Real Estate Pornography IV

SELLER: Donald Trump
LOCATION: 502 Park Avenue (Trump Park Avenue), New York
PRICE: $30,000,000, soon to be $42,000,000
SIZE: currently 5,284 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCTRIPTION: Duplex penthouse sitting on the 31st and 32nd floor of the Trump Park Avenue (formerly the Delmonico Hotel). The lavish apartment has views in all four directions front dozens of windows. A sweeping double staircase connects the two floors with the lower floor being devoted to private bedroom quarters and the upper floor comprising a massive, loft like living/dining/library/study. The apartment inlcudes a private elevator and two massive terraces on the 31st floor.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Babies, there are just so many things wrong with this apartment it is no wonder Donald Trump has, according to Braden Keil of the NY Post's Gimme Shelter column, decided to blow the roof off this penthouse, add a few thousand square feet and (hopefully) rearrange the layout in hopes of finding a high-flying buyer.

Let's point ourselves at the good first. Your Mama loves an apartment that is located high in a building, has loads of glass and requires you wear sunglasses while having your morning coffee. We love the private elevator because some nights there's just not enough left in our body to climb stairs. We're also appreciating the his/her (or his/his, her/her) bathrooms in the master. And of course the terraces are divine.

Now for the bad children. Your Mama is well aware that when you get up in the towers and penthouses of these old buildings, the floor space often gets squeezed and awkward with all the elevator shafts and stairs taking up space. But seriously now, Mr. Donald Trump had plenty of money to have his people do better than this.

It may or may not be true that New Yorkers do not cook in their kitchens. What is true however, is that either way, we want functional suburban-sized cheffing stations. If for nothing else, the caterers need some room to move. No doubt this kitchen is well equipped, but babies, it's just 9 feet wide. You get Your Mamas big 0le butt up in there and there's no room for anyone else.

And the terraces. Well, as we said, they are divine. But do the children notice that you must access the larger of the two through a bedroom? That's just not right in this price range. What happens if you want to BBQ? Do you traipse all through this place with a cookie sheet loaded down with ribs? Do you lower the meat down on a rope while hanging out one of the upstairs windows near the kitchen?

As for the master bedroom, well hunnies, it's lovely with it's double exposure and yards of closet space, but don't you think it's a wee bit small? Yes, Your Mama does too.

Note to Mr. Donald Trump: Now that your gearing up to re-work this place, we over here at Real Estalker think you've seen the error of your floorplan ways and would like to applaud you for taking the steps to remedy the wrongs with this, up-until-now, unsellable penthouse.