Gwynnie Loves Her a Pink Pastel

Your Mama always thinks it's a hoot and a half to have a wee look-see at the always done, done, done day-core of any of the many residences owned or occupied by Oscar winning ack-tress Gwyneth Paltrow because, you know, beehawtcha really gets serious about letting it fly when it comes to working over the interiors of her inner sanctums.

In between thumbing through the latest issue of the The New Yorker and kicking some Chow Lee ass on our iPhone Scrabble application yesterday, Your Mama received an unexpected but delicious dispatch from Iphuhgeenie Ipakacker who thoughtfully aimed Your Mama's admittedly limited attentions towards a blog called The Happy Home. The Happy Home gal, through a process of deduction and cross referencing, managed to ferret out a small photographic cache of good ol' Gynnie's downtown New York City penthouse pied a terre.

Gynnie's homes always look undeniably pretty, well conceived and finished, if a bit unnecessarily theatrical at times. However, iffin Your Mama is being honest–and we always are–they often look to our beady, untrained little eyes more like the sort of picture perfect palaces where a gussied up gal like Gynnie might have her photos snapped for a glossy celebrity promoting publication then they do actual homes.

The rigorously restrained, romantic, and sophisticated if somewhat sterile interiors of Gynnie's downtown New York digs where all done up and did over in a heavily textured and muted palette of pinky pastels, gleaming whites, and shimmering silvers by the former film set designing duo Robin Standefer and Stephen Alesch whose New York City-based full service firm is, for some reason unknown to Your Mama, called Roman and Williams.

Gynnie and Chris's crib New York City aerie, located in the same building as the fabulously faux-humble and wickedly talented actress Meryl Streep, is hardly the only high profile project or home of a celebrity worked over by Roman and Williams. They are the design minds responsible for the renovation of the Royalton Hotel in New York, the quirky but faboo 211 Elizabeth Street residential building–also in New York–that's home to actor Gabriel Byrne (In Treatment) and budding singer Alexa Joel (Billy's daughter), the 4-floor Venice, CA home of Elisabeth "Lisa" Shue and her Oscar winning documentary film director husband Davis Guggenheim (An Inconvenient Truth), the sprawling Los Angeles compound owned by Ben Stiller and Christine Taylor, and boho-glam/hippy-chic west coast abode of actress Kate Hudson.

According to their website, Roman and Williams completed the "total strip down to stud and redesign" of a TriBeCa penthouse for "an actress, her musician husband, and their children" in the winter of 2008. The 4,479 square foot aerie, which the peripatetic Paltrow-Martins purchased in March of 2007 for $5,146,538 according to the peeps at Property Shark, has 3 bedrooms, 3.5 poopers, a slim terrace off the master bedroom and a slightly less slim terrace accessed through the living/dining room as well as the super-sleek, eat in kitchen with it enviably chunky marble counter tops.

Listen chickens, it's all a bit precious, fussy, and far too self-consciously feminine for Your Mama's particular and delicate decorative tastes, and we find some of the bits and pieces a bit hokey and recherche–like that silly porch swing-thing in the living room fashioned from an antique Indian door–but in the end Your Mama doesn't question the genuine decorative talents of the Roman and Williams folks whose abilities should not be judged only on the crisp and cleaned lined but somewhat belabored lady-like interiors of Gynnie's penthouse outpost in downtown Manhattan because, on the other hand, the day-core of both Ben Stiller and Lisa Shue's Los Angeles homes are spectacular.

Can any of the children see the very laid back seeming Mister Martin padding around in his dirty socks in this not particularly casual penthouse? We can't either.

photo: Roman and Williams via The Happy Home

Keys and Beatz Close on Kravitz Penthouse

Back in late January and early February of 2010 it was widely rumored and much reported in all the celebrity real estate gossip columns that preggers Grammy winning singer/songwriter Alicia Keys and her babydaddy/fiancée, the ridiculously named music producer Swizz Beatz, were in the process of purchasing the downtown New York City penthouse apartment that musician Lenny Kravitz had been trying to unload since the dawn of time. And buy Mister Kravitz real estate albatross they did.

