Monday, November 29, 2010

Kim Zolciak Re-Lists Her Wig Storage Facility in Duluth

SELLER: Kim Zolciak
PRICE: $499,000
SIZE: 3,396 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Housing prices continue to drop like flies and celebrities (and quasi celebrities) aren't immune to the sorry state of the economy. One of those homes on the asking price downward spiral is the Duluth, GA townhouse of Real Housewive's of Atlanta's resident wig wearing wonder Kim Zolciak.

Miz Zolciak–who claims to be 32 but, let's be honest chickens, looks like a 40+ year old drag queen with a butt load of Botox up in her face–recently traded in both her married sugar daddy Big Poppa and her lesbian lover DJ Tracy Young for 25-year old professional football player Kroy Biermann. The horned-up mommy of two tweenaged gurls met her new man/boy-friend during a charity event dance contest during which she and about a million other people including Your Mama were unable to take their eyes off of his impossibly firm, Alaska-sized backside. Not long after the dance contest thingambobber, the lovebirds hooked up in short order Mister Beirmann put a baby up in Miz Zolciak. The two were recently engaged and Your Mama sincerely wishes Miz Zolciak a world of be-wigged and wedded bliss even though we fear that as Your Mama's boozy b.f.f. Fiona Trambeau always says about such tawdry romantic situations: "This can only end in tears, this can only end in tears"

Her new bun in the oven may or may not have something to do with Miz Zolciak's renewed interest in selling her townhouse. Back in the summer of 2009, the wannabe pop star who can't carry a tune to save her damn life listed her 3-story townhouse with an asking price of $568,700. No one stepped up to sign the deed on the dotted line and eventually she took the townhouse off the market. Miz Zolciak recently re-listed her upgraded and professionally decorated residence with a much lower asking price of $499,000, not much more than the $486,000 she paid for the place back in January of 2006.

Current listing information shows the townhouse, smashed up between to other townhouses, spans 3,396 square feet and includes 3 bedrooms and 3.5 poopers. Miz Zolciak and her real estate people decided that on this trip to the real estate rodeo they would attempt use her "celebrity" to assist in the marketing of the townhouse. Not only does the listing declare that this is a "REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA LUXURY TOWNHOUSE," one of the listing photos shows Miz Zolciak posed on a tufted bench in her bordello-ish boo-dwar in a pair of ripped up jeans, a frilly rose colored blouse, an inch of pancake make-up and, natch, one of her many faux blond manes.

Even worse, quite frankly, than the photo of Miz Zolciak herself, is the listing photo of the formal dining area where two gigantic photographs of Miz Zolciak and her prodigious cleavage hang on the wall behind the table. Oh hell no. Hunny, pleeze. Who does that? Seriously, what is the psychology that leads someone to actually say to their assistant Lo-teesha Rideabicycle, "Can you call the handyman to come over hang up a couple over-sized professional framed photographs of me with my titties hanging out up in the dining room?"

Listen Miz Zolciak, despite our better judgment we sort of like you. We marvel at your complete disregard for decorum and we can't help but to admire your ought to be deeply embarrassing efforts to have a singing career even though you sound like a damn walrus in heat. However, we must draw the line somewhere and that line is gigantic "glam" photographs of yourself hanging on the wall in the dining room. Trust us when we tell you that with the possible exception of your new baby daddy Kroy nobody–least of all your children–wants to eat a pie from Pizza Hut while looking up at your bustin' boobies. Please don't do this in whatever new house or condo or townhouse you end up moving to, okay? Promise Your Mama you won't do that.

Anyhoo, other amenities and luxuries of Miz Zolciak's lair include a double height foyer, 10-foot ceilings coffered ceiling in the main living areas on the ground floor, fireplace, hardwood and wall to wall carpeted floors, a gore-may kitchen with granite counter tops and a breakfast bar, a separate office, exercise room, family room, second floor laundry room, an over-sized master bedroom with sitting area and spa-style pooper, a small fenced patio with irrigation system and waterfall, and custom fitted closets with wig storage nooks. (Okay, Your Mama don't know know that there are wig storage nooks in Miz Zolciak's closet, but we like to think there are and if there ain't there ought to be.)

Unfortunately for Miz Zolciak, there are at least two other townhouses with identical layouts in her gated complex in suburban Atlanta that are currently listed with much lower price tags of $445,000 and $400,000, a sorry situation that indicates Miz Zolciak may have to come down even lower off her price iffin she's really serious about finding someone to take her townhouse off her freaky French tipped hands.

For photos of Miz Zolciak's crib go here, here and here.

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