Bracco Bails Out of Bridgehampton

SELLER: Lorraine Bracco
LOCATION: Bridgehampton, NY
PRICE: $3,250,000
SIZE: 4,500 (approx), 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Sophisticated enough for the most discerning buyer and homey enough for a family. This ultra private home sits on a flag lot over looking reserve. 4 zone heat and a/c. 50 ft. heated pool, outdoor jacuzzi and beautifully landscaped. In the middle of Bridgehampton horse country.

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: See our later post about Ms. Bracco taking this house off the market and her plight to sell a property in Sneden Landen.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: First of all, Your Mama has a million and one things to take care of today including having an open house so we don't have much time to commentate today. Therefore, we're going to refer you over to the good folks at Curbed for some additional information about Ms. Bracco's Hamptons hideaway that was recently put up for sale.

But before we go, there are three things Your Mama would like the children to know.

1. "Bridgehampton horse country" is a euphemism for North of the Highway. Which all you Hamptonites know means far from the ocean. Don't get Your Mama wrong, ain't nothing wrong with "horse country," if you like horses.

2. Ms. Bracco does not limit herself to the acting. This lady is a bonified entrepreneur and has herself a little wine importing bizness.

3. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter keep a place in the very same building in Manhattan as Ms. Bracco. So we know what we're talking about when we tell the children she's got a little black and white Boston Terrier that goes by the name Lola.

Now, head on over to the famous and fabulous Curbed site for more information.

Hello, Dolly!

SELLER: Dolly I. Lenz
LOCATION: Water Mill (Southampton), NY
PRICE: $5,995,000
SIZE: 1.5 acres, 6,500 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Located in the Water Mill estate section close to ocean beaches. This fabulous 6,500 sq. ft. plus home boasts voluminous ceilings in the great room and sun room which is off the huge eat-in kitchen, library, formal dining. The home also boasts 7 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms, finished basement with recreation room and gym. 2-car attached garage, 2 car detached garage with studio apartment above. heated gunite pool and all-weather tennis court. Beautifully landscaped 1.6 just minutes from Southampton and Water Mill villages.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Anyone who knows anything about New York City real estate will recognize the name of the homeowner of this property. But for all the children who don't recognize Ms. Lenz's name, let Your Mama educate you: Dolly I. Lenz is quite possibly the most successful real estate agent that ever walked the earth and is unquestionably New York City's premier agent.

Simmer down now Michael Shvo. Lawhd hunny, Your Mama can hear you shrieking through the internet wires. You many have been her protege, and you may have clawed your way to the top the the New York City real estate heap in just a few short years, but you're just going to have to wait for the queen to retire before you can wear her crown.

Ms. Lenz, a Bronx native and former accountant, has built her own real estate empire within the Prudential Douglas Elliman company. In addition to working with scores of nameless and faceless rich folks, Ms. Lenz has brokered deals for some of New York's most prominent celebrities such as Bruce Willis, Barbra Streisand and Kinray CEO Stewart Rahr, to whom she sold Burnt Point, a $45,000,000 weekend home in 2005. Your Mama is breathless calculating the commission for that one and we know that number has all the children reaching for their calculators too.

On a side note, it is said Mr. Rahr was partially persuaded to purchase Burnt Point, because he was unsuccessful in deterring the horny Hamptons homos from cruising the dunes at dusk out back of his previous ocean front property in an uber-posh section of East Hampton. Rather than continue waging that losing bitch fight/slap fest, he decided to move on to what was then the most expensive house ever purchased in the Hamptons.

The real estate powerhouse that is Dolly Lenz not only sells co-ops and condos in Manhattan, she also gets scores of listings in the Hamptons and Palm Beach. And children, her Palm beach listings include the Mr. Donald Trump's $125,000,000 terrifically gauche flip property. The Douglas Elliman website shows Ms. Lenz currently has listings in various other far flung locales including the Heath House in London, an ocean front crash pad in Malee-boo, a terraced penthouse in Boston, and a castle in Fife, England.

Constantly working two or three blackberries, carrying a $6,000 Hermes Birkin bag, and ferrying clients around in a chauffeured luxury sedan, this black suited, high heeled super-agent never stops working. According to a report in Haute Living, she even took calls while in labor with her children. What? Hunny, Your Mama hopes your clients appreciate that level of dedication and are thankful you are willing to tie yourself into a pretzel in order to get their deals done.

Anyhoo, we are familiar with the location of this home because, as it turns out, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter have leased several of our automobiles just up the road about half a mile and we often take our bitches Linda and Beverly for a sandy stroll along the beaches in this area.

The house sits South of the Highway at the end of a quiet cul-de-sac just North of Fordune, the one-time 44-acre estate of Henry Ford that has been divided up into large estate sized parcels with extremely large houses. There are several beaches that are biking distance including the wide stretch at the end of Flying Point Road, and even closer is the very gay friendly Fowler's Beach.

Ms. Lenz's home appears quite modest in the photos, however, the property is a fairly typical South of the Highway property and includes a heated swimming pool and tennis court for the spor-teef minded. Although the home has more than a half dozen bedrooms, the detached two car garage includes a one bedroom apartment upstairs. Your Mama loves this because it's always nice to have a place for the maid or less favored guests to stay.

Your Mama only has the deepest of respect for Ms. Lenz and her real estate acumen, but after looking at the photographs above, you know we do have to take issue with her interior decoration. Gurl, you make a lot of money and you have got this house cluttered up like and looking like any old tract house in rural Minneapolis. We are suggesting with your next weekend getaway in the Hamptons you hire yourself a nice gay decorator to help you pull it all together in a style more befitting of the real estate royalty you are. If you need the names and numbers of a few interior propping poofters, you just let Your Mama know and we'll messenger a list right over.

