Saturday, September 29, 2007

Cuttino Mobley Dribbles, Shoots, and Breaks Even

SELLER: Cuttino Mobley
LOCATION: Clear View Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $3,995,000
SIZE: 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: No expense spared. Master bedroom with large walk-in closets and mountain views. Master bathroom with spa tub and steam shower with imported Italian stone. Patio off upstairs landing. State-of-the-art gourmet country kitchen with top-of-the-line appliances. French doors lead to a grassy backyard with pool and spa. Hardwood floors throughout. 4-Zone A/C. 2 car garage. Refrigerated wine cellar.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We hear from Little Jack Horner, one of our little tipsters, that another sports figure Your Mama has never heard of is selling his Beverly Hills residence. And don't you know, but our sports expert pal Fiona Trambeau is once again indisposed after a long night of Jaegermeister and the company of men young enough to be her damn children. Which means Your Mama is left to sort out who this Cuttino Mobley person is all on our own.

Turns out this Cuttino "The Cat" Mobley plays for the Los Angeles Clippers, which Your Mama understands is a professional basketball team. Due to Your Mamas limited interest in sports, particularly the big three of baseball, basketball and football, we were only able to spend a short time researching Mister Cuttino before we thought our little head would explode. As best as we could determine, Mister Mobley came to the Clippers in 2005 (from where we don't know, and frankly, don't care), is 32 years old, six foot four inches tall, 210+- pounds, and has a son, also with the unusual name of Cuttino.

Not long after moving to Los Angeles, property records indicate Mister Mobley purchased this newly built 5 bedroom and 5.5 bathroom house high in the Hills of Beverly for $3,650,000 Given that the house is currently on the market for $3,995,000, it would appear that Mister Mobley will pocket very little after real estate fees and closing costs are paid. What do the children think, did Mister Mobley over pay for the house at the tippy top of the white hot luxury real estate market in 2005, or is the house priced aggressively for a quick sale?

Mister Mobley's quasi Mediterranean / quasi Tuscan style house has been wedged into the hillside with a gargantuan retaining wall nearly encircling the house. Out the front are lovely views of the hills across Benedict Canyon.

There is nothing in the living room that Your Mama would recommend keeping, but the dining room is getting there, style wise. We can't see the dining room table legs, so we don't know what to expect there, but the padded chairs have a sophisticated 1940s feel to them that we appreciate. The curtains have a nice sheen and the painting, while too small to carry that wall on its own, is a good start towards dressing the room up. However, the room looks curiously unfinished and, despite the set table, like it's never seen food. Your Mama just goes ballistic over formal dining rooms in which the table has been set with all sorts of glitzy tableware for a dinner party that is not going to be happening. Note to people who do this: Unless there are actual people coming to dinner, please do not set the dining room table. It just makes the house look like a furniture showroom, and nobody wants to live in a furniture showroom, do they?

While done up in a more traditional and exuberantly beige fashion than Your Mama would prefer, the good sized kitchen does have a nice selection of high grade appliances, including two dishwashers and a trash compacter. However, Your Mama has nightmares over balloon valances like the one hung over the sink, and we do not even know how to mentally digest that curly-cued stool/chair thing that has been pulled up to the breakfast counter.

Up to the master bedroom and we are sad to say that we find an interior decorating crime scene. Seriously children, Your Mama does not even know where one would buy a bedroom set like we see up in this house. Does anyone know? We are quite certain that four poster bed cost Mister Mobley and arm and a damn leg, but it just screams faux Versace and whispers, "please make me into firewood."

Out into the backyard, which is really at the side of the house, we have a petite swimming pool and a spa large enough to host Mister Cuttino and a few ladies who like big and tall basketball players. The small yard is quick and easy maintenance for landscapers and the view from the patio is really quite lovely. We might encourage the next homeowner to attach a pergola to the side of the house and add an outdoor fireplace which would provide a really great outdoor living space.

Mister Cuttino, we have no doubt you are a master of the basketball court, and as such we certainly would not expect you to be a master at decorating your house. But one of the beauties of making the big bucks that professional basketball players make is the financial wherewithal to hire a nice gay decorator. And don't worry a minute about being your decorator's sexual fantasy. Trust Your Mama when we tell you that most nice gay decorators are far more interested in the green in your wallet than the junk in your trunk. So with your next house, please give Your Mama a shout so we can give you the names and numbers of a few good gay men to work their magic on your new home.

Your Mama really has no idea why Mister Cuttino is selling this house. Is he trading up? Trading down? Is he himself being traded? Whatever the case, we wish him luck in getting close to his asking price so that he doesn't actually lose any money on this real estate transaction.

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