UPDATE: Michael Jackson

Roger Friedman, who pens the mighty Fox 411 gossip fest, included a wee blurb in his column today that reports that the much publicized May 14 foreclosure auction for Neverland Ranch is full speed ahead.

Now children, we got no reason to disbelieve the typically very well informed Mister Friedman...except for what we hear from Mister Plum, a seemingly well connected informant who whispers something a different in Your Mama's big ear.

According to Mister Plum, The White Lady has miraculously managed to get Fortress Investment Group to once again restructure his massive loan on the forlorn and falling apart Neverland Ranch so that the former King of Pop can sell it privately to a group of LA based investors. Now go put on your thinking caps children, because this is where it gets even more confusing. Mister Friedman has repeatedly reported that an L.A. based investor named Jason Castero has put $46,000,000 into an escrow account and will likely be one of the bidders standing on the steps of the Santa Barbara County courthouse on May 14.

However Mr. Plum, who claims to have connections at Fortress, says he's quite certain the foreclosure sale won't happen and there is another LA-based investment group that is NOT headed up by Jason Castero who is also making a play to purchase the property directly from The White Lady...that is IF the beleaguered and financially strapped Gloved One will sell the property.

Here's the thing: Your Mama has a very, very difficult time believing that Fortress would be in any mood to want to work with Mister Jackson on this long defaulted on $24,500,000 loan. We simply can't figure out how a refinance on the 2,600 acre ranch is in their best interest particularly if they know that this Castero fellow and perhaps another group of cash rich investors are chomping at the bit to buy the property.

Mister Plum tells Your Mama that it's going down this way because "Mister Jackson does not play that way," referring to the foreclosure and auction bizness. But with all due respect to Mister Plum, Neverland Ranch is already in foreclosure and Mister Jackson really isn't in any position to pull the real estate strings and play any way anymore. It all seems to have moved far beyond his ability to control the situation and call the shots, much as he might like to, of course

So then we'll all have to sit tight until the scheduled May 14 auction draws near and then see how all this rumor and gossip will sort itself out and into a place of truth and reality.

Photo/Sculpture: Jeff Koons' Michael Jackson and Bubbles (1986) via World of Art

Mary J. Blige Goes Big in Sadde River

BUYER: Mary J. Blige
LOCATION: Saddle River Road, Saddle River, NJ
PRICE: $13,900,000 (asking)
SIZE: 18,250 square feet (approx.), 8 bedrooms, 8 full and 3 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: The ultimate estate! This magnificent stone and stucco country French manor features approx. 18,250 square feet of luxurious living space. Located on 4.2 beautiful acres, this one-of-a-kind estate features the ultimate in design and craftsmanship. This remarkable home offers the very best in luxury: huge gourmet chef's kitchen w/ fireplace, great reception rooms for entertaining, incredible master suite, movie theater with seating for fourteen, wine tasting room, fitness center, indoor basketball court, walk-out lower level, elevator, to all floors, huge swimming pool, full service cabana, 6 car and so much more! Truly Pinnacle's most spectacular estate!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: According to the NY Daily News–and about 1000 other print and online gossip columns–wigged out, blinged up and fur wrapped hip hop chanteuse Mary J. Blige and her record-industry executive huzband Kendu Isaacs recently forked over $12,300,000 to purchase a monstrous mansion in swanky and suburban Saddle River, NJ. Your Mama knows some of the more pessimistic children are in a deep and existential panic about the real estate market and the availability, or lack of availability, of big mortgages. However don't any of you chicken littles out there need to wring your worried hands and fret that the Blige/Isaacs suffered any trouble or trauma securing a fat mortgage for their new crib because children, they paid cash. That's right, C.A.S.H., cash.

Many of you children prolly think all rich and famous folks pay cash for their cribs, digs and nests, however, it's actually less common than you might think. Some of you kids might be flabbergasted and flummoxed by just how many super rich celebs and bizness bigwigs service major mortgages of 4, 8 and 10 million clams. And more.

According to The Daily News and listing information for the 4.2 acre property, the Bronx born "Queen of Hip Hop Soul" drove a hard bargain for the newly built 18,250 square foot (approx.) post-Euro-modern-chateau-ish suburban sprawler. At one point, the property was listed at $17,000,000 and later reduced to $13,900,000 before Miz Blige and Mister Isaacs walked in with their big bundle of cash boodle and managed to convince the developer/seller to agree to a sale price of $12,300,000 for the newly constructed home.

Initially Your Mama was not able to come up with any photos of the property. Then we put dog with a bone researcher B.S. Beaverman on the case and luckily for all the hungry children, she turned up several photos and a floor plan. Everyone bow down to The Beaverman.