Of course, with a husband, two teenage children, and 75 plus listings, who knows how this woman finds the time to get her hair cut and colored, let alone interview and hire a decorator. As busy as she is, it's practically a miracle she has any furniture at all. Hunny, give Your Mama a call and we can help you work out those little details while you keep the wheeling and dealing going at the dizzying pace we have all come to expect from you.

Sources: Prudential Douglas Elliman, Haute Living, The Real Deal, Luxury Real Estate

The DeVito/Perlman House Goes on the Block

SELLER: Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman
LOCATION: Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $31,900,000
SIZE: 14,579 square , 5 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Most remarkable estate in Beverly Hills. Classic understated elegance designed by Wallace Neff and completely remodeled with the highest quality. Professional 35mm projection room, office, outstanding kitchen, dramatic master bedroom, 5 additional bedroom suites, complete guest house with additional office and garage, 2 separate swimming pools, nearly 2 acres of lush private park-like landscaping. First time on the market in nearly 20 years. Pre-qualified showings only.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: They may be petit, but make no mistake children, Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman are one of Hollywood's largest and in charge power couples. According to the LA Times Hot Properties column, DeVito/Perlman clan is moving on from the lavish Beverly Hills estate they've called home for nearly 20 years. Designed by the venerable Wallace Neff, the French Country style property was originally built in the 1930s and has been updated and upgraded over the years and is without a doubt acceptably kitted out for even the fussiest of Hollywood honchos.

Hollywood mogul types love their state of the art media/projection rooms, and this house will not disappoint with it's 35mm capabilities. Bigwigs also crave separate home-office space for the myriad staff and assistants necessary to run a film and television empire. And again this house does not disappoint with it's separate office suite and guest parking. Your Mama hates nothing more than having "co-workers" peering into our bedrooms and opening our medicine cabinets, so this set-up is perfect for keeping all the sycophants and creepy types out of the boozum of one's home.

There are a couple of additional features Your Mama would like to take note of about this property. The first is that there are two swimming pools on the two acre property. Two! We're guessing the DeVito/Perlman clan put in a second, indoor pool for all those glacially cold winter days in Beverly Hills. Or maybe it was a more medical minded decision having to do with skin cancer. Whatever the case, Your Mama is concerned about the number of pool boys required to be up on the property at all times.

Anyhoo, Your Mama needs to keep the exact location and address of this property under wraps as it is our understanding the DeVito/Perlman clan is still in residence. But, we can let the children know the house sits just North of Sunset, is surrounded by some of the most expensive and elaborate properties in Beverly Hills, including David Geffen's $47,000,000 estate, and David Saperstein's shockingly huge house. The property sits right next door to the former love nest of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, which sold last year in the neighborhood of $23,500,000.

According Ms. Ryon over at the Hot Properties column, it is unknown why the DeVito/Perlman's have chosen to move on from their mammoth estate, but Your Mama is sure it has nothing to do with the Mister's very funny, but rather embarrassing antics on The View recently. Perhaps as their three children (Lucie, Grace, and Jacob) get older and begin to fly the nest, the Devito/Perlmans are simply looking to downscale. They also have a place out in Malee-boo for weekends, so we expect they'll stick around the Bev Hills area.

We understand from Wilma, our source on the ground, that Mister Beckham and his Spicey Wifey are looking for a home slightly West of this property and prefer something in a much lower price range. But we're thinking this property would be perfect for them. Your Mama would not be at all surprised if they've already toured this property or will as soon as they land stateside again after Miss Vicki finishes strutting and frowning through all the Paris shows.

The property is being represented by uber agent to the stars Kurt Rappaport of the Westside Estate Agency, and as of today the brokerage has only included one photo with the listing on their website. However Your Mama has contacted Wilma Washington, our well-connected birdie in Los Angeles, and obtained a few more photos for the hungry children that will soon be appearing on the multiple listing service.

Sources: LA Times Hot Properties, Westside Estate Agency, TMZ, Wickipedia

Britney and Kevin's Love Shack

SELLER: Britney Spears / Kevin Federline
LOCATION: 3200 Retreat Court, Malibu
PRICE: $13,500,000
SIZE: 9,130 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 8.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: (NEW) Privacy is paramount at this remarkable 1.53 acre gated estate situated on a serene cul-de-sac in Malibu's famed Serra Retreat. William Pauli, AIA designed this recently updated 9200 square foot residence with 6 large private bedroom suites, dance/workout room, game room,2 wine storage (refrigerated and unrefrigerated)areas, new recording studio and detached 1 bedroom, 1 bath guest house with great room and kitchen. The master suite features vaulted ceilings, 3 walk-in closets (including a safe room), and abundant storage built-ins. This estate offers endless indoor and outdoor entertainment possibilities with french doors that lead to intimate gathering spaces framed by fireplaces and fountains. Exterior grounds are exceptional and offer the ultimate in both relaxation and recreation featuring a resort style pool with waterfall and grotto, waterslide, swim up refreshment cabana and toddlers wading area. An outdoor dining "room" awaits with professional kitchen, TV and aquarium. A 2 story childrens playhouse (with air conditioning) and lighted sport court complete this incredible offering. Shown only to prequalified buyers.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: That's right children, this vagina flashing mommy of two and her soon to be ex-husband, the White Rapper, have finally and officially put their Malibu love shack on the market. We have posted the address of this property because the "lady" of the house has already, famously, moved on to a new home up in the gated Summit Circle area of Beverly Hills and we imagine the White Rapper has scored himself a new pad with his dee-vorce settlement money. Or perhaps he's moved his sneaker collection back over to the house of his first baby momma, Shar Jackson. Oh dear, did we say that out loud?

