Friday, May 25, 2007

Suzanne Somers' Temporary Housing.

RENTER: Suzanne Somers and Alan Hamel
LOCATION: Serra Retreat, Sweetwater Mesa Road, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $25,000/month
SIZE: 4.35 acres, 5,015 square feet, 4 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Let's face it, Miss Suzanne Somers is a kook. She is. But that's why the world loves and appreciates her, right? Your Mama first learned to love Miss Suzanne Somers in her role as the dimwitted and big titted Chrissy on Three's Company back in the late 1970s. Back then millions of highly hormoned teenage boys touched themselves privately while looking at her pictures. But unfortunately the lady was fired after five seasons for asking for a raise. Imagine that?

Then came the "Thigh Master," and anyone with a television was tortured with the infomercials where lycra-clad Miss Suzanne Summers squeezed a cheap and vulgar looking contraption between her thighs in a way that was more than just a little suggestive. All the while she grinned at the camera like the Cheshire cat talking about her firm thighs and booty. Dear jeezis, Your Mama is just so glad we are no longer subjected to that insanity.

Next came the "Somersizing" phenomena, where over weight ladies and gentlemen across America were encouraged to "Eat, Cheat, and Melt the Fat Away." Which certainly sounds appealing, but naturally Your Mama is skeptical. Miss Suzanne Somers continues to hawk her "Somersizing" program and makes boo-coo bucks selling the shit on the Home Shopping Network. Of course.

Most recently we have the brave breast cancer survivor and one-time ack-tress up on that Larry King Live show shrieking and yapping about something called Bioidentical Hormone Replacement Therapy. Lawhd children, Your Mama only knows the definition of two of those four words, so we can't even begin to tell you what that is all about. But we know it is very controversial. Perhaps the nearly dead Larry King should consider a treatment or two of the bio-stuff if it'll help him see his youngest children graduate elementary school. Oh, ouch.

Miss Suzanne Summers has long been a resident of Malee-boo, and in January of 2007 her mansion burned to the ground during a wild fire. To the ground children. She lost every material thing she owned at that house. A real tragedy. Ever the optimist, Miss Suzanne Somers was quoted as saying, "My nature is to look at the glass half-full. I truly believe we will learn something great from this experience." Well, Your Mama may think she's strange like fruit, but we gotta respect that kind of positive thinking.

Miss Suzanne Somers and her ex-game show host huzband Alan Hamel are rebuilding their home, but in the meantime they need a place to live. It is Your Mama's understanding the couple have leased this big house up in the Serra Retreat to live in while construction proceeds full steam ahead on their house. Y'all may recognize the Serra Retreat as the same gated enclave Britney Spears and Kevin Federline lived, and where the couple are having a tough time selling their tainted spread.

The contemporary house with 4 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms (two masters according to the listing), sits on 4.35 acres on one of the premiere non-ocean front streets in Malee-boo. The gated estate includes a large, flat and grassy yard with swimming pool and amazing ocean views.

Can y'all see the big, dramatic curving stair case in the entry? This house is really something and we can just see Miss Suzanne Somers coming to the big glass front door with a protein shake in one hand and syringe full of hormones in the other.

Sources: Internet Movie Data Base, MSNBC, Pierce Mattie,

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