According to the floor plan, which Your Mama can not guarantee is 100% accurate to what was actually built, the first floor includes a library, a living room, a billiard room, a great room (which is really just a larger second living room) and a gallery/loggia with built in shelves which Your Mama thinks might be a nice spot for soo-blime Miz Blige to display her gold records and eight (eight!) Grammys. The family quarters include a hexagonal breakfast room and cozy family room, a commodious kitchen where Miz Blige's private chef could easily whip up a meal for 20 or 40 friends, and a maids room and bath next to the garage.

Upstairs the sprawling master suite is accessed by a large and grandiose circular stair case and includes a private sitting room with fireplace, a small terrace and dual bathrooms and walk in closets. Your Mama has to wonder if Miz Blige will be installing a temperature controlled fur closet for her extensive collection of animal pelts, a feature she could make certainly make good use of, but one we're quite certain the PETA people would have a hissy fit over. At the other end of the second floor are the family bedrooms which can also be accessed by a second separate stair tower. We count three bedrooms, each with its own bathroom and walk in closet, a "learning center," and a two room guest apartment with a wet bar and a large bathroom. The listing for the property state the house includes 8 bedrooms and a whopping 8 full and 3 half bathrooms, so we can't be sure if the "learning center" remains in the final floor plan or if it was turned into another bedroom.

Listing information also reveals that the house is extremely well equipped to house someone who requires such unnecessary and dee-luxe amenities as five fireplaces, an elevator servicing all three floors, two laundry rooms, a bar, fitness center, wine tasting room (because only poor people taste wine in the kitchen don't you know), a 14 seat home theater and a private indoor basketball court in the basement.

The grounds include parking for 6 cars, a large swimming pool with a full service cabana, a "grand terrace" at the back of the house for summer time entertaining and 4.2 acres of manicured grounds. According to The Daily News Miz Blige and her huzband, whom she credits with helping her get her past drug issues under control, plans to make some additions/alterations that will allow her to squeeze her tour bus on to the property as well as beef up the security. And children, Your Mama should not need to tell you that the security at this estate will likely be extensive and state of the art, so don't get any crazy notions about driving out to Saddle River hoping to catch sight of Miz Blige as she glides in and out of her electronic drive gates because you can be assured you will be video taped looking like a damn fool with your digital camera stuck to your face.

The listing agent for the property denied any knowledge of the buyer's identity (natch), and Your Mama was unable to verify the sale through property and title records. However, local source told The Daily News that, "Everybody knows Mary J. Blige bought the house." Well, we got not reason to disbelieve anyone, but this is not Your Mama's first time at the celebrity real estate gossip fair, so we'll stick to being a wee bit skeptical until the all the paper work is filed with the local authorities, and you should too.

No offense to all you filthy rich Bergen County Bobs and Bettys, but Your Mama, who freely admits to not having $12,000,000 for any house, would rather amputate our own leg with a rusty nail than drive our big BMW home to gigantic mansion like this in suburban New Jersey. But that is of no matter because plenty of rich and famous folks aspire to and drop big bucks to acquire large and lavish houses in the upscale Saddle River area. Other residents in the area are said to include hip hop honcho Wyclef Jean, the curiously named rapper Ja Rule, professional basketballer Vince Carter, actor Danny Aiello, novelist Mary Higgins Clark, and rapper turned preacher Rev Run, whose Saddle River residence was is still being offered for sale at $5,500,000. And of course, who could forget the mind boggling 35,000 square foot House of Bling that (finally) dee-vorcing moguls Russell and Kimora Lee Simmons called home in happier times that remains for sale with an optimistic $23,888,000 asking price.

It appears from property records and a well connected source we call The Shaggy Dog that Your Mama keeps in our arsenal of tipsters that Miz Blige currently lives on Loman Court in a town Your Mama has never heard of and will probably never go called Cresskill, NJ. Records show that the 1.1 acre property was purchased in June of 2001 for $1,950,000. The Shaggy Dog tells us that Miz Blige is well known among her neighbors for having a large car carrier block the street when she and her entourage decamp en masse to her Los Angeles rental property. We also find addresses for Miss Blige for a modest house on Donald Drive in New Rochelle that we're told was purchased for Mama Blige. We also find an address for Miss Blige at the City Spire building on West 56th Street in Manhattan, but it appears that might be an address for the office of one of her people rather than a private residence for the always well turned out Miz Blige.

