George Hamilton Is Flipping Out in West Palm Beach

SELLER: George Hamilton
LOCATION: N. Flagler Drive, West Palm Beach, FL
PRICE: $1,200,000
SIZE: 1,797 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Stellar 2 BR, 2 BA celebrity waterfront completely re-done from the floor up! Dazzling 36" x 36" white glass tiles throughout. Sensational, spacious LR. European style Kit. w/ built-in Miele coffee maker, wine cooler. New Lg screen TVs, sound system, game set up. Fully furnished with professional decorator flair. Ultramodern baths. East and west balconies.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Since tomorrow will be the 70th birthday of dashing, debonair and perma-tanned actor George Hamilton, it seems only appropriate to discuss the West Palm Beach condominium he recently put on the market with an asking price of $1,200,000.

The devoutly tawny and usually be-tuxed Mister Hamilton–a pal of legendary ladees like Joan Collins and footwear fanatic Imelda Marcos–was one of the last of the contract players at MGM and in the 1960s starred in films like Home From the Hill, Angel Baby and Light in the Piazza. After a professional dry spell that started in the late sixties and stretched clear through the 1970s, he solidified his persona and reputation as a conspicuously bronzed and somewhat campy, highly likable and wonderfully louche jet setter who swanned around with the rich, the famous and the rich and famous. In the early eighties he made a brief but lauded come back in Zorro, the Gay Blade, in the mid-1980s he appeared on one season of Dynasty, and in the mid-1990s he hosted a fantastically bad daytime talk show with his ex-wife Alana Stewart. In 2005 he busted up his knee during the second season of that insanely popular but deeply upsetting program Dancing With The Stars and his most recent credits are as "Ned's Father" on the canceled tee-vee program Pushing Daisies and as an "Audience" member of the 2008 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. Oh Jeezis, Mary and Jehosephat. We're sure he enjoyed watching all them six foot phillies working the runway in their scanty panties, but it makes Your Mama sad that Mister Hamilton's career has come down to being "Audience" at the Victoria Secret Fashion Show.

Anyhoo, we first learned of Mister Hamilton's listing from an elegant gentleman we'll call P.B. Squealer who claimed that Mister Hamilton picked up the 2 bedroom and 2 pooper condo at the Waterview Towers on N. Flagler Drive in May of 2008 for $525,000. Property records support P.B.'s assertion.

Both P.B. and listing information indicate that after buying the 1,797 square foot unit Mister Hamilton–or his people–oversaw a major overhaul of the 15th floor apartment that included installing several flat scree boob-toobs, a sound system, a game setup (could Mister Hamilton like to work the Wii?), and white glass tile floors that P.B. heard through the nabobish Worth Avenue gossip grapevine cost Mister Hamilton somewhere in the neighborhood of $100,000.

Listing information says that the apartment, which is being sold furnished, was all did up "with professional decorator flair." We don't know about that, but we do know that Mister Hamilton's condo has both east and west exposures, two balconies and a spacious living room with a white sectional sofa littered with a rainbow flag of pillows that, quite frankly, looks more like the lobby of a clothing optional guest house in West Hollywood than a million dollar condo in West Palm Beach.

We're perfectly puzzled by the unholy combination of the Art Deco-ish wall mirror and the faux-Frank Gehry-esque bentwood room chairs that have been pull up to a glass table with stainless steel (or maybe they're nickel) legs in the dining room but we're comfortable with the sleek kitchen that includes chocolate (or maybe ebony) cabinets, a tremendous tri-doored refrigerator that makes us go weak in the knees, a wine cooler and one of those built in Miele coffee makers that are all the rage in high end kitchen designs. Since Your Mama makes coffee the old-fashioned way in a Cemex, we don't see the appeal of all these complicated coffee contraptions. But then again, we've never used one either so what do we know?

Now then, let's quickly discuss the "ultramodern" poopers. All that glass tile is nice but those soup bowl sinks are way too trendy and definitely not our cup of tea. We've also got a beef with the photo of the terlit and naughty bits washer. Was this necessary? Does anyone really want to look at that half roll of terlit paper and think about Mister Hamilton sitting there doing his dirty bizness? No, of course not. Listing to Your Mama on this one real estate people: Iffin the terlit happens to be in a photo of the bathroom, that's fine, but a photo of the terlit itself is a no-no.

We know that many of the children will decry West Palm Beach as déclassé and decidedly not–now say this with a locked jaw chickens–the reeeuhl Palm Beach, but Mister Hamilton really has little or nothing to prove real estate-wise given that over his many years he has owned or occupied a number of notable properties including an 18-room Antebellum mansion on a 250-acre plantation in Natchez, Mississippi, Charlie Chaplin's old house on Summit Drive in Beverly Hills, a two-unit combo-condo on the 23rd floor of the celebrity stuffed Sierra Towers building in West Hollywood and sometime prior to that he inhabited Grayhall Manor, a legendary residential extravaganza on Carolyn Way that is often referenced as the second oldest estate in Beverly Hills and where Douglas Fairbanks lived while building nearby Pickfair. It was later the home of Herbalife founder Mark Hughes and is widely rumored to have an underground tunnel that leads to Pickfair. Although we don't know at what property Mister Hamilton currently parks his Corniche, we do know that in November of 2008 he paid $1,100,000 for a two bedroom, 1,863 square foot condo in a full service but non-descript building in Los Angeles along the Wilshire Corridor near Westwood and the campus of UCLA.