Oprah Has A Big Fake Tree In Her Solarium?

SELLER: Oprah Winfrey
LOCATION: 32nd floor penthouse, Water Tower Place, Chicago
PRICE: $5,400,000
SIZE: 6,500 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: A mansion in the sky. Newly completed 6,500 duplex penthouse. Incredible vistas of lake, city, and pier from every room. Grand 2-story entry with sweeping staircase to observatory room with 19 foot ceiling surrounded by glass and 2,000 square foot private terrace. Five en-suite bedrooms, 2 fireplaces, theater room, office, magnificent custom finishes and floor plan. Two car garage. Fabulous!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama thinks we have hit the mother load here children. We had to pour ourselves a tall, stiff drink when we located this listing. Because babies, Your Mama thinks you are looking at photographs of the inside of Miss Oprah Winfrey's fabled duplex penthouse apartment.

Now babies, some reports say this lady owns four apartments in this building. And some reports say she has combined multiple apartments into one jumbo penthouse. Other reports say her duplex is a whopping 10,000 square feet. And this apartment is none of those things; it is, according to the listing, a single, penthouse duplex with 6,500 square feet of interior space.

But children, ask yourself. Be honest. Who else would have a gigantic fake tree up in her house? Do you know what effort and cost it is to drag all those simulated leaves and branches up to the 32nd floor of a classy building in downtown Chicago? Now babies, we love Oprah as much as anyone else, and we know she does so much good work around the world she's giving Mother Theresa a run for her reputation, but Your Mama is just positive that phony foliage was not a very good decorating choice. We do not think one should move into a 32nd floor of a luxury building and feel like you're the Swiss Family Robinson living up in a damn tree.

Anyhoo, let us tell you why Your Mama thinks this penthouse is the current home of one of the world's richest and most famous women. 1.) Everybody knows Oprah lives in a large duplex penthouse at Water Tower Place. 2.) In addition to the penthouse shown in the photos above, the penthouse next door is also for sale (list price, $5,987,900). And babies, you have to know that Oprah probably owns that penthouse too, right? 3.) How many penthouses can there be in this building, and what's the likelihood two come to market at the very same time Miss Oprah is moving out of her penthouse? 4.) Everybody knows she is indeed moving house into a swanky building over by the lake with her mustachioed man friend. And 5.) That tree.

Some here at the Real Estalker think the furniture looks flavorless, cheap, and not befitting of the filthy rich, chatty billionairess, who also owns a very classy $50,000,000 weekend house in Montecito, California. But it is Your Mama's opinion this apartment has likely been staged and that Miss Oprah has already moved into her new apartment. You know why? Because you just know this lady is not going to tolerate a bunch of snotty rich bitches coming up into her house talking about everything that's wrong with it...like that damn tree.

As always, we'll stay on the story babies and let you know if we're able to suss out any additional information or confirmations. Now Your Mama is tired and we're going to go get ourselves another drink and settle into the sofa for a long night of T.V. watching with our dachshunds Linda and Beverly.

Is Oprah Moving Here?

BUYER: Oprah Winfrey
LOCATION: E. Lake Shore, Chicago
PRICE: $5,600,000 (purchase); $5,995,000 (list)
SIZE: 5,000 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Benjamin Marshall's jewel with the architectural grandeur of the French "flat" from the beaux-arts period. 5,000 square feet with lake views from the living room, library, and master suite. Meticulously renovated with custom cabinetry, hand painted decoration, quality finishes, 2 bedrooms plus office or third bedroom. Master suite is 1,241 square feet with sunny terrace (6' x 14'). 2 car garage.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Now babies, before we get ourselves all worked up into a lather over this, let us drop this caveat...the Real Estalker can not be 100% sure this is the apartment Ms. Oprah is reported to have purchased. So we're all on the same page, let us tell you how we arrived at this conclusion.

Your Mama was surfing the web and read a post on cele-bitchy about how Ms. Oprah and that boyfriend of hers with the mustache are going to be moving in together. We also read here she would be selling her mammoth bachelorette pad, a 5-combined-apartments duplex at Water Tower Place, and the happy couple would be moving into another, smaller place together. After a little more investigating, Your Mama came across an article by a lady named Virgina Soto on website about Chicago stuff that contained a little more information about the size and location of the apartment.

So we were off and running, frantically searching for more information and photos for all the Oprah loving children. At first Your Mama was thinking this multi-billionaire gabber was snapping up one of the places at the new, posh Palmolive Building where it is said Vince Vaughan recently purchased. But after viewing a few listings and floor plans, we determined this could not be the building.

Next we found an available duplex apartment in a very swank, very old-Chicago-money building. Lahwd children, Your Mama's blood started to race. But alas, this was not the correct apartment. Then, babies, like an angel coming down from the heavens, there it was, right in front of Your Mama's eyeballs.

Located in the very same swank, old-money building as the duplex above-mentioned, was the actual listing for the apartment shown in the photographs above. Right number of rooms. Right neighborhood. Right square footage. Right price. Right sort of building with the right kind of neighbors like design diva Holly Hunt and high-end jeweler Deborah Friedman. And it was marked SOLD for $5,600,000. Bingo!

Your Mama can't be sure children, but we are pretty damn sure this is where the first lady of talk television will be setting up house with her man Steadman Graham. We'll stay on this story babies, and bring you any updates (or retractions) as necessary.

Real Estate Pornography IV

SELLER: Lachlan Murdoch
LOCATION: 11 Spring Street, NYC
PRICE: $14,750,000 (list price)
SIZE: Mammoth

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In case you babies did not know, Lachlan Murdoch is the elder son of media mogul/billionaire Rupert Murdoch. The younger Mr. Murdoch bought this property in the red-hot NoLiTa neighborhood, hired a fancy architecture firm, and began to renovate. But before getting very far, this boy/man decided to move back to Australia, putting this building back on the market for a stupefying $9,500,000 more than he paid. His daddy obviously taught him how to make the money.

Your Mama agrees with Mr. Lockhart Steele and our pals over at Curbed who have included this property in their year-end wrap up under the headline "Real Estate Porn of the Year." The floorplans make Your Mama sweaty and weak in the knees.

We think the folks at Curbed did a amazing job presenting and commentating on this property, so Your Mama is just going to sit back, relax, and send you over to their awesome site so you can have a look-see at how the lucky, lucky children of billionaires live.

From Bubble Hill to Beverly Park

SELLER: Eddie Murphy
LOCATION: Englewood, New Jersey
PRICE: $14,990,000 (reduced from $22,000,000, which was reduced from $30,000,000)
SIZE: 5 acres, 25,000 square feet
DESCRIPTION: This magnificent home is set on 5 exquisite gated acres in beautiful East Hill Englewood. Convenient to major airports and NYC. The house is beautifully built. Music studio, pool, bowling alley, and much, much more.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Settle down children, Your Mama knows this property has been in the news and on the websites plenty in the past, so we're aware you already know it's for sale. But we thought we'd give it another go around since Mr. Murphy 1.) is having trouble selling this place, 2.) is getting dee-vorced, and 3.) is having trouble with that Spice-lady who has a baby up in her she claims is the seed of Mr. Murphy.

Hunnies, we know it's none of our beeswax of course, but we just can't help expressing our opinion and think this probably is his offspring. You know why? Because it was only days before she announced she was bumped up with a child that Mr. Murphy was declaring his undying love for the Spice-lady in all the papers. So you know they were all up in each others business. Your Mama thinks this man just did not want to have yet another child as he's already got half a dozen to support, not to mention a couple of baby-mommas he's already paying out to.

