Lindsay Lohan Goes to the Beach

WHO: Lindsay Lohan
WHAT: A House in Venice
HOW MUCH: $7,100 per month
HOW BIG: 3,100 square feet, 4, bedrooms 3.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Yes, children, we know we are unfashionably late to this fiesta but brace yourselves anyway because in the interest of keeping up with the celebrity real estate Joneses Your Mama must discuss tabloid queen Lindsay Lohan and her new rental residence in Venice, CA.

As the world knows, Miss Lohan was sprung from the Betty Ford Center this week were she spent a few court ordered months drying out, sobering up and–Your Mama hopes–getting her damn head screwed on straight. By all accounts and about a billion reports Miss Lohan and her unnaturally turgid kisser did not return to the excessively cluttered 2-bedroom apartment in a Hollywood hi-rise that she'd been renting the last year or so but rather to a glass fronted contemporary single family house in Venice last listed with an asking price of $7,100 per month.

With the kind assistance of Babbling Babette Your Mama managed to tease a listing out of the internets for Miss Lohan's new loft-like rental residence located just a few short blocks from the freaky and fab Venice Beach Boardwalk where–for better and worse–there are more leather skinned roller skaters bobbing and weaving along the beach than anywhere else in the world.

The nearly new 3-story house has an airy living room with double height ceiling, poured concrete floors, a forged steel fireplace and a wall of huge windows and folding glass panels that open to a small south-facing patio pressed hard up against the sidewalk at the front of the property. While this makes for dramatic displays of southern light, it's not exactly the best choice for a gal who might want a wee bit of privacy from the paps and the public. But, let's be honest chickens, poor Miss Lohan needs the paps right now to keep her name in the news and to help resurrect her once promising but now moribund career.

Listing information for Miss Lohan's beach digs show there are 4 bedrooms and 3.5 poopers spread throughout the approximately 3,100 square foot abode. A well equipped kitchen has mahogany cabinetry, mosaic tile back splash and a full compliment of high grade stainless steel appliances even though Your Mama imagines that Miss Lohan is unlikely to fix more than a fried up up in there. A floating staircase with mahogany treads climbs up to a mezzanine office area that overlooks the living room. The children will note that the staircase does not appear to have a handrail, a situation that could get pretty dicey if Miss Lohan, bless her heart, falls of the wagon.

While the front of the house offers little in the way of real privacy–or at least the sort of privacy a thinking person might quite understandably think a pap magnet like Miss Lohan would want in the days and months after leaving rehab for the 49th time–the property does provide a roof terrace with city and mountain views and private parking for two cars that will allow Miss Lohan to enter and exit the residence without fear of having her naughty bits photographed as she steps out of a car.

Remember those days, bunnies, when all those celebutantes and celebutards where running around town in micro-minis with no panties and having their fully waxed vajayjays photographed by the paps? Let's not, pretty please, have a resurgence of that lurid gossip glossy trend.

Anyhoodles poodles, from her new perch in Venice Miss Lohan will begin to piece together the shattered pieces of her life and career. This might not be so simple as there are a myriad of reports that indicate that Miss Lohan's new crib sits right up next to that of her former ladee-lover–that would be celebrity DJ Sam Ronson–with whom she has had a tumultuous (and tragicomic) on again/off again relationship. Miss Ronson was reportedly overheard saying that Miss Lohan moving in next door was not planned and that she was pissed about the situation. If those reports are accurate–and we have no idea whatsoever if they are–then little Miss Lohan is looking more and more like a lunatic ex-lover who can't let sleeping dogs lie, iffin you know what we mean.

In all sincerity Your Mama wishes Miss Lohan all the best in her new sobriety. In that spirit we're going to offer the wee lassie some free and unsolicited advice: Keep your skinny ass out of the clubs. The moment you step a high-heeled foot in Voyeur or Forty Deuce or whatever damn club where the young, drunk and famous are hanging about is the moment Your Mama knows you ain't serious about staying sober. Seriously, gurl, get it together because this just may be your last chance to hold on to whatever shred of dignity you might have left.

listing photos: Coldwell Banker–Marina del Rey