Now, for all you children with the inclination to get in your hoopties and drive out to Malee-boo and stake out this house...Your Mama strongly advises against it. First of all, no one famous is living in this house anymore. Secondly if you're crazy enough to drive out to Malee-boo just to get a look at the front gates of this house, you need some help the likes of which Your Mama can not provide. Seriously. It's one thing to be looking at these people in magazines and online, but it's not cool to chase them around in their cars or stand out in front of their houses.

Anyhoo, the listing was given to Kimberley Pfeiffer over at Coldwell Banker who has several very high-end listings in addition to this property. Currently the listing agent is not providing any other photos than what you see above. There have been photos of this house published and blogged before, so we're not getting crazy about getting them, but we'll keep our eyes peeled and will certainly request them.

The house is located up in the super exclusive Serra Retreat in Malibu and is tucked back on a small cul-de-sac with just three other homes. They very publicly purchased this property just a few years ago for a reported $7,200,00 and set about customizing it by installing a recording studio and a work/out dance rehearsal room.

It appears these two ar-teests purchased the property through something called the Love Shack Trust. Isn't that cute? The property records also list several other names and trusts, but Your Mama is guessing those are the names of lawyers and business managers.

Your Mama does not have a lot of appreciation for the pop music stylings of Miss Britney Spears, and we certainly do not care for that noise the White Rapper makes, but we are honestly a little sad to see this house go up for sale. For it means two things: 1.) Their sincere and intense love affair and marriage really is over. And 2.) We're all likely to be seeing even more of Britney's drunken cooch on parade at clubs all over Hollywood. Lawhd help us all.

Sources: LA Times Hot Properties, Coldwell Banker

Real Estate Pornography VII (Bay Area)

SELLER: Unknown
LOCATION: Corte Madera, CA
PRICE: $27,000,000
SIZE: 12,000 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: (shortened from listing agents website) Located on a gated private hilltop...this 11 acre (+/-) estate offers a dramatic contemporary 12,000 sq. ft (+/-) main house, a separate guest house, a gigantic level outdoor entertaining area (pool, cabana, water slide, soccer lawn, playground, volleyball, basketball, etc.), a working organic garden with huge greenhouse and much more. The main house...offers dramatic formal entry, living and dining rooms...plus a professional chef’s kitchen-family room...a professional music studio/entertainment center, a huge SF view luxury master bedroom suite, a separate kid’s wing and children’s playroom...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Okay babies, Your Mama is sitting here in Fiona Trambeau’s San Francisco office nursing a nasty hangover so don’t any of you bitches be crossing me this morning. We aren’t speaking to Fiona this morning due to a screeching fight we had last night over that crazy Tom Cruise and someone named Mike Piazza. We don’t even know who that is puppies, but Fiona was defending his honor something fierce. Lawhd children, I can’t go back into all that and relate all the details, but suffice to say that it resulted in Fiona and Your Mama being unceremoniously booted from the bar. Your Mama was so upset and disturbed that when we got home, we had to take ourselves TWO nerve pills just to get to sleep.

Anyhoo, we’re here to discuss the real estate and not the proclivities of certain celebrities and athletes. So since we’re in San Francisco, we’re bringing all the children some serious Bay Area real estate pornography. This property, located north of The City in some place called Corte Madera is being marketed by the listing brokerage as “The Bill Graham Estate.”

Do all the children know who Bill Graham was? We didn’t think so. Let Your Mama educate you some on this man then. Bill Graham was a legendary San Francisco concert promoter who was instrumental in bringing 1960s counter culture icons such as Lawrence Ferlinghetti, Jefferson Airplane and the Grateful Dead into the mainstream consciousness. And he made buckets of money doing it. Tragically he was killed in a 1991 freak helicopter accident while returning home from seeing Huey Lewis and the News in concert. Lahwd children, all due respect to Mister Graham and his kin folk, but I don’t know what’s worse, dying in a helicopter accident or seeing Huey Lewis and News in concert.

After viewing the photos provided on the listing agent’s website, and due to the contemporary architectural stylings of the house, Your Mama was suspicious of this “Bill Graham Estate” marketing tactic. And as we suspected, the photos above are not photos the house in which Bill Graham lived. No babies, that house was torn down in the 1990s and replaced by this sprawling and angular behemoth designed by noted “green” architect Sim Van Der Ryn.

Your Mama is not down with the marketing angle here as the property has no visual relationship with the former Bill Graham estate other than a shared street address. We are, however, appreciative of the current owners extreme dedication to building an ecologically friendly abode. According to the architect’s website, the owner specified that “only reclaimed or certified sustainably harvested woods be used for framing and finishes.” And in fact some of the wood was reclaimed from the original house site and also from buildings being taken down at the Presidio of San Francisco.

The house incorporates rammed earth construction in order to cut down on the use of cement, and the south facing allows most of the rooms to be flooded with light and heated passively by the sun. The sun’s heat is absorbed in the floor further adding to the homes energy efficiency. We applaud the commitment to green building and think it’s amazing the current owners are so committed to sustainable living they have even included a large organic garden in order to grow some of their own food. Very cool, very modern, very Bay Area.

This house is so politically correct Your Mama feels like it's an environmental sin to speak ill of it, but there are a couple of issues we simply must address. We find the articulation of the roof lines and walls a little confusing. All those obtuse angles and swooping lines leave us feeling a little like we’re looking at a progressively designed convention center.