Anyhoo, we digress. Mr. Murphy's estate, located at the intesection of three streets in the ritzy section of Englewood called East Hill, is known as "Bubble Hill," and has been for sale since sometime in 2004. The listing agent, a very nice woman by the name of Mary Lenk, has been tirelessly trying to unload this place for the beleaguered actor ever since. The massive house sits on 5 manicured acres, includes 7 bedrooms, 9 full baths and 4 half baths. There is a music studio, indoor pool with skylighted roof, a bowling alley, and reportedly a mini-theatre. Some website called ringsurf.com claims the taxes alone for this property are close to $200,000 per year. The asking price started at $30,000,000 and has been reduced several times to it's current asking price.

Now babies, we know all the children are thinking, "Who would pay this amount of money for a house up in New Jersey?" And you know what? You people are probably right. After searching the other listings in the prestigious East Hill area, Your Mama has determined a very nice house can be had for closer to $4,000,000 in this neck of the woods. Ms. Lenk, all due respect girl, but can we see the comparables?

Your Mama was starting to feel a bit sorry for this man...after all he's getting a dee-vorce from his current wife Nicole Mitchell, he's got that Spice-lady on his back asking for a paternity test, and he can't sell this big ol' house. But folks, let's not cry us a river here. Mr. Murphy has himself a Golden Globe nomination for that "Dreamgirls" film, has many, many projects in the hopper, AND still has a mansion up in the super-exclusive enclave of Beverly Park in Beverly Hills...so it can't be all that bad for him.

The House Gossip Bought, West Coast Style

SELLER: Leeza Gibbons / Stephen Meadows
LOCATION: West Hollywood, CA
PRICE: $7,995,000
SIZE: 8 bedrooms, 6.5 baths
DESCRIPTION: Very convenient location, set behind gates, up a long drive on a little over 1 acre of lush landscape. Grand Mediterranean. Completely renovated and remodeled. Reflects original architecture with elegantly applied carved moldings, stone, hardwood, iron fixtures, etc. 2.5 story guesthouse built in 2000 features state of the art studio/office/bedroom.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES (UPDATED): Babies, you know we have to give credit where credit is due. See, Your Mama did the research and put 2 and 2 together all on our own, BUT we soon realized we were not the first to report the sale of the Gibbons/Meadows property...that honor would go to Ben Casselman over at the Wall Street Journal Online.

Anyhoo, this estate, located just north of Hollywood Boulevard, is one of Hollywoods grande dames. According to the listing agent at Sotheby's in Beverly Hills, this property comes with a pedigree as it was once owned by wire-hanger-hating Joan Crawford.

More recently it has been owned and lovingly restored by ex-talking head Leeza Gibbons and her architect/actor/artist/Parabounce inventor husband Stephen Meadows. Before we move on here, Your Mama just wants to say something directly to Ms. Gibbons...hunny, your man is making Your Mama weak in the knees with that mustache of his. Lahwd woman, no wonder you were always smiling at me from the television.

Ms. Gibbons, formerly of Entertainment Tonight, is one busy lady. Your Mama is plain worn down and out of breathe just thinking about how full this lady's plate is. Instead of talking about celebrities on the TV, Ms. Gibbon now talks about them on the radio every weekend on her show called "Hollywood Confidential." Not only does she do this, but she hawks a make-up line on the Home Shopping Network, AND does heaps of good work through her foundation the Leeza Gibbons Memory Foundation. But she does not stop there. Oh no, because in her spare time this gal does life coaching, whatever that is. Mercy child, you're making us all look bad.

Okay, babies, on to the house, which is accessed up a long curved driveway...the kind all the children imagine rich and famous people have. The house itself is just huge with bedrooms and bathrooms of numbers one family seldom needs...even a family with three kiddies like these folks. Your Mama counts four bedrooms upstairs, two for staff on the middle level and a couple more downstairs...and this does not even take the mammoth guesthouse into account.

Your Mama has to admit for the size of the property, we were a little disappointed with the rather puny pool, but that magnificent rooftop deck (see photo) makes up this shortcoming. Plus, according to the listing, the house is loaded with other amenities like a sauna, gym, art studio, sound studio, wine cellar, central vacuum, intercom and on and on and on. After reading a list like that we know the children are asking the same as we are, how many people does it take to keep all this clean?

Now babies, Your Mama has the address to this property and the listing agent has provided a magnificent virtual tour of the property, but we're going to keep this information to ourselves for now. In the meantime, enjoy the pics and the floorplan...a real rarity for the children to see the floorplan for a West Coast property.

Anyone Remember Kwame Jackson?

BUYER: Kwame Jackson
LOCATION: West 123rd Street (near 7th Avenue)
PRICE: $995,000 (listing price)
SIZE: 1,772 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: The listing agent's website has lengthy description of the building with such declarations as, "the WOW factor on entry is overwhelming." And, "The view is priceless." And, "No cookie cutter units here as we have a mix of 1 simplex, 2 duplexes and a triplex."

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: It is the triplex Your Mama wants to discuss here. According to the Josh Barbanel of the venerable paper of record, the New York Times, this Harlem triplex was purchased by Kwame Jackson.

Before we get into discussing the apartment, Your Mama thinks it might be best to remind you who this Kwame Jackson is, because we did not know either. All you reality show mavens and queens out there might remember Mr. Jackson as that handsome black man who lost out to that skinny white fella on Donald Trump's The Apprentice a season or two ago. Incendentally, the white fella (name, Bill Rancik) is recently engaged to Juliana Depandi from the E Network. Lahwd children it just makes Your Mama sad she knows that.

Anyhoo, Your Mama is not sure this Mr. Jackson is really a celebrity, but we're gonna go ahead and tell you a little about him anyway. Apparently this runner up got the booby prize which was being a judge for the Miss Universe pageant. (Good grief babies, just the idea of that makes Your Mama dee-pressed.) Seems Mr. Jackson was fired from this job for greeting the wannabe queens in the lobby of the hotel. Who knew this was against the rules?

So now, according to Mr. Barbanel, in addition to exploring real estate options, this Mr. Jackson goes around giving motivational speeches. About what, we don't know, and if we're being honest with the children, we don't want to. Sorry Mr. Jackson, we don't intend to be cruel and we certainly understand we all have to make a living any way we can.

So kids, this apartment up in Harlem sounds nice and has a decent floorplan but that's about all we have to say about it. What more can Your Mama say? Now that we're way down in this post, we realize, we just don't care about this man, his motivational speeches, or his new damn apartment. Besides, we're hungry and we need to get us something to eat now.

SIDE NOTE FROM YOUR MAMA: Because the world is a funny place and there is so often six degrees of separation or less in the world, Your Mama would like all the children to know that in a former life we had a showroom of high-end products for the home and we provided the first season of The Apprentice with a capiz shell screen for the contestant's living room. And Your Mama would also like you to know, we got no additional business out of it, nor did Donaold Trump give us a call to say thank you.

Michael Jackson in Las Vegas

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We were not going to post over the holidays, but Your Mama wanted to bring you some late breaking information about Michael Jackson that is starting to make the news and blog rounds.

Apparently this (alleged) child molester has brought himself and his kiddies to Las Vegas. The family flew in Saturday night with plans to make a big Las Vegas comeback. Hmm.

I'm looking for some photos of the house he's moving into that I can post, but in them meantime head on over top Perez Hilton's gosssip emporia for photos he's claiming are of the property the Jackson family is setting up house. Your Mama isn't putting those photos on this site because we do not need to be sued by Mr. Hilton or any of those photo agencies that dislike him so much.

If these photos are accurate, clearly this once cute black singer who has turned himself into a white lady over the years, has flagging finances. Your Mama would think it's sad, but children, we know some folks who worked over there at the Neverland Ranch and because of what we know from them it just makes it difficult for Your Mama to feel bad for this man-lady.

