Katie Price Has Come to America

RENTERS: Katie Price and Peter André
LOCATION: Calicut Road, Malibu, CA
PRICE: (reportedly) $100,000 per month
SIZE: 14,000 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Enjoy the summer at Villa Cascata with a spectacular pool area, horse facilities, trails, lawns, formal gardens, koi pond and a large guest house for your out of town visitors. This newly completed masterpiece features interiors by noted designer Audrey Ruth and is sited to command views from Pt. Mugu to downtown Los Angeles...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Although it sounds like twig thin Vicki Beckham and her sexy soccer playing sidekick David might like to move back to Europe and Los Angeles is soon to lose British singing sensation Robbie Williams, the City of Angels is gaining another British super star in the form of behemoth breasted British glamazon Katie/Jordan Price and her singer huzband Peter André who famously met on the British reality series I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here! The spot light loving couple, quite naturally, have continued to exploit their private lives on reality program after reality program after reality program.

To be fair, Mister André has released a few singles since then and the impressively entrepreneurial Miss Price has also penned three top selling autobiographies (three!), four top selling (and ghostwritten) novels as well as a series of children's books. Additionally she's lined her Birkin bag by licensing her name and image to a whole bunch of products including (but not limited to) lingerie, jewelry, hair care products, a chain of grocery stores and a line of horse care products. And let's not forget the fragrances that bear her name either. So, you know, like it or not, this beehawtcha is all kinds of bizzy with money making endeavors.

Anyhoo, according to the gossip juggernaut TMZ and confirmed by a well connected source we call Mirakle Mike, the frighteningly famous and ridiculously rich couple–who have long been rumored to be looking for temporary digs in Los Angeles–have finally landed in the hills above Malee-boo where they've leased a Mediterranean style pile which listing information calls Villa Cascata, a name which translates roughly to House of Waterfall. It does not appear to Your Mama that there is a waterfall on the property.

In addition to the $100,000 per month asking price, listing information also indicates the newly built manse measures in at a sprawling 14,000 square feet with 7 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms plus a detached guest house with separate entrance. In addition to all the expected rooms (an impress the guests style entrance hall, living, dining, den, library, gore-may kitchen and family room) other interior amenities include an art studio, wine cellar, sauna and a home gym set up.

The grounds include two large gated motor courts, arched colonnades, Tuscan style formal gardens, a large trellis covered patio adjacent to the swimming pool and spa, equestrian facilities, commanding views from Point Mugu all the way to downtown L.A. and a stunning semi-circular viewing terrace perfect for some early morning yoga or downing a few gin and tonics at sunset.

Now listen here now, iffin any of you horny children think it would cute to hop in your hoopdies and head out to Malee-boo to try and cop a peep of Miss Price and her mammoth mammaries sunbathing in the nood, Your Mama suggests you just stay home. Not only is it silly and strange to be driving up on celebrity homes, the property is located at the tail end of a private and gated road which means y'all will be left looking like a damn fool sitting in your car on the side of a secluded road out in Malee-boo waiting for Miss Tits to come sliding out of the gates in a car with windows so dark you cain't see through them. How fun.

Now then, even though neither Your Mama nor the Dr. Cooter would know Miss Price or Mister André if they walked right into our living room and introduced themselves, we welcome them to the good ol' U.S. of A where blood, sweat, tears and talent isn't the only way to fame and fortune but can also be had with glittering teeth, fake boobies and a creatively entrepreneurial spirit.

Producer Dylan Sellers Selling in Pacific Palisades

SELLER: Dylan Sellers
LOCATION: N. Chautauqua, Pacific Palisades, CA
PRICE: $2,995,000
SIZE: 3,990 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Wonderful combination of privacy and open views. Excellent entertaining flow inside and out. Spacious five bedroom (3 up, 2 down), 4.5 California Mediterranean set on N. Chautauqua rim. Formal living room with soaring ceiling and large picture window. Dining area off charming family room and chef's kitchen with center island and beautiful tile work. Private backyard has tiled patio, grassy area, pool/spa and views.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Movie producer Dylan Sellers and his lady-wife Wendie have listed their Pacific Palisades property with an asking price of $2,995,000. Now listen children, we recognize those of you not in the bizness of show are unlikely to know who Mister Sellers is or what his cinematic accomplishments are. So simmer down for 30 seconds and let Your Mama school you.

