The House Moesha Bought

SELLER: Ralph and Melba Farquhar
LOCATION: Zorada Drive, Los Angeles CA
PRICE: $5,900,000
SIZE: 3,221 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Magnificent modern with panoramic view. Soaring ceilings, stone floors, and walls of glass open to sparkling pool, spa, lawn and patio with fire it, built-in BBQ all overlooking the canyon and city. Gourmet kitchen with limestone counters and top appliances, family/media room and maids. Upstairs are four en suites, gym and stunning office. Fantastic, ultra-hip master with private deck. Long gated drive, paddle tennis court, guest house, sauna, steam room, five fireplaces. Gorgeous. Flawless

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: We received a nice comment from a Mister Kasser clarifying that the car in the driveway is in fact a XLR or some such thing and NOT a CTS. Well, we appreciate the setting straight. But we still think that's a bogus car to drive and Cadillac should stick to making cars that are more than 20 feet long and seat 8 and 10 people. Just Your Mama's opinion.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: No babies, this is not the home of Brandy, so if that's what you're looking for, we're sorry to disapernt you. We just thought that was a catchy headline. Anyhoo...

The first thing Your Mama noticed when we came across this property was that gold colored Cadillac CTS in the driveway. Your Mama just hates those cars. We think if you're going to drive a Cadillac, go get yourself a damn Fleetwood like the Dr. Cooter's mama used to drive with it's white leather interior and a gleaming white landeau top. Or maybe an old boxy Seville from the 1980s. Now that was a Cadillac worth driving.

Turns out the car belongs to Ralph and Melba Farquhar, all due respect. You may not recognize those names if you're not in the television bizness. Mr. Farquhar has written and produced such money makers as Married With Children, Moesha, and The Parkers. Your Mama thinks that Parkers show isn't worth the tape it's laid down on, but we love us some Mo'Nique. We're waiting for her to bring back her show F.A.T. Chance where she had all this large ladies parading around in negligees vying for the Miss F.A.T crown. Mystifying, touching, and upsetting all at the same time. That was some excellent T.V.

Interestingly Mr. Farquhar got his start writing for Happy Days, a stint which he says "forced him to become a black man in a world of white industry people." Hunnies, just to clarify, that quote is not from the man himself, but this article.

Miss Melba Farquhar has made a name for herself recently as an interior designer with clients like Nicole Ari Parker and Academy Award winner Forest Whitaker. Her work and talent is clearly seen up in the couple's mod-rin Hollywood Hills mansion.

The second thing Your Mama noticed about this house is that property records show the house at just over 3,000 square feet. But we suspect the records have not been updated recently because this house is surely closer to 5,000 square feet.

The house, accessed up a long drive and tucked behind other houses, sits up on the side of a hill at the top of Nichols Canyon and on the back side of Mount Olympus. Surrounded by a mountain side of scrub lands, the house offers serious privacy. Which of course, Your Mama loves. But, all that scrub land can be a little dangerous if you have cats and small dogs that can be snatched in the night by the wild critters that surely roam the hillside. So buyer beware on that.

Your Mama finds the front of the house bland and even unattractive. But once we get inside, Your Mama is very pleasantly surprised at the elegant dramatics of the layout. Some of the rooms are a wee bit small, but that is made up for by the tremendous floor to ceiling windows that allow long and wide views. And we're feeling all those dark walnut floors for sure.

We could do without the industrial style island in the kitchen which looks a little over-processed, but it's nice that the architect included a big picture window in the there so the maid can look at something nice while she's scrubbing the pots and pans.

The twisty staircase, perfect for a grand entrance by a supreme Hollywood diva like Jesse Metcalfe, brings us to the second level where bedrooms and en suite bathrooms abound. Your Mama does not usually care to soak in a big ol' bathtub. Tubs just make us feel like we're sitting in our own filth. We prefer a scalding hot shower where the dirt runs off our ample body and straight down the drain. However, that big, sexy, frameless curve of glass behind the tub in the master bedroom just might make us reconsider our bathtub ban.

Children, it's the backyard here that really has Your Mama feeling good about this house. Normally we don't appreciate swimming pools with swooping and odd shapes, but this one has us wishing we lived on Zorada Drive. Imagine taking a midnight skinny dip here?

