Friday, December 7, 2007

Ashley Olsen Buys, Sells, and Gives Up

BUYER: Ashley Olsen
LOCATION: N. Mansfield Avenue, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,575,000 (sale)
SIZE: 2,332 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...exterior accented by wrought iron, casement windows, and second-floor balcony with wooden balustrades, the residence invites. Within, plaster walls with heavy massing, alcoves, and rustic beamed ceilings impart a warm, hand-crafted ambiance. A signature arch separates the LR and DR and is repeated at the fireplace. Beyond a room-like covered patio, the private, tiled pool and spa is set within a lush landscape and evokes a true tropical resort feel.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The rumors are true, children. According to Jim Nasium, a lovely gentleman who cruises and peruses the "solds" in the MLS and knows a little something about celebrity real estate, Your Mama has fi-na-lee confirmed that teeny tiny twin titan Ashley Olsen did indeed buy a modest house in Hancock Park.

To be honest, after receiving some additional information from our always helpful and always funny Fairy Godmother in Bel Air, Your Mama does not know whether we are perplexed or impressed by the modesty of Little Miss Ashley's new property. Keep in mind children, that along with her fashion disaster sister Mary Kate, these itty bitty Range Rover driving behatchas used to own a spectacular $4,300,000 Hal Levitt designed home in Bel Air and the sprawling penthouse they bought but never occupied at the butt-uglee Morton Square building in the far West Village of Manhattan is currently on the market for $11,995,000. It was also recently reported in New York Magazine that the wee millionaire recently gave up her $15,000 per month Grove Street duplex rental in the West Village.

So clearly this little ladee in a pair of high priced high heel shooz, who made a reported $17,000,000 this year, can afford something a little less pedestrian and in a far more private location. Now puppies, Your Mama has a soft spot in our cold heart for these twig sized twins. They've worked their entire childhoods, earned a few hundred million smackers and as a result they bear the awesome responsibility to support a vast network of DualStar executives, factory workers, family members, private staff and security, not to mention nearly single handedly paying the leases at Maxfield and Fred Segal with all their Black AmEx purchasing.

, Little Miss Ashley recently picked up this little Spanish style cutie for $1,575,000. And that's not a rumor children, that's what the tiny tycoon actually paid for the 2,332 square foot house that includes 4 bedrooms and three bathrooms. Miss Olsen purchased the house from a very successful Director or Photography and it's just our uneducated and snarky guess that she'll soon have her industrial cleaners and a team of nice gay decorators in here scrubbing, bleaching and furnishing the place to within an inch of it's life and having an army of landscapers and security experts on the premises to create a safe and private retreat.

Keep in mind kids, that the interior furnishings here are NOT those of Miss Ashley, but rather the seller of the property. None the less, Your Mama can not help but to offer a few comments. Certainly a better solution was to be found for the television shoved into the corner of the bedroom and we might have better appreciated and more contemporary and even glitzy chandelier in the dining room to offset the architecture and the organic table. Also, we happen to know there is a large and nasty pot rack above the commercial grade range in the kitchen, and who doesn't know by now how Your Mama feels about a pot rack? However, overall we rather like the stylish, quirky, easily lived in, didn't pay a decorator a small fortune vibe and Your Mama could imagine feeling quite comfortable in this little Spanish casa...even if it is in crime riddled Hancock Park.

Out back, the swimming pool is really quite lovely and sophisticated and modern looking. We even like the black bottom look and naturally we adore all the high walled landscaping around the pool deck which should allow Miss Olsen, should she choose, to sun her barely there breasts in relative privacy. Then again, almost no one tans naturally in Los Angeles anymore, do they? Your Mama adores the covered porch off the living room that provides an excellent, shady and cool spot for Little Miss Ashley to sip gin and tonics, pour over all the latest glossy tabs and entertain her latest in a long line of beaus looking to sidle up next to her bank account.

However, not all sits well with Your Mama in the back yard. The children will note that in order to get to that inviting swimming pool, one must cross the driveway and step around the big square G55. Not only that, but while sprawled out on the cushioned chaise lounge poolside, one's big dirty whips loom forbiddingly as they sit parked in the driveway. Yes of course children, the cars can always be put into the two car garage, but what if Ashley converts the garage into a monster dressing room for all her Balanciaga bags, Chanel separates and Louboutin spikes? What then?

Listing information for the property shows that the laundry is located in the garage. What?! Now puppies, Little Miss Ashley probably does not actually launder her own clothes, she's simply too pampered for that. In fact, we're not sure the clothes horse wears any one item twice, which kinda eliminates the needs to launder the designer duds at all. However, is it really fair, when you have more than a hundred million clams, to ask your housekeeper to wash the linens and bath towels in a dirty grease smelling garage? Can you pay Hortencia enough for that indignity?

Now, for all your krazy kats out there who think it would be cute to jump in your sad little Saturns and drive over to Hancock Park to catch a glimpse of this mega rich young ladee in her private habitat: Get a grip, fools. Because you can bet your mama's life that Little Miss Ashley will have this places secured like Fort Knox and if you think that three hundred pound slab of beef security guard won't break your arm if you set even one toe on the property, well you're even more stoopid that Your Mama thought. Seriously kids, there's simply nothing more justifiably humiliating than being given a public smack down because you want to see a celeb live and up close. Hunnies, please, that's what the T.V., the tabs and the internets are for.

, Your Mama wishes Little Miss Ashley and her big Mercedes a happy home in Hancock Park. Be sure to give Your Mama a call when you get settled because we've got some nice knickknacks for you.

P.S. For anyone curious about where the Little Miss Mary Kate and all her baubles, chains and bracelets live...she shacks up in a very, very private rental up in the The Birds.

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