The StreetEasy folks show the 5,818 square foot doo-plex digs were last listed at $14,995,000 and the peeps at Property Shark show that in late February of 2010 preggers Miss Keys and Mister Beatz negotiated a substantial price reduction paying $12,750,000 for their new downtown digs located in the same boo-teek condo building in SoHo where Courtney Love once lived and irritated at least one of her neighbors with her I'm a rock star so I can act like a damn fool antics.

If the children recall, Mister Kravitz first listed the 5 bedroom, 7 pooper, and multi-terraced spread way back in 2002 and over the years the asking price soared to as high as $19,500,000 and dipped to as low as $12,000,000. Mister Kravitz's glammy crib was taken off and put back on the market more times than Your Mama cares to count, underwent at least one million dollar renovation courtesy of Mister Kravitz's eponymous design firm, and was reportedly leased out to a couple of high profile individuals including Academy Award winning Aussie actress Nicole Kidman and Oscar winning actor Denzel Washington.

In the early naughts when the Crosby Street building was being converted to condos, it was both touted and mocked in the press as a kind of celebrity dormitory with dee-luxe amenities such as an aromatherapy system in the lobby 24-hour concierge, a "smart" recycling system that automatically separates paper from plastic, and private wine cellars in the basement. Nowadays instead of famous folks it's filled with a bunch of Wall Street and big bizness types such as credit default swap swami Greg Lippmann, former Bear Stearns banker Mark Van Lith, private equity pasha Nathan Kornfeld, new media mogul Dan Pelson, and porcine homosexual bon vivant and restaurateur Laurence Isaacson whose published, Benjamin Noriega-Ortiz designed basement maisonette has been on and off the market for more then 4 years and is currently listed at $7,000,000. (Don't be fooled by previous reports that call his unit a penthouse, it's located on the ground floor and basement levels no matter how many times large livin' Mister Isaacson calls it a penthouse.)

In mid-June 2010, having closed and perhaps moved into her new SoHo spread, it was revealed that Soon to Be Missus Beatz listed her long time mansion in the leafy and upscale Long Island enclave of Syosset, NY with an asking price of $3,850,000. Although some reports show Soon to Be Missus Beatz paid $3,950,000 for her 15-room residence situated on 2.02 gated acres, property records pYour Mama accessed show she bought the 9,000+ square foot suburban sprawler in December of 2005 for $2,933,380.

Listing information shows Soon to Be Missus Beatz's two-story, vaguely chateau-esque style manse encompasses more than 9,000 square feet and includes bedrooms and 6.5 poopers, an old-school gallery with black and white checked marble floors, a curving staircase, 3 fireplaces, a pine paneled family room with built in wet bar, eat in kitchen, office, full basement, attic, 2 large motor courts, and a 3 car garage. The fully landscaped grounds are ringed with mature evergreens and include large lawns, a vast 2,000 square foot terrace off the back of the house, and a 50-foot long swimming pool, spa, and adjacent pool house.

Hair Honcho Sally Herschberger Lists Penthouse Pad

SELLER: Sally Hershberger
LOCATION: New York City, NY
PRICE: $5,900,000
SIZE: 905 square feet, 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: If the children will get into their mental time machines and go back to the spring of 2007, y'all may recall when scissor sister Sally Hershberger, the hair stylist to the rich and famous who will charge you an astonishing $800 just to cut your damn hair, unsuccessfully attempted to unload her Beverly Hills, CA home. Miss Hershberger, a gal Your Mama thinks of as the She-ra of the Shag, listed her 3 bedroom and 5 pooper contemporary crib in the Trousdale Estates neighborhood with an asking price of $6,500,000. Five months later, the Hershberger house was taken off the market without a price reduction and without a buyer.