And ev-er-ee one who has ever read anything Your Mama has written knows we are down with outdoor fireplaces and fire pits. The Farquhar fire pit is an perfect example of how to do it correct. We imagine our self laid out on that banquette, the Dr. Cooter rubbing our tired tootsies and our bitches Linda and Beverly curled up next to use.

One thing we are concerned about is the eight terlits. That's right, as usual we are worried about the physical health of the staff. The maid is surely going be suffering from bursitis after scrubbing all them things for a few months. If you buy this house, Your Mama asks that you have enough disposable income to get your maid an assistant to work the terlits.

Slade's Orange County Mess

SELLER: Slade Smiley
LOCATION: 14 Meadow Wood Drive, Coto De Caza, CA
PRICE: $1,725,000
SIZE: 4,800 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Spectacular elegant customized hoome with high ceiling, large rooms, travertine floors, custom light fixtures, new double ovens, microwaves, 4 dishwasher drawers, Cooks delight kitchen, with exotic granite Island, cozy breakfast nook, Large over sized family room, Large bedrooms and romantic master, circular driveway and premier cul de sac location make this a must see home. Recently remodeled and ready for your choice in new carpet.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Oh lawhd hunnies, when we first saw this posted on the excellent Curbed LA website we just about lost our minds. Every Tuesday Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter sit down to watch The Housewives of Orange County and every week we are left breathless at the confusing and upsetting lives of the citizens of Coto De Caza. Many a scene of this train wreck of a reality show were filmed in this house which of course was the home base for hunky and scruffy Slade and his dimwitted girlfriend Jo.

Before anyone gets up on a high horse and tries to tell Your Mama we're just jealous we don't have a big multi-million dollar McMansion in a gated community and a money tree in the backyard, let us tell you we would sooner slit our own throat than live down behind the Orange Curtain. We have been to the slums of Johannesburg babies, and believe Your Mama when we tell you, Soweto is a better place to live. Surely if the devil walks the face of the earth, he would choose to live down in Coto De Caza with all those crazy bitches with fake titties, fake tans, and fake teeth. Fake. Fake. FAKE. And the snotty children...don't even get Your Mama started on those ungrateful little brats who imagine they have enough money they don't need to be educated. Please.

If you missed the season finale, you might be wondering why the good looking but half-witted Slade would be selling his suburban house of horrors. Here's a recap. Jo, the "girlfriend," who shamefully and disturbingly acts and talks like a seven year old girl most of time, up and left Slade for a life of late nights and public vomiting in Hollywood. She was not ready to be a semi-retired housewife restricted to the confines of backyard barbecues and soccer mommies gossiping about plastic surgery victims. We can't really blame her for that, Your Mama would surely stroke out in that environment too. And, this is the best part, bitch went to Hollywood pursue her dream to be a pop star. Stop laughing now babies, she says she's serious about it and she's even met with a music producer with fingers full of bling and a klassy pimped out Bentley.

So off she goes, flying up the 405 in the Mercedes Slade paid for, declaring her independence all the way to the tacky two bedroom apartment she was planning on sharing with her slightly less retarded friend J.J.

Poor Slade. Left alone to ramble around in that big, ugly house all by himself. Well, turns out the ignoramus can't just move on and find a new high-maintenance hussy who wants to live behind the gates of Hell. For reasons Your Mama can not comprehend, he really loves Jo. So what does the little bugger do? He puts the house on the market and moves to Hollywood where he is going to be Jo's music manager. Yes children, you read that correctly. If he can't be the boyfriend, apparently he'll settle for being the manager.

Your Mama just thinks that's sad. No. More than sad. Utterly depressing. Your Mama suspects a reality show spin off is desperately being shopped around. Which is even more depressing.

Slade's house is being listed by none other than the real estate maven housewife Jeana Keough, for whom Your Mama has a soft spot. Poor thing has to raise up those nasty kids without any help from her surly huzband. Anyhoo, Your Mama suspects a house like this is a hot commodity in Coto, however, we are sorry to say we can't find one thing in this house we can say something positive about.