Happy Holidays to all the Children

Babies,

Whether you celebrate Christmas, Channakah, Kwanzaa or whatever, Your Mama would like to wish all the children a happy, safe, and peaceful couple of days.

We probably won't be posting for a couple of days, but babies, please come on back and see Your Mama on the 26th or 27th when we'll be back posting and yakking.

xoxY.M.

Another Britney Post

OWNER: Britney Spears
LOCATION: Beverly Hills, (The Summit)

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Okay babies, Your Mama is plum tired of hearing about this girl, reading about this girl, and writing about this girl and her new damn house. But Your Mama knows all the children need to be fed so here you go.

We over here at the Real Estalker have finally caught up with technology a little bit and can now bring you better overhead photos. So we went and got a photo of this girl's new house up in Beverly Hills.

Now, the more Your Mama thinks about this purchase by Miss Spears, the more we think this residence is only temporary and that she'll be moving out shortly after her place in Malibu sells. Let Your Mama tell you why.

1. She just wants to be closer to the nightlife scene. While it is true Britney had been house-hunting the previous weeks, it appears to Your Mama all she was really looking for on the day she looked at this house was a dressing room closer to the bars and clubs. See, this girl went to look at this property very late in the day and brought five or ten of her partying posse along with her. (We know celebrities often travel in a pack, but this was a little out of the ordinary.) Then, after having a cursory look-see around, Britney proceeded to use one of the upstairs bedrooms to get herself ready for a night on the town. Who does this? I'm sorry girl, but this is just plain rude. Nobody needs you up in their house spraying your hair, staining their vanity with the bronzer, and leaving your dirty things on the floor. Didn't Your Mama teach you any manners? Lawhd.

2. It was an impulse buy. Miss Britney purchased this house on the spot, bought most of the furniture along with it, and asked the owners to be moved out in a matter of days. (Your Mama thinks she remembers hearing they moved to the Beverly Hills Hotel or maybe the Bel Air Hotel.) Anyhoo, Miss Britney was clearly looking for a quick fix. Maybe to get out of Mali-boo and away from the white rapper. Maybe because she didn't feel like dealing with furniture shopping or a gay decorator. Or maybe, Your Mama speculates, Britney was kicked out of her beachfront Malibu Colony rental by it's owner, that shabby chic gal Rachel Ashwell, and needed someplace to go quick?

3. There is not enough privacy. If you children were to be knowing the landscape where this house sits, you would understand when I say that despite the gatehouse at the bottom of the hill, there's not enough privacy and security with this property...The back of the house does not look down into a canyon, but rather up the side of an undeveloped hill (well, there is one house at the top). You know the crazed and fantatical are going to be hiking up on that hill soon enough trying too look into this girl's windows. Add to that all the houses being pressed up against each other and you know she will need to go find herself someplace with more privacy.

Phew. Are we done talking about this girl now? Thank goodness, because Your Mama needs to go take a nerve pill now.

McConaughey Moves On (Updated 02/11/07)

SELLER: Matthew McConaughey
LOCATION: Nichols Canyon, Los Angeles
HOUSE #1
PRICE: $1,499,000 (reduced from $1,600,000)
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: One story contemporized mid-century adjacent to (redacted address). Behind gates with an easy living open floorplan, opening out to a very large yard and motorcourt. Kitchen opens to dining area and den. Open living room. Three bedrooms en suite with spacious bathrooms. Bathrooms and kitchen with stone countertops, wood floors, high ceilings and beautiful vistas.

HOUSE#2
PRICE: and $3,299,000
SIZE: 4 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Single family Hacienda style property located high in Nichols Canyon. Four bedrooms, 5 bathrooms, den, office, living and dining room. Detached parking, heated pool with cabana, lanai, valley and canyon views.

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE (02/11/07): It seems the scruffy stallion with the large pectorals has not had such an easy time unloading this property. Recently the price was reduced and the listing agent threw up another couple of photos of the exterior. We're guessing the interior is too ugly to post photos. Does no one want to sleep where so many random women have slept before?

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama hopes you appreciate this post because we had to bend over backward and pull in a favor or two to get you some of this information. Certainly it is easier to find a photo of Mr. McConaughey's nipples than to find a photo of his house.

Anyway, these two properties, located up in the twisted roads of Nichols Canyon, are both owned by Mr. McConaughey and sit right up next to each other. It will come as no suprise to McConaughey fanatics that the twisty and hilly Nichols Canyon is a favorite street for joggers and cyclists in Los Angeles. There are heaps of rich and famous in this neck of Los Angeles and of course all you babies interested in art know David Hockney's 1980 painting of this road.

Naturally, Your Mama has the street addresses to both these properties, but we can not be responsible for sending a bunch of sexed up teenage girls and horny gays up into his hood hoping to see him parading around 80 percent nekkid the way he likes to do.

Your Mama has it on good authority the Mister lives in the Hacienda, and if that is true, all the children want to know what goes on in that other house? Well, we think we know, and you probably do too, but that's just speculation.

It seems the Hacienda has already gone to contract according to The LA Times Hot Properties column last week. When you look over the accoutrement of sex and romance this property has (fireplace and steam shower in the master, outdoor shower, jacuzzi, sauna) we have to wonder, why ever would someone like the Mister, someone sorta famous for his prowess and conquesting abilities, want to sell this property?

Brits New Beverly Hills Pad

BUYER: Britney Spears
LOCATION: Summit Circle, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: list price $7,200,000
SIZE: 7,400 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 6.5 baths
DESCRIPTION: The enchanting Italian Renaissance Villa blends traditional old world charm with today's state-of-the-art amenities. With over 7,400 square feet, the expansive floor plan features 6 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms, foyer and living room with 2-story high ceiling and a minstrel like balcony, an office, media room, den and attached maid's quarters. The master suite opens to the romantic balcony that gazes out over a lush yard. A comfortable family room opens to gourmet chef's kitchen comple with an inviting breakfast nook.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: As you all know from our previous posting (Britney moves to Beverly Hills) and various other reports plastered all over the web and tabloid pages, Miss Britney Spears has vacated her Malibu mansion and decamped with her babies to a new home in the Hills of Beverly.

And finally Your Mama has located a few more photos of Brit Brit's new home. We managed to track down the listing for the property which was through Coldwell Banker in Studio City. While everyone here at the Real Estalker is thrilled that Miss Spears in moving on from that KFed person (if not from her well-documented white trash ways), we have to say, we're a little disappointed really. For this amount of money we were expecting something a little less upscale Bakersfield tract home and a little more fading pop star princess palace.

We have the actual house number for this property, but given the amount of paparazzi that follows this poor gal around, and the number of freaky "fans" she has tailing her, Your Mama thinks it's best we just keep it to ourselves.

It's being rumored now that because of all the vagina flashing and public drunkeness Miss Spears' own mama is thinking it wasn't such a good idea to leave the wannabe white rapper. Your Mama maintains getting away from this resource drain was a good thing. But Britney, girl, please, now that you have this new home, please stay in it with your babies every now and then. Invite your gay dancer boyfriends and that party-friendly Paris Hilton over for an in-house soiree. This way if you feel like showing everybody your hoo-ha or getting upsettingly drunk and smoking 42 cigarettes, no one but your pals will know and there will be no photo documentation in the tabs. You need to get smart about this girl or you're going to start running through your money like that ex-husband of yours.