Skipping forward to late June of 2010 and we learn from our prolific informant Hot Chocolate that Miss Hershberger has now listed her itty-bitty New York City penthouse apartment with a porcine asking price of $5,900,000. It certainly isn't unusual for a terraced penthouse pad in the West Village to carry a price tag of nearly six million clams. What isn't so common is that the penthouse Miss Hershberger hopes will pour five or six million smackers into her bank accounts measures less than 1,000 square feet and includes just 1 bedroom and 1 pooper.

Miss Hershberger, who comes from a substantial Kansas oil fortune, owns three eponymous salons including her home base on Los Angeles' La Cienega Boulevard, which happens to be located in the same contemporary building as maximalist decorator and shelter rag darling Kelly Wearstler's office. In New York, Miss Hershberger camps out in a second floor salon in the sadly over-developed Meatpacking District–may Florent rest in peace–that's wedged between the Alexander McQueen–may he also rest in peace–and Stella McCartney boo-teeks. She recently opened a second Manhattan outpost on the top two floors of a spectacular townhouse on E. 71st Street that presumably caters to the uppity Junior League and Ladees Who Lunch sets.

Property records show Miss Hershberger bought her downtown digs in August of 2001, paying $1,850,000 for the 905 square foot aerie located in a much desired pre-war Bing and Bing building. Technically, Miss Hershberger's penthouse is in the West Village but it's so damn close to the Meatpacking District that it may as well be in the Meatpacking District.

The children may find it interesting to know that this penthouse is not the only apartment Miss Hershberger has owned in the building. In November of 1998, records show she purchased a 1 bedroom unit on the 9th floor for $425,000 and sold it in June of 2001 for $790,000 to Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton's former Press Secretary Nina Blackwell and her huzband Mark Solomons who in turn sold it in August of 2007 for $1,850,000 to the family of San Francisco-based billionaire Ray Dolby.

Miss Hershberger is a ladee of taste and style and her wee penthouse reflects that bent. The small apartment is blessed with a generous but not large entrance hall. Opposite the front door, in front of a frosted panel of floor to ceiling glass, sits a pedestal topped with a gigantic spiky white crystal, a form echoed with the Verner Panton wall mirror constructed of a myriad of different sized pyramids. Miss Hershberger's nice, gay decorator also introduces a dead animal skin motif in the entry that, like the crystal, plays itself out repeatedly throughout the petite penthouse.

The corner living room has large casement windows that suck up the panoramic views and a set of casement French doors that open the room to the expansive wrap around terrace. There are dee-voon walnut floors, a vintage Vernor Panton capiz shell chandelier, a very expensive Arne Jacobson Egg Chair that we'd bet our pinky toes is the real deal, a vintage leather Paul Frankl armchair that easily cost as much as a decent used car, a black and white spotted cow skin rug, and a pair of fluffy sheepskin pillows that could probably double as a pet in a pinch. Hanging on the wall behind a petite mid-century modern table and chairs is a large abstract canvas by Joseph La Piana with a series of red, yellow and orange geometric forms placed on a white background that Your Mama thinks successfully reflects the spiky nature of the crystal in the entrance and, more importantly, would look a-may-zing in Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's dining room.

The small but functional kitchen is open to the living room and is fitted with sleek, matte white and flat fronted cabinets, a baby 4-burner Viking range, 24" wide stainless steel Sub-Zero fridge and freezer, a large work island wrapped in steel and lit by a linear crystal chandelier–there's them crystals again–and a microwave that is, thank the lawd, mounted under the cabinets and off the counter top. There does not appear to be a dishwasher, which does not mean there isn't one, but sitting atop the work island is, we regret, a dreaded orchid plant. There really isn't anything wrong with an orchid plant per se, but they've become so cliche in real estate listing photos that it makes Your Mama cringe and cower with decorative annoyance every time we see one.

