Real Estate Pornography: Tribeca Loft

SELLER: Anonymous
LOCATION: Hudson Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $7,995,000 (maintenance / $4,747 per month)
SIZE: 4,040 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Children, Your Mama is sick as a dawg today and we are not feeling our snappy, sassy self. We don't know if it's the flu that has us flat on our back, or if it's the tequila we drank last night at the Mexican restaurant. Or maybe it was the heavily frosted cupcake we capped the evening off with. Whatever the case we are pale of pallor, short on pithy remarks, and feeling like there is something very angry festering in our stomach.

None the less, today Your Mama is pleased to bring all the children a New York City property that has us drooling with envy and wishing we had some serious paper in our checking account.

A quick run through the property records and a simple Google search leads Your Mama to believe this spectacular apartment belongs to an Emmy winning television and film producer with impressive credits like The Wonder Years, 300, and The Santa Claus films, those enormously successful, but in our opinion, not very good Tim Allen vehicles. But as of this morning we have not been able to confirm this, we are going to keep the man's name under lock and key.

This sleek and sensual loft is located on Hudson Street in the very same Tribeca building that Harvey Keitel purchased a large, three unit penthouse in 2004 and never moved in to. Why you ask? Because upon further reflection, he decided that he and his then preggers wifey would rather live in a doorman building, something this building, expensive as it may be, does not have.

This apartment sits on a much lower floor in the building, but is also an amalgamation of three units. Clearly a top notch architect and designer was brought into transform the 4,000 square foot space into a posh New York City pied a terre. The well conceived floor plan cleverly provides open spaces and a very impressive 90' long sight line from the living area clear through to the office space.

A fully concealed media center was fitted in to the primary living space and includes state of the art systems, a 90" video screen, and electronic blackout shades so there is no need to stand one's big ass up to close the drapes.

The architect provided a stellar program which includes a central core of blackened steel which acts as a backbone and command center for services and utilities. Your Mama particularly appreciates how the kitchen remains open to the apartment and still manages to be tucked away and out sight when there are piles of dirty dishes in the sink. Of course, we do worry about all that stainless steel. It's gor-gee-us and moe-dearn, but it's also a huge finger print magnet. We imagine Mister Silver must have to pay someone a small fortune to work discreetly and quietly in the kitchen day and night to buff and polish all that stainless steel.

Another feature we appreciate and covet would be that long, long hallway along the South wall with closet after closet after closet of storage space. Very smart and very well done. And of course the huge and windowed dressing room is large enough for even the most extreme clothes horse. Mabye even Kimora Lee Simmons. Now that this queen of bling is getting dee-vorced and selling off her gargantuan and upsetting New Jersey mansion, maybe she would be interested in something like this?

Now, let's talk about the glass terrarium of a guest room. Your Mama adores the way this thing looks, and we so appreciate that someone actually let their architect perform such a folly of design. But would you want to stay in that fishbowl like your some animal on display at the zoo?

The listing and floor plan show a home gym set-up, and we are sure quite a few folks will appreciate this feature. But not Your Mama. Just imagine us in some horrifying spandex outfit trying to pump a stationary bicycle in a small windowless room. Lawhd children, a sight like that would surely scare the maid from ever coming back to vacuum those gorgeous rugs.

On the market since April of 2006, the impressive and tightly designed apartment is having a difficult time capturing a ready, willing, and able buyer's interest. First listed at $9,000,000, the apartment has been twice reduced to it's current asking price of $7,995,000. The disturbingly high maintenance may be a factor, particularly since there is no doorman here to accept packages and ensure the other tenants' naughty children aren't hanging around the lobby and riding the elevators up and down.

Even still, had we a spare $8,000,000 Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would at least consider moving from our own aerie. We get better light than this low floor apartment likely gets, but we don't have a sound proof living room or 24 windows on three sides.