Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Jason Biggs Moves and Sells

SELLER: Jason Biggs
LOCATION: Hollyridge Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,549,000
SIZE: 1,930 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Super-private mini estate, set on a lush knoll hidden from the street. This turn-key Hollywoodland 1924 English is for the most discriminating buyer. A gated pedestrian entry unexpectedly leads to this jewel: A vintage-home flooded w /light. 3 bd. + office, 2 ba, large vaulted liv rm, formal din rm, updated vintage-styled kit w/ SS appliances, large fam rm/media rm. Abundant grass, terraces, rock walls–all with downtown/canyon views–provide gorgeous garden area w/ room for pool. A rare offering.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Back in late June, Your Mama discussed a trio of properties that were being bought, sold or flipped by former child actor turned mini real estate mogul Fred Savage. According to our ever faithful and always accurate tipster Lucy Spillerguts, the house located above Hollywood Boulevard that little Mister Savage and his wifey called home was purchased by actor Jason Biggs, who rose to fame as a lovable, sex-obsessed doofus dude in the teen sex comedy franchise American Pie.

Your Mama confesses that we never bothered to see American Pie, American Pie II, American Wedding, which was really American Pie III, or any of the other movies that feature Mister Biggs for that matter. It's not that we can't appreciate a mindless comedy. We can. But Your Mama simply refuses to pay 10 or 12 bucks to see some average looking dude stick his wing-wang in a pie when we can do that for free at one of the naughtier bars down in the East Village. Don't believe Your Mama? Well ask some of your more adventurous downtown New York friends about the once beloved and now shuttered Foxy, a seedy little bar on Avenue A where Your Mama and and our good pal Fiona Trambeau once watched a gal toss a salad in her hoo-ha. True story kids.

Anyhoo, after learning that Mister Biggs paid $2,249,000 to purchase the former Savage home, we got to wondering where he shacked up before. So naturally we consulted Lucy Spillerguts, our vast array of property records data bases and, the always interesting MLS. We learned that not only did Mister Biggs bed down in Beachwood Canyon, we discovered that his former home remains on the market with an asking price of $1,549,000.

Property records reveal that in May of 2003, no doubt flush with American Pie money, Mister Biggs paid $1,150,000 for this 1,930 square foot Country English-ish style house that happens to sit just down the hill and across the road from cinematographer Lance Acord's lovely for sale mid-century modern that Your Mama discussed a few weeks ago.

Listing information indicates that the uber-private property with a nice high hedge at the front includes 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, an additional office, a large vaulted living room (which doesn't look vaulted in the photo), a formal dining room, an updated vintage-styled kitchen, a family room/media room, natch, and out back lots of grassy areas and rock walled terraces that look over the canyon towards the glittery downtown skyline.

Clearly Mister Biggs has already decamped to his new digs on Hollywood Boulevard because this place has obviously been staged to within an inch of acceptability. This bland "decor," if the definition of "decor" stretches to encompass this sort of banal mess, has Your Mama reaching for a nerve pill and a strong gin and tonic to wash it down. Lawhd children, certainly a home can be staged better than this, right? It looks like some anal retentive mid-level manager lives here with his mousey mommy wifey who makes sure the carpet is always vacuumed, the children scrubbed, and there's hot meat on the table at 6pm.

Your Mama happens to like the kooky down to earth Beachwood Canyon area, and we like a house that provides the sort of privacy this one appears to offer. But we are concerned that it's quite a schlep with groceries from the driveway down to the house that is located at the bottom of a long, gently sloping stairway. If you're Jason Biggs, you just get your poorly paid assistant to hike back and forth. But if you're an average person with a weekly house cleaner who refuses to do your laundry or shine your shoes, well guess what? You get a work out by making several trips up an down the steps hauling in the groceries. Your might like that if you're one of those stereotypical Los Angeles health nuts who actually enjoys working out. But not so fine if you're Your Mama, who would rather sit on the sofa and eat candy than work a damn exercise machine.

We hear from several of our real estate sources in Los Angeles that the bottom and top end of the markets seem to be holding fine–unless you're in the San Fernando Valley where you can watch prices fall daily on the giddy blog May Fifth and Everything After. But we understand that these $1-2,000,000 properties are having a more difficult time finding buyers willing to cough up a not insignificant wad of cash for a so-so location with an ordinary looking house with shit brown paint that doesn't even have a damn swimming pool.

So Your Mama wishes Mister Biggs luck and grace in selling his former home at price that will still put a few extra pennies in his pocket. Fortunately he's got room to reduce the price if necessary and still make a couple hundred grand.

But before we head out to have our head shrunk, and we need it after discussing this house, Your Mama would like to offer Mister Biggs some unsolicited and unsophisticated career advice: Stop it with the teen sex romp movies. We know the pay is good–it bought you a two million dollar house after all–but if you keep doing these trashy movies you're never going to get out of playing roles that have you prematurely ejaculating on some poor actress who's hoping American Pie Six will be her big break. Okay now, we're through. Live well and prosper kids.

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