Thursday, March 12, 2009

Hugh Hefner Wants to Unload One Next Door

SELLERS: Hugh and Kimberly Hefner
LOCATION: S. Mapleton Drive, Los Angeles
PRICE: $27,995,000
SIZE: 7,318 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Exquisite 2 Acre Country English Holmby Hills Manor. ADJACENT TO LOS ANGELES COUNTRY CLUB. This magnificent walled estate includes remarkable grounds and privacy. 2 story entry, spacious living room w/ fireplace & beautiful garden vistas, large family room adjoins the dining room & eat-in gourmet kitchen opening to charming outdoor terrace. Enormous motor court. Rolling lawns, mature trees and wonderful private pool area.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Octogenarian playboy Hugh Hefner keeps a few big breasted bunny hunnies up in the Playboy Mansion at all times, including those three not very smart seeming blondies that appeared on that ho-rrific The Girls Next Door reality program and who were recently replaced with a taut bodied set of teen aged twins named Karissa and Kristina and a third gal whose name Your Mama can't be bothered to figure out. However, despite all his catting around with mammoth mammaried women young enough to be his great-grandchildren, the ladee luvin' soft porn pusher actually has a wife. Well, sort of...

Kim Hefner, who was not surprisingly a former Playmate of the Year, married Mister Hefner in 1989 and quickly popped out a couple of Playboy progeny. The couple separated–but did not divorce–in 1999 and the Missus Hefner moved into the property immediately next door to Mister Hefner's house of ill repute where she has lived with her children and which she recently listed with an impressive asking price of $27,995,000.

Property records show that the once happy Hefners purchased the walled and gated 2.3 acre estate on S. Mapleton Drive in April of 1996. The records we accessed were a bit fuzzy (or maybe is was that Bloody Mary we had this morning), but the always informative Penny Pricegiver whispered in our big greedy ear that the Hefners paid $6,700,000 and, interestingly, financed the whole amount. They bought the estate from the estate of TV Guide heiress turned philanthropist Lita Annenberg Hazen–of the Annenbergs–whose sister Enid married a man named Haupt and famously occupied a spectacular doo-plex penthouse apartment at 740 Park Avenue which was sold with multiple bids in late 2006 for a reported twenty seven and a half million clams.

After she went to meet her maker (or whatever), Missus Haupt's terraced two bedroom aerie was purchased by former CEO of Merrill Lynch John Thain and his wifey Carmen. The Thains have been ravaged recently by the media who quite rightly took Mister Thain to task not only for for spending a jaw dropping $1.22 million smackers of company money to redecorate his private office at Merrill Lynch but also for handing out four billion bucks in bonuses just three days before Merrill Lynch was acquired to Bank of America for $50 billion. Missus Thain, a woman used to living well and spending big, took her lumps in the press when she infamously (and allegedly) asked the sales clerks at Herm├Ęs if they could place her purchases in a plain brown shopping bag, presumably so that it would not appear she was conspicuously consuming at a time when her huzband was being raked over the coals for his dirty deeds at Merrill Lynch.

Anyhoo, we digress. Some reports state that Mister and Missus Hefner are selling up the big house because their two sons will soon be off to college and the Holmby Hills sprawler is simply too big for the Missus to occupy all on her lonesome. Other earlier reports not related to the listing of the house indicate that like so many other moguls, Mister Hefner is feeling the financial pinch and has been told by his advisers to cut expenses and lay off employees or face bankruptcy.

Listing information for the house, which backs up the fancy-pants Los Angeles Country Club just like Candy Spelling's monster mansion down the road, reveals the well proportioned ivy-covered crib measures in at 7,318 square feet and contains 5 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms.

The house is approached through electronic gates that open to a stately circular driveway and a massive motor court at the front of the house. Listing information indicates the house includes a two story entrance hall, a large living room with one of the home's three fireplaces, a library with a second fireplace, a family room that adjoins the dining room and eat in kitchen which all open to the rear terrace and the soccer pitch sized lawn that clearly costs a small fortune to keep as green as a leprechaun's ass.

As an aside, Your Mama can't help but wonder what's going to happen to these leviathan lawns that stretch out in front and back of all the palatial Platinum Triangle mansions once the inevitable water rationing begins. Of course, the very well to do can afford to water their lawns at any cost. However, water rationing means they will be fined up the wazoo if they use more than their allotment and doing so will probably piss off the people doing their part by letting it mellow when its yellow.

Whatever the case, the grounds of Missus Hefner's home has been lushly landscaped and includes vast expanses of lawn and a large rectangular swimming pool with an old-fashioned diving board that is surrounded by not very appealing brick and concrete terracing. The property does not currently include a tennis court, but there is certainly room for one should the next owner be the racket swinging sort.

The back yard shares a very long lot line with the Playboy Mansion next door. While there's undoubtedly a certain amount of prurient ingtrigue that comes along with owning the house next door to Mister Hefner's famous party pad, we can imagine that it could get a little tiresome to listen to Hollywood hornbags like Jeremy Piven woo scantily clad bunny wannabes back to his lair in Malee-boo and we know that on the days Mister Hefner was hosting one of his famously debauched parties, it would require more then one nerve pill for Your Mama to cope with a few dozen bimbos with plastic breasts screaming and hollering the way bimbos with plastic breasts to often scream and holler when they get a few cocktails in them.

It's an interesting time for the Hefner's to put this house on the market given that there is a bit of a glut on high priced Platinum Triangle mansions at the moment. However, for all those who have not been wiped out by that beast Bernie Madoff or managed to get out of the market before it lost half it's value, there are any number of extremely large, lavish and well located estates with owners eager to dump them.

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