Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Slade's Orange County Mess

SELLER: Slade Smiley
LOCATION: 14 Meadow Wood Drive, Coto De Caza, CA
PRICE: $1,725,000
SIZE: 4,800 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Spectacular elegant customized hoome with high ceiling, large rooms, travertine floors, custom light fixtures, new double ovens, microwaves, 4 dishwasher drawers, Cooks delight kitchen, with exotic granite Island, cozy breakfast nook, Large over sized family room, Large bedrooms and romantic master, circular driveway and premier cul de sac location make this a must see home. Recently remodeled and ready for your choice in new carpet.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Oh lawhd hunnies, when we first saw this posted on the excellent Curbed LA website we just about lost our minds. Every Tuesday Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter sit down to watch The Housewives of Orange County and every week we are left breathless at the confusing and upsetting lives of the citizens of Coto De Caza. Many a scene of this train wreck of a reality show were filmed in this house which of course was the home base for hunky and scruffy Slade and his dimwitted girlfriend Jo.

Before anyone gets up on a high horse and tries to tell Your Mama we're just jealous we don't have a big multi-million dollar McMansion in a gated community and a money tree in the backyard, let us tell you we would sooner slit our own throat than live down behind the Orange Curtain. We have been to the slums of Johannesburg babies, and believe Your Mama when we tell you, Soweto is a better place to live. Surely if the devil walks the face of the earth, he would choose to live down in Coto De Caza with all those crazy bitches with fake titties, fake tans, and fake teeth. Fake. Fake. FAKE. And the snotty children...don't even get Your Mama started on those ungrateful little brats who imagine they have enough money they don't need to be educated. Please.

If you missed the season finale, you might be wondering why the good looking but half-witted Slade would be selling his suburban house of horrors. Here's a recap. Jo, the "girlfriend," who shamefully and disturbingly acts and talks like a seven year old girl most of time, up and left Slade for a life of late nights and public vomiting in Hollywood. She was not ready to be a semi-retired housewife restricted to the confines of backyard barbecues and soccer mommies gossiping about plastic surgery victims. We can't really blame her for that, Your Mama would surely stroke out in that environment too. And, this is the best part, bitch went to Hollywood pursue her dream to be a pop star. Stop laughing now babies, she says she's serious about it and she's even met with a music producer with fingers full of bling and a klassy pimped out Bentley.

So off she goes, flying up the 405 in the Mercedes Slade paid for, declaring her independence all the way to the tacky two bedroom apartment she was planning on sharing with her slightly less retarded friend J.J.

Poor Slade. Left alone to ramble around in that big, ugly house all by himself. Well, turns out the ignoramus can't just move on and find a new high-maintenance hussy who wants to live behind the gates of Hell. For reasons Your Mama can not comprehend, he really loves Jo. So what does the little bugger do? He puts the house on the market and moves to Hollywood where he is going to be Jo's music manager. Yes children, you read that correctly. If he can't be the boyfriend, apparently he'll settle for being the manager.

Your Mama just thinks that's sad. No. More than sad. Utterly depressing. Your Mama suspects a reality show spin off is desperately being shopped around. Which is even more depressing.

Slade's house is being listed by none other than the real estate maven housewife Jeana Keough, for whom Your Mama has a soft spot. Poor thing has to raise up those nasty kids without any help from her surly huzband. Anyhoo, Your Mama suspects a house like this is a hot commodity in Coto, however, we are sorry to say we can't find one thing in this house we can say something positive about.

The unnerving spectacle of the house really speaks for itself, but we have to tell the children the three most pressing issues we have with the house.

First off we have the acres of white carpeting. Does anyone really think white wall to wall carpeting is a good idea? It's not. Ever. Even if you're Barbra Streisand.

Secondly, those recliners in the "media room" are so unbelievably horrid Your Mama doesn't even know where to begin. Thankfully those tacky excuses for chairs do not come with the house.

And one thing that is not visible in the photos is that this house does not have a swimming pool or a spa. Now, we don't know about any of you, but that seems criminal. Who in Coto would dare not to have such standard equipment? That alone could keep this house from selling.

If anyone cares, Slade purchased this house in February of 2002 for $822,000.

We're sure some leather skinned mommy will pull up in her Escalade and feel in her fake little heart that she's found the perfect house for her and her family. The only good that we see in all of this? Jeana gets a big fat commission check.

Source: Curbed LA, ReMax

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