Monday, November 22, 2010

Angelyne the Billboard Queen Sellin' Short in the Bu

SELLER: Angelyne
PRICE: $575,000
SIZE: 1,810 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Anyone who passed through Los Angeles in the 1980s and early 1990s knows Angelyne the Billboard Queen, an honest to goodness showbiz eccentric and nothing less than a Tinseltown treasure.

Through shameless self promotion Angelyne became internationally famous just for being "famous." Starting in the early 1980s billboards and murals began to pop up all over Hollywood that depicted provocative high-camp images of Angelyne with lips pouted, boobs a bustin', platinum polyester hair teased high and looking like a bubble gum cross between Elvira, Barbie and a Lycra encased roller skating waitress from the 1950s.

Little concrete is known about doe-eyed and doughy-skinned Angelyne who has managed to remain a bit of a mystery even though she's spent the last 30 years dragging around town decorated like a Macy's Day Parade float. She's even been known to circulate disinformation about her age and origins but based on our 72 seconds of research on the interweb Your Mama can tell the children that Angelyne might be from Idaho, she might be in her early 50s and nobody whose willing to go public with the 411 really knows how she's paid for all her sassy and tacky stripper-style clothes or her famous pink Corvettes.**

**All you people who think Paris Hilton was the first self-made famous for nothing to make a damn fool of herself with her silly blush colored Bentley got it wrong wrong wrong. Miss Hilton, bless her little heart, merely grabbed a hold of ol' Angelyne's marabou enhanced platform heels and hung on for dear life.

Angelyne's baudy billboards earned her a special if vapid kind of fame, legions of fans, a music video or two but few film roles. Angelyne's first appearance on the silver screen was in 1988 in Earth Girls are Easy. In 1991 she impersonated Barbara Bush in The Malibu Beach Vampires and her most recent role was in 2000 when she played a hitchhiker in the cinematic treat Flies on Cupid. Angelyne entered the political arena in 2002. She ran for the Hollywood city council on a platform that endorsed Hollywood seceding from Los Angeles. She lost. In 2003, after Gray Davis was recalled as the governor of California, she tossed her bespangled barrettes into the ring and made a run for the governorship of California. She managed to get 2,533 votes and, it may surprise some to know, came in a respectable 28th place in a field of 135 kooks and creeps. Only in California, puppies, which is why we love California so.

Anyhoo, time hasn't been entirely kind to our Angelyne who still goes around looking like a parade float, but, you know, maybe one from last years fiesta that got rained on while parked out in the back alley. She's still pink and fluffy with behemoth boobies and skin tight dresses up to her coochie, but it's all busted up and broken down now, like mascara that's done had a long day at the crying festival. Don't nobody misunderstand Your Mama. We love Angelyne. We do. But the ladee needs a good stylist to hook her up with some age-appropriate outfits that don't make everyone cower in fear that something big, bulbous and life-threatening might come popping out of her too-tight habiliments.

Unfortunately, it seems, time hasn't been so kind to Angelyne's once bodacious body or her pink pocketbook either. See kids, thanks to Malibu Maryann, Your Mama recently learned that Angelyne put her condo in the Bu on the market with a short sale asking price of $575,000. That's right puppies, she may be the queen of Hollywood, but Angelyne is a resident of Malibu and for whatever reason–or reasons–is having trouble making her mortgage and has to sell up and get out.

Although we'd bet everything we own it's not the name her momma gave her, public property records show her legal name as Angelyne L'lyne. The same property records reveal that although Angelyne bought up her condo in the Bu in August of 2000 for $530,000 she now owes significantly more than that. Interestingly, from 2000 to 2005 the name of a Los Angeles area oncologist also appears on some of the deeds and documents for the condo. Make of that what you will, chickens.

Listing information for Angelyne's condo, located in a lackluster area of Malibu near Pepperdine University, shows that it stands 3 stories tall with 1,810 square feet of interior space and 3 bedrooms and 4 poopers. Listing information also indicates the ocean view condo, "NEEDS TLC & UPGRADES." We did not add those capital letters, that is how it actually reads in the listing.

It's too bad the listing photos aren't a higher quality but never the less, children, get a nerve pill going up in your system, squint those eyes and have a good long look-see because this day-core is really something to behold. Your Mama can't possibly cover every inch of Angelyne's decorative bowl of domestic disaster in the Bu so we're simply going to select just a few to highlight.

1. As if the over-sized, two-toned hot and baby pink velour furniture spread around the dismal oatmeal carpeted living room weren't enough to make a person puke a little, Angelyne dared to accessorize it all with a miniature pink flamingo statuette sitting on a glass topped table with a lurid pink and gold ceramic leopard base. Your Mama can't even bear to consider the circumstances that allowed for the existence of those fireplace flanking floor lamps trimmed in horrific hot pink fuzziness. Lo-werd have mercy on our weak decorative spleen. Please give Your Mama the strength to see our way through and out of this hot mess.

2. Angelyne really did it in the dining room, people. Not only did she festoon the room with hot pink boas as if boas of any color are acceptable material with which to decorate a home, beehwatcha slipped fuzzy hot pink terlit seat cover things over the seats of the black lacquer dining rooms set. No she didn't. Yes. She. Did.

3. Listing photos show that at least one of the three guest bedrooms was worked over and put through the wringer of Angelyne's one-noted and all pink decorative sensibility and includes cotton candy colored walls, matching deep shag carpeting, and a molded plastic bed frame, end tables and dresser set in the shiniest of hot pink a person should never see. Where does a person even buy furniture like that? Seriously, folks, where? Really turning the decorative piss into vinegar is that tawdry, gauzy and two-toned wannabe baldachin that is only made more heart wrenching when seen in conjunction with the pink heart-shaped pillow and pile of discarded clothes on the floor around the bed.

4. Iffin Your Mama had a dime for every time we went into one of those "cute little gift shoppe" stores, came upon a shelf full of angel figurines spray painted gold and whipped around to our not entirely sober b.f.f. Fiona Trambeau and asked, "What kind of person buys this stuff?" we'd be a multi-millionaire. As it turns out, the answer is Angelyne. That's who spends actual money that angel crap. Beehawtcha buys them, takes them home to her condo in Malibu and hot glues those decorative bedevilments to various gold framed mirrors and around the fireplace in her cotton candy pink master bedroom-boo-dwar. Y'all take a minute to let that soak in if you need to because it's really a doozy.

5. The half deflated air cushions in the spa tub in the tile lined master bathroom hint at an unspeakable loneliness we can't contemplate and the cluttered counter top and wadded up ball of terlit paper or tissue or whatever on the floor in one of the guest poopers looks, well, dirty.

Even more difficult to endure than her unbearable but not unexpected decorating habits is to imagine what may become of the ungracefully aging Angelyne now that she's going to have to vacate her premises in Malibu. Will she wind up in some one-bedroom rental in an ugly and out-dated apartment building in Koreatown with peeling paint and a family of 19 next door? Will she end up stuck out like a dog on fire in Van Nuys? Or will one of her rumored benefactors install her in a quintessentially L.A.-style crib above Hollywood Boulevard where she can cruise up and down the tourist laden streets in her pink Corvette while out of towners and locals alike hoot and holler their bemusement and adoration? That's what we hope will happen. We might not be able to stomach Angelyne's day-core–and we really can't stomach Angelyne's day-core–but we love her. The woman managed to carve out a wee niche in life, on her own whackadoodle terms, that didn't exist before she carved it out. There's something to be admired about that. At least we think so. We're sure some of you will have a different opinion.

listing photos: Community Realty & Financial Services

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