The unnerving spectacle of the house really speaks for itself, but we have to tell the children the three most pressing issues we have with the house.

First off we have the acres of white carpeting. Does anyone really think white wall to wall carpeting is a good idea? It's not. Ever. Even if you're Barbra Streisand.

Secondly, those recliners in the "media room" are so unbelievably horrid Your Mama doesn't even know where to begin. Thankfully those tacky excuses for chairs do not come with the house.

And one thing that is not visible in the photos is that this house does not have a swimming pool or a spa. Now, we don't know about any of you, but that seems criminal. Who in Coto would dare not to have such standard equipment? That alone could keep this house from selling.

If anyone cares, Slade purchased this house in February of 2002 for $822,000.

We're sure some leather skinned mommy will pull up in her Escalade and feel in her fake little heart that she's found the perfect house for her and her family. The only good that we see in all of this? Jeana gets a big fat commission check.

Source: Curbed LA, ReMax

Goldfarb and Paredes in Tribeca

SELLERS: Alfredo Paredes and Brad Goldfarb
LOCATION: 25 N. Moore Street (The Atalanta), New York City
PRICE: $2,600,000 (maintenance $2,155 / month)
SIZE: 1,886 square feet, 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom
DESCRIPTION: The description provided by the listing agents is very long...so we'll condense and pop up later today.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Children, have you ever wondered what the New York apartment of a couple of swanky design queens looks like? Well here you go. Your Mama has been in so many of these places where every inch is considered and littered with expensive object (pronounce that ob-zjay please) and flea market finds that have been very expensively refinished and reupholstered. In case the children West of the Hudson River don't know who these fancy poofters are let Your Mama tell you.

Brad Goldfarb is the Executive Editor at the once edgy, now mainstream Interview magazine which was started in 1969 by that little wig wearing demon Andy Warhol. Goldfarb has the privilege of interviewing lots of fascinating folks like Whitney Houston and Anderson Cooper. Lately Goldfarb and Interview have been under fire from New York media blogs for allegedly fabricating the letters to the editor. Oh my, we can only hope those accusations are false, false, false.

Alfredo Paredes is an Executive Vice President at Ralph Lauren. Now that should not be a surprise after having a look around the apartment. We've got animal skin rugs, black and white photos, heaps of vases and lots of taupe colored things. All very Calvin Klein goes to the beach with a distinct Manhattan sophistication. There are almost always six degrees of separation in New York and a lifetime ago Your Mama sold Mister Paredes a custom made blanket for their country house that cost him $450. Wonder if he still has it.

The 10th floor apartment is located in The Atalanta, one of Tribeca's most desirable and expensive buildings. Other notable residents include Damon Dash, who lives in a lower floor duplex, and playwright Anna Deveare Smith as well as a large contingent of rich and anonymous lawyers, bankers and Wall Streeters.

Overall the apartment comes off quite nice. A little "done" for our taste, but that's to be expected from ritzy gays in New York with very good jobs. The kitchen has us peeing our pants it looks so sleek and sexy. But Your Mama knows from experience that all that stainless steel will keep the maid polishing half a day away. We hope the girl has some insurance to deal with the carpal tunnel that is sure to set in from all rubbing and wiping in the kitchen.

Can the children see that nude man in the window? No offense guys, but that thing is just gay enough to be upsetting. Why do people like these things? Please someone let us know what the appeal is.

The vanity area of the bathroom is certainly dramatic and we recognize and appreciate the bold use of the color black. In theory Your Mama likes that big naughty black phallic stick on the left hand side. But we're uncomfortable with the all the male jewelry hanging on the thing. Sort of destroys the effect for us.

We do not l.o.v.e every element of this apartment, but Your Mama knows in our hearts we would like these two gentlemen because they have actual books up in their house. Not having books in your house says more about someone than people without books in their house could possibly imagine.

The generous and well designed layout goes without saying. Clearly these two had a great architect who was able to deliciously custom fit the apartment.

If the children think $2,600,000 sounds like a lot for a one bedroom apartment, you should see the $4,000,000 one bedroom apartment that is also currently for sale at The Atalanta. So maybe this place is a bargain. It's all relative in the high end market, right babies?

Sources: Corcoran, Stribling NY