Friday, March 9, 2007
Will The Real Avril Lavigne Please Stand Up
SELLER: Avril Lavigne
LOCATION: 3331 Clerendon Road, Beverly Hills Post Office, CA
SIZE: 6,864 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Fabulous 2 story entry way opens to the generous rooms of this luxurious home. Property features numerous outdr areas to suit any mood. Private N/S tennis court, pool, spa, BBQ area or relax in meditation garden. High vaulted ceilings throughout, hardwd flrs, French drs, fab kitchen w/every amenity needed to prepare a gourmet meal. Center island, granite counters.
YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: 03.25.07 / Priced reduced from $6,900,000 to $6,200,000
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: She spits at paparazzi, sometimes writes "Fuck You" when signing autographs, flips the bird at any camera pointed at her, and generally cultivates an image of a bellicose and bitchy teenager. But guess what children, Your Mama thinks Avril Lavigne is fronting. Under all that bad behavior and pop punk exterior Your Mama is quite sure beats the heart of a traditional young gurl who just wants to be a princess.
When the Canadian pop-rocker and Sum 41 front man Deryk Wibley were married last summer in Santa Barbara, the nuptials followed ev-er-ee standard convention those horrific bridal magazines push on rich young gurls. Big white Vera Wang dress. Check. Daddy walking his princess down the aisle. Check. White Rolls Royce? Check. Big diamond in a platinum setting. Check. Just about the only thing unconventional about this whole damn affair were the cute little guitar picks the couple gave to their guests imprinted with "Avril picked Deryk" and "Deryk picked Avril" in Gothic script. Please. If this bitch was really as crazy as she and her record company would have the world believe she'd have worn a skimpy black dress with white stilettos and puked all over her mama at the reception.
And that brings us to the McMansion Avril purchased in 2004 and in which she and Deryk have been living since their lavish yet uber-ordinary wedding day. Located up in the exclusive gated community of Mulholland Estates above Bev Hills, Avril's neighbors included hipsters like Paul Anka (who is selling his house), Tom Arnold (who recently sold his house), Judge Mathis, and the helmet-haired Loni Anderson. Your Mama has no issue with garden variety mansions when they belong to garden variety rich people. But we get upset and hot under the collar when someone young and tattooed lives up in one. Remember Travis Barker's suburban spread?
No doubt security was a serious issue when the young Miss Lavigne went house hunting. All those maniacal fans can be so pesky and frightening so a gated community like Mulholland Estates or The Summit seems an obvious if unispired choice of location. But seriously, Your Mama is quite sure we could have found something secure and private for Avril that was also interesting, stylish and befitting of a sassy singer gurl.
Maybe when the house was fully furnished it looked all Gothic and rocker chick? Perhaps Avril had big creepy candelabras with red candles and tons of cigarette burned velvet furniture. Or maybe the place was littered with beer cans and a bottle of Jack Daniels by the bed. Or just perhaps the house was worked over by a nice gay decorator who provided Avril with something sexy and sophisticated. Anything would be better than the paralyzing banality we see in the photos. Right children?
Seriously hunnies, there are only three things Your Mama likes about this house:
1. The swimming pool. It's really quite lovely, although we wonder if Avril ever sat out by the pool. Rebellious rock stars aren't supposed to have tans are they?
2. The tennis court. Your Mama likes to bang balls around, but we wonder if Avril ever used the thing. Can the children imagine her out there in tennis whites swinging a racket around? Us either.
3. The big closet. Now that's a closet all the children can drool over.
We imagine Avril decided to sell this house so that she and the new huzband could make a home of their own and it's obvious the couple have already moved from this house. Your Mama can only hope their new nest is more befitting of a couple of young and rebellious rock stars. But somehow we doubt that's the case.
So next time you see a picture of Mrs. Wibley giving the finger while dragged out in fishnets and a torn up t-shirt emblazoned with a skull, remember who she really is: A young rich gurl who lives in a McMansion and got married in a big white princess dress.
Next up: The Hancock Park home of Avril's manager Peter Leak.