Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Jesse Metcalfe Heads for the Hills of Beverly

BUYER: Jesse Metcalfe
LOCATION: N. Beverly Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $2,200,000
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This extraordinary home has been completely remodeled with the finest materials possible. Beautiful hardwood floors, custom cabinetry, hand-hewn tiles, leaded glass windows, and exquisite stonework inside and out. The backyard has a spa with a cascading waterfall, koi pond, built-in barbecue, exotic landscaping and grassy area. A separate guest house w/ its own parking & private yard.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The hardworking Mister Big Time announced the other day that former cougar screwin' Desperate Housewives gardener Jesse Metcalfe unloaded his Rodgerton Drive house in the Hollywood Hills. Because we like Mister Big Time so much (and we just can't help ourself), we'd like to offer him a friendly assist on the sale price of Mister Metcalfe's crib and some additional information on the sexed up and usually shirtless actor's recent move to the hills of 90210.

From a source we call Jim Nasium, Your Mama learned that the recently rehabbed and meretricious Mister Metcalfe managed to sell his Mediterranean style mini-mansion for it's full asking price of $1,495,000. The children will recall that Your Mama discussed Metcalfe's former digs back in mid-January and we were not entirely complimentary about muscular Mister Metcalfe's mostly misguided day-core.

There was much speculation and snickering about where Mister Metcalfe and his beefy gay porn body might settle once his Hollywood Hills house sold. Some opined that he might move his bubble booty to London where is alleged ladee friend Nadine Coyle lives. Others figured he might be headed back to wherever he came from since his career appeared to nose dive after leaving Desperate Housewives.

But children, according to the Internet Movie Data Base, Mister Metcalfe has actually been quite bizzy making movies. Movies! Which explains why hot stuff was able to move his tighty-whities on up to a new multi-million dollar nest in Beverly Hills. According to the wickedly well informed Lucy Spillerguts, and with the help of Our Fairy Godmother in Beverly Hills, Your Mama has learned that Mister Metcalfe recently forked over $2,200,000 to purchase a freshly renovated 3 bedroom and 2.5 bathroom house with a detached guest house on N. Beverly Drive, a long two lane canyon road lined with homes that could be easily considered uneventful. One snobby Bev Hills type with whom Your Mama is acquainted even hissed at us that N. Beverly Drive is where people live who lust for a 90210 zip code but can't afford the real Beverly Hills. Oh. Ouch.

Property records show Mister Metcalfe's new casa measures in at a modest 2,000 square feet. But what house is 2,000 square feet exactly? We suspect the house is around 2,000 square feet. Listing information for the property indicates the Mediterraean-ish style house includes living and dining rooms, a den, family room, two fireplaces, and a driveway that features a rather upsetting stone inlay of a star, a priceless irony that needs no comment from Your Mama's corner.

Out back, amid the "exotic landscaping," is a built-in barbecue, lovely stone patios which will provide quiet and contemplative spots for Mister Metcalfe to ponder the nothingness. Up the hillside at the back of the property and reached by a curving stone stairway, is a sunken spa where, if inclined, Mister Metcalfe can entertain all the plastic boobed Hollywood hussies who foolishly think fooling around with Mister Metcalfe might actually score them a meeting with someone reasonably important in "The Industry." People are funny, aren't they.

Anyhoo, the interior spaces of this house make Your Mama feel a little queasy, but we're no going to go there in this discussion since the furniture and knick-knacks are not, and we repeat are not the choices of Mister Metcalfe, but rather the previous owner, who is not a celebrity as far as we know.

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