Anyhoo, this ladee has impressively pulled herself up by her Bronx born bootstraps and with raw talent, intense determination and sheer force of will has put herself in the enviable financial position to plunk down a huge amount of money for the house of her dreams. So while we may think the house is too big and too uglee, who are we to rain on Miz Blige's real estate dreams? That said, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter sincerely wish Miz Blige and her man all the best and no more drama in their new home.

Enrique Murciano Above Hollywood Boulevard

SELLER: Enrique Murciano
LOCATION: Hillside Avenue, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,795,000
SIZE: 2,123 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Stunning gated house with Hotel Bel Air vibe. Grand living room with gorgeous high-beamed ceiling. Marvelous master with romantic sitting room-sized balcony great for reading the morning paper. Wonderful eat-in kitchen. Outdoor balcony awesome for dining. Two additional guest bedrooms plus office. Two fabulous patios open to the swimmer's pool and grassy area. Incredibly charming.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: If Your Mama is being honest, and we always are, we didn't know who this Enrique Murciano person is until we looked up his resume on the Internet Movie Data Base. Turns our he's a scruffy faced and squinty eyed Cuban-American hottie who landed several small film roles (Speed 2, Traffic, Black Hawk Down) before securing a regular role on television drama Without a Trace where he's been acting off his cute keister and earning a good living since 2002.

A little further research on the internets and we learn that good looking Mister Murciano has a thing for cooking, cars, motorcycles and moe-dells, natch. Super moe-dells to be more precise. Since his long term love affair with Miss Molly Sims went kaput in 2007 it's rumored and whispered that the Latino lover has been hooking up with Victoria's Secret panty princess Angela Lindvall, who still manages to look dy-no-mite marching her mannequin down the runway in her underwear even after popping out two babies.

Anyhoo, Property records reveal that Mister Murciano purchased his modestly sized 2,123 square foot house just above Hollywood Boulevard back in March of 2004 for $1,425,000. Listing information tells us the house has 3 bedrooms an 2.5 bathrooms as well as an office space. Very tall hedges and a sliding electric gate stretch across the front for maximum privacy and maximum privacy is a good thing in our real estate book even if you don't have the paps on your tail.

Your Mama recognizes this house could use a bit of curb appeal assistance (the white garage door is a bit of an eyesore, isn't it?). But children, Your Mama freely confesses that we are smitten with this house. Do we like the strange pattern made with the pavers in the driveway? Absolutely not. How do we feel about some of the dark paint colors? Icky but easily changed. Would we leave the glass block, brass fixtures and rose pink counter tops in the master bathroom? Oh hell no! But given that Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter prefer a home that does not require a terlit scrubber be up an in our bizness 27 hours a day and we swoon over shaded and covered out door terraces perfect for escaping the blistering Southern California sun, it should be no surprise that we're thinking we should be calling our man at Smith Barney.

We love the large and long living room with it's classic California peaked ceiling and cozy fireplace surrounded by bookshelves (not pictured) and although we would not make the same choices in counter tops and cabinetry, we can deal with the smallish kitchen until such time as it's time to rip it out and start anew. The secondary bedrooms appear to be on the wee side, but who wants to encourage guests to stay longer than a few nights with large comfortable guest suites? No offense friends and family, but not Your Mama.

But it's really the back yard and the outdoor spaces that have Your Mama considering a call to our banker and hunting for our checkbook in the bottom of our beat up Louis Vuitton document carrier. Yes children, we know the yard is small, particularly for all you real estate size queens who feel hemmed in unless there's an acre of lawn out back. However, there's just enough grass for our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly to piddle in peace, a petit pool perfect for plunging on warm days and a soothing spa in which the Dr. Cooter can camp out with a nice bottle of wine after a long time setting people heads right.

And let's not forget the three covered patios that provide perfect and quiet spots to lounge around in the shade sipping gine and tonics, flipping through the gossip glossies and re-reading David Foster Wallace short stories.

Normally Your Mama does not get into discussing the hard working real estate agents who list and sell all these celebrity homes in the finer zip codes across the country, but Mister Murciano's gal deserves a shout out. Her name is Sharona Alperin and you might recognize her name because in her dewy youth a band called The Knack recorded a hit song called My Sharona that was written about her. Yes puppies, turns out Sharona was indeed a living, breathing and very young gurl. Your Mama can't help but to love that sort of sideways celebrity...she's not really famous, yet how many children can still sing the refrain from that song? My Sharona was the single on the very first album that our Sister Woman ever purchased with chore money and between the two of us we played the damn song on her portable record player until the grooves in the record were done worn away.

Anyhoo, we wish Mister Murciano well as he moves on to bigger and better digs. Now leave us alone so Your Mama can call our man at Smith Barney.