The Beige and the Brown

SELLER: Miguel and Yulanda Núñez Jr.
LOCATION: Brewster Drive, Tarzana, CA
PRICE: $1,750,000
SIZE: 2,754 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Almost a full acre & gorgeous panoramic Valley and City light views from almost every room of this spacious home plus 1,000 sq. ft. guest house all on a very private gated site. The living room features high beamed ceilings, hdwd flrs & walls of windows opening to the expansive patio, sparkling pool, spa & huge yard–all overlooking the Valley floor. There are 3 bdrms., 3 baths, den/office & gym plus very spacious Family rm. & large detached GH w/ bath & kitchen.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Every now and then Your Mama peruses the listings in some of the less glittery zip codes of Los Angeles. More often than not, we hit celebrity real estate pay dirt as we did when we landed up on the long time Tarzana home of actor Miguel Núñez currently listed for sale with an asking price of $1,750,000.

Although Mister Núñez is hardly a household name, his long list of boob-toob credits include a recurring role on the quickly cancelled sit-com Joey and a number of episodes of Tarzan. His film roles have been in such cinematic gems as Kickin' It Old Skool, Return of the Living Dead and Juwanna Mann.

Property records show Mister Núñuz and his wifey Yulanda purchased their near 1-acre mini-estate on Brewster Drive in October of 1997 for $588,000. The two story ranch style main house sits at the top of a long and gated celebrity style driveway and measures 2,754 square feet and, according to records, includes 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms all dee-pressingly done up in about 49,000 shades of beige and brown. Listen children, Your Mama ain't got a problem with brown or beige and we are well aware that a monochromatic color scheme can be effectively thrilling. However, that is clearly not the case here.

Anyhoo, the formal living room features some shiny wood floors, a peaked and beamed ceiling and a fireplace that has been rather ridiculously placed in the corner of the room. The beamed ceiling continues into the dining room which has a slate tile floor and a wall of windows opening to a terrace. The kitchen appears large enough and offers a good amount of counter space. Plus, we appreciate the Viking range and what appears to be a Miele dishwasher, but holy goddam, what in the world is going on with the institutional beige paint and that poor cabinetry that's trying and failing to look like some tired ol' country kitchen? Pleeze.

The master bedroom, where all the Núñez magic happens, is filled with even more, ugh, brown things and...oh, forget it. Y'all get the idea...it's brown. It's all brown. What more is there to say besides it's brown?

Listing information indicates the 1-bedroom guest house, located about half way up the long driveway, measures 1,000 square feet and includes a kitchen and bathroom, hardwood floors and an air conditioner that's vented out the window in the kitchen. Now children, we know for a fact that temperatures in Tarzana can bake the paint right off a big bodied Benz and having the a/c is necessary. But surely, there is a better solution than this.

Your Mama hasn't any idea why Mister and Missus Núñez are selling their house or where they might be going. And frankly, we don't care because we do not need or want to know what property they'll next be punishing with all their beige and brown things.