Model apartment

SELLER: Naomi Campbell
LOCATION: 500 Park Avenue, NYC
PRICE: $4,950,000 (taxes and maintenance $6,995/month)
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 3.5 baths, approx. 3,100 sq. ft.
DESCRIPTION: (dramatically reduced from the listing agent's website) Enter your private floor through the double doors into the oversized living room with an array of windows...The windowed, well-proportioned professional chefs kitchen is appointed with stainless steel appliances plus a generous pantry and storage space. A separate staff entrance plus laundry room with ample storage space...The ensuite master bath resembles a luxurious yacht with the use of teak wood, marble steam shower with European jets plus a 4-person sunken marble jacuzzi, bidet and double vanity...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Yes puppies, this is the scene of two of the (alleged) crimes. Miss Naomi purchaed this apartment only in 2005, but after a couple run-ins with the help that resulted in some legal trouble for the phone throwing catwalker, she decided to move on downtown. According to Braden Keil of the NY Post, Miss Naomi has already purchased a one bedroom apartment and has gone into contract for a second two-bedroom apartment at the Cipriani Club Residences (55 Wall Street).

It might be interesting to note here, that the listing agent for this apartment was none other than Rapheal DeNiro, son of Robert.

Now babies, even though this aparment is located in an ugly building a little too close to Midtown for our liking, there are many positive points to note. We love those high ceilings and windows, the cantilevered master (even if we don't understand the engineering), the tucked away guest suite, all that closet space, the bidet in the staff bath...and more.

There are however a few other items Your Mama would like to point out. 1) While all that shiny wood in the bathroom and the kitchen makes us weak in the knees, just imagine the time it takes your maid to keep it polished...you must need a girl just for that task alone. 2) It may be a wee bit tough to see in the photo of the kitchen, but can y'all see what's hanging above the stove? Yes children, that is a long row of big knives. You did NOT want to be in the kitchen if and when Miss Naomi had one of her (alleged) caniption fits and started throwing things. 3) That four person, orgy friendly jacuzzi in the master bathroom...well, enough said on that topic.

We really do wish Miss Naomi some peace and quiet in her life and new digs. And baby girl, no more living with your maid or assistant or whatever. It's just not good for you. You would be better off learning to call your own car service and folding your own clothes. Seriously.