Do As I Say, Not As I Do!!!!

My courtyard with spring flowers going crazy.

 

A few weeks ago, I wrote about my landscaping, bragging really, about how pretty all my flowers were this spring - you can read my braggadocious column here.  I also wrote about how, when close to twenty years ago, we were looking for a lot to build our house on and we specifically chose this one because of a beautiful, huge, old  water oak that was growing smack in the middle of the front yard.  The tree's age and girth even affected the size of our house.  In drawing up the floor plans, we shaved approximately five feet off of our front living room - so as not to be forced to cut any of the tree's roots.   And then, we flipped our floor plan - putting the garage on the right as opposed to how it was originally drawn on the left, so that we could, of course, showcase the oak tree.  As I wrote last April, our tree has been fruitful:   one acorn from it produced a baby water oak at the edge of our yard.  To save Baby Water Oak, when pouring our concrete driveway, we narrowed it from two lanes to one, a solution that hasn't been very successful - a few visitors have lost their rear view mirrors negotiating the narrow drive and the ominous tree trunk.  

 

Baby Water Oak, grown from an acorn off the huge  oak tree on our yard.   It creates an obstacle course for visitors.  Healthy and growing, no stress for this water oak.

 

Another acorn from our prolific old tree  was taken by Mary, my mother in law, seventeen years ago, right about the time my daughter was born.  And grow - they both did.  Elisabeth's Tree, as it is known in the family, towers over Mary's yard, letting little sunlight filter in for grass to grow underneath it's branches.  As you can surmise, we cherish our tree and nurture it.  It's our responsibility.  We prune it and feed it and schedule an annual preventive care regimen given by the tree care man.    Yet, basically, we leave our tree alone to do what trees do:  to shade us, give haven to the squirrels and a nesting home for the birds.   People who visit often remark on the tree's beauty and we always agree, exclaiming our deep and profound appreciation for all that our beautiful water oak has added to our lives and our home. 

 

Better days:  last summer - lots of dark green leaves.

 

So, imagine, our horror at discovering that despite all our good intentions, we were killing our beloved tree.   When I posted the picture of it  last April, I wrote "it's just now getting it's leaves back after winter" - but in truth, the water oak never goes completely bald and by April, the tree should already have had all its new leaves, dark green and shiny.   A few days ago,  I really opened my eyes to the situation and realized, it's almost June, where are all the new leaves?  Why are these leaves so tiny and so light colored?   A rush of dread bubbled up as my mind raced  - something is seriously wrong here and I placed a frantic call to the tree care man who assured me he would come by the next morning to take a look.

 

Stressed out tree - reduced canopy with smaller leaves.

 

The next morning, Ted, the tree man, proclaimed that yes, the tree was definitely stressed out, so stressed out that the leaf canopy was not what is should be.    Most distressing of all was his news that we had caused it.   You see, last year we added outdoor lights to the house and did some basic upkeep landscaping.  Not much grass ever grew underneath the oak, so we decided to add a large flowerbed under the tree.   We had it professionally installed by a landscaper.  But the design perfectionist in me was never happy aesthetically with the flowerbed, and I had our yard man fix it up, move plants around, add more plants, add mulch, raise the bed, you know - just make it better.   But instead, the yard man, not having a degree in Landscape Design or Forestry  from Texas A&M raised the bed too high.  About a foot too high to be exact.  A tree needs its root collar to be exposed to breathe -  who knew?  Otherwise it suffocates and goes into stress and dies.  Hopefully, we may be able to save it at this point, "as long as mushrooms don't start growing on the trunk," the tree man said.   Huh????     Today a crew of those pesky illegal aliens showed up to take away all the gorgeous hydrangeas and ferns and begonias.  What they left me with was a huge circle of dirt in the middle of my yard, and little holes all over, deep in the ground for "aeration."  

 

 

The tree men starting their dirty work - I moved the ferns to the back yard. 

 

Eeek - what I'm left with, an empty flowerbed and lots of holes in the ground.

