Randy Wolf Tosses His Crib on the Market

SELLER: Randy Wolf
LOCATION: Vicasa Drive, Calabasas, CA
PRICE: $4,250,000 (list)
SIZE: 10,204 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Spectacular custom built Med. estate, private and secluded. Guarded gate community. Magnificent estate of over 10,000 sq. ft. Features include a ballroom sized entry and dbl. oak stairs, living room and Great Room with three sitting areas each, a gourmet kitchen w/ Sub Zero and Jennaire appliances. Separate Home Theatre HD updated. Wood paneled Game Room. Tropical paradise in backyard. Master suite w/ sitting area. High Tech surround sound throughout.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: All of our friends and family well know that Your Mama does not know a thing about the professional sports people. However, with an assist from our ball crazy pal Fiona Trambeau, we are going to try to make some sense this morning and sound like we know the difference between a baseball and football, which of course, we do not. Not long ago, the world learned that San Diego Padres leftie pitcher Randy Wolf bought himself some new digs in the Hollywood Hills from Velvet Revolver gee-tarist Slash. Surely the children are not still so hopped up on last night's drug and alcohol binge that they can't recall the drama that whirled around that house?

Just in case, let's Reader's Digest the saga so everyone is up to date: In December of 2005, Slash forked over $6,250,000 to buy the Wattles Drive house because, it was rumored, he and the wifey Perla were headed to the high court of dee-vorce and the aging rock star was gonna need a place to lay up with all the Hollywood hussies who were sure to beat down his door with their Lucite heel sling backs the moment they got wind of the split. But the Mister and Missus managed to work out their differences and the Wattles Drive house went back on the market for $6,995,000. No buyers presented themselves. The asking price was reduced several times and Slash got so pissed the house wasn't selling he filed a million dollar lawsuit against his real estate agent claiming the agent misrepresented the property during the purchase. Please. Finally, Slash managed to unload his real estate mistake in December 2007 for $5,725,000, a gigantic financial loss. The buyer was the above mentioned ball tosser Randy Wolf.

As it turns out, Mister Wolf also needed to sell his Calabasas crib on Vicasa Drive in a small guard gated development which was recently on the market for $4,250,000. Property records reveal that the sidewinder purchased the tremendous 10,204 square foot residence on its .78 acre parcel in June of 2003 for $2,385,000.

Listing information indicates that in addition to the large public rooms (living, dining, kitchen, family, and game rooms), the brick shaped behemoth features a whopping 7 bedrooms and 8 bathrooms, which seems like an awful lot of house for a single fellow who was in his mid-20s when he bought the big house.

Now kids, we know that Mister Wolf had better things to do with his time than worry about the day-core of his stupendous suburban mansion, and we realize that the color of his furniture and the intricate swag of his curtains was probably of little or no interest to the man. But perhaps it should have been. Your Mama has never been a fan of these sprawling and newly built suburban mansions that are smothered in beige carpet and stuffed full of even more brown and beige furniture that is set off against black granite counter tops and Home Despot quality lighting fixtures, and this house is prime example of why we get all gaggy and bitchy when we're discussing those sorts of homes.

However, rather than get all steamed up and righteous about those deeply dee-pressing curtains that have us wanting to poke out our eyes with a fork, or that glitzy and impossible to keep clean black marble floor in the entrance hall, we'll try to take the high road this morning and find a few nice things to say. Your Mama always appreciates a long gated driveway with thick foliage at the front of the property to provides at least a sense of privacy and security. The four car garage is great for sheltering a fleet of big BMWs and there are two fireplaces, one in the formal living room and another in the master bedroom. Two is good, but we'd have preferred to see a third to anchor the commodious and beige family room also.

The movie thee-ay-ter is a nice feature (except for the vulgar red carpet), and although Your Mama is not and never will be a fan of grown men having children's toys on display, we do credit Mister Wolf with having such kooky and quirky objects as life size Star Wars mannequins, an air hockey table, and a sofa crafted from the butt end of a 1950s Cadillac. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would sooner peel off our own skin than have any of that crap cluttering up one of our homes, but at least the pleasingly paneled game room reflects Mister Wolf's gen-u-wine personality, unlike all those other beige, brown and banal rooms that are totally devoid of life.

We heard rumors from The Calabasas Cackler and the always in the know Lucy Spillerguts confirmed that Mister Wolf's house was purchased by recently rehabbed rock star Richie Sambora, the dumbass who left the soo-blime Heather Locklear for the publicity hungry crazy train that is Denise Richards. Naturally, those two parted company long ago, but not before the world was subjected to any number of pukey reports and photos of them sucking face everywhere they went.

As a side note, Your Mama hears that Slash and Perla have sold their long time crib that hovers above Valley Vista Boulevard in Sherman Oaks and are thisclose to purchasing a big new house on or just off Mulholland Drive. Details are slim at this point, but we'll see what we can dig up in the next few weeks.

Your Mama would like to wish Mister Wolf a happy home in the Hollywood Hills. Listen hunny, let Your Mama give you an unsolicited word of advice: Do yourself and all your guests a favor and spend some of your big San Diego Padres paycheck to hire a nice gay decorator to do up the day-core of your new house. If you need a few names, give Your Mama a shout and we'd be happy to hook you up.