The House Booze Bought

SELLER: Edgar Bronfman Jr.
LOCATION: Amagansett, New York
PRICE: $15,750,000
SIZE: 6 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: (much shortened from the listing agent's website) ...The main house was completely renovated in 2000 and has every modern convenience...The gourmet eat-in-kitchen has everything a chef will love...The spacious living room is fabulous for entertaining and leads into the formal dining room...media room...amazing master suite with his and her offices and baths...full basement with large media/billiard room and two full bathrooms...heated gunite pool and patio...beautiful guest cottage and an attached garage.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Now, all Your Mama's educated children out there know that while the Bronfman family became rich by selling booze to everybody, this Bronfman, whom friends calls "Efer," has branched out into more creative fields and endeavors. Not only does he head up Warner Music, he has produced Broadway shows and Hollywood films. But the most interesting side-job Efer has is as a songwriter. This scion of American big business has written songs for the likes of Celine Dion and Barbra herself.

So really, booze didn't by this house, but Your Mama thought it was a catchy headline.

Anyhoo...According to forbes.com Efer also has yet another side-gig in real estate. Seems he's bought and sold several high-end properties in the Hamptons in the last couple of years including the purchase of a $31,000,000 Bridgehampton property. Lahwd children, Your Mama gets dizzy when thinking about such big numbers.

Efer bought this property down on Indian Wells Highway only in the Spring of 2005 for $12,500,000 and has already put it back on the market. Guess this is what the uber rich do instead of renting a summer house. They buy 'em, live in them for the summer, and sell them on at a huge profit. In this case it's looking like a $2,500,000 profit.

While there is a gorgeous 42-foot pool tucked back in the corner that is perfect for sunbathing in the nude, guest house, fancy gardens by an award winning garden designer, and it's just a 2 minute walk to the sand, Your Mama wants the children to note there is no tennis court for the sportif minded.

Real Estate Pornography IV

SELLER: Donald Trump
LOCATION: 502 Park Avenue (Trump Park Avenue), New York
PRICE: $30,000,000, soon to be $42,000,000
SIZE: currently 5,284 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCTRIPTION: Duplex penthouse sitting on the 31st and 32nd floor of the Trump Park Avenue (formerly the Delmonico Hotel). The lavish apartment has views in all four directions front dozens of windows. A sweeping double staircase connects the two floors with the lower floor being devoted to private bedroom quarters and the upper floor comprising a massive, loft like living/dining/library/study. The apartment inlcudes a private elevator and two massive terraces on the 31st floor.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Babies, there are just so many things wrong with this apartment it is no wonder Donald Trump has, according to Braden Keil of the NY Post's Gimme Shelter column, decided to blow the roof off this penthouse, add a few thousand square feet and (hopefully) rearrange the layout in hopes of finding a high-flying buyer.

Let's point ourselves at the good first. Your Mama loves an apartment that is located high in a building, has loads of glass and requires you wear sunglasses while having your morning coffee. We love the private elevator because some nights there's just not enough left in our body to climb stairs. We're also appreciating the his/her (or his/his, her/her) bathrooms in the master. And of course the terraces are divine.

Now for the bad children. Your Mama is well aware that when you get up in the towers and penthouses of these old buildings, the floor space often gets squeezed and awkward with all the elevator shafts and stairs taking up space. But seriously now, Mr. Donald Trump had plenty of money to have his people do better than this.

It may or may not be true that New Yorkers do not cook in their kitchens. What is true however, is that either way, we want functional suburban-sized cheffing stations. If for nothing else, the caterers need some room to move. No doubt this kitchen is well equipped, but babies, it's just 9 feet wide. You get Your Mamas big 0le butt up in there and there's no room for anyone else.

And the terraces. Well, as we said, they are divine. But do the children notice that you must access the larger of the two through a bedroom? That's just not right in this price range. What happens if you want to BBQ? Do you traipse all through this place with a cookie sheet loaded down with ribs? Do you lower the meat down on a rope while hanging out one of the upstairs windows near the kitchen?

As for the master bedroom, well hunnies, it's lovely with it's double exposure and yards of closet space, but don't you think it's a wee bit small? Yes, Your Mama does too.

Note to Mr. Donald Trump: Now that your gearing up to re-work this place, we over here at Real Estalker think you've seen the error of your floorplan ways and would like to applaud you for taking the steps to remedy the wrongs with this, up-until-now, unsellable penthouse.

A Note of Thanks

Your Mama would like thank to Fenton Bailey and the folks over at World of Wonder (creators of television shows like Million Dollar Listing and films like The Eyes of Tammy Faye) for writing up a nice post about the Real Estalker on their funny and cool website.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Miss Diana Ross

Seller: Diana Ross
Location: Greenwich, CT
PRICE: $39,500,000
SIZE: 12,562 sq. ft., 11 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms.
DESCRIPTION: (much shortened from the lengthy description provided by the listing agent) The stonewall enclosed property is tucked away in a private gated enclave amid confident old estates yet minutes from downtown Greenwich...Terraces lead from each room to broad lawns that gently roll to the waterfront...The living room with its 18th century paneling is a fine example of the work of design firm Parson's and Wait. A spiral staircase where Rembrandts have adorned the walls swirl from the basement to the third floor...The grounds and gardens are complete with tennis court, pool, and two carriage houses. A Pastoral Haven and a once in a lifetime opportunity to purchase her.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Children, give Your Mama a moment, because we are just exhausted by listing agent Kathryn Clauss' extremely thoughtful description.

This property is located in the community of Belle Haven, the richest and most exclusive corner of Greenwich. You may remember Belle Haven as being the part of town where Martha Moxley was murdered by Kennedy cousin Michael Skakel.

This is also the neck of the woods that George Bush The First grew up. Now babies, we know what you're saying, but let Your Mama give you a little history lesson. Those Bushes like us all to think they're just some down-home folks from the prairies of Texas, but in reality, their roots are in Belle Haven, Connecticut, one of the most outrageously wealthy communities in the whole of the U.S.

More recently, Greenwich in general, and Belle Haven in particular, has become a hide-out for spectacularly rich hedge fund managers. So perhaps it's no wonder Miss Ross is looking to move on now that the "new" money is moving in.

All that aside, the only thing Your Mama has to note about this property is thank Gawd the houses around this estate are "confident" and "old." Because, you know people, there is nothing worse than living next door to an insecure, new house.

P.S. Your Mama would apologize for the lack of photos, but, all due respect to Miss Clauss, the listing contained only fuzzy, blurry, black and white pieces of shit.

Really Rich Real Estate

Note to the Children:

Babies, if y'all are reading this blog, then you probably already know this, but VH1 has a newish reality series called Really Rich Real Estate. This show follows some of Los Angeles' most successful and powerful agents from the Westside Estate Agency as they show property to well-to-do Hollywood types like Cindy Margolis, Frankie Munoz, Pauly Shore, and Tom Arnold (whose ex-wife Shelby is an agent at Westside.)

Run by super-brokers Stephen Shapiro and Kurt Rappaport, the Westside Estate agency is celebrity central in the real estate world. Yes puppies, this is the brokerage rumored to have been given the "pocket listing" for Candy Spelling's mammoth mansion in Holby Hills (see earlier posting: The $150,000,000 Pile). They currently have the listing for Sharon Stone's flip (see earlier posting: Sharon Stone Flips Out). Also on their website is the "is it, or is it not for sale" home of producer Brian Grazer (see earlier posting: All This for $27,000,000). Your Mama has also heard through the grapevine this is one of the agencies soon to be dee-vorced Britney Spears contacted about the sale of her Malibu estate.

The series is playing tonight on VH1 starting at 10:30 pm EST, but check the times in your locale on the website . Tune in children. You know where Your Mama will be tonight.