Miss Hershberger's corner bedroom has three casement windows that open out onto the terrace, a gitzy Ettore Sottsass tubular chandelier with a ring of turquoise accents at the top and bottom, another dead cow rug, a stool covered in zebra skin, a platform bed with linens the color of the the Dalai Lama's robes, and behind the bed a series of photographs of what appear to be spiritual leaders. The children will note the extensive collection of crystals on the bureau. Miss Hershberger appears to have a more than a touch of the New Age in her.

The wrap around terraces have both brick and narrow plank decking and rows of rectangular planters bulging with sea grass line and soften the perimeter. One section, where Miss Hershberger placed a couple of teak chaise lounges for sucking up the sun, has unobstructed views north towards the London Terrace apartment complex–where Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter once lived in a dee-vine doo-plex apartment–and the Empire State building. Another section, near the kitchen has a round table with four wire Saarinen Bertoia chairs with the seat pads. The chairs and pads cost well upwards of $600 apiece which means, according few flicks of the well worn beads of our bejeweled abacus, that Miss Hershberger's outdoor dining set cost her at least three grand.

Eagle eyed children will note that the actual apartment layout is somewhat altered from the floor plan included with listing and marketing materials. In the Hershberger penthouse, the kitchen has been opened up into the living/dining room and a kind of hallway from the foyer to the pooper has been created by eliminating the walk in closet that once opened into the bedroom. While it's never desirable to cut down on closet space in small Manhattan apartments, it's far more unacceptable to have guests wander through the bedroom in order to get to the pooper. It's unclear if the bedroom can be properly divided from the hallway but we'd be 12 kinds of flummoxed and flabbergasted if Miss Hershberger's smart architect did not include the option of closing off the bedroom from the hallway, otherwise it's a six million dollar studio apartment.

It does seem a rather optimistic to ask nearly six million bucks for a small 1 bedroom penthouse apartment but consider that in June of 2008 a smaller, 690 square foot doo-plex penthouse apartment with 1 bedroom, 2 poopers and 600 square feet of terraces sold for a blood curdling $5,250,000, an amount that according to StreetEasy comes in at a heart stopping $7,608 per square foot. With that as a barometer, at its current asking price of $5,900,000, Miss Hershberger's penthouse may be a bit of bargain for a deep pocketed buyer at just $6,519 per square foot.

In addition to her mid-century modern in Beverly Hills that she bought in January of 2004 for $2,400,000 and her pricey penthouse in New York, Miss Hershberger also own a weekend retreat in the Hamptons, natch. Property records show that in December of 1999 Miss Hershberger paid $930,000 for the waterfront retreat that's located in a less expensive area of East Hampton known as The Springs.

UPDATE: Madonna

Juicy details about the overhaul of pop superstar Madonna's new townhouse on the Upper East Side of Manhattan are starting to slip down the real estate gossip grapevine and into the tabloids. The children who haven't completely ruined their memories with the dope will recall that The Kabbalah Kween (heretofore known as K.K.) splashed out a bone chilling $32,500,000 for the hulking house on East 81st Street.

The first to let it rip with the nitty-gritty of K.K. re-do was the New York Post who reported that building permits filed with the city of New York show the cost of planned renovations at a costly but not unheard of $1,700,000, pocket change for the massively moneyed Madge.

Just what is the K.K. got planned for her new pad the butter beans want to know? To begin with, she's adding another floor to her already 5 story high, triple wide Georgian style townhouse that will add 1,614 square feet to the existing 12,233 square feet. A few flicks of the well worn beads on Your Mama's bejeweled abacus shows that K.K. will soon have a total of 13,847 square feet of living space, plus an approximately 3,000 square foot garden, elevator, a private, attached 2-car garage for pap thwarting entrances and exits, and a sitting room with wet bar for security personnel, hers and those of her guests. At least part of the basement will get a wine cellar and a playroom for K.K. cabal of kiddies.

