Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Let's Talk About Ashlee Simpson

SELLER: Ashlee Simpson
LOCATION: 16187 Royal Oak Road, Encino, CA
PRICE: $5,700,000 (sale price)
SIZE: 9,005 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Only 2 miles North of Mulholland in prime Royal Oaks, walled & gated trophy architectural with major security system up a long drive on a 1+ acre promontory w/ 360 degree views. Every amenity that a discerning buyer would desire and the privacy that a celebrity would require.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We're just gonna come right out and say it. Your Mama does not care for Ashlee Simpson. She may in fact be a lovely, kind, thoughtful and generous person. We sincerely hope she is. But one thing beehatcha is NOT, is a very good singer. She's not very good at lip synching either. Oops! She's probably not the worst singer to grace the billboards in the last few years, but she's hardly a sublime chanteuse with multi-million dollar vocal chords.

We can live with the fact that all the tabs write ad infinitum about whether she did or did not have a nose job, when she so obviously went under the nasal knife whether she admits it or not. (Did that hook in her nose just go away in a growth spurt?) We can live with the fact that we have to read all about her romantic relationship with quasi-bisexual boyfriend rocker Pete Wentz. We can tolerate, just barely, all the stories about her creepy daddy/manager who makes a disturbing habit of discussing his daughters' boobies in public.

But Your Mama draws the line at real estate. It just chaps Your Mama's hide something fierce when a barely talented 21 year old gurl has the financial wherewithal to purchase multi-million dollar properties. Seriously children, this little gurl lip synched her way to riches while following in the reality television footsteps of her older sister Jessica "Chestica" Simpson. And let's not forget litte Miss Ashlee's ever churning PR machine and the daddy/manager who knows how to work the paparazzi and the tabloids like nobody's bizness.

All you Ashlee fans open your ears and listen good. Your Mama is absolutely not jealous of this young and talent free "singer" because she's got money to burn. Oh no. Nor do we give a shit that her first album went triple platinum. Triple platinum does not mean she's a skilled singer. It means that a lot of teenage gurls with more allowance money than ability to recognize talent over hype bought a lot of CDs. Big freaking deal. Bitch wouldn't last two rounds on American Idol. Your Mama can't stand those silly American Idol singers either with their saccharine renditions of Alice Cooper songs. But at least those singers can actually SING.

Back in July of 2005, little Miss Ashlee bought a big house in Encino at 16187 Royal Oak Drive for a whopping $4,500,000. Property records show the then 21 year old gurl took a huge mortgage on the 9,005 square foot house with 4 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms. That's right children, 9,005 square feet of house just for one 21 year old gurl. Please. Listing information for the house at the time of the sale shows additional features which include an art studio, dance studio, gym, lanai, library/study, media room, office, sauna and a thank gawd, service entrance so that little Miss Ashlee would not have to suffer the indignity of the cleaning lady using the front door.

Located at the end of a cul de sac on a promontory overlooking the hills and dales of an upscale section of Encino in the San Fernando Vally, Your Mama thinks the glass and concrete house has more in common with a suburban office building than a suburban mansion. The corporate looking water fountain at the front of the house screams suburban Chicago office park, and Your Mama once worked in an office building in suburban New Jersey (don't ask) with a front courtyard eerily similar to the one at the front of little Miss Simpson's house.

The backyard swimming pool, with nice long views of the surrounding hillsides, is obviously a nice, if expected feature in a multi million dollar home in the Valley where temperatures easily soar above 90 in the summer. The pool deck both wraps around the sides of the house and cascades down to a lovely grassy area with amazing 270 degree views, including a view of daddy Joe and mommy Tina's own Encino mansion bought with the riches brought in by their famous daughters.

Your Mama does not have many photos of the interior from when little Miss Ashlee lived at Royal Oak, but we did manage to locate one photo of the living room. We confess to digging the complicated and brightly covered fabric on the furniture. However, is it just Your Mama, or does this look to anyone else like the lobby of a boutique hotel in India?

All published reports from when little Miss Simpson sold the house state that her favorite feature of the house was its 1,300 square foot closet in the master suite that included its own washer/dryer unit. Thirteen hundred square feet is larger than most peoples' homes or apartments, and this little snot, who's barely old enough to drink liquor legally, is out there bragging about the size of her damn closet? Hunny, no wonder people think you're obnoxious.

Not only that, but when the lip synching singer sold the house in October of 2006 for $5,700,000, she pocketed a shocking $1,200,000 after owning the house just over one year. Which just seems wrong. Except then again, Mister Hulk Hogan just pocketed far more than that after selling his Miami Beach home after just one year of owning.

Little Miss Ashlee's house was reportedly bought by Hawaiian business man Edward Keh, who made a fortune shacking up old people in convalescent homes. Most reports little Miss Ashlee was headed to the beach because at the time she was dating some surfer dude or another. She did not buy a house at the beach.
BUYER: Ashlee Simpson
LOCATION: Oak Pass Road, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $4,500,045 (sale price)
SIZE: 5,896 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Private walled Mediterranean escape. Spectacular living spaces with high ceilings, gourmet kitchen with top of the line appliances. Spacious master suite with walk-in closets, his/her baths, FP and private balcony with incredible canyon vistas. Media room, gym, large sparkling pool and detached 2 story self-contained guest house.

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: We were sent a small cache of photos of the house Miss Ashlee purchased...please keep in mind that the interior design is from the previous owner and NOT Miss Ashlee.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In January of 2007, little Miss Ashlee paid $4,500,045 for a 5,896 square foot house in the Beverly Hills Post Office. Located just around the corner from a-listers Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher's modern masterpiece, Little Miss Ashlee's new house features 4 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms, a gourmet kitchen, a master suite with double bathrooms (one for Ashlee and one for Pete and his purse full of black eyeliner), media room, gym, canyon views, and a lovely rectangular shaped pool with a two story pool house/ guest house.

One day Your Mama hopes that America will wake up and require that their pop princesses and tabloid queens actually have a little bit of talent to justify the vast sums of money they earn. But until that happens Your Mama would advise little Miss Ashlee to enjoy it now and to pay her mortgage down as quickly as possible, because it is our humble, humble opinion, that you're near the top of the list of vastly wealthy young and not very talented gurls whose incomes are going to dry up before they are thirty. Good luck gurl.

Your Mama would like to thank our Fairy Godmother in Bel Air and The Strapping Hunk for their input and assistance.

Oh, and P.S...Ashlee hunny, we liked your old nose better.

Sources: People Magazine, US Magazine, Buzz Sugar, Idolator, iVillage

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