Real Estate Pornography III

SELLER: Your Mama does not know, but if you do, please let us know. We promise to keep your name quiet.
LOCATION: 27 Beverly Park Terrace, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $29,000,000
SIZE: approx. 20,000 square feet, 10 bedrooms, 15 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This 6 acre estate features a 40 foot high entry with a center hall plan and city views. Huge living room. Two story panelled library with fireplace. Family room opens to hand cut mosaic pool and spa. Pool pavillion has his and her bathrooms and a full outdoor kitchen. Private tennis court. Huge master with his and her bathrooms. There are 6 bedrooms in the children's wing. Huge playroom in a finished attic. 2 maid's rooms and a guest bedroom. 3 car garage and a limo garage. Truly unique.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Okay babies, as promised. Here we have some information on the only house in Beverly Park that Your Mama knows is up for grabs. The listing agent for this property is none other than uber-agent Susan Smith of the Westside Estate Agency, one of the premier brokerages in Beverly Hills. The website has this property listed at $35,000,000, but Your Mama is guessing it's been reduced because it's listed on L.A.s multiple listing service for 29.

This home is perfect for someone who has, or wants to have, a half-dozen children. Here at this mountain top palace, you can house all them kids in a separate wing and keep them from driving you crazy by sending them out of earshot to the attic playroom. Of course, all these kids might want to use the pool sometimes, so fortunately there is a pool house so they won't be dragging that chlorinated water into your house after your girl has scrubbed and mopped the floors to a mirrored finish.

Seriously though, Your Mama is no stranger to luxury, but we still have a tough time getting our itty bitty minds around this kind of glamour and extravagance. We've said it before (and will say again when appropriate) do you know what it costs to maintain a house like this? Lahwd, it just boggles the mind.

Beverly Park

Children, Your Mama has some meetings to attend this morning so I'm going to leave y'all with an interesting tell all article about the ultra-posh enclave of Beverly Park. This gated community, located way up in the hills above Beverly Hills, is basically a tract for extremely large and lavish homes...some in the 30-40,000 square foot range.

There are 64 lots in Beverly Park and while plenty are owned by big name Hollywood types like Sylvester Stallone, Sumner Redstone and Denzel Washington, many are owned by the unknown super-rich whose lives afford them extreme luxury, security, and privacy.

There are a few residents like Jami Gertz and Reba McEntire whom Your Mama would not have guessed lived in a place like this. Who knew these gals would want to live in such seclusion and opulence? And while we LOVE Jami Gertz, who knew this child had that much money?

As Your Mama writes this, we are aware of only one property in Beverly Park currently on the market. More often than not, these properties are shopped around privately by high-end brokers. 27 Beverly Park Terrace, on the market for an astounding $29,000,000, sits on 6 acres and includes six bedrooms in the "children's wing," a master suite, guest room and two staff bedrooms. I'll post a wee bit more information and the couple of photos I have of this property later today.

In the meantime, we hope you enjoy this article from the New York Times. And of course, Your Mama would love to know what all the children think of this article and Beverly Park so send us some email and post some comments.

Note: photo above by J. Emilio Flores for The New York Times.

Blog Shout Out

Your Mama would publically like to thank the folks over at Curbed for including a link to the Real Estalker in their Friday wrap up last week. That was very cool and brought us loads of readers. Also, a heartfelt thanks to The Gilded Moose and also to Glitterati Gossip for being the first blogs to add the Real Estalker to their blogrolls.

Boring Bon Jovi

SELLER: Jon Bon Jovi
LOCATION: West 67th Street, New York City
PRICE: $6,950,000 (maintenance and taxes approx. $5,300/month)
SIZE: 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This sought after Millenium home has park and city views from every room. The 40-foot living room is perfect for entertaining. Corner master bedroom facing South and West to the river has a large walk-in closet and master bath with separate stall shower and double sink. Three additional spacious bedrooms and 2 baths. Large windowed eat-in-kitchen and washer/dryer complete this exceptional home.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Are all the children as slack jawed and aghast as Your Mama was when we first found the listing for this rock star's Manhattan pied a terre? Not only is it as plain as a plain bagel, the price is astronomical. We find it hard to believe anyone in is going to pay upwards of $6,000,000 for this apartment. We'd like to see the comps, thank you.

Sure, it has a tremendously long living room, and being on the 28th floor has some really great views. It's not in one of the better Upper West Side buildings, but it ain't a bad building either. But hunnies, it's just so ordinary. And trust us here at realestalker when we tell you that you can get a much better apartment in Manhattan for this amount of money (sorry Mr. Jon Bon Jovi).

According to the listing agent's website, this apartment can also be rented fully furnished for $30,000 a month. Good grief babies, are they insane? Your Mama has a duplex apartment in a swank building that you can have for half that amount...And we got ourselves three bathrooms and a window in the kitchen just like the Bon Jovis.

We don't intend to be harsh here, but Your Mama expects it will rain pigs before you get that price and we think your real estate agent should have a good long talk with you.

Sharon Stone Flips Out

SELLER: Sharon Stone
LOCATION: North Beverly Drive, Beverly Hills
PRICE: $12,500,000
SIZE: 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Exceptionally unique gated Mediterranean estate located on almost 5 acres at the end of a private road. Venetian plastered walls throughout. Honed limestone floors. Disappearing doors that give the home a great indoor/outdoor feel. Separate guest house with state of the art media room, separate gym, and 2 more bedrooms...tennis court...mediation garden surrounded by fruit trees.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: All you children know that Miss. Sharon Stone is ku-koo. Don't get Your Mama wrong, we love us some Sharon Stone. We find her endlessly fascinating and spontaneous--did you see her bawling at the Nobel Peace awards? Well, last year after getting a d-i-v-o-r-c-e from San Francisco newspaper man Phil Bronstein, Miss Stone sold her big Bay Area house (reportedly for close to $15,000,000) and moved back down to L.A.

Honestly babies, we don't know where Miss Stone currently lives, but what we do know is that in March of 2006 she purchased this property for $11,000,000. And then just four months later, this capricious minx decided she didn't want to move in so she put it back on the market for a whopping $1,500,000 more than she paid. According to listing information, the house has not been renovated since the sale to Miss Stone.

Not only does this house have all the accoutrement of celebrity living, the property backs up to the ridiculously expensive and exclusive gated community of Beverly Park (home to Reba McEntire, Sumner Redstone, Eddie Murphy, Sylvester Stallone, Rod Stewart and more). There is a special amenity at Miss Stone's property which Your Mama would like you to take note: the underground 15-car garage. Dear God, who has that many automobiles?

Nick Lachey goes modern

CURRENT OWNER: Nick Lachey
SELLER: Heidi Klum and Seal
LOCATION: Linda Flora Drive, Bel Air
PRICE: last listed at $5,500,000
SIZE: 4 bedrooms, 4.5 baths
DESCRIPTION: Extraordinary gated contemporary on hidden private road for ultimate security with perhaps the most stunning view in L.A. Soaring ceilings, great walls for art and maple wood floors enhance the light-filled rooms. Gourmet kitchen, step-down living room, resort pool, stone patio, deck and grassy lawn.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Now we don't mean to be rude or cutting, but we're not sure so many folks care about handsome Nick now that he's divorced from that blond singer gal. None-the-less Your Mama pulled this up out of the archives for all you boy band afficionados and all you Project Runway gays.

Anyhoo...this property was sold by Miss Heidi and Seal in the Spring of 2006. Perhaps it was just not large enough for their ever-expanding brood. And of course about that time Mr. Nick needed a place to go after he was unceremoniously dumped by the blond singer and their house was bought by small child/budding real estate mogul Justin Berfield who plays on that Malcolm in the Middle program.