K.K.s' plans reportedly entail converting the entire third floor over to her private quarters that will include a boo-dwar flanked by a huge, celebrity-sized walk-in closet and a prodigious and well-equipped pooper. Also on the third floor, according to plans, will be a hair salon, a separate closet for luggage storage (nice!), and a second master suite, presumably for whatever young man K.K. woos into her web. All told, according to the New York Post article, there will be 10 bedrooms and and unlucky 13 poopers, which means, thank heavens, that no amount of money K.K. could possibly offer will entice our intensely suspicious house gurl Svetlana to jump ship because ol' Sveta won't even look at a house with 13 of anything let along go inside and scrub terlits.

Your Mama has heard rumors that K.K. is having her current crib in New York, a multi-unit combination spread on the Upper West Side, quietly shopped around for an insane amount of money, but honestly buttons, Your Mama's sources on this one just aren't that reliable so we don't recommend any of y'all run around gossiping about that because the truth is Your Mama don't know nuthin' about a turnip from K.K.'s plans for her Art Deco-fied current digs.

The Bouwerie Lane Building Ballyhoo

Buckle your safety belts butter beans and grab a bit of sustenance because Your Mama plans on taking a somewhat circuitous route through this one.

Today, just like everybody else, Your Mama's going to jump on the Bouwerie Lane Theatre building real estate bandwagon that the New York Post's resident celebrity real estate gossip Jennifer Keil has been yakking about all week.

Before we dive into that bit of celebrity real estate bizness, let's get side tracked a for a few moments, shall we? Many moons ago, when the Dr. Cooter and Your Mama first began the discussions and negotiations about hitching our wagons and moving in together, we looked at and seriously considered leasing a 5th floor apartment in the Bouwerie Lane Theatre building on the corner of Bowery and Bond Street. At that time, while not exactly skid row anymore, the Bowery had yet to become The Bowery where well to do hipsters and glammy gals in $600 stilettos slum it in multi-million dollar condos. As we recall–and poodles, it's not easy for Your Mama to remember these things after all the water under the bridge and booze down the gullet in the intervening years–we considered leasing a half floor, corner unit with two vast, light filled rooms, a squalid kitchen and a pooper that would have taken our tough talking house gurl Svetlana the better part of a week to scrub clean. The asking price was $5,000 per month, a small fortune but, children, it's New York City. Can't stomach the insanely high prices? Don't. Live. There.

In the end, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter passed on loft living and opted for a far less bohemian 3 bedroom doo-plex in a West Chelsea doorman building where a fair number of famous folks also lived. At the time, the resident celebs included Nicole Kidman, Tim Gunn (who wears clogs!), Lorraine Bracco, Susan Sontag (until she passed on to the great feminist in the sky), fashion dee-ziner John Bartlett and his three legged dog Tiny Tim, Blondie's Debbie Harry, and the dee-voon ginger haired actress Katherine Helmond.

Anyhoo, getting back to the matter at hand, the landmarked, cast iron Bouwerie Lane Theatre building was bought for $15,000,000 in 2007 by well-known New York property developer Adam Gordon and renamed with the minimalist and unimaginative moniker 54 Bond. Like he has with several previous projects, Mister Gordon had the good sense to hire soo-blime (st)architect Steven Harris who performed a serious hocus pocus on the property converting what was once an iconic and beautiful but ratty building on the Bowery into an iconic and gleaming machine for modern living that manages to maintain much of the look, feel, panache, and patina of the historic structure.
The Bouwerie Lane...er 54 Bond building, according to marketing materials, has long been attractive to famous folks and former occupants include musical genious Eubie Blake, deep voiced singer Pearl Bailey, artists Lynda Benglis and Brice Marden, chesty siren Jane Russell, Oscar nominated actor Frank Langella (Frost/Nixon), and the wacky gap-toothed goddess Lauren Hutton.

