Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Andrew Vajna's Lemon on Lime Orchard Road

SELLER: Andrew Vajna
LOCATION: Lime Orchard Road, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $6,495,000
SIZE: 9,516 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Exceptional privacy and sophistication on 2 acres up a long, private gated drive. Wonderful indoor-outdoor flow to pl, covered patio, tennis court and verdant mountain vistas. Richly detailed inside, with soaring ceilings and handcrafted parquet flrs. Enormous fam rm with beautiful bar and wine racks. Extensive master suite on first level with office, fireplace, sauna, double baths and huge closets. 3 add'l brs up, plus one down. 2br maid or in-law suite has separate stairway.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The name Andew Vajna may not roll easily off your tongue, and you might just need to be in the "industry" or be a film credit reader in order to recognize his name. Your Mama guarantees that you've seen or heard of many films which were financed and/or produced by Mister Vanja, who happens to be one of the most prolific film producers in the action genre.

Mister Vanja has had his Hungarian hand in such money making blockbuster films as Die Hard 3, the Terminator and Rambo franchises, and well as The Scarlett Letter, Evita, and Basic Instinct 2. Your Mama wonders if it was Mister Vanja who wisely and smartly red lighted Miss Sharon Stone exposing her middle aged hoo-hoo in B.I.2. Don't get Your Mama wrong, we love us some of that crazy ass Sharon Stone. The lady does amazing work with AMFAR and she's always good for a puzzling outfit. But we do not, we repeat, do not ever want to see her lady bits exposed the big screen again.

Mister Vanja's house, tucked up into the hills on the guard gated Lime Orchard Road, occupies a nearly perfect location in the Bev Hills Post Office. The two acre parcel sits on a guard gated street, which helps to ensure the riff raff and the looky-loos won't be cruising the streets with digital cameras hoping to catch a glimpse of the neighborhood honchos and celebs as they boss the landscapers and instruct the maid where to set out the garbage cans. The perfectly private location overlooks the wilds of Franklin Canyon and provides its owner with all the amenities expected in a $6,000,000+ home including gorgeous views, a gated motor court, lighted tennis court and a lovely oval heated swimming pool.

What makes this lot less than perfect in Your Mama's humble opinion is Charleton Heston. Yes children, the gun loving senior citizen lives at the top of the hill in a modern mansion that overlooks Mister Vanja's property. We have no doubt that the siting of Mister Vanja's house obscures the prying eyes of Mister Heston, but it's not Mister Heston's eyes that worry us. It's the fear of stray bullets that might wander down as ol' Charlie stands on his deck and takes advantage of his right to bear arms.

Your Mama wants so much to like this house, because, Heston aside, we are really quite enamored of the location. But as we look at the photos of the 9,516 square foot house, we are simply mortified. Mor-tih-fied. How is it that a man with this much money can live in a house that looks like it has not had a nice gay decorator up in there since 1984?

We'll allow that the living room is not all bad. We like the large burnt orange colored carpet, and the lucite coffee table gives us goose bumps. We even dig the silver walls and we can live with the beige sofas, ordinary as they may be. But please do not get Your Mama started on the cock-eyed collection of picture frames on the wall, the swagged funeral home curtains or the lonely black lacquer screen. A talented and nice gay decorator go turn this room in to something really lovely with just three days and $5,000.

The rest of the decor, however, makes us puke in our mouth a little. We're sorry Mister Vanja, Your Mama does not intend to be cruel here, but we loathe the hand crafted parquet floors, the entrance hall looks like something in a dated Dallas mansion, and the master bedroom with the furniture fabric that matches the wallaper...well that's just criminal. We're also disturbed by the card table in the master bedroom. Card table? What?

Given the secluded location of the property, the detached 2 bedroom staff/guest quarters, and the tremendous master suite that features a fireplace, attached office, double bathrooms, sauna, and extensive closets, Your Mama thinks this would be an excellent house for a celebrity who is willing to take on the trouble and expense of a gut renovation. And, of course, the new owner will need to to wait out ol' Charlie up the hill before feeling safe to wander the patios, pool deck and tennis court without being a victim of an errant bullet.

The Lime Orchard Road enclave is home to many of Hollywoods rich and famous including Tom Freston and Guy Oseary. Earlier this week we discussed a couple other houses on Lime Orchard Road including Jessica Simpson's gorgeous spread, and the country Tudor that Bling Queen Kimora Lee Simmons recently purchased.

Sources: Go Fug Yourself, Internet Movie Data Base,

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