And hunnies, we’ve broken into a cold sweat over that backyard playground area. We understand well-healed parents like to provide a myriad of backyard activities for their children and the environmentally conscious super rich are apparently no different in this way. But this place seems more like a public park rather than a private back yard. And for some reason, this merger of residential and civic design makes us very uneasy. We understand a pool. We understand a tennis court. And we can even understand a play structure if you’ve got small children. It’s the steroidal water slide, the volleyball court, the soccer court and the freaking basketball court. Is that all necessary? It just seems TOO much and we are left breathless trying to imagine the number of full-time staff it takes to maintain all that.

Now, off Your Mama is headed into the foggy San Francisco morning to meet up with Falsetta Knockers, see the new Herzog and de Meuron designed DeYoung Museum, and if we’re feeling really arty and ambitious, we may even hit the SF MoMa too. Bye hunnies.

SOURCES: Tiburon Land Company, Van Der Ryn Architects, wickipedia

San Francisco, Open Your Golden Gates

Dear lovely readers,

Your Mama will be heading to San Francisco on Thursday to visit with our filthy minded friend Fiona Trambeau, the potty-mouthed Falsetta Knockers and her literary man-friend, the always lovely Miss Anne, and so on and so forth.

Your Mama's little bitches Linda and Beverly will be staying home with their daddy, the Dr. Cooter, who will no doubt have them sleeping up on the bed and misbehaving something awful by the time we get home.

Your Mama will be totally out of commission on Thursday, but plan on having something for the children again on Friday. So please now, don't turn your back on Your Mama just because we're taking a day off. Even Your Mama needs a day or two of rest sometimes.

We are signing off now to get to the 24 hourdruggist to pick up our prescription for the Valiums so we can fly in peace, or at least in a torpid haze. Bye now hunnies.

Russ Weiner, Rockstar Superstar

SELLER: Russell Goldencloud Weiner
LOCATION: 8507 Franklin Avenue, Los Angeles
PRICE: $2,500,000 (reduced from $2,995,000 to $3,500,000 and then $3,995,000)
SIZE: 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Luxuriously unique Contemporary home in the Hollywood Hills is the entertainer’s dream. This home features a lavish pool, spa, and yard, three fireplaces, and two koi ponds. The kitchen boasts a large granite island and hardwood floors. The master suite has its own sitting area with a large marble bath with a steam shower and spa tub. Easily access to all floors by elevator and roof deck with a bridge to the pool.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Don't feel bad if you don't know who this Weiner dude with the unusual middle name is, 'cause we didn't either. Turns out, this man is the founder and CEO of the Rockstar energy drink empire and he's made multi-millions selling his faux crack shit to all the club hopping children who don't have enough sense to just do some cocaine. Mister Weiner, a fixture on the Hollywood party circuit, has managed to get oodles of celebs to shill his product for him. The website for this product features scores of big name folks like Eva Longoria, the boys from OutKast, Travis Barker, Fergie, and the ever so fun Robin Leach.

None the less, Your Mama has a strong hunch the "energy drink" revolution is coming to an end and predicts the sales of these "energy drinks" are soon to be headed down the toilet bowl. So puppies, sell your stock now. And remember, you heard it here first.

Your Mama is not here to discuss the dreary state of politics in the U-nited States, but we would be remiss if we did not mention this Weiner dude is the son of vitriolic right wing radio head Michael Savage of the Savage Nation program. One look at this man's website and we knew we were headed straight for the nerve pills this morning. Lahwd children, this Bush supporter/Muslim hater has videos of be-headings on his website under the headline, "Know Your Enemy." Please. That is just so asinine and inflammatory, we're not going to touch it.

Anyhoo, Your Mama is here to discuss the real estate, so let's just try to move on from all that nastiness. This Weiner dude, who, at least in the past, has shared some of his fathers rather alarming views, has this Hollywood Hills house up for sale. Unfortunately for him, he is having a devil of a time finding a buyer. In fact, this property, listed with uber brokerage Hilton & Hyland, has been reduced $1,000,000 since it was put on the market in October of 2006.

Public records show the property was purchased in December 2002 at an undisclosed price. However, it does show Mister Weiner did take a mortgage of $1,000,000. That would indicate he most likely paid between $1.2 and $1.5 million. No doubt he dropped a $150,000 into renovations. So after just four years of ownership he was hoping to make in excess of $2,500,000. We know the real estate market has been scorching hot in Los Angeles the last few years, but this seems a wee excessive to Your Mama.

It's clear this Weiner dude put some money into updating, but it's also clear he didn't change some of the more obvious atrocities like the front door and master bathroom (see virtual tour). And it probably goes without saying Your Mama is not fond of the flesh colored exterior.

Fortunately, the house is equipped with an elevator serving all floors. This is a good thing because a person whose heart is racing from too many energy drinks could easily have a coronary climbing up and down all the stairs in this four-story abode.

The location, however, is quite good being a straight shot right up N. Kings Road. All our Los Angeleno children know this is an excellent location for easy access to tons of high-profile, clubs, restaurants, and hotels. We approve of the Weiner dude's kitchen renovation even if it's not what we would do to our own kitchen.

The views are breathtaking from the roof top terrace which is a most excellent place for our bitches Linda and Beverly to sun their weiner bodies. Bravo to the architects and engineers who managed to get a swimming pool here given the lot is basically a vertical cliff.