The post-renovation condo conversion continues to attract the attention of a number of celebs who have kicked the tires of the sexy, triplex penthouse (above) that carries a hefty asking price $15,400,000. First there was debonair British actor Hugh Grant (the Bridget Jones series, Love Actually, Notting Hill), then came well formed Scottish actor Gerard Butler (RocknRolla, 300, Beowulf & Grendel, The Phantom of the Opera), who Your Mama regrets to inform is reported to be hooking it up and doing the dirty bizness–again–with SCRAM bracelet wearing tabloid train wreck Lindsay Lohan. Really Mister Gerard? Really? All that fame and fortune and you want to go there?

Anyhoo, today Miz Keil reveals that curly coiffured actress Sarah Jessica Parker, she-ra of the Sex and the City franchise and producer of Bravo's new reality program Work of Art: The Next Great Artist and her two time Tony winning Broadway baby huzband Matthew Broderick have together and separately toured the $15,400,000 penthouse no fewer than four times.

According to marketing materials, the posh penthouse pad that picayune Miss Parker has been circling measures 4,863 square feet on the inside and another 1,277 square feet outside. The penthouse has several dozen windows with restoration glass, reclaimed Belgian Oak chevron pattern wood flooring imported from France, lofty 10'4' ceilings, pocket doors, a fireplace in the living room, 2 full eat-in kitchens with hideously expensive La Cornue and Aga brand appliances, and two roof top terraces, one with an approximately $3,000 Fuego brand barbecue and a the other with custom built in Ipe planters and seating.

Amenities in the building, which contains 3 residential units plus two retail spaces and a basement–listed at $1,900,000–where someone could install a swimming pool, include video surveillance, key-card elevator access, high-speed wiring, a virtual doorman (whatever that is), and optional valet parking.

According to Miz Keil, pocket-sized Miss Parker is interested not only in the triplex penthouse but also the 2,274 square foot full floor unit on the fourth floor, currently priced at $4,950,000. Fortunately for Miss Parker, the fourth floor and the triplex penthouse are being offered by the developer for the somewhat discounted but still blood curdling price of $19,900,000, an expensive option petite Miz Parker and Mister Broderick are said to be interested. The combined quadruplex would measure an elephantine 7,137 square feet and depending on how it's configured include 5-7 bedrooms and, easily, 7 poopers including the two glammy terliting, bathing, and dressing facilities in the 6th floor master suite.

However, according to Miz Keil, toy poodle sized Miz Parker and Mister Broderick are only interested in that particular option if the fourth floor (below) is provided to them by the developer free of charge, like some sort of real estate bonus for coughing up fifteen and some million for the triplex penthouse. Your Mama has no idea if that particular real estate rumor has any veracity, but iffin it do, it probably goes without saying that Miss Parker clearly has some bad-ass real estate cajones.
Some developers would surely jump at the chance to unload two high priced condo units at one time, particularly in a lackluster market but Your Mama sort of doubts Mister Gordon will grab at Miss Parker's (alleged) offer. Let's just call it a hunch. Miz Parker must also think Mister Gordon is having none of her free 4th floor bizness because the actress was seen last week touring a West 12th Street townhouse last on the sales market in 2008 with an asking price of $24,900,000 and on the rental market in early 2010 with a $42,000 per month price tag.

One has to wonder why Miss Parker and Mister Broderick even need a new house considering they already own a lovely Greenwich Village townhouse where they've lived since the dawn of time.

