Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Andy Dick: Valley Boy?

BUYER: Andy Dick
LOCATION: Hatteras Street, Woodland Hills, CA
PRICE: $703,000
SIZE: 2,429 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...Enter this one-story home- the model home of its tract–and you are immediately looking at a 15,000 s.f. flat lot w/ pool spread out before you like your own private park! You know exactly how to bring this exposed beam, hi ceilinged diamond-in-the-rough to estate status....

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Ack-tor, "comedian," and professional fool Andy Dick is well known for taking his indecent, inappropriate and, frankly, not particularly funny ways wherever he may go and now the lucky residents of the San Fernando Valley have this hot mess of a man to contend with. Yes children, property records show that back in January of 2008 Mister Dick purchased a house on Hatteras Street in hotter than Hades Woodland Hills.

For all the children who live under a gossip rock and don't already know far too much about his public shenanigans let Your Mama give you a small sampling of Mister Dick's alarming behavior. Mister Dick has been rehabbed at least thrice, sired three children with two women, was recently picked up and taken to the pokey for allegedly groping a teenage gurl in some forsaken California town called Murieta, been booted from more parties than there are numbers to count and sometimes, unfortunately, flashes his peen for crowds. We'd feel bad for Mister Dick and his apparent issues with booze and other nefarious substances, but we sort think that he's made his obscene behavior and public inebriation into his professional gimmick. And as everyone knows, "You Gotta Have a Gimmick" if you want to get ahead.

Anyhoo, property records show that the out and proud bisexual forked over $703,000 to buy a three bedroom and 2 bathroom house that measures in at 2,429 square feet. Listing information shows the house was built in 1963 as the model home for the tract development in which is sits and was marketed as a fixer upper. We're not exactly sure how it is that Mister Dick makes his money, but let's hope he has a few pennies left for the renovations.

We'll probably catch some serious heat for saying this but Your Mama would sooner call hell home than shack up in Woodland damn Hills where temperatures regularly hover around 100 degrees. None-the-less, Mister Dick's new home has a vaguely Wexler and Eichler-esque quality to it and we think with a smart architect, an attractive landscaper and a nice gay–or in Dick's case, bisexual–decorator it just might be possible to turn this into a lovely, if not particularly well located, mid-century residence. Plus, we're digging the secluded free-form swimming pool surrounded by tons of flagstone.

Property records show Mister Dick also owns two undeveloped parcels in Topanga Canyon that reports indicate span roughly 80 acres and we've recently heard through the gossip grapevine that he is either renting or purchased a live/work condo on Cahuenga Boulevard near Universal City but we're unable to confirm that with property records right now so don't none of you go reporting that like it's celebrity real estate gospel.

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