Of course, Your Mama would toss that gym equipment out with yesterday's trash, but we are appreciating all the televisions--we counted four. We can only hope this Weiner dude was thoughtful enough to install a television in the elevator. You know how Your Mama hates to miss her favorite programs like the re-runs of Reba and that mortifying My Super Sweet 16 program on the MTV. Lawhd hunnies, that program is like a damned train wreck. We desperately want to just flip past that channel, but we can't help it. We always end up watching, and our evening is completely ruined by the visual carnage and disturbing entitlement of those teenage assholes. But that's all another story.

Anyhoo, this Weiner dude has a history and penchant of buying and selling properties and you can have a look-see at another property he previously owned that is currently being offered for sale by clicking here.

Now, if any of you are inclined to help out this Weiner dude and buy this house, please call the folks over at Hilton & Hyland. I'm sure they'd like to get this thing off their plates.

Sources: Forbes, Wickipedia, Savage Nation

Reggie Bush's Hollywood Hills Hideaway

BUYER: Reggie Bush
LOCATION: Viewsite Terrace, Hollywood Hills, LA
PRICE: $5,000,000 (approx.)
SIZE: 4,800 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: STRIKING DESIGNER VERTICAL ESTATE WITH 320 DEGREE PANORAMIC VIEWS! Breathtaking Penthouse master suite opens to an expansive Sky-deck for that "King of the World" feel. Private His & Her baths with all amenities is coupled with mahogany dressing room/closet. The Great Room welcomes with its floating glass Library Loft, cool Bar, silver padded D/R and platinum kitchen outfitted with Viking & Sub-Zero appliances. This city refuge could easily be a chic hotel with its State-of-the-art Theater, serene Asian guest suite, Home Beauty Spa and a hip Playroom sporting 3 TVs. Paneled elevator serves the tri-level seemless in/out door spaces where city to ocean views and beyond are always close by. Yacht-inspired ironwood party decks with a stone pool & spa, BBQ & bar plus a dining gazebo all focus on the jetliner views. Designed by Angie Thornbury & built by Gordon Gibson. Once in a Lifetime Opportunity!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We'll start with the Mister Bush who, of course, Your Mama knows nothing about as we're not much into the sports. According to the Hot Properties column in the LA Times, this man plays football for the New Orleans Saints. We have no idea why this man would need such a large and expensive home in Los Angeles, but we assume this USC alum calls Los Angeles home during the off season. We called Fiona Trambeau, who y'all know as our San Francisco informant about all things sports related. But all she wanted to discuss was Mister Bush's heiny and in fact was so graphic and vulgar about it all Your Mama had to hang up the phone on her.

Anyhoo children, this one is a terrible doozy and to be honest, there is just so much upsetting with this listing and property that it just makes Your Mama confused and sick. First off we're going to apologize for that round photograph up there. We took this from the listing agent's website. We have no doubt Mr. Sheldon is a stellar agent at Coldwell Banker. However, we do not approve of "creative" photo shapes.

The second problem we have with the listing information for this property is the headline used on the listing: "Hood Ornament of the Hollywood Hills!" Does Your Mama need any additional comment on that for all the children out there to know that is just plain wrong?

We hate to be tossing so much shade in the die-rection of this Mr. Sheldon, but we have another issue with his property description we would like to point out. What is the story with all that ubiquitous punctuation and capitalization? We considered going in there and removing all that crap, but it was just too much effort so we left it for you babies to be worn out by too.

We know Mr. Sheldon is hardly the only perpetrator of this sort of willy-nilly capitalization in the real estate bizness. So this goes out to all you real estate people who capitalize everything like everything is some sort of proper noun: don't do it. It just makes you look like you're yelling at everybody.

The house was purchased and given a total face lift by a woman named Angie Thornbury. This lady apparently has a nice bizness where she buys, fixes up, and sell on properties in the Los Angeles area at a great profit. Your Mama did a little searching and googling for this woman and this is what we came up with: She appeared on an episode of the HGTV show Designer's Challenge, and she started a design firm call Imagination! No babies, Your Mama did not add the exclamation point. Like her real estate agent, Ms. Thornbury also seems to enjoy shouting at people with extraneous punctuation.

We did some additional searching and kept coming up with dead ends. Your Mama just got tired of looking for this lady so we quit. We figured if she can't be bothered to make herself accessible on the internet, she probably does not want anyone to know who she is and what she does.

Lawhd babies, we're exhausted and we haven't even discussed the house yet. Your Mama has no major beef with the kitchen and living room areas. They're a little "W" hotel for our taste, which we feel is a style that's been played out. But that does not mean it does not sell for big bucks as no doubt Ms. Thornbury's pocketbook can tell you. We understand a lot of decorators are still doing this sort of thing and apparently a lot of buyers are still appreciating this sort of thing too.

The cinema room is obviously a very LA sort of home accoutrement. While we're not feeling the aubergine wall fabric or that "dramatic" overhead soffit lighting shit, we're sure this probably fits the bill for what many folks want in a private screening room. On to the bathroom. Well, at least in the one photo we have here, this room is a real problem. Your Mama can't imagine anyone feeling comfortable stripping nekkid in this room. I guess Mister Bush can imagine it, but he's probably just one of about a dozen who can.

Going back to the property description in the listing, there are a few features that make Your Mama furrow our brow with consternation. Hunny, what's a platinum kitchen? Does this refer to the color of the cabinets or the is it the material? And this "home beauty spa" that is mentioned? What ever is that? Is a room like this really necessary for anyone? Is this where you get your hair colored and woven in the privacy of your own home? And why would any "hip playroom" require three televisions? Can a person watch that many programs at once? Please. That many blaring television sets just seems like a recipe for an aural disaster that can only lead to a migraine.