So to Bel Air he went. And hunnies, after that depressing, suburban mess they had in Calabassas (sorry Mr. Berfield), buying this place makes us think Mr. Nick actually has some taste...or wants to get laid. Because, let's be honest, this house, with those views, is made for, errr, romance. The house is tucked back off the road down a long drive, hangs out over open space with gorgeous views of the Getty Center and beyond to the ocean. So for all you kittens in the midwest, this is what living in Los Angeles is all about.

Britney Moves to Beverly Hills

BUYER: Britney Spears
LOCATION: Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $7,200,000 (list)
SIZE: 7,400 sq. ft., 5 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: She may only be 21 or 23 or whatever baby-age she is, but this panty-free pop star is so rich she does not need to sell her house in Malibu to buy a new place for her and the kiddies in Beverly Hills.

After getting the update from Star Magazine, Your Mama has scoured the internet for more photos, but as of 12/18/06 have found none...apparently the listing has already been removed from the mls and agent's website.

What Your Mama can tell you (that Star Magazine does NOT report) is that Summit Circle, an exclusive, gated community off of Mulholland Drive, is the very same gated community where Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale have recently purchased a home (see previous post "from JLo to Gwen").

Star Magazine is reporting that Britney's home is one of the most expensive available in Beverly Hills, but hunnies it must be in the ghetto section of Summit Circle because the Rossdale's purchased their home for close to $15,000,000.

Your Mama will keep you posted if we can find more photos, and of course if any of you children have any additional information, you be sure to let Your Mama know.

The House Porn Bought

SELLER: Bob Guccioni
LOCATION: 14-16 East 67th Street, New York
PRICE: $59,000,000
SIZE: 20,000+ sq. ft., 5 bedrooms, 6 full bathrooms, 3 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: (shortened from the listing agents website) The six story mansion contains original features such as the Carrara marble staircase. There is a Georgian Library of knotty pine paneling circa 1770. On the third floor is a 4,000 square foot master suite which has a fireplace, private garden..., ladies dressing area and bathroom with gold mosaic bathing tub, a gentelman's dressing area on the opposite side of the room, sitting room, and separate studio.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Yes children, this is Bob Guccioni's palace of pornography and we can only imagine what debauchery has gone on here. Oh yes, babies, if the walls could only talk we'd all be flushed and bothered-up down there. Anyway, it seems the finances of this aging flesh peddler require he sell his monsterous mansion. It is without question a tremendous financial burden to own a house like this; the taxes alone on this property are a mind-numbing $281,000/year.

It may or may not surprise all you real estate fiends out there that this property is not flying off the market. At one point the house was even put out to auction to the highest bidder. If Your Mama remembers correctly (and you know she may not), the highest bid(s) did not come up to the mimimum and so the house remains up for grabs for an obscenely weathly investment banker or some another unfathomably rich individual that gets off on conspicuous consumption.

There is actually quite a bit of information out there on this house and it has all be lovingly and thoughtfully compiled (including photos, history, and the jaw dropping floorplans) in one location at the official property website. It's worth a look kiddies...there are few in this world who live in this sort of spectack-u-lossity.

Real Estate Pornography II

SELLER: Joel Horowitz
LOCATION: Lake Tahoe, NV
PRICE: $100,000,000
SIZE: 210 acres, 38,000 sq. ft, 9+ bedrooms, 9+ bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: "Tranquility" is Lake Tahoe's most prestigious property. 210 acres of magical seclusion overlooking Lake Tahoe and situated on it's own private lake. The 8 buildings consist of a main residence, conservatory, guest residence, separate residence for staff and guests, art studio, gymnasium with indoor basketball court, stables, and boat house pavilion.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Okay children, settle down. Your Mama knows you do not know who this Joel Horowitz is and why he has a house like this. But I'm going to tell you. See, Mr. Horowitz co-founded a clothing company with none other than hippity hop Hilfiger (see next post). Yes, that's right babies, this man is also filthy rich from selling white people's clothes to black people.

And just look what he did with all his money...built himself a hunting lodge fit for a Rockefeller. It is our understanding Mr. Horowitz bought this land from Las Vegas crooner extraordinnaire Wayne Newton in the late 1990's when Mr. Newton had some bankruptcy issues.

SIDE NOTE: While just a youngster growing up in California, Your Mama's aunty Jennie had a life-sized cardboard cut-out of Wayne Newton that held court in her garage next to the dryer for many years. So you know I have a soft spot for this man even though I'd like to tell him he's not 45 anymore and to stop dipping his head in that black hair dye.

Anyway, back to the spoils of the rag trader...let me give you a few more highlights of this property that'll make your hair stand on end children: 19 seat movie theater, a wine cellar that can hold 3,200 bottles and includes a lounge based on one at the ultra posh St. Regis Hotel in New York, a sweeping staircase modeled after the Titanic's, 11 fireplaces, a few golf holes, a putting green and a private, stocked lake.

This property, at it's current list price, is thought to be one of the country's most expensive listings along with other for-sale properties like Mr. Donald Trump's flip in Palm Beach, a Saudi Prince's estate in Aspen, a vast track of oceanfront land in Santa Barbara and of course, Candy Spelling's pile in the Holmby Hills of Los Angeles (see previous post: the $150,000,000 pile).

Your Mama must confess, we don't know whether to seethe with envy over the amount of money this man has or to be outraged that someone would spend this amount of money on a vacation home. What do the children think?

Hippity Hop Hilfiger in da Hamptons

SELLER: Tommy Hilfiger
LOCATION: Further Lane, East Hampton, NY
PRICE: $24,500,000
SIZE: 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: New listed ocean front home on coveted Further Lane in East Hampton Village. This modern home includes 5 bedrooms, 5.5 baths, a media room, Boffi kitchen, double height living room, and an outdoor mahogany pavilion, complete with fireplace. The resort-inspired paradise offers a vanishing edge pool with forever Atlantic views and its own private boardwark leading to 154 feet of pristine ocean frontage. Extremely private. Extremely special.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Have you ever wondered how it is the very rich become stupendously rich? Well pay attention babies, I'm about to tell you one of the many ways: the high end real estate flip. Mr. Tommy Hilfiger, who very successfuly sells white people's clothes to black people, is a very rich man, and sometime in May or June of 2006 he purchased this oceanfront property for $17,000,000 from eyeglass entrepreneur Robert Marc and his boyfriend. According to realestatejournal.com he did "some renovations and took a trip to Bali to oversee the design of custom furniture."

And then in mid-october, 5 short months after purchasing, he puts the house back on the market for $24,500,000. That would be $7,500,000 more than he paid for it. Yes, children, you read that correctly. And that price does not include the (custom) furniture which can be negotiated separately should you be so inclined.

But hunnies, gather round and come in close 'cause Your Mama is going to tell you something these rich people on Further Lane would prefer you not know. See, this area has a deep dark secret. All you homos looking to marry up or those who just like to have sex with rich (and probably married) men, head on down to the beach at 2-Mile Hollow. Yes babies, when the sun goes down, the dunes here are simply crawling with gays looking for a little al fresco fornication. And Mr. Tommy's for-sale house has a ring-side seat for viewing all the action.

MORE NOTES ON FURTHER LANE: Even with the cruising, Further Lane is indeed one of THE most exclusive and expensive streets in the Hamptons. Jerry Seinfeld has a $35,000,000 property here he bought from Billy Joel and then proceeded to gut, renovate and add a baseball field. The deMenil-Carpenter family is rumored to be quietly shopping their 35-acre oceanfront property with 7 historic structures for $100,000,000+. Not to worry for them, they have another outrageous oceanfront Further Lane property built in the 1980's by Gwathmey Siegal. But perhaps best of all for the billionaire summering set, the super-exclusive, lily-whites-only Maidstone Club is located at the end of the street.