Mister Sellers has produced a number of high profile films including the Agent Cody Banks movies that starred Frankie Munoz and Hilary Duff (before she got her new teeth), as well as the Cinderella Story films, one of which also starred that Hilary Duff gurl. According to his resume on the IMDB, Mister Sellers also has a hefty handful of films in the hopper including the much publicized Footloose remake for which the producers nabbed High School Musical hottie Zac Efron (who Your Mama recommends bust out of the singing and dancing genre right quick).

Property records show Mister and Missus Sellers picked up their N. Chautauqua "California Mediterranean" style residence in January of 2005 for $2,550,000 and listing information shows the house measures 3,990 square feet with 5 bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms.

It's unclear to Your Mama if the square footage shown in listing information includes the garage which appears to have been converted to some sort of interior space that can, unfortunately, be accessed only through the laundry room. While it would make a fine and private space for our autocratic and vehemently secretive house gurl Svetlana, both Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would prefer to rent Svetlana her own studio apartment nearby and have the space be returned to its original use as a front facing two car garage where we could keep our big BMWs dust free.

A somewhat cramped hallway like entrance and stair hall opens to a step down living room with a high beamed ceiling, wood floors, a wood burning fireplace and a giant window facing the street. At the rear of the house, a large open plan and wood floored space contains a disturbingly peachy colored dining room (which also sports a chandelier that's hung way, way, way too high), an island kitchen that looks like it's trying way too hard to be a country kitchen in Connecticut (note the campy rooster rug), and a family room with a flat screen boob-toob mounted over a second fireplace, a wall of French doors opening to the rear dining terrace and several competing and not particularly complimentary upholstery and rug patterns.

Two of the five bedrooms are located on the first floor behind the family room. Each has its own private pooper would make excellent rooms for mouthy and rebellious teenagers. Upstairs, two additional bedrooms share a Jack and Jill style bathroom and each has a set of French doors leading out to large tiled terraces. The master suite includes a third fireplace flanked by French doors that open to a tiled terrace overlooking the backyard and the canyon beyond, one large walk in closet, another long row of closets, a somewhat dated bathroom with a separate spa tub and shower with rather upsetting brass accents and an enclosed cubicle with both a terlit and a bidet. All the children know how Your Mama lurvs us a bidet.

While Your Mama is completely non-plussed by the Mister and Missus Sellers' lack of decorative prowess, we do rather appreciate the mostly drought tolerant landscaping that surrounds the property. The front facade is well screened by some giant agave plants and a couple of Olive trees on either side of the front door. In the back yard, more Olive trees shield the interiors from the scorching southern California sunshine and the free form swimming pool and spa have been sunk right into the lawn at the edge of the bluff overlooking the canyon.

Although the lawn looks lovely, Your Mama would consider replacing it with the sort of crushed granite material like that found in Parisian parks which would further reduce the amount of water necessary to keep the yard looking sharp in character with the character of the house. Your Mama has no doubt that a fine and fussy landscaping expert like L.A. based garden guru Jay Griffith could perfectly work out the details of that sort of conversion to hardscaping.

We don't have any idea where Mister and Missus Sellers will be moving. However, given all the Misters upcoming producing credits, we'd be our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly it's to a more impressive, "I've made it in Hollywood" sort of property.

Your Mama Hears...

...from the ever intrepid and always wickedly well informed Lucy Spillerguts that former teen queen turned tabloid train wreck Lindsay Lohan has moved out of the not particularly private house she shared with her painfully thin and sorta sickly looking gal pal, DJ Samantha Ronson.

Although heaps and hordes of rumors and reports have circulated lately that the lesbian lovers have been fussing and fighting in public places and are possibly headed towards a high drama bust up, young Miss Lohan recently took to her MySpace page and vehemently declared that she and Miss Ronson are not broken up. And maybe they're not. However, according to Ms. Spillerguts, who nearly never has inaccurate information, Little Lindsay Lohan recently leased a 3 bedroom and 2.5 bathroom Spanish style house on El Contento Drive for nearly ten grand per month.

The property, completely screened by very tall hedges, should provide the poor pap magnet with all the privacy she wants and requires. Other amenities include a secret garden off the master suite and a free standing cabana where she can quietly sit and think about how to get her once promising career back on track.

What it does not offer is any real distance between her and her DJ girly friend as the house is just a short distance from Miss Ronson's rental on Beachwood Canyon Drive, a proximity that pretty much guarantees the two frequently feuding lovebirds will run into each other in the aisles of the Beachwood Market where they shop for food that it doesn't look to Your Mama like they eat.