 

The tree man pulls back the remaining layer of earth around the root collar to show how thick and dense the compacted dirt had become, actually suffocating the tree.  You can  see a line around the base where the soil came up to - almost over a foot too high.

 

And so,  tonight, I'm left with  the barren bed and an almost bare tree.    It's all as ugly as can be, but hopefully, along with a regimen of medicine, our tree will start breathing again and will flourish.  Hopefully.  Otherwise, we're in the market for a either a new tree or a new home.   Learn from our mistake:   don't build up soil around the base of any tree.   The soil should be level or even below level around the root collar.    We were told we could plant ivy on the barren circle, as long as we don't add any soil.  We'll see.  We're going to give it time to just breathe.    Do we think just removing the dirt will cure the stress?   At this point, it's hard to believe - we're just going to have to wait it out.

 

If the tree does die, we're moving.  It will be too hard to live here without it.  We'll be in the market for a house like this, somewhere in the south of France.   It's best to always look on the bright side, I've been told.

Greg Finefrock Flipping Out In Malee-boo

SELLER: Greg Finefrock
LOCATION: Birdview Avenue, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $8,999,000
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms1
DESCRIPTION: ...Recently renovated designer estate–exceptional location overlooking white water views. Enter through custom gates & be blown away by vast coastline vistas, amazing sunsets & complete privacy w/ mature trees surrounding the property. 2 story home w/ expansive outdoor patios & custom interior spaces w/ sophisticated use of wood & stone. 3 bd 3 ba plus office w/ custom a/v system...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama knows the children feel a little neglected lately and our truly heart aches from your existential pain and celebrity real estate withdrawal. It really does. Especially because we recognize how y'all rip each other to shreds when we're not around in an uglee–but occasionally entertaining–display of wordsmithing warfare. Here's the thing puppies, despite appearances and contrary to popular opinion, Your Mama actually works for a living like ev-er-ee-bah-dee else and lately we've been swamped, bizzy and buried in the bizness that pays the big bills.

Besides, if we're being honest, and we always are, properties being sold and bought by bonified rich and famous folks have been on the slim lately which means that some days we feel like we're scraping the bottom of the barrel just to feed the children a celebrity real estate smidgen to satisfy their hungry souls. Be warned my little chickens that today we'll be scraping at the bottom of said barrel. Your Mama well realizes that the home we're discussing here is owned by a man that most the children have likely never heard of and perhaps don't even care to know anything about but you're just going to have to bear with us.

Okay then, let's get to discussing the Malee-boo property owned by Los Angeles restaurateur Greg Finefrock. The children may not give a rat's ass about who Mister Finefrock is or what he does that affords him a multi-million dollar crib hanging over the Pacific Ocean in Malee-boo, but because Your Mama relishes quietly rolling his Thackeray-esque and soo-blime surname over in our mind, we're going to discuss the freshly re-done residence he's flipping on Birdview Drive in the Point Dume area of Malee-boo.

Before we get to the dee-tales of the property, let's shamelessly plug Mister Finefrock's glitzy, glammy and hyper designed velvet rope dining and drinking establishments (Chapter 8 Steakhouse, P6 Restaurant and Lounge and Suki 7) which are located in the unlikely and somewhat sleepy suburban locales of Agoura Hills and Westlake Village. While Your Mama has no plans to ever (ever!) venture as far into the suburban hinterlands of Westlake Village in search of steak or Sushi, we think Mister Finefrock and his brother/bizness partner are smarter than fruit flies for bringing louche lounges and over-processed Las Vegas-style "restrauntainment" to all the well to do suburbanites sick and tired of schlepping into the Hollywood hot spots to see and be seen.

But we digress. Property records show that the San Fernando Valley born Mister Finefrock, only purchased this property in September of 2006. The records we accessed are a little vague, but if we were willing to hazard a guess that risks us looking like an ignorant ass, we'd say Mister Finefrock paid somewhere in the neighborhood of $6,400,000 for the 3 bedroom and 3 bathroom house on Birdview Avenue.

