Tuesday, June 26, 2007

An Orange County Housewife Cashes In

SELLERS: Donn and Vicky Gunvalson
LOCATION: Shire, Coto de Caza
PRICE: $3,750,000
SIZE: 5,400 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: None provided by the listing agent.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: All the reality television junkies out there will recognize this house as belonging to Vicky and Donn Gunvalson from The Housewives of Orange County program that played for two seasons on the Bravo. As you may recall from previous discussions, this show topped the list of Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's television watching favorites. We could not get enough of these leather skinned and perky breasted rich ladies who struggled to keep their marriages and families afloat amid the suburban excesses of Coto de Caza, a gated community in the hills of Orange County, California, where even the teenagers drive brand new BMWs and Audis.

Vicky was the ditzy, driven, and exuberant control freak mommy who ran a very successful insurance company out of her house. Her website claims that bleached blondie is in the top 1% of agents nationwide, a very respectable achievement by any one's standards. Vicky also employed Lauri, another of the Housewives. That is until Lauri snagged herself a man with a Ferrari who bought her a Mercedes and no longer had to work to feed her naughty children.

Unlike Tammy's daughters, who seem to think they will be able to get by on their tanned skin and plastic boobies, Vicky and Donn's children are the only spawn of the Housewives bunch who had the good sense to let their parents pay for them to go to college. And don't even get me started on Jeana's baseball playing stud muffin of a son, his constant injuries, and questionable sexuality. We're not saying anything, we're just saying...

Anyhoo, now that the show is over and Vicky and Donn's children have flown the coop, the empty nesters have put their house on the market at $3,750,000, listed by none other than fellow Housewife babe and former Playboy model and ZZ Top video girl Jeana Keough.

The Gunvalson's bought the house in 2001 for $1,100,000 according to property records, so even if they have to accept considerably less than the asking price, they're looking at a couple million dollar windfall. Ka-ching.

Do we even need to tell the children that Your Mama would have to be paid $3,750,000 to live up in this gated community of rich white people? Seriously, are there any non-white people living in Coto?

As for the house? It's a mind numbingly ordinary, garden variety Southern California McMansion that has been decorated with expensive but cheap looking furniture. Because a nice gay decorator was not brought in from West Hollywood, the predominant color in the house appears to be beige. Beige. Just say that word a few times over in your mind. Beige.

The backyard swimming pool extravaganza is clearly the big draw for this house, particularly f you enjoy having a water park for a back yard. We've got a bbq center, water falls, spa, a grotto, and even a water slide that comes down through the boulders. Now, all the children know that Your Mama hates those backyard water slide abominations. Honestly. We do not want to hear from all the rich people with children and backyard water slides who think they're great. They're not. They're silly and ostentatious in the most middle brow sort of way. Call us a snotty snob. Call us child unfriendly. Call us jealous. Call Your Mama anything you want. But we are of the opinion that people should be publicly flogged for putting those things in their backyards.

Vicky and Donn have a weekend house at Lake Havasu where they visited a couple of times on the show. Lake Havasu is where the family turned loose and drank and boated. At the same time. Maybe they are going to move there to pursue a life of leisure? Could they be riding around in Jeana's Mercedes looking for a new mansion in Coto? Or maybe they're looking to downsize and move closer to the beach? Your Mama does not know, but wherever it is they land, we're quite sure it'll have a beige interior and be located in a gated community.

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