The Beige Bisno Behemoth in Beverly Park

SELLER: Robert Bisno
LOCATION: Beverly Park Circle, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $29,500,000
SIZE: 16,800 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Fabulous estate on over five lush acres. Magnificent entry. Luxurious master suite w/ exquisite his/her master bath, adjoining gym & spa. Features a media room, piano room & wood paneled, two-story office, elevator. Brand new, brick-lined wine cellar w/ its own dining and living areas. Glorious kitchen that leads out to a meticulously manicured rose garden, a gorgeous pool & step-down tennis court. Outdoor cabana w/ expansive living area, bar & bath. Private walking paths throughout the property.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: While normally we focus on the homes of celebrity types, we're going to branch out just a bit this morning and talk about a huge house recently listed for sale in Beverly Park, the grandiose grand daddy of luxury gated communities in southern California. The mansion, owned by controversial and prolific property developer Robert Bisno and one of six Beverly Park palaces currently on the open market, has popped up with an asking price of $29,500,000.

Some of the children will recall that back in the Spring of 2008 Your Mama has discussed this mammoth mansion on several previous occasions because there was a bit of brouhaha about the opulent property coming thisclose to being foreclosed...a very rare thing along the rarefied and ridiculously rich streets of Beverly Hills.

Although it would seem that big biznessman Bisno managed to pull his large and lavish home from the angry and gaping maw of foreclosure, he's decided to sell the extremely expensive to maintain property which records and listing information reveals measures in at approximately 16,800 square feet and sits on a five-plus acre lot. Sixteen thousand square feet may be the size of damn boo-teek hotel, however, it is hardly one of the larger houses in Beverly Park where really rich real estate size queens go to gloat and strut their deep pockets in a peacockian display meant to impress, well, everybody.

Listing information indicates the Bisno residence has five bedrooms and nine bathrooms including a master bedroom bigger than most houses that features dual master bathrooms, gargantuan walk in closets, and an adjoining gym and spa. Even though we don't like the overall day-core in the master bedroom we are totally and completely in love with that gildeda nd gorgeously campy four poster bed. It's truly horrible, but we could work that shit out.

Other features, according to listing information, are a double height living room done up in all manner of beige and champagne colored furniture and a mostly brown dining room for 12 or more with an intricately carved ceiling that looks like it might have been imported from some old castle somewhere. The two-story paneled office/library includes floor to ceiling book cases filled with books that don't even look like they're real (they may be, they just don't look like it to our untrained eye). The gore-may kitchen features a breakfast room, all the refrigerators, ovens and warming drawers a private chef might require, and the largest and most dangerous copper pot laden pot rack Your Mama has ever had the misfortune of laying our beady little eyes on. Sitting in those hideous armchairs at that breakfast bar is taking your life into your own hands and we do not recommend eating toast or pancakes or anything else while sitting there unless you are wearing a damn football helmet and you have all your life insurance in order.

Other rooms include a grand entrance hall with a swooping staircase, a piano room, den, a lackluster family room with even more champagne colored divans, a beige media room with beige recliners and beige carpeting, and somewhere–rather surprisingly–is a room devoted entirely to a ping pong table. We've never seen this particular quirk before and we really and truly do not know how to process that information.

On the lower floor, the Bisno's have installed a brick lined wine cellar that includes a large game room, a small tasting room as well as its own living room and dining rooms. All the well to do winos of the world will love the basement rooms so that they can can always be comfortable and within safe staggering distance of their high priced wines and spirits. And too, they'll appreciate the elevator to whisk their boozy butts all the way up to the second floor bedrooms.

The extensively landscaped and meticulously maintained grounds include a very green and long lawn that probably costs as much to maintain every year as it does to buy a Mercedes, a long swimmers pool and spa with an adjacent pool house and bath, and a sunken tennis court for which Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would kill to have in our own, much smaller backyard.

Listen children, other than the tennis court, the dee-voonly ridiculous bed in the master bedroom and the extensive wine cellar there's really little here that we can honestly swoon about. We certainly prefer to live with much more color around us (what is it with very rich people and their beige day-core?), we have far more contemporary taste in furniture and art than we see up in this mansion, and we'd sooner live in a cardboard box than be subjected to the obvious dangers of that leviathan pot rack. However, this is clearly how many of the super rich residents all over Los Angeles like to live as is evidenced by the many (MANY) other mansions we've discussed with very expensive but atrociously banal and beige day-core. Our decorative cries and pleas will surely go unheard and unheeded and that's just fine. Everyone has a right to live any way they want.

Other bonuses of living in Beverly Park are the guarded gates, the smug knowledge that everyone around you is impossibly rich, the private (and heavily armed) private security that patrol the wide and empty streets 24/7, and a private play park for the kids which we're told is NEVER used since everyone in Bev Park has the space and means to provide their youngins with private back yard play grounds. Plus, if you act quickly, you might be lucky enough to have that diminutive musician Prince–who currently leases one of the mega-mansions in Beverly Park–come ringing your bell and knocking on your elaborately carved door with the latest issue of Awake and a few words of whispered religious wisdom.