A little birdie who knows a little something about Malee-boo's bluff top Birdview Avenue told Your Mama that this is not the first time Mister Finefrock has attempted to unload this house. Only a year after purchasing the house and giving the interiors an overhaul, he dumped it back on the market with an asking price of $8,995,000. But alas, no takers for Mister Finefrock's fine house. After a little re-tooling of the day-core that included adding a truck load of ghastly green and white leather sofas that look dangerous to sit on if you're sweating or wearing satin, Mister Finefrock is once again listed the house for sale with a oddly increased asking price of $8,999,000. That time line and those numbers indicate to Your Mama that Mister Finefrock is flipping this house with the hope of pocketing a significant amount of money for the trouble of owning and renovating this house.

The house, which property records indicate is 1,696 square feet and which Your Mama thinks looks quite a bit larger, is located high on a bluff overlooking the Pacific. While we recognize that many filthy rich beach buyers would prefer to be able to stroll out the back door and put their tootsies right in the soft sand, Your Mama was recently chit chatting with a lucky gal who grew up on Malee-boo's Broad Beach and she told us that while it was great to live on the beach, every couple of years a wicked and wayward wave would flood the lower floor of the house. If you're rich it might only be a nuisance to have to fix the floors and hire a nice gay decorator to get you some new furniture, but given that kind of H2O drama that is too often a part of living right on the sand, we can see the benefits of being located high on a bluff.

The exterior of the house is a kind of wonky that borders on ass uglee and most of the day-core is over processed and looks too much like some sort of impossibly trendy boo-teek hotel or night club for Your Mama's particular taste. However, that does not mean that all is lost. The second floor balcony juts out towards the bluff and ocean like the prow of a ship and we imagine that's a sensational spot to get slowly and comfortably boozed up on a warm summer afternoon with a tall stack of gossip glossies.

The main living room space works for us with the high ceilings and gigantic windows looking out over the ocean. The wall of bookshelves gives the house a much needed intellectual fortitude and the modestly sized clean lined kitchen works well for us particularly since Your Mama is o-vah granite counter tops and this kitchen appears to have something else. We're even digging that big chunky work island because it looks all wrong in a way that makes it all right in our book of design desirables.

The back yard includes a large low profile wrap around deck that we appreciate although we might recommend that Mister Finefrock purchase a few market umbrellas so that guests who prefer not to get skin cancer have a shaded place to sit outdoors. We're a little unsure about that grid thing in the lawn. At first we though it might be a Philippe Starck-ish chess board folly with giant plastic rooks and queens, but upon closer examination and a look at a chess board, we realize it's not actually set up like a chess board at all. It looks interesting, but it's really got not use and as far as we're concerned the backyard would be better without it.

In the last few years the Point Dume area has become increasing expensive and has attracted celebs and Tinseltown types like hot bodied Matthew McConnaughey, arty cinematographer Lance Acord, bad boy rock star Kid Rock and of course apparel king turned producer Sidney Kimmel plunked down a reported $48,000,000 to purchase Johnny Carson's extensive cliff top estate in early 2007.

Now sit tight because Your Mama has to catch yet another airplane. This time back home to see our Dr. Cooter and the long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly who we expect will pee with glee at our return. And then of course there's our pussy Sugar who, quite frankly, could care less whether Your Mama lives or dies.

Introducing the Buddy Ebsen Museum

SELLER: Buddy Ebsen's wife and widow
LOCATION: Via Horquilla, Palos Verdes Estates, CA
PRICE: $3,240,000
SIZE: 4,398 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...This elegant home features a magnificent living room complete with Palladian windows to enjoy the panoramic views, high ceiling and fireplace. The adjacent formal dining room is perfect for entertaining. The large kitchen with adjoining breakfast room opens to a private patio. The stunning library fatures a coffered ceiling, fireplace and wonderful views. The dramatic entry staircase leads you upstiars to 2 large bedroom suites, each with its own bathroom. The fourth bedroom, located on the entry level is currently being used as an artist's retreat.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: About a week ago, before our computer drama and before we lost an entire day in transit to the left coast, a little birdie we'll call Sammy the Songbird whispered in Your Mama's big fat ear that the Palos Verdes Estates home owned by old skool actor Buddy Ebsen has been foisted on to the market by his third wife and widow Dorothy Knott (Mister Ebsen passed on to the big movie set in the sky in 2003). All the children who are older than dirt and/or appreciate classic films and television programs will recall that Mister Ebsen skillfully played Doc Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany's and that his best known acting gig was as the lovable oil rich ignoramus Jed Clampett on the soo-blime and still funny television series The Beverly Hillbillies. But, of course, who could ever forget Mister Ebsen in his last big role working his geriatric stuff as the milk obsessed gum shoe Barnaby Jones back in the 1970s? Certainly not Your Mama.