Lahwd children, we're sorry to bring you such an abomination, but sometimes it's good to know what's bad, so then you know what's good, right? And with that Your Mama is signing out. We feel that migraine coming on strong from all the stress this listing is giving us. We need to get ourselves into a dark room with a big dose of Imitrex right quick.

Sources: LA Times Hot Properties, Coldwell Banker, Cory Sheldon, Zoom Info, HGTV

Oh Lawhd Please, No More Pears?

Hunnies, we have got to break into our normal posting routine here because Your Mama is too outraged to keep our mouth shut.

On Saturday, the 20th of January, The Sun, one of Britain's most aggressive and intense tabloids, featured photos of Brad and Angelina's new house in New Orleans. And yes children, it is the same house Your Mama told you they bought last week, on the 17th, thank you.

But Your Mama is not here to gloat about breaking stories. No sirree Bob. What we want to discuss is all these damn pear paintings that keep popping up in pictures of rich people's houses. That's right babies, one of the photos in The Sun's article shows a giant pear painting hanging over a fireplace in one of the rooms.

Do you recall that pear abortion in Cher's flip nightmare in Palm Springs? Well if you do, you know Your Mama was not happy about it. If not, you can read about it here.

Anyhoo, we were alerted to this pear by our San Francisco based anglophile friend Fiona Trambeau. And Lahwd children, Your Mama just about came unglued when we saw this decorating tragedy. We were so disturbed we had to go take us a nerve pill. Please.

Who are all these gay decorators who are telling their clients to be hanging paintings of giant pears up in their houses? WHO? WHO ARE THEY? Because Your Mama would like to sit them down and give them a severe tongue lashing. Then we'd like to take them up to the roof and beat their asses until they haven't got enough sense to know what a pear is.

We have had enough of the pears. Do you hear Your Mama? ENOUGH. And we don't want to be seeing any other fruit up on the walls either. All you gay decorators out there need to have some mercy on our souls and not be putting that kind of shit up on the walls. Honestly! If you need the name of some good galleries, you just let Your Mama know and we'll get you some phone numbers and addresses. Now then, stop it with the pears.

What do the children think. Is it just Your Mama who finds this fruit fetish offensive?

David LaChapelle's Picture Perfect Place

SELLER: David LaChapelle
LOCATION: Second Avenue, East Village, NYC
PRICE: $1,995,000 (monthly maintenance: $1,677)
SIZE: 1,350 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 1.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This 2 Bedroom corner unit features a grand entry foyer, formal dinning room, and an over sized living room...The dark wood floors serve as a great contrast to the colorful City palette provided by the home's 10 windows. This part-time doorman building features a full time elevator operator and is ideally situated in the heart of the East Village. Additional features are beamed ceilings, crystal doorknobs, original moldings, and imported mosaic tiles.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama is in a cold sweat imagining all the debauched debauchery and big boobies this apartment has surely seen. The wildly successful and reasonably attractive Mr. LaChapelle is best buddies with such downtown and Hollywood luminaries as Pam Anderson, Amanda Lepore, and those queer boys from Heatherette. And, apparently, they all like to get together, strip down, and take pictures.

The photographer's work bends heavily towards the soo-real and he's photographed just about every over-bronzed, over injected, and over implanted female celebrity (or tranny female celebrity) that's walked the hallowed streets of Hollywood and Manhattan in the last 20 years. And hunnies, you know all these ladies is almost always half nekkied in the pictures, their little nippies just about poking our eyes out from the pages of all the glossy magazines. Often as not, these ladies are not only nekkid as the day they was born but doing something suggestive, naughty, and/or taboo. Your Mama loves that shit!

Anyhoo, the apartment we are going to discuss is being sold as a "celebrity lair" by the Prudential Douglas Elliman listing agents and it was confirmed to to Your Mama by the listing agent herself that this apartment is in fact the personal residence of Mr. LaChapelle. Of course he no doubt has himself a big studio where he does his picture taking, but this east village aerie is where he entertains his intimate friends and lays his head down at night.

This 6th floor apartment has lovely light and open views from the East, West and North. It also happens to be located in one of the very best buildings in all of the East Village, just a hop, skip, and jump from the venerable Veselka restaurant and also just a few minutes walk to Tompkins Square Park where you can visit the dog run and score a little dope all at the same time. Okay all you old-school East Village types, cool it. We know Tompkins Square ain't what it used to be and is now just about over run with Marc Jacobs clad mommies pushing wildly expensive Bugaboo strollers. But Your Mama has it on very good authority that you can still fix your itch here iffin you know who to talk to.

Anyhoo, we mostly feel quite positive about this apartment and, if not for the bathroom situation, we might even feel we could live here. Your Mama loves that green striped bathroom as it looks like a very interesting and colorful place to clean up, floss and do one's dirty bizness, and we appreciate the private half bath in the second bedroom. But we are a mite confused as to which room is the master and which is for guests. Also, the closets space is on the slim side which is problematic for all the obvious reasons.

Even still, y'all know how Your Mama appreciates and adores a big entrance hall like that. No need to have the messenger people know what sort of furniture and money you have. Of course, the dark floors and the white walls also make us grin with glee. The living room acts as a perfectly calm and balanced space against the filth and chaos of Noo York City, and Your Mama thinks Mr. LaChapelle (or his gay decorator) did and most excellent job in here. Mostly anyway.

We are, however, a little disconcerted with the large painting in the bedroom. We just barely qualified to critique the artwork babies, but we do know that painting would give Your Mama quite a fright in the middle of the night. Imagine rolling over and catching a glimpse of that while half asleep? Hunny, in a sleep haze we'd be all freaked out thinking there was some crazy dancing ladies up in the bedroom trying to steal our damn jewelry. So, all due respect Mr. LaChapelle hunny, that painting would need to go if we were ever to get a good nights rest in your crib.

