Sunday, August 19, 2007

Vicki Lawrence's Wallpaper Border Madness in Long Beach

SELLER: Vicki Lawrence and Al Schultz
LOCATION: Lido Lane, Long Beach, CA
PRICE: $5,000,000
SIZE: 4,200 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Beautiful Custom home has 5 br, 5 ba, game room w/ built in bar & fireplace, renovated kitchen. Master suite w/ fireplace & vaulted ceilings. 1 br downstairs. Living rm w/ fireplace & wet bar. Balconies on each level w/ views of the bay. Includes nearby boat slip on open water that has 60' pierhead & accommodates large yacht. Perfect home for entertaining. 3-car garage w/ storage.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We love Vicki Lawrence. We loved her fiercely on the Carol Burnett Show in the 1960s and 70s, and even though she's not really the best singer to warble a tune, her 1973 number 1 hit song The Nights the Lights Went Out in Georgia is on regular rotation on our iPod. We loved her spin off show called Mama's Family (natch), and we loved every single one of her many, many appearances on game shows.

But we do not, can not, and will not appreciate her tri-level house in Long Beach, California that Los Angeles Times celebrity real estate gossip Ruth Ryon reported in today's Hot Properties column has been put on the market for a whopping $5,000,000. Yes, the place does have lovely views of palm trees and the Alamitos Bay, and it includes a 60 foot pier head to accommodate a large yacht, but otherwise this place makes Your Mama dee-pressed.

One need only step through the front door and run smack into that abomination that is the juke box to know that this house breaks all the rules of intelligent and satisfying interior design. Even though Your Mama is approaching 100 years old, we are still perhaps too young to appreciate the nostalgia of a juke box which hearkens back to a time of sock hops and roller skating waitresses. Which is all well and good for the Fonzies and Laverne Defazios of the world. None the less, it does not matter how old one is, a juke box should never ask for acceptance and appreciation in the damn entrance hall of a $5,000,000 house.

Next up, the game room, where we find a pool table, a humongous and old fashioned console television, a wet bar, and an extensive collection of kawkee brown leather furniture. We could easily and happily shred each of those choices and features, but far and away the most upsetting and disturbing element of this room is that hideous wall paper border at the ceiling.

Wallpaper borders appear to be a repeating and unfortunate decorating motif in Miss Vicki's house where we also find a ridiculous floral wallpaper border in the dining room and worst of all, the crazy sailing scene border in the guest bedroom with the quasi patriotic red and white quilt. Oh, no. Please tell me you did not do that Miss Vicki.

All you misguided wallpaper border fanatics out there need to listen up and listen hard because Your Mama is about to say something important. Those horrid wall paper borders, particularly those that depict sailing and beach scenes, are simply a bad joke that the wallpaper industry has perpetrated on hordes of unwitting consumers who don't have the good sense or design wherewithal to question what their local wall paper sales person tells them. Do not believe these monsters when they tell you wallpaper borders are cool, stylish, attractive, and worst of all, cute. Do not believe them. Ever. Do you hear Your Mama? Not ever. When was the last time any one saw a cheesy wallpaper border in a picture story of a gorgeous house in House and Garden, Dwell, or Architectural Digest magazines? When?

Phew! Oh Lawhd children, Your Mama has done exhausted ourselves on those damn wallpaper borders, so we do not have the appropriate energy to properly discuss the plethora of inexpensive Home Depot ceiling fans, the pot rack in the kitchen, the carpeted master bathroom, or the mirrored closet doors which have us just about ready to pull our eyes from their sockets.

According to Miz Ryon at the LA Times, Miss Vicki and her huzband are selling this 4,200 square foot tri-level house with 5 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms so that they can move up to Newport Beach where there park their 70 foot racing yacht.

Vicki, hunny, Your Mama knows that you and Mister Schultz are a couple of substantial means. You do have a 70 foot racing yacht after all. When you move to your new home in Newport Beach, please do Your Mama, your family and your guests a huge favor and hire yourself a nice gay decorator to do up your new digs in a manner appropriate for a game show queen and television icon. Do not make another person suffer the design indignity of a wallpaper border. Ever. Seriously, please.

Your Mama is so upset and overwhelmed by the wallpaper borders that we are taking to bed now, so please children, do not disturb us for at least 12 hours because we've just swallowed a big Percocet and a small Xanax to calm our frazzled nerves and fried mind.

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