Being that we're unhealthily attracted to the prurient and out of the ordinary behaviors of others, what Your Mama finds most interesting about Mister Buddy Ebsen is that he fathered eight children. Eight! Including one born while he was in his seventies. Imagine that children. Your Mama can't imagine why anyone with more than 50 candles on their birthday cake would want a damn infant causing a ruckus while they sat down to watch the legendary Laurence Welk on the boob toob, but hunnies, we are none the less impressed with Mister Ebsen's pre-Viagra virility.

Anyhoo, we're here to talk about real estate, so let's get down to the bizness at hand. Property records show that Mister Ebsen purchased this 4,398 square foot house in December of 1985 for $950,000, and from the look of things, anyone who lives here better enjoy working those calf and boo-tox muscles because there are enough stairs and steep slopes on this property to give Your Mama's little heart an attack just thinking about trying to get from the street all the way up to the damn bedrooms. We can only hope that someone thought to install a damn elevator for the less physically fit.

Listing information indicates that there are three bedroom suites on the top floor and a fourth bedroom on the main level that is used as an "artist's retreat." This was probably the maid's room before people figured it was safer and more private to have the staff live out of the house.

While the view from the house looks long and spectacular, we are less than impressed with the interior day-core. We regret to inform The Widow Ebsen that there is precious little we'd keep in the house besides that crazy white grand piano in the living room which is so damn Liberace it's brilliant. For some unknown reason we're also digging the doors that enclose the book shelves in the library, so we'd prolly leave those too. Maybe. Sorry Buddy Ebsen luvin' people, as far as Your Mama is concerned, everything else can be tossed over the ornate balustrade and into a dumpster.

Although we're sure The Widow Ebsen loves her kitchen and we can appreciate the large work island and the nice view out the window over the sink, Your Mama thinks a serious gut job will be required and insisted upon by the new owner. Additionally, the little white chandelier is too tiny for the space and those balloon drapes are so damn dee-pressing they are making Your Mama's head hurt even more than last night's prodigious pitcher of gin and tonics. All the children please take note of Your Mama's interior day-core rule # 364: Balloon drapes are only appropriate for funeral homes and certain Park Avenue apartments inhabited by ladees old enough, rich enough and lacquer-haired enough to be called "doyennes."

Our last bone of contention with this property is the backyard...or rather the lack of one. Listen puppies, to each his or her own when it comes to backyards, but if Your Mama was spending three million or more clams to live down in Palos Verdes Estates (which, quite frankly, we would never do), we would certainly require a backyard big enough for a heated swimming pool, a shaded and private terrace for al fresco massages from the always scantily clad Sven the Swedish ma-sewer, and a small patch of green grass for our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly to frolic and sunbathe.

Palos Verdes has always been a bit of a residential mystery to Your Mama, but as it turns out, we're actually headed down to that neck of the Los Angeles woods tomorrow to have a look-see at the ocean view manse of a ladee ack-tress/moe-dell who is probably most famous for taking her clothes off in Playboy than anything else. Should be fun.

Your Mama read that Mister Ebsen once owned a 36 acre ranch somewhere up in the Santa Monica Mountains, but Your Mama didn't find any record of such a thing. Perhaps the fine folks at Movieland Directory can sort that out and let us know?

Now children, please allow Your Mama to have a wee morning nap as we've been up since the crack of dawn and we have to be on top of our game in a few hours when we meet a sharp and sassy gal pal for lunch at the commissary of some movie studio or other.