We're also not convinced on the choice of coverlets in the bedrooms. We are however respecting the choice to have each of the bedrooms use coverlets of the same fabric only in a different color. That sort of uniformity makes Your Mama feel calm inside.

Now babies, this place has been on the market for quite some time, so one of you New York readers with a little dough should do Mr. LaChapelle and the real estate agents a favor and buy this place.

Sources: Prudential Douglas Elliman

Reed Krakoff Double Whammy (Beach)

SELLER: Reed Krakoff
LOCATION: Southampton, NY
PRICE: $12,000,000
SIZE: 3.3 acres, 4,000 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Privacy and beauty combine in this modern 5 bedroom, 6 bathroom home on 3.3 acres in estate section. Century-old property with pool, pool house, playhouse, greenhouse. Slate terraces overlook award-winning mature landscaping that borders adjacent farm fields. Room for tennis and large home.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We know all you folks out in places like Portland, Peoria, and Piscataway may not think this Reed person is a "celebrity." But trust Your Mama when we tell you, in New York design, art, and business circles, he and wifey Delphine are at the top of the heap.

When the Krakoff clan heads East from their super-deluxe townhouse in Manhattan for a weekend of sun, sand, and barbecue, this is dwelling to which they are chauffeured. The flag-lot property sits smack in the middle of Southampton's most exclusive neighborhood and is just a few minutes bike ride to Coopers Neck Beach. The Krakoff house also happens to be a few doors down from "Old Trees," the tremendous, old-school lakefront estate being offered at the stunning price of $48,000,000. That should tell you a little something about the quality of the location.

Like their townhouse in the city (the old one, not the new one), this place has been photographed and swooned over in high-style publications, most notably last September in Elle Decor. Your Mama thinks that Mr. Krakoff--a smart, savvy guy, and very well connected dude--calls up a few of his big-time homies and gently asks for his homes to be written up in a fancy magazine or two just as their coming to market. Thereby grabbing a little free press, not to mention being able to add a few pennies to the price for the cache of purchasing a "published" celebrity house. If you're friendly with all the right people, Your Mama recommends this strategy highly.

Even though we have a lovely little house at the beach ourselves, Your Mama would be happy to swap out our wee farmhouse for this rather severe assemblage of white cubes. The uniform articulation of windows on the back facade just makes us feel calm and visually soothed. The vine covered pergola thing, while not particularly clever, is absolutely effective in softening the austere nature of the architecture, not to mention providing some necessary shade. With global warming and all that crap, we all have to be more conscious of having a shady place to recline on those blistering summer days.

The kitchen we're digging due to it's studied and well ordered cacophony of styles. The master bedroom on the other hand is a little fussy for our taste. Your Mama is quite sure having a big old raccoon pelt on the bed is not a good idea. Oh, we get that it adds texture and luxury and all that horseshit, but no. These sorts of blankets are just a high-minded, design-y version of a big stuffed deer head hanging on the wall of the den. Come on now. Please. Put that fuzzy thing in the cold storage and get a nice hand-woven mohair something or other.

Your Mama thinks that enormous stretch of lawn is just beyond. It must take an army of gardeners and a wheelbarrow of money to keep that lawn looking the way it does; lush, even colored and not a brown spot anywhere. Your Mama thinks xeriscaping is truly the next wave in landscaping, but we still find ourselves drawn to a well maintained lawn.

One of the things Your Mama likes about the super-rich is how they pepper their grounds with artwork. The Krakoffs, big art lovers and consumers, also like expensive backyard sculpture. Did you notice the cute little wooden sheep? And of course the giant Tony Rosenthal cube probably set the Krakoff's back more than you make in a year.

We are disappointed not to find a tennis court here, as we've come to expect that of estate properties in the Hamptons. But the posh Bridgehampton Tennis & Surf Club is nearby and can be joined for the not so modest fee of about $7,700 for a family membership.

The wind is howling outside and the ground is frozen. So it's an excellent time to sit back and think about the coming summer months. Your Mama has a long list of Hamptons properties to bring you in the coming weeks, so stick around and we'll show you how the East Coast richie-riches summer in style and comfort.

Sources: NY Observer, Sotheby's International, DebbieGuide

Reed Krakoff Double Whammy (City)

SELLER: Reed Krakoff
LOCATION: East 61st Street, NYC
PRICE: $14,995,000 (list)
SIZE: 5+ floors, 4 bedrooms, 3 full and 3 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: (considerably reduced from listing agent's website) The splendid building was just gut renovated and entirely rebuilt by C-Square under the close supervision of the present owners. It contains several stunning features: a double height living room with a 26' wall of glass over a planted garden, an exquisite master floor, a second master with a terrace over the garden, and a top floor loft space flooded with with light. An elevator serves all five levels.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Okay children, settle down, Your Mama is going to tell y'all who this Reed Krakoff is and how it is he has so much scratch he is able to live in such tasteful and expensive opulence. This man is the "Divisional President" of Coach. We don't know what a Divisional President does either, so don't be emailing and asking us about that shit. This man previously did stints over at Tommy Hilfiger and Polo/Ralph Lauren but ultimately, this is just one of several houses all your medium priced handbags and wallets bought.

In his capacity as king of the leather carryall, Mr. Krakoff earns enough of the green stuff to make all your heads spin right off your bodies. Are you sitting down? According to Forbes, $26,183,375 in salary, bonus, and exercised stock options was deposited into Mr. Krakoff's bank accounts in the fiscal 2006 year. And puppies, this does not even include the $24,361,284 in un-exercised stock options he also received.