Model apartment

SELLER: Naomi Campbell
LOCATION: 500 Park Avenue, NYC
PRICE: $4,950,000 (taxes and maintenance $6,995/month)
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 3.5 baths, approx. 3,100 sq. ft.
DESCRIPTION: (dramatically reduced from the listing agent's website) Enter your private floor through the double doors into the oversized living room with an array of windows...The windowed, well-proportioned professional chefs kitchen is appointed with stainless steel appliances plus a generous pantry and storage space. A separate staff entrance plus laundry room with ample storage space...The ensuite master bath resembles a luxurious yacht with the use of teak wood, marble steam shower with European jets plus a 4-person sunken marble jacuzzi, bidet and double vanity...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Yes puppies, this is the scene of two of the (alleged) crimes. Miss Naomi purchaed this apartment only in 2005, but after a couple run-ins with the help that resulted in some legal trouble for the phone throwing catwalker, she decided to move on downtown. According to Braden Keil of the NY Post, Miss Naomi has already purchased a one bedroom apartment and has gone into contract for a second two-bedroom apartment at the Cipriani Club Residences (55 Wall Street).

It might be interesting to note here, that the listing agent for this apartment was none other than Rapheal DeNiro, son of Robert.

Now babies, even though this aparment is located in an ugly building a little too close to Midtown for our liking, there are many positive points to note. We love those high ceilings and windows, the cantilevered master (even if we don't understand the engineering), the tucked away guest suite, all that closet space, the bidet in the staff bath...and more.

There are however a few other items Your Mama would like to point out. 1) While all that shiny wood in the bathroom and the kitchen makes us weak in the knees, just imagine the time it takes your maid to keep it polished...you must need a girl just for that task alone. 2) It may be a wee bit tough to see in the photo of the kitchen, but can y'all see what's hanging above the stove? Yes children, that is a long row of big knives. You did NOT want to be in the kitchen if and when Miss Naomi had one of her (alleged) caniption fits and started throwing things. 3) That four person, orgy friendly jacuzzi in the master bathroom...well, enough said on that topic.

We really do wish Miss Naomi some peace and quiet in her life and new digs. And baby girl, no more living with your maid or assistant or whatever. It's just not good for you. You would be better off learning to call your own car service and folding your own clothes. Seriously.

Macy in the Valley

SELLER: Macy Grey
LOCATION: Encino, CA
PRICE: $5,559,000
SIZE: 7 bedrooms, 9.5 baths
DESCRIPTION: Ideally located south of Ventura in the heart of Encino Estates, this one of a kind home offers gated privacy, natural tranquility and dynamic living spaces. Just past the circular driveway, a grand colonial home awaits. The true center-hall floorplan is flanked by dual Presidential staircases and capped with a dome ceiling. Warm and artistic flair flows througout the home. Both formal and informal rooms create perfect entertaining area with a true gourmet kitchen. Over an acre of luch park-like grounds with guesthouse.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Oh hunnies, you can see now why Miss Macy is always sporting a pair of dark glasses. That woman's retinas are burned from walking around in her own damn house. All that orange and red paint is making me nauseous. Don't get me wrong puppies, I like Macy's music and I have no issue with the wacky tabacky it's rumored she likes so much...Your Mama is no stranger to the puff puff see, but honestly, this house is just too much for my nerves.

Your Mama is sorry girl, but there is just no excuse for your house looking like this. You are a rich and famous lady now. So when in Rome do as the Romans and go get yourself a fancy gay decorator to help you put your next house together. I'd be happy to give you some recommendations.

The house itself is gigantic with more almost 10,000 square feet of living space and sits on nearly an acres of not so choice land--it's on a busy street and the property backs up to a school so you know that can get a little noisy at recess. The entry is gran-dee-ose with a double staircaise and a domed ceiling according to the mls listing. The LA Times Hot Properties column says the house is listed around $4,600,000. Not sure if the priced has been raised or if that's just a mistake.

Lindsay cleans up

OWNER / SELLER: Lindsay Lohan
LOCATION: 9255 Doheny, West Hollywood
PRICE: $2,850,000
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms, 2,117 square feet
DESCRIPTION: Opportunity awaits. The most famous full service high rise in the city. This 3 bedroom, 2.5 bathroom Northwest corner uit is on the desirable 27th floor. Boasting killer ocean, city, sunset and Hollywood Hills views. Ready for your client to customize and make it their own ultimate retreat.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: It is no secret to anyone who reads celebrity shit, or lives in Los Angeles, that the photo above is of the Sierra Towers apartment building in West Hollywood. And it is true that Ms. Lohan owns an apartment here. But don't be standing out front bugging the doormen and other tenants with your prying eyes, because La Lohan does not live here and has never occupied this apartment. (Her people state it was purchased as an investment in 2005 for $1,900,000.)

This poor ak-tress, whose every move, word and vaginal exposure is printed up in the tabs, has instead famously taken up residence at the paparazzi surrounded Chateau Marmont Hotel. (Interesting choice for someone looking for some privacy if anyone wants Your Mamas opinion.) Perhaps hotel living is just simpler for this fast living gal, even with all the strangers roaming the halls and photogs out front. This way she does not have to try and scramble her own late night eggs but rather can just scramble for the house phone after a late night at Teddy's or Hyde partying with HER mama.

By all accounts the Sierra Towers apartment is "dated" and needs loads of work. Even still this little lady stands to make a small fortune selling this apartment on. Even after she pays her people at the Westside Agency and whatever flip tax she'll be responsible for, she's likely to walk with upwards of $500,000. Not bad for a sub-par place that's just sat collecting dust for a year or two. All you babies should be so lucky in your real estate deals.

I'm sorry there are not more photos children, but neither the mls nor the listing agent's website had any other photos. I don't think the lack of photos is a privacy issue, but rather that the apartment is simply too undone.

EXTRA NOTE FROM YOUR MAMA: Your Mama wants you to have a little extra celebrity informaton on this building...Matthew Perry and Cher also maintain residences in this building along with a few other big name Hollywood types like Diahann Carol. As you know, Your Mama's mind is not what it used to be, but I seem to remember there was a lot of talk about Cher, who has resided in Malibu for many years in a spectacular ocean front estate, spending an astronomical sum of money for her apartment so that she could have a place in town near her hair and make up people. Can you imagine? Reportedly she paid around $4,500,000 smackers for a 1 bedroom duplex that at one time belonged to David Geffen. Yes, children, I did say a 1 bedroom apartment. And apparently she gutted it too. Phew...I guess that's what one does as a semi-retired celebrity with oodles of cash.

Divorce and sell

SELLER: Hillary Swank and Chad Lowe
LOCATION: 33 Charles Street, NYC
PRICE: $7,550,000 (taxes: $21,348/year)
SIZE: 3,243 square feet
DESCRIPTION: 33 Charles in prime West Village is a completely restored four-story, beautifully proportioned home. Because of the position of the house on Charles, the sunlight is extraordinary through its French windows and doors. There are six wood-burning fireplaces, central air throughout, a new kitchen and baths, and a deep, beautifully planted garden.

YOUR MAMA NOTES: Looking at the photos you'd think this property would have high end buyers interested left and right. It's gor-gee-us. But alas, Hillarykins and her (now ex-) Mister had to reduce this place by nearly $750,000 to get it sold. But we shouldn't feel bad for these two, they paid $3,900,000 back in 2002. And even though they did an extensive and expensive two year renovation headed by designer Mark Zeff, they're still walking off with couple million. or close to...

