Hippity Hop Hilfiger in da Hamptons

SELLER: Tommy Hilfiger
LOCATION: Further Lane, East Hampton, NY
PRICE: $24,500,000
SIZE: 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: New listed ocean front home on coveted Further Lane in East Hampton Village. This modern home includes 5 bedrooms, 5.5 baths, a media room, Boffi kitchen, double height living room, and an outdoor mahogany pavilion, complete with fireplace. The resort-inspired paradise offers a vanishing edge pool with forever Atlantic views and its own private boardwark leading to 154 feet of pristine ocean frontage. Extremely private. Extremely special.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Have you ever wondered how it is the very rich become stupendously rich? Well pay attention babies, I'm about to tell you one of the many ways: the high end real estate flip. Mr. Tommy Hilfiger, who very successfuly sells white people's clothes to black people, is a very rich man, and sometime in May or June of 2006 he purchased this oceanfront property for $17,000,000 from eyeglass entrepreneur Robert Marc and his boyfriend. According to realestatejournal.com he did "some renovations and took a trip to Bali to oversee the design of custom furniture."

And then in mid-october, 5 short months after purchasing, he puts the house back on the market for $24,500,000. That would be $7,500,000 more than he paid for it. Yes, children, you read that correctly. And that price does not include the (custom) furniture which can be negotiated separately should you be so inclined.

But hunnies, gather round and come in close 'cause Your Mama is going to tell you something these rich people on Further Lane would prefer you not know. See, this area has a deep dark secret. All you homos looking to marry up or those who just like to have sex with rich (and probably married) men, head on down to the beach at 2-Mile Hollow. Yes babies, when the sun goes down, the dunes here are simply crawling with gays looking for a little al fresco fornication. And Mr. Tommy's for-sale house has a ring-side seat for viewing all the action.

MORE NOTES ON FURTHER LANE: Even with the cruising, Further Lane is indeed one of THE most exclusive and expensive streets in the Hamptons. Jerry Seinfeld has a $35,000,000 property here he bought from Billy Joel and then proceeded to gut, renovate and add a baseball field. The deMenil-Carpenter family is rumored to be quietly shopping their 35-acre oceanfront property with 7 historic structures for $100,000,000+. Not to worry for them, they have another outrageous oceanfront Further Lane property built in the 1980's by Gwathmey Siegal. But perhaps best of all for the billionaire summering set, the super-exclusive, lily-whites-only Maidstone Club is located at the end of the street.

Model apartment

SELLER: Naomi Campbell
LOCATION: 500 Park Avenue, NYC
PRICE: $4,950,000 (taxes and maintenance $6,995/month)
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 3.5 baths, approx. 3,100 sq. ft.
DESCRIPTION: (dramatically reduced from the listing agent's website) Enter your private floor through the double doors into the oversized living room with an array of windows...The windowed, well-proportioned professional chefs kitchen is appointed with stainless steel appliances plus a generous pantry and storage space. A separate staff entrance plus laundry room with ample storage space...The ensuite master bath resembles a luxurious yacht with the use of teak wood, marble steam shower with European jets plus a 4-person sunken marble jacuzzi, bidet and double vanity...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Yes puppies, this is the scene of two of the (alleged) crimes. Miss Naomi purchaed this apartment only in 2005, but after a couple run-ins with the help that resulted in some legal trouble for the phone throwing catwalker, she decided to move on downtown. According to Braden Keil of the NY Post, Miss Naomi has already purchased a one bedroom apartment and has gone into contract for a second two-bedroom apartment at the Cipriani Club Residences (55 Wall Street).

It might be interesting to note here, that the listing agent for this apartment was none other than Rapheal DeNiro, son of Robert.

Now babies, even though this aparment is located in an ugly building a little too close to Midtown for our liking, there are many positive points to note. We love those high ceilings and windows, the cantilevered master (even if we don't understand the engineering), the tucked away guest suite, all that closet space, the bidet in the staff bath...and more.

There are however a few other items Your Mama would like to point out. 1) While all that shiny wood in the bathroom and the kitchen makes us weak in the knees, just imagine the time it takes your maid to keep it polished...you must need a girl just for that task alone. 2) It may be a wee bit tough to see in the photo of the kitchen, but can y'all see what's hanging above the stove? Yes children, that is a long row of big knives. You did NOT want to be in the kitchen if and when Miss Naomi had one of her (alleged) caniption fits and started throwing things. 3) That four person, orgy friendly jacuzzi in the master bathroom...well, enough said on that topic.

We really do wish Miss Naomi some peace and quiet in her life and new digs. And baby girl, no more living with your maid or assistant or whatever. It's just not good for you. You would be better off learning to call your own car service and folding your own clothes. Seriously.

Macy in the Valley

SELLER: Macy Grey
LOCATION: Encino, CA
PRICE: $5,559,000
SIZE: 7 bedrooms, 9.5 baths
DESCRIPTION: Ideally located south of Ventura in the heart of Encino Estates, this one of a kind home offers gated privacy, natural tranquility and dynamic living spaces. Just past the circular driveway, a grand colonial home awaits. The true center-hall floorplan is flanked by dual Presidential staircases and capped with a dome ceiling. Warm and artistic flair flows througout the home. Both formal and informal rooms create perfect entertaining area with a true gourmet kitchen. Over an acre of luch park-like grounds with guesthouse.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Oh hunnies, you can see now why Miss Macy is always sporting a pair of dark glasses. That woman's retinas are burned from walking around in her own damn house. All that orange and red paint is making me nauseous. Don't get me wrong puppies, I like Macy's music and I have no issue with the wacky tabacky it's rumored she likes so much...Your Mama is no stranger to the puff puff see, but honestly, this house is just too much for my nerves.

Your Mama is sorry girl, but there is just no excuse for your house looking like this. You are a rich and famous lady now. So when in Rome do as the Romans and go get yourself a fancy gay decorator to help you put your next house together. I'd be happy to give you some recommendations.

The house itself is gigantic with more almost 10,000 square feet of living space and sits on nearly an acres of not so choice land--it's on a busy street and the property backs up to a school so you know that can get a little noisy at recess. The entry is gran-dee-ose with a double staircaise and a domed ceiling according to the mls listing. The LA Times Hot Properties column says the house is listed around $4,600,000. Not sure if the priced has been raised or if that's just a mistake.