Tony Romo Settles Down Near Dallas

BUYER: Tony Romo
LOCATION: Dowling Drive, Irving, TX
PRICE: $699,900 (list)
SIZE: 5,551 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 4 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: $10,000 to buyer. Stunning contemporary home. White marble floors, beautifully landscaped backyard. Pool and spa and outdoor entertaining area. Huge rooms with soaring ceilings. 6 bedrooms plus study, three fireplaces, Luxurious master bath. Ready to move in?

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Oh dear jeezis in heaven, say it ain't so. Not only did Dallas Cowboy quarterback Tony Romo buy an ass uglee mini-mansion in suburban Dallas, TX, he's reportedly asked his current gurly-friend, the recently down on her singing and acting luck Jessica Simpson, to renovate and decorate the marble floored monstrosity. Whaaaat?

Your Mama will agree that poor Miss Simpson may need to explore some new career options, but based on the dee-pressing day-core that we saw in the Calabasas crib she shared with ex-huzband Nick Lachey, we are not convinced that interior decoration is one of them. But then again, what does Your Mama actually know about anything? Perhaps her design sensibilities have matured after all those years hanging around with her nice gay hairstylist Ken Paves.

Anyhoo, according to the sassy and well connected real estate gossip queen Candy Evans who pens the Dallas Dirt blog, the ball tossing beefcake recently scooped up a 5,551 square foot house on Dowling Drive in a town called Irving. Not being overly familiar with the Dallas/Fort Worth area, Your Mama has to consult the internets to learn that suburban Irving sits smack in between (and a little north of) the sister cities of Dallas and Fort Worth. The house was listed at $699,900 and Miz Evans, a Lonestar ladee who usually gets it right, reports that she hears through the Dallas gossip grapevine that Mister Romo paid, "about $670,000" for his new Dallas area digs.

A quick peruse of online maps and listing information provided to Your Mama by Debbie Dallas, Mister Romo's new residence sits inside the guarded gates of a community that overlooks of the Cottonwood Valley Country Club and includes 6 bedrooms and 4 full and 2 half bathrooms, family friendly numbers Your Mama imagines Jessica Simpson's biological clock finds thrilling.

Listing information also indicates there are 4 separate living areas, 2 dining areas, 3 fireplaces, and a 3-car garage. We presume (and hope) that Mister Romo will have the entire house over hauled before moving a single piece of furniture into the place and he is certainly not responsible for the rather bee-zarre 1980s interiors. However, Your Mama can't help but look and look and look at the photographs of the unusually articulated house the way people on the freeway can't stop themselves from rubbernecking as they slow down to pass a bloody car wreck.

The all white, marble floored and double height entry hall leads into the all white and double height living room which also sports glistening Iraqi palace style marble floors and a cock-eyed view of the backyard swimming pool. The dining room features even more marble flooring and a distressing view of the neighbor's shingle roof which is only pitifully obscured by a pink flowered bush. All of which is only made worse by the floor to ceiling mirror clinging to one wall. Holy cow! Now children, in what era did diners actually wish to watch themselves masticating meat and sucking down red wine?

Into the gleaming and glaring all white and porcelain tile floored kitchen where dark glasses are required in order to make omelets and unload the dishwasher we find a suite of, surprise!, white appliances white counter tops. It should come as no surprise that the adjacent family room is also an all white and tile floored tragedy.

But it's in the master bedroom where the full hideosity of Mister Romo's new nest come to its full and obscene flower. Not only has the floor been covered in glossy and slippery black 12 x 12 inch tiles, for some unknown reason a large black bathtub has been sunk right down into the middle of the damn floor, a potentially perilous and possibly lethal set up about which we would think the building code people would gone ballistic. But alas, there it is in all its dubious glory, the "her" bathroom in Alexis Carrington's master suite.

The back yard does feature a modestly sized swimming pool, but we're concerned that there is not currently enough foliage for Miss Simpson to sunbathe in the buff without being seen and possibly photographed by the horny and hormone soaked teenage boys who live in the 'hood.

The bad news for Mister Romo is that it appears to Your Mama that he will have to spend considerable coin doing over every single inch of this place in the renovation that Miss Simpson will allegedly oversee. The good news is that even a non-designer singer/ack-tress like Jessica Simpson will have a tough time making it any worse.

Now somebody, please, point Your Mama at a celebrity owned house in Dallas or some other Texas town that looks good. We know there are some seriously cultured, educated and design savvy folks living in the Lonestar State who know how to do up their Texas sized mansions and colossal condominiums in a high and enviable style. Or at least they know which nice gay decorator to hire to pay for said style. So bring 'em on.