Check the well considered floorplan babies, you can see that each of these celebs had a big walk in for all the free clothes, bags and shoes that designers gave them over the years. And for all their success (let's not forget this gal has two Oscars), the house is sorta modest, right? But what all the children want to know about is that crazy rabbit.

We got some Star Jones here

SELLER: Star Jones
LOCATION: East 90th Street (and 2nd Avenue)
PRICE: $2,250,000 (maintenance approx $3,200/month)
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Stunning penthouse triplex with huge roof terrace. First floor: 2 bedrooms with full bath. Second floor: Large living room, dining area with gas burning fireplace, kitchen, powder room. Second floor master bedroom suite with dressing room, gold tiled bathroom with sauna and steam. Huge built-in closets thorughout. Third floor: presently used a "party" room off terrace. Can be fourth bedroom and additional bath can be added. Exceptional private terrace with four exposures. Excellent light throughout. Elevator access from first two floors.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: I pulled this one from my archives babies, so I know it's a little dated. But I'm sorry, I just can't resist me some Star Jones. I vaguely remember hearing this apartment had been taken off the market, but Your Mama's memory is not what it used to be, so if anyone has any current 411 on this listing, please let me know.

Anyway, the photos here show how the once fat and now sorta skinny Star Jones lives the good life in New York City. Sure the apartment looks impressive, but let's get down to brass tacks. This place is a little east to be a prime location. It may only be 4 blocks to Madison Avenue, but that's a long way if you're wearing you some Christian Louboutin stilletos...or carrying around some extra weight. And the building, well let's just say it's not one of the better buildings uptown.

My favorite photos are of course those of the boudoir and the dressing closet. All those red fuck-me pumps are impressive for sure. And puppies, what about that gold bathtub surround. That is really something, isn't it? I can just imagine Miss Star Jones luxuriating in a warm milk bath ordering her husband to get her some champagne while she admires her milk chocolate skin in the gold-plated spigot.

And of course all the children want to know if Al gets to keep his clothes in that closet and put his make-up on in that mirror? I don't see any of his manyly things in these photos so maybe he's relegated to those bedrooms on the lower floor? I'm not being mean for mean's sake people, there are questions about this and you know it. But let's be honest, these lovebirds have lasted far long than any of us jaded folks imagined and bully for them.

Ellen and Portia's Garden of Eden

CURRENT OWNER: Ellen De Generes and Portia Di Rossi
LOCATION: Montecito, CA
PRICE: Listed at $16,900,000
Size: 4 bedrooms, 4 baths, 2 half baths, 4 acres

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Honeys, I finally found this place after hours of looking and looking. I knew this lady-couple had put up their Santa Ynez ranch for sale (price: $11,900,000) and had purchased a spectacular estate in the high-class Montecito for their weekend getaway. After much internet dead ends I hit pay dirt...the actual listing! And children, the listing agents put together an amazing marketing package for this property with pages of descriptions and flyers and brochures galore. So I'm going to have to condense for our little brains.

This property, located just north of Sycamore Canyon Road (I'll keep the street name and house number in my vault), sprawls over 4 acres and was built in 1926 by renowned Santa Barbara architect George Washington Smith for the Ogilvy family. The property includes a Spanish stlyle main house, guesthouse, studio, pool and pool pavilion, tennis court and a three car detached garage. Of course the property is walled and gated with heavily fortified security.

The grounds are fully landscaped with fountains, water features, cutting beds, fruit trees, secluded gardens and the like. A virtual garden of Eden for this Eve/Eve couple.

The house itself has all the accutrement necessary for a life of celebrity weekend leisure...massive wine cellar, media room, multiple fireplaces, office suite, and a 1,300 square foot master encompassing the entire second floor. And of course guesthouse(s) for visitors and assistants.

Ellen is well known for buying, and sometimes also renovating properties, and selling them on for a huge profit (see future postings for some of Ellen's Hollywood Hills homes). This lady has exquisite taste and style and is most certainly blessed with the real estate gene. But I wonder where Miss Portia is going to ride her horses now that the ranch is sold.

The $150,000,000 pile

CURRENT OWNER: Candy Spelling. Or maybe some Arab prince
LOCATION: Holmby Hills, Los Angeles
PRICE: asking $150,000,000 (?)
SIZE: simply huge. around 56,000 sq. ft.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Babies, I have tried to get you the low-down on this property. Was it for sale? Is it? Did it sell? But there are so many conflicting reports. Anyone on the inside know what truth I can tell the children?

See if you can follow. Not long after the senior Spelling passed, Candy darling gives the Westside Agency the "pocket listing" for her behemoth estate which the family called "the Manor." Asking price $150,000,000. Lickety split Candy's people call everyone and deny everything. The real estate people call the reports "erroneous."

Soon an unamed Arab prince shows up willing to cough up $130,000,000 (135 by some accounts) and the sale goes through. Again Candy's people call everyone denying everything emphatically saying the manse has not sold and is NOT for sale.

If you ask me, the house probably is for sale, or has actually sold as reported. But decency requires she wait a bit before jumping for joy at her good fortune and luck in quickly and quietly unloading her white elephant. Can you blame her for wanting to get rid of this pile? What newly single, filthy rich gal wants to maintain all that? Do you know how much effort it is to run an estate like this? So I don't begrudge her for selling on the family estate.

But...I do take issue with her acting greedy with all that dead man's money. Did you know, children, it is reported that preggers Tori and her man Dean are moving into a rental in Brentwood? A rental! Why do you think Miss Tori had that yard sale last week. Bitch needs some cash to pay for her apartment deposit because her mama is keeping the purse strings tightly tied. Well, that and free publicity for her new reality show, of course.

I digress. For sale or not, the house is really something. A tacky something, but something none the less. The largest private home in California is reported to have multiple kitchens, screening room, olympic sized pool (although the overhead photo makes it look a wee bit smaller really), an ice rink, bowling alley, a citrus orchard, a doll museum, 6,000 sq. ft. guest house, and those famous gift wrapping rooms. The LA Times reported there is also a "bonus level for closets between the second story and the attic." Can you imagine?

She's so skinny now

SELLER: Christina Ricci
PREVIOUS OWNER: Diane Keaton (who is responsible for the gorgeous renovation)
LOCATION: Los Feliz, (The Oaks neighborhood), Los Angeles
PRICE: $3,100,000 (this property has been sold at an undisclosed price)
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
SOURCE: LA Times Hot Property
DESCRIPTION: Celebrity owned LLoyd Wright architectural. Located in exclusive Oaks neighborhood. The completely open & private 3 story homes features dramatic windows and doors, private master suite complete with large deck, huge yard...formal dining room, fireplace, amazing concrete floors and views..the home is beautifully preserved and has graced the covers of several books and magazines. A rare opportunity to own a piece of history

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Several rich and famous have occupied this property so it's ped-i-greed. Ms. Keaton did an amazing job and the property is just spectacular. I have the address for this property too children, but I'm keeping this one to myself. Suffice to say there's a Green Oak tree involved in the location.

EXTRA NOTE FROM YOUR MAMA: Okay babies, I have a special affinity for this house because I currently live in an NYC apartment once inhabited by Ms. Ricci. Technically this apartment belonged to her mother and it's unclear whether she actually lived here, BUT we still get invitations to fancy parties in her name shoved in amongst our more mundane mail. She's not the only celeb. to live in this apartment either...after the Ricci's it was a very prominent magazine editor who trades in what I like to call bathroom reading for the somewhat sophisticated.

But the previous tenants are not so surprising considering this building is quite simply crawling with entertainment, fashion and art people. Any guesses as to where I live?