It was widely reported in the New York papers and publications that last September Mr. Krakoff and his interior designer wife Delphine purchased another townhouse over on East 70th Street for $17,000,000. This is the same fancy pants block that Mr. Woody Allen and his much younger wife/daughter/whatever currently live in their $25,900,000 townhouse.

So up for sale goes this palace of pulchritude. According to the listing, "an army of French craftsman" carved, fabricated, and worked over this townhouse to within an inch of it's life. The results have been lauded, cheered, and swooned over in peacocky publications like Vogue and House & Garden.

Your Mama rarely comes across a property we'd move into lock stock and barrel. But babies, even though we're not Upper East Side types, we'd pack up our Chelsea duplex and haul it uptown quicker than Jack the Ripper could slit a throat.

The listing states the parquet floors on the first and second floors are Louis XVI and were imported from France. Hunnies, you know it takes some serious effort and cabbage to haul parquet floors across the Atlantic. We're adoring the excessively high ceiling in the living room and that wall of ivy in the back courtyard has us peeing our pants. We're a little curious about the choice for such a petit dining room in such a large house, but as we've mentioned in a previous post, Your Mama actually likes to take our meals in smallish rooms, so it's just fine by us.

Up a floor in the elevator to the second level is a library/loft area leading to a quiet study facing the street. The master suite occupies the entire sweep of the third level. In the en suite, a delicious Louis XVI fireplace, one of nine in the house, is flanked by twin vanities.

On the fourth level, family bedrooms include a large suite with dressing room and en suite, as well as two smaller bedrooms and another bath. No doubt the Krakoff's housed their trio of progeny on this level. While it would work for us because we've only got our two little bitches Linda and Beverly to shelter, we imagine the Krakoffs were looking for a little more square footage for their multiple kiddies in their new townhouse.

Up one more level and the Krakoffs have designed an all-white aerie that is causing Your Mamas pits to sweat and heart to skip a beat or two. We know all that white furniture is totally impractical and impossible to keep clean. And we understand some people find white walls to be stark and unfriendly. But not Your Mama. We're happy to ride on that cloud of plain and peace, thank you very much.

The Krakoff clan is also selling their Bridgehampton beach house. Stay tuned now because we'll be bringing you the 411 on that property in our next post so all you children out there can see how the New York leisure class summers.

Sources: NY Observer, Forbes, Brown Harris Stevens

Welcome to the Jolie-Pitt's Nawlins Nest

BUYER: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt
LOCATION: French Quarter, New Orleans, LA
PRICE: $3,750,000 (list)
SIZE: 7,435 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 4.5 baths in the main house
PROPERTY DESCRIPTION: Exquisite historic early 1830s masonry mansion in prime French Quarter location. Magnificent renovation with beautifully appointed interiors. Gorgeous chandeliers, crown moldings, fireplaces, high ceilings, custom cabinetry, architectural details, grand spiral staircase, elevator, chef's gourmet kitchen with top of the line appliances, private large courtyard and separate two-story guest house, private parking for two cars.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES:We have been getting heaps of emails asking Your Mama if we know anything about Brad and Angelina's new home in New Orleans. After putting some twos and twos together and receiving a little information from our New Orleans know-it-all Sassy Rack, Your Mama thinks we've hit pay dirt. Simmer down children, because we have not yet received confirmation from the listing agent, but we are quite sure this is the house the Jolie-Pitts and their growing collection of multi-culti kiddies now call home in the French Quarter of flood ravaged New Orleans.

This peripatetic pair recently confirmed to US Weekly they have indeed packed up, picked up and high-tailed it out of Malibu and will be living and raising the youngins in Nawlins. Your Mama loves that this couple is globally inclined. And it's terribly chic the way they live in Paris one minute and someplace in Africa the next; Malibu on Monday, New Orleans on Wednesday. But what Your Mama really wants to know is if these two are really planning on sending their kiddies to the public schools in New Orleans? Somehow we think not. Let's be honest, they work this "we are of the people" thing, but we doubt they are that much of the people. Besides it would just be so ugly and tacky to send all those babies to school with their own bodyguards.

Anyhoo, New Orleans is chock full of spectacular and ornate mansions. But Your Mama thinks this one is particularly well suited to these neo-bohemians. The 1830s house was built in an opulent Parisian style and the property contains front and back houses separated by a lush courtyard--a perfect place for the Jolie-Pitt babies to play in private hidden from the prying eyes of the paparazzi and public. The main house stacks up three stories in over 7,000 square feet. This structure includes lavish entertaining rooms, five fireplaces, an elevator, a gorgeous staircase, and a kitchen fit for caterers and hired chefs. Upstairs, the master faces the courtyard and includes a marble bathroom.

The back house is a totally self-contained unit. Which of course is perfect for housing all the staff, nannies, and various assistants these superstars employ. In addition to multiple bedrooms the back house includes its own entrance, kitchen and living areas.

Your Mama is not going to comment much on the furnishings as they belong to the previous owner. This decor is not to Your Mama's taste, but clearly the owners' gay decorator is cultured and educated in the ways of dee-luxe decorating for those living high on the hog.

Now babies, we know the address of this house and all the good stuff, but in the interest of protecting the safety and privacy of this way too public family, we're keeping the information in our vaults. Y'all know how Your Mama feels about the children standing out front of famous peoples' homes. These people have enough trouble without having to deal with that sort of stupid shit. So stay home, enjoy the photos and leave these folks alone for once.

Sources: US Weekly, Celebrific, Prudential Gardner