Michael Bolton Can Live Without "Dalle Acqua"

SELLER: Michael Bolton
LOCATION: Kings Highway North, Westport, CT
PRICE: $11,000,000
SIZE: 9,623 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 6 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Spectacular waterfront on sparkling Nash's pond surround this exceptional Tuscan inspired residence and spacious guest house with a private, gated drive leading up to the gracious porte cochere. Enter into the luxurious & grand formal entry with imported Italian marble floors and an abundance of custom, imported hand-carved mahogany wood. The meticulously crafted mill work is carried throughout the home including the screening room, elegant dining room, exceptional chef's kitchen and sumptuous master suite with veranda...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama knows just four things about soft rock balladeer Michael Bolton. Number one is, of course, that mystifying misfortune of a mullet he sported for way too many years–a follicular fiasco that he's, thankfully, resolved. Number two is that he sings sappy and swelling songs about love and loss that (fortunately) do not get played on the radio stations to which Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter tune in. The third thing we know about Mister Bolton is that he's been engaged to Desperate Housewives dee-va and Tinseltown survivor Nicollette Sheridan for a looong time, long enough that one has to wonder if they're ever going to get married. And the fourth tidbit we can pull up from the depths of our gin soaked and sleep deprived mind is that Mister Bolton has long bedded down in the high-toned town of Westport, CT, which the children will recall is the very samy hoity toity hamlet where big bad Martha Stewart shacked up at her television famous Turkey Hill home before she spent a little time in the clink and subsequently moved to her gigantic estate in Bedford, NY.

Now, thanks to the Westport Wailer, we've learned a fifth thing about Mister Michael Bolton, which is that he's recently put his 2.71 acre estate in Westport, dubbed Dalle Acqua, on the market with an asking price of $11,000,000.

As far as Your Mama can piece together with property records, listing information and 411 received from the Westport Wailer, the Bolton estate is located on Kings Highway North and is comprised to two single and separate lots. The larger lot, at 1.51 acres, sits well off the road and includes a 9,633 square foot main house with 6 bedrooms and 6 full and 2 half bathrooms overlooking the resort style swimming pool and alluring Nash's pond beyond. Property records show that the 50-something year old crooner and father of three purchased this piece of his real estate pie in May of 1991 for just $975,000.

Property records reveal the smaller lot, which measures 1.2 acres and fronts Kings Highway North, was purchased in January of 1992 for an undisclosed amount of money and includes a smaller 5,375 square foot residence with 4 bedrooms and 5 full and 3 half bathrooms. Listing information refers to this as a "spacious guesthouse" and Your Mama hears (but can not confirm) from the Westport Wailer that this smaller residence is also utilized as Mister Bolton's music studio.

Although Your Mama is not so much impressed by the faux-Tuscan style of the mansion nor are we particularly pleased with the day-core on display in the photographs and we are generally of the mind that porte cocheres are better left to hotels, we're not revolted either. That is except for the kitchen, where some misguided individual has made the egregious and unforgivable mistake of putting fake greenery atop the kitchen cabinets. Regular readers of our little online endeavor will surely recall that this upsetting botanical bizness violates Mama's decorating rule #827 which clearly states, "No phony foliage allowed. Anywhere and ever. Particularly on top of kitchen cabinets that do not reach the ceiling." Listen hunnies, please, just say no to that nonsense. It really does not look very good and serves no purpose whatsoever. It just means you gotta pay the cleaning ladee extra to climb on a damn ladder to dust that silk shit.

The other considerable concern we have with Mister Bolton's crib is the high number of terlits that need to be cleaned. If the property records are accurate and to be believed, there are sixteen poopers on this property which means, of course, that the owner needs at least two full time gurls with scrub brushes tied to their hard working hands to maintain a high gloss on all those terlit bowls at all times. Given the high cost of finding good terlit gurls who are willing to walk from the main house to the guest house in the high humidity of a Connecticut summer and the bitter cold of an East Coast winter, these 16 terlits might be a real deterrent for a deep pocketed buyer.

Outdoor amenities at Mister Bolton's spread include a fully lit and not quite north-south tennis court, a putting green (an amenity that Your Mama finds utterly bo-ring), a piazza (which we like), a swimming pool reached down a wide and royalty worthy marble staircase, formal gardens, sprawling lawns and a teeny tiny dock on Nash's pond perfect for launching canoes, smoking doobies and keeping an eye on the the natty neighbors across the slim body of water.

Your Mama hasn't a clue what Mister Bolton will do once he unloads his big estate in Connecticut but the children will recall of course, that Miz Sheridan recently and reportedly forked over $4,320,000 for a large and private house in the gated and suburban Los Angeles community of Hidden Hills that she snatched up from a-list lezbeeuns Melissa Etheridge and her wifey/baby momma Tammy Lynn Michaels. So Maybe Mister Bolton is headed for Hidden Hills where he and Miz Sheridan can have other resident celebs such as preggers Lisa Marie Presley, publicity luvin' dee-vorcee Denise Richards and Bruce Jenner and all those big bootied Kardashian behatchas over for brunch.

As far as we know, Miz Sheridan also continues to own the house on Roscomare Road in the hills above Bel Air where she lived with her previous huzband Harry Hamlin. That was back when Mister Hamlin was still a young and noo-bile television hottie and heart throb and long before he married leviathan lipped daytime drama ack-turus and clothing boo-teek owner Lisa Rinna.