As a digression of little import or value, back when Your Mama first moved to New York City, all wide-eyed and dewy skinned, we developed a bit of a fascination with the S.J.P. The first year Your Mama lived in New York we shared a teeny-tiny triplex penthouse apartment on far West 49th Street with a beautiful and mercurial lunatic we knew from our university days. In an effort to steer clear of the whirling dervish that was our roommate, we spent a lot of time out and about and, hand to God, it seemed like everywhere we went we ran into Miss Sarah Jessica Parker. There she was at Bar Pitti having a bite and there she is sitting next to Your Mama at Shakespeare in the Park. There we are nearly spilling our gin & tonic on her at a film premiere party at some photo studio in the Meatpacking District and there she is stepping into a cab on Lower Fifth Avenue. And there she is again at Barney's, unsuccessfully attempting to look discreet in a floppy hat and woman with a past sunglasses. We were–in our boozy haze–convinced we were destined to befriend the pint sized Miss Parker. But alas, it never happened and we're quite certain that Miss Parker, who was quite cordial when we apologized for bumping into her, never even gave Your Mama a second glance let alone recognized that we were seeing each other around town on a regular basis.

After that first year or so, as quickly as she entered our orbit–or we hers–Your Mama never again laid our real eyes on the pee-wee Miss Parker. However, it seems somehow fitting, a full real estate circle sort of thing, natch, that Miss Parker is now flirting with living up in the very same building that Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter once considered living. Okay, it's a stretch, but it's early and Your Mama is off the booze this week, so hush up.

Mish Mash Monday

Let's begin the week with a few mish mash items cluttering up our desk top and taking up too much space in Your Mama's pea brain, shall we?

It's baaaa-uuuck. Oh, low-urhd, heaven help us all, it's bubbled back up to torture all us real estate watchers. That's right chickens, televisions freakiest and funniest house flipper Jeff Lewis is back at the real estate rodeo and has once again listed his white elephant in Los Angeles, CA with an asking price of $2,495,000.

Eagle eyed children and those who haven't completely wrecked their minds on the booze and dope may recall that the prickly and persnickety Miss Lewis last had his meticulously maintained residence in the Los Feliz area on the market in September of 2009 with an asking price of $2,295,000. It doesn't take any flip, flip, flipping of the well worn beads of our bejeweled abacus to see that's two hundred thousand clams less than its current price tag. Someone must be of the mindset that the market is on an upswing...

Let's quickly recap, shall we? Property records reveal that the large lipped and fastidious Mister Lewis snapped up the 3,024 square foot fixer upper in March of 2007 for $1,710,000. The hillside house, a 1960s post and beam number located at the tail end of a gated and quiet cul-de-sac in the star studded Oaks neighborhood, was given a full face lift and a new set of choppers. The arduous renovation was featured on Mister Lewis' boo-toob reality program Flipping Out. In April of 2008, the newly rehabbed 4 bedroom and 4 pooper property was flipped back on the market with a bloated and entirely unrealistic price tag of $3,195,000. By August of 2008, the asking price had been sliced and diced down to $2,595,000. By this point, at least one deal had failed to come to fruition. From August of 2008 to April of 2009 the pristine property was listed and delisted at least three times and from May to September of 2009 there were no fewer than 4 price chops before it was removed from the market.

Mister Lewis is, apparently, ready to pack his bags and load his sassy house woman Zoila up into his Mercedes SUV and head off to greener, or at least newer, real estate pastures. Your Mama expects that the all the dormant house flippers in Los Angeles will be eagerly and anxiously awaiting Mister Lewis' success or failure with regards to unloading his house.

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West coast based Funnyman Will Ferrell finally closed on his Manhattan loft-condo, paying $4,200,000 for a 2,699 square foot crib with 2-3 bedrooms and 2 poopers on West 13th Street in the far West Village. The property was never on the open market according to the folks at Curbed, but public records show the seller, hedge hog Joseph Lanasa the third, paid $4,400,000 for the condo in 2006.

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In other New York City celebrity real estate news, former first lady and (alleged) closet cigarette smoker Laura Bush and her Yale educated daughter Barbara were spotting house hunting in the West Village where the younger Miss Bush currently occupies a rental apartment. According to the Curbed kids, Miss and Missus Bush were eyeballed at 2 Jane Street where the only apartment currently on the open market is a 6th floor walk-up with 700 square feet, 1 bedroom, 1 pooper, a sprawling 1,500 square foot roof terrace, and an asking price of $975,000.

