Mark Walhberg Lists Not Very Funky Bev Hills Mansion

SELLER: Mark Wahlberg
LOCATION: Beverly Hills (Post Office), CA
PRICE: $15,900,000
SIZE: 8,932 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 10.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Celebrity enclave of Oak Pass. Stunning gated Mediterranean with unparalleled privacy, canyon views. New motor court, approx. 15,000 sq. ft. of covered space, including 2 stry guest hse w/ high ceilings, huge gym w/ box ring, huge state of the art theater w/ 35mm & digital proj. Basketball court, pool w/ grotto & water fall, putting grn. Large master wing...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We are little late to rodeo on this high-priced property it having already been much discussed by Hot Properties scribe Ann Brenoff at the beleaguered Los Angeles Times and then by the back in the saddle Mister Big Time. But we're weighing in anyway...

Mister Mark Wahlberg first busted out onto the fame stage back in the early 1990s when he would strip down to his tighty-whities and lewdly grab at his tallywacker while fronting for the band Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. He was naughty, overtly sexual and had the smooth and buff body of a gay porn star. People could not get enough of all that hot nasty. Then came along bisexual fashion icon Calvin Klein who paid the hairless and hard-bodied Marky Mark (Wahlberg) big bucks to strip down to his skivvies and pose for pictures while grabbing at his peen. The Calvin Klein underwear adverts were lurid and vulgar and all the teen gurls, lonely housewives and horny homosexuals went wild with desire.

Wanting to be more than a pretty face, hot body and a big basket, Mister Wahlberg quickly transitioned to acting where he killed it in 1995s The Basketball Diaries. He went on to plum parts in films such as Boogie Nights, The Perfect Storm, I ♥ Huckabees and Martin Scorsese's The Departed, for which he earned himself an Academy Award Nomination and solidified his place in the lexicon of Hollywood hot shots. He's currently the exec. producer of In Treatment and Entourage, the crazy successful boob-toob program which is said to be based loosely on his life in Tinseltown.

Anyhoo, as inneresting as a walk down Mister Wahlberg's y-fronted memory lane may be, let's get back to the real estate which is why we're here in the first place. Property records and recent reports reveal that Mister Wahlberg scooped up his Beverly Hills (Post Office) compound back in November of 2001 for $4,950,000.

The property has just hit the market with an asking price of $15,900,000. Certainly Mister Wahlberg has spent boo-coo bucks customizing his compound. None the less, a few flicks of the beads of our bejewled abacus shows that someone thinks the improvements have resulted in a titanic tripling of value in just seven years.

Listing information indicates the 1.41 acre Oak Pass Road estate has approximately 15,000 square feet under roof. According to prop records, listing information and previous reports, the property includes an 8,932 square foot Mediterranean style main house, a 2-story guest house with high ceilings, and and ass-uglee shed-like structure that measures around 2,500 square feet and houses Mister Wahlberg's home gym set-up and boxing ring. Yes children, a boxing ring. We are of the firm mindset that two grown men punching the daylights out of each other is an asinine sport so Your Mama can't imagine a more stoopid amenity to have at home than a damn boxing ring.

Also on the property, according to listing information and reports, is a basketball court, a putting green, a lagoon style swimming pool with an adjacent cabana, waterfall, waterslide and a spa located in a Playboy style hidden grotto. Given that Mister Wahlberg is reportedly a devout Catholic family man, we doubt this grotto sees any orgy action anymore.

The interior of the main house includes several living areas, a large kitchen with all the stainless steel appliances one might expect in a fifteen million dollar mansion, a media room with both 35mm and digital projection capabilities, and room with a pool table and a wet bar so that should Mister Wahlberg want, he can simulate being a bar fly without having the paps snap his photo of him slurring his words and slumped over a gin and tonic.

There are five bedrooms and an eye popping 10.5 bathrooms. We hope that Mister Wahlberg has a full time terlit gurl to work a brush through all of them poopers because his baby momma certainly has her hands full with the couple's three wee children. The master wing includes a bedroom with a enough seating to host the entire family for Christmas and a large bathroom with a hairstyling station that includes a shampoo bowl and one of those beauty shop chairs that can be raised and lowered by pumping a pedal. If anyone were to ask your Mama, and of course, no one did, we might have suggested putting up a wall between the hairstyling station and the rest of the bathroom. We do not, and we repeat, do not need our hair washer, lock snipper or mani-pedi gurl all up in the most private areas of our inner sanctum. For heaven's sake, this is the room you in which your floss your teeth, wash your privates and evacuate your bowels. Who wants to expose their hairdresser to all that privatude?

We don't normally go after listing agents, but we do have a bone to pick with this one. Would it have killed you too move that damn baby crib thing from the dining room before taking the photo?

As gets noted here and there and everywhere, wickedly windy and not all that well kept Oak Pass Road is littered with rich and famous types. Perhaps its wealthiest resident is billionaire biznessman Kirk Kerkorian who owns a lavish 30+acre estate which he had on the market in late 2006 and early 2007 for $18,000,000. Other big name inhabitants include super star celebrity agent Kevin Huvane and preggers pop star Ashley Simpson and Angelina Jolie's allegedly estranged Oscar winning daddy Jon Voight lives right up next door to Mister Wahlberg in a house prop records show he bought out of foreclosure in December of 1997. But perhaps the most glittering and glammy of the Oak Pass Road residents are actor/producer Aston Kutcher and his cougar queen Demi Moore who reside in a speck-tacular modern manse that was photographed for Architectural Digest in 2007.