Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Chris Tucker's Not Very Funny House

SELLER: Chris Tucker
LOCATION: Winford Drive, Tarzana, CA
PRICE: $3,800,000
SIZE: 6,549 square feet, 5 bedrooms and 7.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This dramatic and elegant view estate, a previous model, offered "fully furnished" will take your breath away. A property with exceptional scale and volume, extraordinary detailing that creates an architectural sophistication, exquisite landscape and impeccable hardscape combine to define this home as Mulholland Park Estates Rare Premier Properties. Over 6,500 sqft. of luxury living on almost 32,000 sqft. lot, 5 bed, library, home theatre, upstairs game room, 8 bth with spectacular city lights views are some of the highlights of this most distinctive home. An elegant sweeping wrought iron circular staircase floats into the most sumptuous master suite that is warm and inviting. No expense was spare on the spacious gourmet kitchen that exemplifies style and function. Pristine entertainers grounds w/ pool, spa, water features.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: If real estate commissions were earned by writing florid and flattering descriptions of properties, the lady in charge of this high end celebrity owned Tarzana tract house would be rich enough to reach into her Birkin bag and buy this piece of "architectural sophistication" where she could "float" up to the "warm and inviting" master suite of this "Rare Premier" property that is being offered for sale "fully furnished" for $3,800,000. Egads.

Thanks to the Tarzana Tattletale, Your Mama has learned that this former model home in the guard gated Mulholland Park Estates community is owned and being offered for sale by stand up comedian and Michael Jackson defender Chris Tucker, a man who appears to have earned much of his moo-lah working opposite Jackie Chan as Detective James Carter in the Rush Hour film franchise. Some reports say Mister Tucker earned as much as 20,000,000 damn dollars for Rush Hour 2, an action film that Your Mama is not ashamed to say we never seen nor even heard of. We got nuthin' against Mister Tucker or Mister Chan, but Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter just aren't action film types.

Anyhoo, property records reveal that the motor mouth comedian purchased this big house on Winford Drive in June of 2001 for $2,400,000, which was right about the time he was getting that titantic $20,000,000 paycheck. According to the tax man, the house measures in at 6,549 square feet and listing information indicates there are 5 bedrooms and 7.5 bathrooms in this house of vaguely Georgian but ultimately indeterminate architectural style that sits cheek by jowl next to all the other steroidal tract homes that make up the Mulholland Park Estates community. Other features of this "dramatic" and "most distinctive home" are an expensive and circular brick driveway leading to a 4 car garage, a cruise ship lobby like foyer with a double circular stair case, a double height living room stuffed with shiny champagne colored furniture and giant urns filled with sticks that look like they could blind a boozed up party guest.

There's also a game room on the second floor with bamboo furniture (not pictured), a home thee-ay-ter, and a gore-may kitchen with dark cabinets, black appliances and beige everything else. A fireplaced family room with a wall of French doors leads to the backyard where the swimming pool and spa is lorded over by that cockamamie pergola situation. As if the pergola thing is not disturbing enough all by itself, someone had the not very pleasing idea to add a few statues of toga wearing ladees. Not nice.

Upstairs in the "sumptuous" master suite we have more beige things and some disco lighting which is so perplexing and upsetting to Your Mama that we have already started in on the gin and it's not even noon yet. In the master bathroom we find more eye popping disco lighting and a spa tub large enough to fit a good number of plastic boobed Hollywood hussies.

Because we always try to find something nice to say about all the properties we discuss, we'll allow that Mister Tucker's gardeners are doing an awesome job keeping the front yard's carpet of lawn green and weed free, and trust Your Mama on this one children, that's an expensive and not so easy feat considering the blazing sun that beats down on San Fernando Valley. We can also get behind the sheer camp and decadence of the twin crystal chandeliers hanging over the dining room table, but we'd really have preferred to see those fixtures in a nearly minimalist setting or in room done up like some crazy overstuffed Mario Buatta extravaganza. We'll also grant that the view over the Valley is nice, although we're certain some of you Bev Hills types would rather slit your wrists than spend your days looking out over Reseda. The kitchen is large, which is nice for Chef, and Your Mama could probably sit in that family room for one night watching the amazingly embarrassing Housewives of New York City without feeling like we need to poke our eyes out. For one night only though.

Your Mama would not be surprised to learn that there are many multi-millionaires who crave and are willing to fork over big bucks to live live in a big beige house behind the fancy gates of the Mulholland Park Estates. Just not any of the multi-millionaires we know.

Property records show that Mister Tucker also owns the house immediately next door which has a Briarfield Way address. That 6,399 square foot house with 5 bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms was purchased in November of 1996 for $1,113,500. At this point and time Your Mama isn't sure which house Mister Tucker actually occupies, but we hope it's the house on Briarfield Way and that the house for sale is just some sort of crazy investment property that has been painfully staged with a truckload of beige furniture.

Whatever the case, we wish Mister Tucker well and hope he'll call Your Mama to get a short list of names of talented and nice gay decorators who could give him some much needed help with his too beige interior day-core.

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