While it's not strange that young Miss Bush might be ready to settle down into a pre-marriage nest, Your Mama does find it odd and even a wee bit suspicious that a pampered princess like Miss Bush–or rather Mommy and Daddy Bush–would consider coughing up nearly a million dollars for digs that require schlepping 6 flights of stairs every damn day but, than again, what do we know about anything?

According to two of Your Mama's informants, Miss Bush currently resides in a 1 bedroom apartment at the back of a very lovely townhouse just off lower Fifth Avenue in a building recently sold by Luke Janklow, the tall and sexy literary agent who brokered a million dollar book deal for Anderson Cooper and who also recently sold the West Village townhouse he owed and occupied with his former wife Julie.

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We will probably be smote down dead by the angry hands of the celebrity real estate gods for discussing this matter and believe Your Mama when we tell the children that we are deeply troubled that we can't keep ourselves away from this bit of "celebrity" real estate bizness, but here we go anyway. Brace yourselves buckaroos because Your Mama is all kinds of bent out of shape about this and we're feeling particularly sharp tongued.

Reality tee-vee "star" and plastic surgery addict Heidi Montag wants the world to know that she and her huzband–the ludicrously and stoopidly volatile buffoon Spencer Pratt–are getting a dee-vorce and that she's done moved herself and her many plastic body parts out of their unkempt crib in Pacific Palisades and into a fancy, new house in Malee-boo.

According to all the too many reports on the matter, Miss Montag and her quadruple double D's have leased a 5 bedroom and 6 pooper contemporary on the land side of the Pacific Coast Highway near Point Dume. Listing information for Heidi's new house shows the recently renovated residence sits on 1.17 landscaped acres, measures 6,636 square feet and, among other luxuries, includes a master suite with vaulted ceilings, double-sided fireplace, dangerous looking sunken soaking tub, a television in the shower–which is stoopid–two walk-in closets, a wet bar and a wall of windows that open to the back yard where a long lap pool runs alongside the hous and overlooks the lovely and lush grounds..

Property records show Heidi's new (rented) house was purchased by it's current, non-celebrity owner(s) in May of 2009 for $4,750,000. The house was flipped back on the market less than six months later and, as best as Your Mama can surmise, was last offered for sale at $5,500,000 and for lease with an asking price of $19,000 per month. It bedevils, betwixts and baffles Your Mama that a seemingly talent-free gal like Miss Montag can parlay her faux fame into a fortune that allows her the financial wherewithal to alter her body and face beyond recognition and to have enough cheddar left over to live up in a multi-million dollar dwelling in Malee-boo. Life ain't fair is it poodles? Listen, Your Mama don't begrudge a person their fame or wealth. We just prefer they to actually do something besides pout, whine and have plastic surgery to get it. But we digress to the point of needing a damn nerve pill.

According to some reports, Miss Montag and her behemoth bazooms plan to live and film a reality program in the house with a couple of other vacuous windbags who, like their friend Heidi, probably don't have much more to offer than large breasts and an embarrassing ambition to be famous. Word to the wise dollies, fame is fleeting and Your Mama recommends you squirrel a few pennies away each month because 5 years from now it's quite possible you'll be living up in some tawdry apartment complex in Pacoima–or maybe Van Nuys, if you're lucky–desperately trying to sell semi-nude photos of yourself over the interweb. Uucchh. Gawd. Pleeze. As far as Your Mama is concerned–and we're utterly ashamed to be concerned at all–the Montag/Pratt dee-vorce drama is just an ugly and (barely disguised) ploy to procure free publicity to promote her new reality tee-vee program, because, you know, that's how Heidi and Spencer roll. Anything for fame. Eh-nee-thing. Your Mama may have stooped so damn low as to write about the real estate "news" of these two, but we can assure the children, there isn't a torture invented that could get us to sit through even 2 minutes of whatever insipid reality program that will come slithering out of this house in Malee-boo.