Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Heather Mills Is Flipping Out on The Bishop's Avenue.

SELLER: Heather Mills
LOCATION: The Bishops Avenue, London, UK
PRICE: £3,750,000
SIZE: 242 square meters, 3 bedrooms, 3 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...The apartment which comprises 242 sqm/2601 sq ft has been interior designed to an extremely high standard and is thus presented in immaculate decorative order throughout...Principal Bedroom with Dressing Room & En-Suite Bathroom, 2 Further Bedrooms, 1 Further Bathroom (En-Suite), Shower Room (En-Suite), Reception/Dining Room, Kitchen/Breakfast Room, Utility Room, Guest Cloakroom.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Ah yes, London's The Bishop's Avenue, where cheesed up magnates and big money potentates live in some of the largest and most garish architectural vulgarities that were ever erected anywhere on the damn planet. For example, Steel mogul Lakshmi Mittal owns–but does not occupySummer Palace, an 11 bedroom behemoth with 6 reception rooms, a swimming pool in the basement and a glass elevator that has more architecturally in common with a department store than a private residence. Immediately next door to Mittal's monster on The Bishop's Avenue is the residential beast Turkish tycoon Halis Toprak sold in early 2008 to a mysterious buyer for somewhere in the neighborhood of £50,000,000. Other inhabitants/property owners include the Sultan of Brunei, gossip and porn purveyor Richard Desmond, the Saudi royal family (who are rumored to own at least 10 of the 60-some properties on The Avenue), a group of squatters called the Invisible Expanding Collective, and Heather Mills.

That's right chickens, Heather Mills, the one-legged former wife of Beatle Sir Paul McCartney. Technically, the uni-limbed dee-vorcee does not own a mansion, but rather a modestly sized but lavishly expensive condominium at the very pricey Allingham Court condo complex. Previous reports reveal Miz Mucca forked over around £2,350,000–or nearly four million U.S. clams–for the posh property in late 2008. Less than one year after buying the flat, the former and unlikely Dancing With The Stars contestant was stricken with the real estate fickle and has recently flipped the apartment back on the market with an asking price of £3,750,000 or–according to Your Mama's currency converting contraption–$6,223,162US at today's rates.

If the reports of the purchase price are accurate, a few flicks of the well worn beads of our bejeweled abacus shows that Miz Mucca hopes to pocket a quite considerable $1,400,000 profit in less than a year of ownership. Granted, listing information for three bedroom and 3 full and 2 half pooper spread indicates the condo is being offered fully furnished, but still....

The residence was purchased amid rumors and reports that Miz Mucca was doing the dirty with another Bishop's Avenue resident, West End theatre producer Marc Sinden. Despite being seen tooling around Monaco and the Tate Modern together. As if anyone would much care about or object to Miz Mucca or Mister Sinden's dating habits, both parties have denied a romantic relationship.

Anyhoo, listing information for Miz Mucca's flat on The Bishop's Avenue indicates it measures 242 square meters, or 2,601 square feet for all us Americanos who don't understand the metric system. A peek and a poke around the floor plan shows the front door opens to a proper but windowless entrance hall where Miz Mucca and her team of nice, gay decorators have set the stylistic tone for the entire apartment with an aggressively neutral palette or biege, brown, ecru, biscuit, oatmeal and a bit of silver here and there. The milk chocolate walls (which look like they might be some sort of grass cloth), are set off with a silver sunburst mirror that presides over a slim and shiny side table topped with a couple of urns that look like the sort of thing one stores mummy and daddy after they've gone to meet their maker.

The marble floors of the entrance hall give way to hazelnut colored wood floors in the "reception room," otherwise known as a combination living/dining room. A trio of floor to ceiling windows would let light flood into an otherwise drab looking room if it weren't for the gauzy, taupe colored sheers. A couple of two-toned khaki colored sofas flank the fireplace and a chunky cylindrical coffee table holds a candle, a few stacked books, an objet d'art or two, and an Hermès orange box, the only object in the room that can not be accurately described as being a shade of brown.

The sleek, state of the art Poggenpohl kitchen includes all the new fangled fanciness a millionaire's private cook might want including an adjacent utility room and half pooper because, you know children, even in modestly sized apartments like this the staff do not under any circumstances make use of the guest pooper in the corridor that leads from the entrance hall to the bedrooms. Each of the bedrooms includes adequate closet space and a marble-clad private pooper. The glammy but all shades of beige master bedroom includes a dressing room, a bee-day for washing the naughty bits, a wee balcony in the tree tops, biscuit colored wall to wall carpeting and, behind the bed, a coppery-khaki colored padded wall, about which we will bite our tongue. Other luxuries include solid walnut doors, 3 meter tall ceilings–that's about ten feet according to our conversion contraption, air cooling systems–even though it's rarely hot enough for the a/c in London, and underfloor heating, a luxury Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter j'adore.

As one can and should expect in a dee-luxe and outrageously expensive 12-unit condo complex, the Allingham Court has amenities coming out the wazoo including electronic drive gates, 24-hour uniformed porterage (that's a doorman who carries groceries as best as we can surmise), CCTV and individual security systems, award winning communal gardens, secure underground parking, and a leisure center with an indoor swimming pool and gymnasium.

Although she may end up without a base in London, Miz Mucca will hardly be homeless when she sells her Bishop's Avenue crib. Miz Mucca reportedly owns a home in Robertsbridge, Sussex (a natty area of Hove in East Sussex), an apartment in Paris, and a glassy, 2-bedroom aerie in one of the Richard Meier designed towers on Perry Street which records show she scooped up in July of 2008 for $4,900,000. According to a source who claims friendship with Miz Mucca, "Heather realises she has more homes than a person could ever need, so selling the flat makes sense. And if she can make a 50 per cent profit why shouldn't she?" Uhm, well because the London property market is in the terlit so a 50% profit in less than a year not only seems grossly greedy but highly unlikely. But then again, what do we know? Nuthin', that's what.

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