David LaChapelle's Picture Perfect Place

SELLER: David LaChapelle
LOCATION: Second Avenue, East Village, NYC
PRICE: $1,995,000 (monthly maintenance: $1,677)
SIZE: 1,350 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 1.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This 2 Bedroom corner unit features a grand entry foyer, formal dinning room, and an over sized living room...The dark wood floors serve as a great contrast to the colorful City palette provided by the home's 10 windows. This part-time doorman building features a full time elevator operator and is ideally situated in the heart of the East Village. Additional features are beamed ceilings, crystal doorknobs, original moldings, and imported mosaic tiles.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama is in a cold sweat imagining all the debauched debauchery and big boobies this apartment has surely seen. The wildly successful and reasonably attractive Mr. LaChapelle is best buddies with such downtown and Hollywood luminaries as Pam Anderson, Amanda Lepore, and those queer boys from Heatherette. And, apparently, they all like to get together, strip down, and take pictures.

The photographer's work bends heavily towards the soo-real and he's photographed just about every over-bronzed, over injected, and over implanted female celebrity (or tranny female celebrity) that's walked the hallowed streets of Hollywood and Manhattan in the last 20 years. And hunnies, you know all these ladies is almost always half nekkied in the pictures, their little nippies just about poking our eyes out from the pages of all the glossy magazines. Often as not, these ladies are not only nekkid as the day they was born but doing something suggestive, naughty, and/or taboo. Your Mama loves that shit!

Anyhoo, the apartment we are going to discuss is being sold as a "celebrity lair" by the Prudential Douglas Elliman listing agents and it was confirmed to to Your Mama by the listing agent herself that this apartment is in fact the personal residence of Mr. LaChapelle. Of course he no doubt has himself a big studio where he does his picture taking, but this east village aerie is where he entertains his intimate friends and lays his head down at night.

This 6th floor apartment has lovely light and open views from the East, West and North. It also happens to be located in one of the very best buildings in all of the East Village, just a hop, skip, and jump from the venerable Veselka restaurant and also just a few minutes walk to Tompkins Square Park where you can visit the dog run and score a little dope all at the same time. Okay all you old-school East Village types, cool it. We know Tompkins Square ain't what it used to be and is now just about over run with Marc Jacobs clad mommies pushing wildly expensive Bugaboo strollers. But Your Mama has it on very good authority that you can still fix your itch here iffin you know who to talk to.

Anyhoo, we mostly feel quite positive about this apartment and, if not for the bathroom situation, we might even feel we could live here. Your Mama loves that green striped bathroom as it looks like a very interesting and colorful place to clean up, floss and do one's dirty bizness, and we appreciate the private half bath in the second bedroom. But we are a mite confused as to which room is the master and which is for guests. Also, the closets space is on the slim side which is problematic for all the obvious reasons.

Even still, y'all know how Your Mama appreciates and adores a big entrance hall like that. No need to have the messenger people know what sort of furniture and money you have. Of course, the dark floors and the white walls also make us grin with glee. The living room acts as a perfectly calm and balanced space against the filth and chaos of Noo York City, and Your Mama thinks Mr. LaChapelle (or his gay decorator) did and most excellent job in here. Mostly anyway.

We are, however, a little disconcerted with the large painting in the bedroom. We just barely qualified to critique the artwork babies, but we do know that painting would give Your Mama quite a fright in the middle of the night. Imagine rolling over and catching a glimpse of that while half asleep? Hunny, in a sleep haze we'd be all freaked out thinking there was some crazy dancing ladies up in the bedroom trying to steal our damn jewelry. So, all due respect Mr. LaChapelle hunny, that painting would need to go if we were ever to get a good nights rest in your crib.

We're also not convinced on the choice of coverlets in the bedrooms. We are however respecting the choice to have each of the bedrooms use coverlets of the same fabric only in a different color. That sort of uniformity makes Your Mama feel calm inside.

Now babies, this place has been on the market for quite some time, so one of you New York readers with a little dough should do Mr. LaChapelle and the real estate agents a favor and buy this place.

Sources: Prudential Douglas Elliman