Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr Double Whammy

Amid rumors there was a bun up in her oven, Australian supermodel Miranda Kerr married actor Orlando Bloom (Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean franchises) in a secret ceremony in an undisclosed location in July of 2010. Turns out the scuttlebutt was true and just this week the comely couple became the proud parents of a bouncing baby boy. Mazel tov, darlings.

In early November of 2010, shortly before Baby Bloom pushed his way down Miss Kerr's birth canal, the brar and panty model put her 904-square foot one-bedroom bachelorette pad in the Flatiron District of Manhattan on the market with an asking price of $1,395,000.


Information available on Streeteasy shows that Miss Kerr, a striking beauty with wide-set eyes, bee-stung lips and a body that makes men randy and women weep, scooped up her apartment at the high-concept and eponymous Jade Jagger designed Jade building in September of 2007 for $1,084,436. The tenth floor corner unit (above) carries common charges and taxes that total $1,904 per month according to listing information.

The Jade building has penthouse-level terraces for the exclusive use of residents and their guests that include amenities such as a reflecting pool, soaking tubs, indoor fitness facilities and the Lapis Lounge, a Moroccan-themed space with large flat screen tee-vee that residents and invited guests can crowd around most nights of the week to watch one Bravo reality program or another.

A high-gloss ebony-colored central pod at the center of Miss Kerr's wee pad acts as the main organizing feature and contains storage space, a laundry closet, a petite pooper and an efficiency kitchen, all of which can be hidden or exposed by series of doors and folding panels. A long and generously wide entrance hall runs past the hidden kitchenette into a the main living space, a 26-foot long living/dining room with floor to ceiling windows, built in cabinetry and two Juliet balconies so narrow they can't even be stood upon.

A short hall shoots off from the entry, past the bathroom and into the bedroom area that also connects to the living/dining room. Our Feng Shui expert Willy Wongka tells us that the circular plan of Miss Kerr's crib allows from the free and easy flow of Qi.

A folding panel on the living room side of the central pod opens to reveal a provocative floor to ceiling glass panel in the over-sized shower, and architectural conceit that probably helps to keep the otherwise windowless pooper from feeling claustrophobic.

Many reports indicate that Miss Kerr has lately been living in Los Angeles with her new huzband Mister Bloom and Your Mama recently heard through the celebrity gossip grapevine that Mister Bloom, Miss Kerr and Baby Bloom currently stay in Venice but, honestly chickens, we can't verify that so we don't suggest repeating it like it's some sort of celebrity real estate gospel. What is clear is that the young family have done decamped from Mister Bloom's gated residence in the Outpost Estates neighborhood in the Hollywood Hills because that house has recently hit the market as a furnished lease with monthly rent of $18,000.
Property records show Mister Bloom forked over $2,750,000 in March of 2007 for the privately situated 3,248 square foot domicile that sits on a nearly three-quarter-acre lot and includes 4 bedrooms and 4 poopers. According to The Movieland Directory, the property was formerly owned and/or occupied by the heavenly Helen Reddy and later by actor Thomas Gibson (Dharma & Greg). Shortly after buying the ranch style house, in a brazen blaze of Chutzpah, Mister Bloom painted the exterior charcoal grey. In Your Mama's humble and meaningless opinion the dark paint both modernised the not-particularly-notable exterior articulation and gave it an alluringly sinister appeal.

It was here at this house in the Outpost Estates where Mister Bloom was burglarized in 2009 by the so-called Bling Ring, a pathetic rag tag bunch of teenagers from upscale suburban Los Angeles communities. The Bling Ring made off with upwards of half a million bucks worth of Mister Bloom and Miss Kerr's merchandise including artwork and fancy watches, some of which has yet to be returned. If it didn't then, the Mister Bloom's property now has an extensive security system complete with closed-circuit cameras. Any of those stoopid Bling Ring copycat types who get the damn fool notion to walk up on this property can be assured they will be filmed, arrested and tossed in the slammer like that moronic Alexis Neiers gurl.

Anyhoo, a long gated drive winds up and around to a motor court, garage and a stunning set of double-honed walnut doors set into a glass-curtain wall that encloses the organic but thoroughly modern looking entrance hall. Listing information indicates the "artistic" one-story residence includes multiple entertaining areas and a den/library/bedroom off the kitchen with private pooper and separate entrance. Listing information goes on to reveal that the "unique & so hip" gore-may kitchen features custom walnut and cherry cabinetry, vaulted and sky-lit ceiling, and a cozy sitting area in front of a fireplace surrounded by a full wall of custom wood cabinets.

The master suite, which has a huge walk-in closet and large private facilities with separate tub and shower, opens to the backyard area where a classic kidney-shaped swimming pool and lagoon-style spa are tucked into thick and refreshingly unruly collection of foliage. A nearby dining terrace has a built in barbecue center and another set of table and chairs has been set on a gravel pad underneath a pergola structure.

Presumably, if they haven't already, Mister Bloom and Miss Kerr will soon settle into a more permanent residence where they can bring up Baby Bloom. Wherever that may be we can all be assured the property will be outfitted with the most sophisticated and expensive security systems money can buy.

listing photos (Kerr): Conquest Advistors
listing photos (Bloom): Coldwell Banker Previews International