A New Dog Patch for Dane Cook

BUYER: Dane Cook
LOCATION: Viewsite Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $7,078,412
SIZE: 4,405 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Extraordinary modern oasis by Alessandro Munge-Munge/Leung Design Associates. Incredible secluded site with staggering views of the entire city, and all the way to the ocean. Extremely high quality materials such as Travertine Navona floors, Rift oak cabinetry, and African Namibia marble counter tops and bathrooms. Resort-style outdoor entertainment areas look out to a large flat grassy lawn and spectacular views.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Controversial comedian Dane Cook doesn't seem to win friends or influence people very well. Not only do many of his cohorts in comedy regularly and publicly accuse him of pilfering bits and jokes, he recently pissed off his neighbors at the West Hollywood apartment complex where he'd been living by not picking up after his Min Pin pooch Beast.

Although Mister Cook and his pee-pole vehemently denied the allegations of failing to do his dog doody duty, the polemic poop dispute became such a brouhaha that Mister Cook's landlord actually took the jokemeister to court in order to have him evicted...and won. Your Mama honestly feels that it is an utter travesty of the American justice system for our tax dollars to be spent on such nidorous nit picking, but not picking up after one's dog is an inexcusable disgust. We don't particularly like picking up after our long bodied bitches when they cop a squat in the shoe section of Barney's either, but children, both Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter always have a pocket full of plastic bags handy because a person has got to do what needs to be done when it comes to doggy defecation.

Although it must be more than a little humiliating to be given a legal (and very public) smack down for not picking up his canine's crap, as far as Your Mama's real estate obsessed ass is concerned, it's really Mister Cook who's getting the last laugh because in case the children did not already know–and Your Mama certainly did not before conducting a search on the interweb–Dane Cook is rich. Very rich. So rich, in fact, that he's recently packed up all his apparently unused poop bags and high tailed it out of his rented West Hollywood apartment complex laughing like a maniac all the way to his new super-dooper celebrity style house in the Hollywood Hills.

According to half a dozen of Your Mama's well connected tipsters including the insanely knowledgeable Lucy Spillerguts and also confirmed with property records we see that in August of 2008 the $9,000,000 man purchased a freshly rehabbed 4,405 square foot house on Viewsite Drive for a whopping $7,078,412. Don't act shocked now children, we told you that 36 year old Mister Cook was rich.

Anyhoo, listing information provided to Your Mama by Hollywood Hills Howard reveals that Mister Cook's new nest includes 4 bedrooms, 3.5 dee-lishusly sexxxy bathrooms slathered in acres of African marble, a large living room, a dining room with a wall full of wine fridges, and a sleek gore-may kitchen with gleaming white counter tops and several stools perfectly placed for sipping early morning Bloody Mary's while telepathically willing the toaster to make toast by itself.

Your Mama suspects the house was staged for the selling process which means the furnishings have likely been hauled back to Staging Lady in a Pink Toyota's furniture warehouse in Culver City. We do hope that S.L.I.A.P.T. left that silver drum chandelier in the dining room because we rather like that. It is also Your Mama's deepest desire that Mister Cook already be in the process of hiring a nice gay (and professional) decorator to do up his new digs because these sorts of slick, spare and glassy spaces are next to impossible for an amateur to pull off with any warmth, sincerity or success. Buying a bunch of expensive mail ordered stuff from Conran might be a good start but it won't turn this house into a home. We recommend Mister Cook give Your Mama a ringy dingy right quick so we can provide him with a short list of very good people.

We also hope (and pray) that Mister Cook has already been on the horn with The Help Company who can help him secure a masochistically minded gurl (or guy) who will actually enjoy spending 40 or 50 hours a week washing the miles of windows and floor to ceiling glass featured in this house. Although it's really quite spectacular–and likely quite confusing for a bleary eyed boozy type–just thinking about the huge amount of glazing in the master bathroom sends shivers up and down our spine imagining what our hard working but seriously sassy house gurl Svetlana would say iffin Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter were ever to move into a house with this much glass. Ooo children, that gurl would roast us like a damn Peking Duck and start hyper ventilating about how she needs a Speedo wearing male assistant or she's going on strike. And you know what? She'd be justified.

The outside areas include several terraces and balconies including a wide covered patio overlooking the petite crescent shaped swimming pool, a spa and the carpet of lights beyond. This, children, is the kind of big view the can give even the most jaded Angeleno green jeans.

Fortunately for Mister Cook, the property occupies a raised and dee-voonly private promontory which will keep his fans from peeping in on him while he sunbathes in the nood as well as stymie any efforts by Dane Cook hating comedian Joe Rogan to toss rotten fruit through Mister Cook's windows. In fact, the street facade for this house presents a forbidding and nearly impenetrable concrete wall punctuated only by electronically operated garage doors offering space for three cars and a shiny entry door leading to an tunnel like stairway which rises up through a hole cut into the lawn next to the swimming pool deck. After ascending that glute grinder, residents and visitors must climb even more steps in order to reach the front door. While all this climbing firms the boo-tox and allows the property to have jet liner views of Los Angeles, let's just hope Mister Cook has a good number of physically healthy years ahead of him because this is most certainly not a house for the crippled, the wheezy or the wheelchair bound.

But perhaps most importantly, Mister Cook's new crib includes large lawn areas where he's free to let his four legged friend Beast crap til the cows come home and never pick it up.