Friday, June 22, 2007

Welcome Aboard Mister Nico Santucci's Flip

SELLER: Nico Santucci
LOCATION: Mulholland Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $4,500,000
SIZE: 5,107 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Modern Hollywood Mansion! This gtd compnd located atop the coveted Mulholland Dr prvds drmtic architect’l dtls to make this uniq hm perf for entertain. The spcs 5bd, 7ba, multi-lvl open flr-plan ofrs a media rm, “Milk Bar”, pl, indr spa w/ thtr, & btfl vus. The lrg mstr bd with direct entrnce to the pl features dual BAs, 2 w/in clsts & fp. This hm prvds security, prvcy, and is centrally locat w/ conven acc to the wstsde & vlly. This is a distinctive residence that stands out & makes a statement!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Please join Your Mama as we tour the Beverly Hills house of Mister Nico Santucci. Before we begin the tour, Your Mama understands we will need to educate the children on who this Mister Santucci is, and why we would include his house in our line up of celebrity homes.

Although Mister Santucci is not a celebrity himself, he spends a great deal of time with high profile individuals and, based on his shameless self promotions, Your Mama strongly suspects that Mister Santucci would love nothing more than to be famous.

One of his more notorious pals is Miss Michael Jackson, the formerly handsome black male entertainer who has in recent years looked more like a not very attractive middle aged white female who has had too much work done on her face. According to a 2003 article in the Las Vegas Review-Journal, it was Mister Santucci who squirreled Miss Jackson from one hideout to another immediately after his arrest on child molestation charges. Miss Jackson was said to be, not surprisingly, disguised as a lady wearing an all black mourning outfit that included a veil.

Among his other endeavors, Mister Santucci, a slick and goateed Sin City restaurateur and entrepreneur, owns and operates an historic estate called The Parisian Palace, a 14,000 square foot mansion in a less than premium Las Vegas location. It is unclear to Your Mama whether Mister Santucci actually lives up in this parody of a house, or if it is meant to be some sort of tourist attraction. Or both. A 2006 article in the Las Vegas Sun reports that the gaudy and glitzy estate can be leased for $10 to $25,000. For one night. The 1+ acre grounds include a swimming pool, a bowling alley, a stripper bar, and more statues of Greek and Roman gods than one would ever care to be surrounded by. Only in Las Vegas, children, only in Las Vegas.

Anyhoo, let's come on back to Beverly Hills and begin our voyage through the Mulholland Drive house Mister Santucci recently put on the market. Although Mister Santucci lives primarily in Sin City, property records reveal that he purchased this house in July of 2006 for $2,780,000. We presume it was Mister Santucci, somewhat renown for his elaborate and eccentric designs, who oversaw the remodel of this home. Given the quick turnaround between his purchase and it being placed back on the market, we can only assume Mister Santucci is fickle with his real estate or this house is a flip venture designed to make a million dollars or more.

Children, before we enter the residence, Your Mama would like for you to take note of the helicopter parked next to the driveway. All properly outfitted homes in Beverly Hills should have a landing place for personal whirligigs, These tiny flyers facilitate a quick commute to Sky Sport & Spa and to Pinkberries all across Los Angeles. This feature also conveniently lets your neighbors, the FedEx delivery person, and the household staff know that you have a lot more money than they do.

Now babies, before we enter Nico Santucci's crystalline palace, we must insist there be no flash photography and that you remove your dirty shoos. We should not need to tell you that Mister Santucci's maid does not need to be on her hands and knees scrubbing your dirt outta his white carpets any more than she is already on her hands and knees working hard for Mister Santucci.

As we pass through the icy white front stair hall and into the main living lounge, we would like the children to keep in mind that, despite appearances, we are in a home and not a strip bar in Las Vegas. Your Mama kindly asks that you refrain from removing your clothing, rubbing your naughty bits on the furniture, or attempting to jam dollar bills into the cleavage of the cleaning gurls.

You'll note that Mister Santucci has thoughtfully included drink tables in the center of the white leather amoeba shaped sofas, which have been custom designed to replicate those often found in high end titty bars and brothels across America.

Let's move on through to the "Milk Bar" which includes a small bar area where guests can order top shelf non-fat, skim, or full fat beverages. You will not find any of that soy shit here, so do not even think about asking.

The newest feature in residences that have been designed for entertaining is the piano lounge. Mister Santucci has kitted his piano lounge with a snow white baby grand piano, providing the perfect perch for the resident chanteuse. The tented ceiling and walls, in dee-luxe white fabric of course, take the household staff the better part of a week to launder. The fabric has been meticulously and pain stakingly draped for maximum acoustic impact, and multiple small flat screen television sets hung throughout the room display lyrics for the weekly Thursday night hip hop sing along.

On to the kitchen, where you will note there are no counter top appliances, tableware, or food products to be seen. Mister Santucci maintains his slim figure by eating as little solid food as possible, so this kitchen has seen almost no actual cooking action in the last year. The full time chef is employed only to order and serve food picked up from the best restaurants in Beverly Hills.

Upstairs we find the bedrooms, some of which maintain the all white Las Vegas strip vibe, but others have a much more homey and cozy feeling as we see in the photograph. The four poster bed was chosen for its versatility and utility during fornication frenzies with ladies found in the better strip joints, night cloobs, and street corners around Los Angeles. However, as we move about the room, please beware the glossy floor as it can sometimes be slippery with fluids.

Lets take this tour out to the back of the house where you can see a distinct Miami Vice in Los Angeles influence. The multiple decks provide ample room for viewing the swimming pool shenanigans, and the large circular spa will accommodate several naked hussies with large and plastic breasts. If anyone is able to tell us what that speedboat like object in the lower left photo is, Your Mama will award you with a free glass of full fat milk from the milk bar.

This concludes our tour of Mister Santucci's glamorous residence. Please be sure to collect your shoos on the way out.

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