Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Jamie Foxx Trots Out Of Tarzana

SELLER: Jamie Foxx
LOCATION: Van Alden Drive, Tarzana, CA
PRICE: $2,230,000
SIZE: 5,428 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.25 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Palm Desert Resort meets architectural style in Tarzana, CA! This 3 bedroom + 3.25 bath estate is at the foot of Braemar Country Club and Santa Monica Mtn Conservatory, has just been freshened to a crisp finish and includes media theater, soundproofed rooms and orchestral wiring used as recording studio and vocal booth, game room, sports court, gym, pool, pool house, great room, outdoor lin'g deck, motor court for about 10 cars, all tucked away behind a secluded wall, on approx. .84 acres & 5400 sq. ft.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The 40-acre Thousand Oaks estate that Oscar winning and egotastic actor Jamie Foxx purchased back in June of 2006 must be ready for occupancy because the filthy rich funny man has listed his long time Tarzana crib for sale with an asking price of $2,230,000. Actually, Mister Foxx's den (of alleged iniquity) has been listed since mid-April, but all us real estate gossips musta been asleep at the wheel because none of our damn eagle eyes seem to have noticed until now. If Your Mama is being honest, which we always are, we can't take credit for locating this listing on our own. We learned about it only after being alerted by a friendly tipster who asked that we call him The Driver.

Property records indicate the 5,428 square foot single story sprawler was purchased way back in 1997 for $930,000 and it's well known that the kooky comedian has thrown some ka-razy parties here. In fact, back in 2006 the neighbors famously called the po-leese complaining that a nekkid basketball game was being played on Mister Foxx's private half-court. Yes children, that's right, nood basketball. Can you imagine anything less sexy? All that man-junk flying around hither and yon is not attractive and quite frankly it sounds more than a little painful. Mister Foxx claimed he was not home when the po-po showed up to put the kibosh on the game and has said that most of the nekkid dribblers were in fact ladees, a reasonable explanation from a man who has long battled rumors of enjoying the sexual company of another man every now and then. We're not sayin' anything, we're just sayin' that's what people say. As far as Your Mama knows, he's nothing but a full time ladee luver.

Anyhoo, listing information for Mister Foxx's Vanalden Avenue property indicates the entire property has been recently freshened up. And it certainly does look Spic and Span clean don't it children? However, since Your Mama never received an invitation to one of Mister Foxx's famous par-tays we can't say whether we're looking at the creamy beige handiwork of a nice gay decorator if a professional stager was paid the big bucks to clean the bodily fluids off the floors and truck in a butt load of comfortable looking but not particularly compelling furniture. Due to all the rolled up towels, potted orchids and beach balls floating in the pool, Your Mama suspects the latter.

Whatever the case, it's clear Mister Foxx did up and did over this house to be his own private Las Vegas. Listing information reveals that in addition to the three bedrooms and 2 full and 3 quarter baths (good heavens children, what is a damn quarter bath?) the 1949 renovated ranch includes a home gym (which isn't so surprising given the size of Mister Foxx's 40 year old pumped pex), a game room in the basement, a media/music room, and a sound proofed recording studio.

The backyard is a regular resort that includes a large deck along the back of the house for chillin' and grillin', large flat lawn areas for fierce games of croquet, a large rectangular pool with adjacent pool house, a sunken spa and, of course, the infamous half court sport court where all the unclothed sport magic happens.

There are a couple of additional features that stand out to Your Mama.

1. The televisions. There seems to be a boob-toob in every room. The kitchen alone has three...or are those small screens closed circuit? Hmm.

2. The bathtub. Appropriately done in a flesh tone, the behemoth bathtub will easily fit Mister Foxx and several large breasted bitches for some group tub love. Not pictured is an equally commodious and mulit-person friendly shower.

3. The aquariums: Your Mama is not a fan of the residential built in aquarium because too often they remind us of the orthodontist office where Sister Woman got her braces tightened. However, the two flanking the fireplace in the living room appeal more than most we've seen. If only that giant mirror above the fireplace was removed, we might actually be able to focus on the aquariums.

4. The kitchen: Sorry Mister Foxx, but it's disappointing. Well appointed and decently sized, but the speckled granite is dated. Listing information says there are SubZero and Wolf appliances, but that stove does not look like a damn Wolf, not with that puny hood. None the less, we'll allow that this room may in fact look better in person than in the photo.

5. The privacy: Or rather, the lack of it. We're shocked to see that Mister Foxx's landscapers did not plant privacy hedges around the property. It appears to Your Mama that the neighbors can peer right over the backyard fence in some spots. No wonder they called the po-leese on the nood ball players.

6. The pool house: We love it, or the idea of it. Not fond of the beige tile, but we note the convenient half bathroom, the mini-kitchen for pool side snacks and the dry sauna, perfect for a little heated up hanky panky.

7. Parking: Listing information indicates that there is parking for 10 cars, which pretty much makes the front of the mini-mansion a petite parking lot. However, if you're a party thrower, being able to put all the guest automobiles behind the drive gates is a sweet thing.

Now that Mister Foxx will be shacked up on a 40 acre mogul-style estate in rural Thousand Oaks where the nearest neighbors will need binoculars to see what's going on by the pool, the hard partying and high living Lothario can have all the naked basketball tournaments his little heart desires without risk of the po-po turning up to shut down the nood and naughty shenanigans.

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