Tuesday, April 7, 2009

The Hilton's Summer House of Horrors

OWNERS: Rick and Kathy Hilton
LOCATION: Fordune Drive, Water Mill, NY
PRICE: $400,000 (MD-LD)
SIZE: 6 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...The grounds are secluded wand the home feature a large living room with fireplace and French doors leading to a large screened porch. There is a large library with fireplace, a large in in kitchen and large formal dining room. The ground floor also features a den and a master suite. The second floor features a a large master bedroom and bath, 2 additional bedrooms with baths and a large office/den space. The is also a 2 bedroom, 2 bath suite accessed by separate staircase. The lower level features a large den and several staff bedrooms with baths...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Let's all get in our mental time machines and go back to late 2007 when a dee-lishusly scandalous article in Vanity Fair magazine reported that Rick and Kathy Hilton, proud parents of tabloid celebutards Paris, Nikki and Barron, leased their house near Southampton, NY for the 2007 summer season to a tenant who was bitterly unhappy with the bedraggled condition of the property. One of Vanity Fair's chatty and catty sources, an unnamed someone who claimed to have been inside the sprawling house, went so far as to declare, "Everything in it is moldy and filthy. Most of the screens on the windows are broken. Their dogs are obviously not house-trained. But they don't see it. These are people whose daughter has sex on a tape, and they think that's fine."

Oh dear. Ouch.

Given that real estate beat down in the mainstream media, Your Mama would have imagined that Mister and Missus Hilton would have sooner sold the house than to lease it again to a stranger who might tattle to the press about their impressions of the property. But alas, like their heat seeking pap magnet daughter Paris, the elder Hiltons appear to be gluttons for public punishments too. That's right puppies, much to the surprise–and delight–of Your Mama, the Hiltons and their big shingled house in Water Mill are back at the summer rental rodeo. Those gossipy gals who pen the Real LI column at Newsday recently revealed that Mister and Missus Hilton have put their summer house in the Hamptons up for a Memorial Day to Labor Day summer lease with an asking price of $400,000.

Property records indicate Mister and Missus Hilton scooped up their fully hedged 2.7 acre estate on Fordune Drive in September of 1999 for $2,385,000. Although listing information states the house is approximately 10,000 square feet, records show the house measures just 6,994 square feet. Your Mama will posit with no authority or actual knowledge that the additional square footage is probably located in the finished basement.

The main rooms, according to listing information, include a double-height entrance hall with a gently curving staircase and a few fake flower accents, a living room that seems to be trying–and failing miserably–to appear as if it had been done up by chintz queen Mario Buatta, a dining room with two large round tables and one too tiny chandelier, a library/den with a fireplace and blood red walls, and an eat in kitchen that Your Mama is petrified to even think of because we feel deep in our snarky heart that not only is it depressingly dated, but we'd bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly that there's a grotesquely giant pot rack swinging from the ceiling.

According to listing information, there are six bedrooms and 7.5 bedrooms spread throughout the house. There is a main floor master suite as well as a second master suite on the second floor where there are two additional bedrooms with private poopers. Above the 3-car garage and accessible by a separate staircase are two more bedrooms with private poopers. Down in the finished basement, according to listing information, is a large "den" and several "staff rooms" and baths.

While the day-core of the entire Hilton house is a vicious assault on Your Mama's delicate decorative sensibilities, the basement is where the horror comes to its full fruition. Admittedly, we have a sincere and strong aversion to any finished basement, but this one is beyond the pale. Clearly no nice gay decorator has ever stepped foot in that basement with its disturbing dropped ceiling and painted red floor. And let's not even discuss the Pinocchio figurine on the étagère, the bizarre profusion of fake flowers, the sofa set and coffee table that look to Your Mama like they were dragged home from the damn dump, or those dark and deeply depressing "staff rooms." If Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter told our imperious housegurl Svetlana that she would be staying in one of those dank looking basement bedrooms, beehawtcha would surely sneak upstairs in the middle of the night and slit our throats.

The grounds of the Hilton estate include a circular drive, a sport court, a free form swimming pool and vast stretches of flat green lawns. The property sits a short skip from Fowler Beach, a sugar sandy spot widely known among Hamptonites as one of the places fancy gays gather to sunbathe. Why Missus Hilton doesn't just pop down there and snag one of the many nice gay decorator types laying around in their itty bitty bathing suits to give her a hand doing up her house is beyond our comprehension.

In addition to their in desperate need of a do-over hideaway in the Hamptons, Mister and Missus Hilton also own a recently rebuilt estate on swank Copa de Oro Road in Bel Air, CA which records show they purchased in March of 2004 for an undisclosed amount of money. The Hiltons occupied a large suite at the Waldorf Astoria for many years, but Hotel Harry tells us they vacated their lavish rooms at the super swish Manhattan hotel back in 2002.

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