forked over $2,635,000 for a very grown up mid-century modern style house in the foothills above Hollywood.

Although we've never paid much attention to Young Miss Panettiere, a quick search of the internets reveals that the 19 year old child has a long and varied resume that shows she worked on several soap operas before graduating to roles in films like Remember the Titans with Denzel W. and a starring role as a supernaturally empowered cheerleader on a boob-toob program called Heroes. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter don't go for the sci-fi stuff so we've never set eyes on that particular program, but according to our research, it's very popular.

Other personal and professional tidbits the children might like to know about young Miss Panetierre include being nominated for a Grammy for singing a song in the animated blockbuster A Bug's Life, shamelessly shilling for corporations such as Neutrogena and Candie's (the shoo maker who fashioned those crazy clackety high heels favored by popular and kinda slutty high school gurls in the 1970s), recording a pop album to be released sometime in 2009, dating her much older Heroes co-star Milo Ventimiglia, speaking out about her lefty leaning political point of view and showboating as a globe trotting and dedicated animal rights activist. Good grief children, this gurl makes Your Mama feel like an indolent slab of beef jerky. It's a wonder Miss Missy has time to film her tee-vee program.

Anyhoo, property records indicate that back in February of 2008, young Miss Panettiere purchased a 3,120 square foot house in Los Angeles which sits down a long private driveway and happens to be di-reck-ly across the street from Tinseltown power chick Drew Barrymore's long time residence on Curson Terrace.

Listing information provided by one of our more generous tipsters indicates that the two story glass and wood box of a house was erected in 1962, sits on a sloping half acre lot and includes three bedrooms and 3 bathrooms. The loft like floor plan includes a large living and dining room with gleaming wood floors that look a little slick for dragging around in high heels, a fireplace and floor to ceiling windows that draw the eyeballs out towards the glittering carpet of lights below. Your Mama just hopes those windows have hidden and electronic shades hiding up in that itty bitty valance because those windows face due west and children, listen to Your Mama when we tell you, that the afternoon sun in Los Angeles can be a scorching nightmare that heats up your house like a damn oven.

The kitchen has been freshly renovated in a crisp modern style that won't win any dee-zine awards, but looks far better than many–if not most–of the colossally catastrophic and seizure inducing kitchens we run across. The children will please note that whomever planned this kitchen was wise enough to provide a cubby for the microwave so that it does not sit on the counter top like this is some college flop house. We can understand needing to plop the microwave down on the counter in an unrenovated kitchen, but there is zero reason in a $50,000 cooking room to have that thing competing for counter space.

A family room is adjacent and open to the family room which features a rather large skylight, a stone faced fireplace and another wall of floor to ceiling windows that gives out to a large deck that includes built in seating and stretches the entire length of the back of the house. A small, oddly shaped swimming pool sits at the other end of the property where, should they choose, Miss Panettiere and the much older Mister Ventimiglia can sun their bare buns in perfect privacy.

Upstairs, the master bedroom offers a wall of spine tingling and vertigo inducing floor to ceiling windows and an oddly placed and too small Fortuny chandelier. We recommend Miss Panettiere ring an electrician and a nice gay decorator to work out the kinks with that illumination issue.

Now children, the furniture shown in the photos is not that of Miss Panettiere, so don't any of you people start running at the mouth about how you don't cotton to her taste in Heywood Wakefield dining room tables, Eames molded plywood lounge chairs or Chinese cabinets for hiding the boob toob. She didn't buy that stuff, she bought the house. For what it's worth (and it ain't worth nuthin'), we are rather impressed with Miss Panettiere's real estate selection abilities. Not only is the house modest in scale and of an interesting (if not ground breaking) architectural design, it's also walking distance to Runyan Canyon were our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly like to hike, frolic and poop among the rich and famous. We're sure some of you will skewer us for saying this, but truth be told, if something was done to make those slippery looking floors less lethal, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would be more than happy to move right into young Miss Panettiere's new crib.

We wish Miss Panettiere a happy home and we recommend that she slow down a little bit or she's gonna wear herself down and need to be pumping that crazy Botox crap into her face before she's 25.