Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Lance Bass and His Two Swimming Pools

OWNER: Lass Bass
LOCATION: Mulholland Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
SIZE: 3,811 square feet, 5 bedrooms 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: A long gated drive off Mulholland leads up to this beautiful "entertainer's" estate sitting high above Beverly Hills on 1+ acre with two guest houses and two pools. The elegant two story main house has an open floor plan with huge gourmet kitchen, 3 fireplaces, sexy master upstairs with leaded glass looking out to panoramic city and ocean views. two guest bedrooms downstairs include large en suite marble bathrooms with their own outside entrances. 3 patios for indoor/outdoor California living.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Not too long ago, the freshly out of the closet ex-boy bander Lance Bass sent out a text message to all his buddies and pals announcing that he was willing to rent his Beverly Hills (Post Office) house for six months while he was in New York where he is currently appearing on Broadway as Corny Collins in Hairspray.

So you know that Your Mamas little brain started to whirr, click and steam. Where? How much? We searched for information on Mister Bass's rental, and although we didn't find any listing information for renting the house, we did, thanks to the assistance of Lucy Spillerguts and our Fairy Godmother in Bev Hills, find the sales listing for the house which bug eyed Bass had on the market in 2006 for $5,250,000.

We're certainly not the first to report this, but just who do you think had the listing for the Mulholland Drive property? That's right kids, it was his ex-boyfriend and ex-reality television star Reichen Lehmkuhl, who in addition to having a real estate license, sells jewelry, takes acting lessons, dreams of being a soap stud, and generally tries to stay in the public eye.

According to property records, Mister Bass and his extremely and meticulously well groomed eyebrows purchased this quasi-colonial in October of 2003 for $3,880,000. Listing information and property records show the house sits on just over an acre of land and has just 3,811 square feet of interior space. We think the house looks much bigger in photos, but then again, so many mens' things look bigger in photos, don't they?

Nestled in a nook surrounded by the guard gated community "The Summit," the big white house is accessed up a gated, long, and curving brick paved driveway which snakes past the first of two swimming pools on the property and terminates in a massive brick paved motor court with a long view over the San Fernando Valley. The back of the house also features a lovely view and a second swimming pool. Lawhd children, imagine the number of scantily clad pool boys required to be on the property at all times to skim and chlorinate TWO swimming pools. It's just a good thing there are two guest units to house the necessary number of staff to maintain the pools.

Y'all know that Your Mama really tries to find at least a couple of nice things to say about the houses we discuss, but you're making it difficult for us Lance. Hunny, this is going to get ugly, but you should listen to Your Mama here, because we are sincerely trying to help you.

Your Mama hates to be a hater and we are well aware that everyone has their own sense of style and taste. But holy-moly mother of jeezis, this place is awful. Okay, the floors are really quite lovely. But that upsetting furniture in the living and dining rooms looks like it was chosen from behind door number two on the damn Price Is Right. Is that green bush under the library table in the living room even a real plant?

We can live with the fact that you actually want a houseful of traditional furniture...some do, after all. But Your Mama can not tolerate a young and well heeled homosexual who did not have the inner strenght and brain power and to hire a nice and talented gay decorator to hustle his stylish booty up to Mulholland Drive and do a seriously good traditional number on the interior of your home.

And do we even really need to discuss that deeply disturbing master bedroom suite? Yes baby, for your own good, we do.

About a hundred years ago Your Mama used to know a young man who was well known among his social circle for stringing and draping fabric all up and down his bedroom in order to create a romantic ambiance. But instead of looking romantic and sexy, it looked like the bedroom of a sad and lonely middle aged lady who spends her Saturday nights reading romance novels and drifts off to sleep spooning the cat with images of Fabio dancing shirtless across her mind. Do you get what we're saying Miss Bass?

We know you are out and about acting sexy, hanging with all the Hollywood homo hipster hotties, getting table service at LAX and Winston's and every other celebrity haunt around town. But dude, your bedroom is anything but hipster or sexy. You are not doing yourself any favors in your huzband search by bringing home shaved down wannabe Reichens to THAT bedroom. And then of course there is the bathroom. Hunny you are too young of a man to be living up in a house with a bathroom that only a lady like Robert Reed could love, may she rest in peace.

Your Mama has no idea if someone actually had the fortitude and nerve strength to actually rent this Broyhill Furniture showroom/Morroccan mash-up, but we do know that Mister Bass did not sell the house, despite a reduction in price to $5,200,000.

Lance doll, we know we were a little harsh here, but it's really for your own gay good. When you get home from New York, you call Your Mama so we can give you some assistance locating the names and numbers of a few nice gay decorators to help you overhaul your private quarters. In the meantime, break a leg Mary.

Sources: LA Curbed, Perez Hilton,

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